#are hidden from me and break down dissociative barriers thag protect me

[cynicalundead]

grrgr gr grrr grr gr blowing up bitches with my mind

#this is still about forcing recovery thing #it's so scary and stressful for some of us to have to 'start recovering' completelt fuckimg alone. can you imagine? #'you cant be part of this community of likeminded people because youre not able to/ready to/willing to take huge #life changing steps toward fixing yourself. start on those steps and maybe we'll be okay with you.' #god fucking damn it. seriously? #can i just be welcome and safe as-is? can i just take my time and keep myself happy and alive in the meantime? fuckinf stupid #that i have to pick between solidarity and comnunity or safety and happiness #do not reblog pls #kk.txt #sth vent #shouldnt it feel welcoming? shouldnt it feel like these others in my same position have my best interest? #it fucking doesnt #what it feels like is that im being held to more ridiculous unachievable standards as a threshold for conditional acceptance. it's shit. #ive already torn myself apart for months at a time more than fuckimg once trying to achieve these 'goals' on my own #trauma digging and researching too much and creating rules and dictating and silencing my alters and trying to draw out memories that #are hidden from me and break down dissociative barriers thag protect me #its not fucking good #sometimes its BETTER to enforce my dissociation and live happily while i dont have a therapist than to take steps that are designed to be #taken with help