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andillbeancuteboyifiwantto · 6 years

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An flawed person

Warning: Long, my experince and by no means have I been perfect or will these words be.

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I was raised in an LDS family and I get that weird 'keep silent' feeling. It's strange to talk about church things to anybody except myself or in my chats with God. But also just feels so silly because it isn't at all secrets or anything shameful.

Hey there I am trans that means for me that God put my soul in this body. But for my soul to be comfy it is going to take some work and that maybe it was an lesson. Same with my sexuality. That it's not all about me or to punish me by any means.

Aside from that I am mentally ill and I have health issues. Put it altogether and add in hypersensitivity (I can sense/feel people's emotions and they affect my own) life can be an lot of frustration.

For 7 years of my life it really wasn't an big deal. But then in and out of church my life began falling apart. Feelings became more obvious, family issues and the feeling lost started settling in.

I got baptised for my family instead of myself. It was an big deal for them all, people came to visit, there was appropriate tradition gifts and everything. But I felt unsure and uncomfortable the whole time.

Now you know the big event in the baptisim and the room was so crowded with strangers, family that my anxiety was soaring higher each moment. I freaked out and had them close the door... With the witnesses just there in the side areas...

Made so much of my family upset and it was an disaster.

Them from there attendance was hit and miss, information didn't sink in well. I lamented being picked for any job or task and almost never sang along. Programs were the anxiety fuel of my nightmares but of course no wasn't an answer.

I was the kid who goofed off and drew in class as much I was the good,meek student. Who loved every pack of fruit snacks or handful of cheerios even on fast Sundays. But who could fast for no reason on weekdays due to my eating disorders.

That strung together words to bear my 'testimony' to the ward despite not having one and people thinking it was real for years. When the real one is an different outlook on life they might sneer at. The real one involves what nobody wants to talk about.

My best friend was that girl you know the one. From an seemingly so on point family with an sibling always off on an mission. Looking so attractive spiritually and otherwise that I lied and told myself it was nothing. Nothing when I let her play with my hair and felt so alive.

Nothing when I fibbed saying I did every thing in my Faith of God. She read her scriptures often, she gave thoughtful prayers, helped and tithing. I was depressed and lost finding myself in mental ditches.

For all church is an sore area and all the times I cursed at God. I also cried shouting apologies and found the Holy Ghost in trailing my fingers along the walls. In handing an dropped crayon to an child who didn't care I wasn't perfect.

I found comfort in the pitch black gym sitting or roaming the stage area, the empty classrooms. In the quiet walks home on sunny, summer days instead of getting an ride home. In just closing my eyes and talking to God informally to sort through things or act like I had somebody.

I found it on the floor of an old meeting house or in the way he seemed to scream at me that I was made to be and that I am not an mistake. That I can't be too mad every time they don't expand their hearts and heads. Because we're flawed and unique.

Sure I dreaded those days where it seemed like I had to bite my tongue. The conflict of laughing at not dating till 16 yet the relief it offered on another hand.

An roller coaster and maybe all I have to offer is what nobody's after.

Marriage is about an man and woman, only that is what people feel. There is only suits or frills. You'll never be recognized as who you are even if you want to participate. Because you won't be seen as eligible. Due to your feelings and due to your multi chrome soul.

An photo shoot an the Temple and I just wanted to go home. Feeling the most holy sat on an window ledge knees against my chest as opposed to silently looking in the eternity mirrors at the entrance inside. Baptisms for the Dead with no wish to have gone.

The tiny change room, and screaming head. Burning contacts and dissociation. Dead silence as I just wanted everybody to finish and to go home. Especially because it reminded me of the times I nearly drowned. Traumatic memories that ruined water for me.

Temple Square in Christmas less reverant more lost in thought. An cafeteria where I sat with just an cold soda while everybody else was having fun.

Temple opening tour thing in summer with an tendency to overheat easy. Nearly going unconscious and enjoying the architecture lost in that instead of anything my family was in awe over.

It's been standing on that picnic table at camp scared to step back, blindfolded but not because I knew nothing. But because it meant letting somebody catch me. And beforehand somehow knowing all the details of the 'surprise'..

The whispering freaking an kid who had hallucinations once or twice out. And I remember the bonfire afterwards. Notes from our parents and as they cried. As people were emotional I didn't even want to read mine.

Because my parents weren't accepting of me and my family was not the best. And it all felt condescending lies instead of actual love. So I just wanted to burn it in the flames. Or sharing an tent with my friends. The bathrooms and uncomfortable memories of camp in general.

Never feeling enough. It's been for years originally being so hateful towards the 'different' and not knowing why. Training myself to let myself think from my own source of perspective. That dyed hair is beautiful and God could care less if my hair is natural or bright blue. People look attractive in suits and anybody can wear an tie.

That family's aren't ever really perfect, that there is no right way to love or live your life. And gender is more than chromosomes and an doctors first look at your private parts. People are wonderful as much they aren't and I should try not judge too harshly.

Church doesn't 'cure' mental illness and every time that was implied or I got so desperate to believe it just hurt me more. Nor does it mean I can help who I am or who I love. Because trying to pray it away never was right. And every time God had to watch me struggle.

I know it's harsh to yell at him because it's not an burden. And he can't be training wheels for us. He has to watch as we either pedal or fall down. That I bet he has cried for me and knows what it is like my suffering.

But if I was 'normal' I would have less insight to offer, lessons to teach those around, been less helpful. And I would have been too involved fixing everybody else's scrapped knees so they couldn't actually learn for themselves.

Maybe it's all complicated but I stopped being mad. Did it hurt at times? Of course. And I may never feel entirely welcome in church. Endured years of people not taking the word no and pretending. Whenever they asked if I was attending and grinned saying sure I was.

Or standing there shaking the bishops hand with an empty promise. How I felt an neon sign in an church with dyed hair. Or in my first button up and slacks with dyed hair.

Or wearing my full suit and combat boots to an old ward with short short hair. The way my family has acted at various points. Some in disgraceful ways that God would scowl about because they missed the point of love one another.

My suit hangs unworn because I really don't go and quietly it has been less and less begging. Part of me wants to go roam the hallways, trace fingers on the scratchy walls and pay my respects in quiet reverance.

I miss cleaning on Saturdays but don't miss the tears standing between the bathrooms.

And part of me wants to indulge the person I wish I had been. To show up suit and tie dyed hair or not. Bare my real testimony because if even one teenager found peace then I gave more than I was offered.

To visit even if in passing or come back to my home town with my boyfriend in tow. Take him to the church building that will feel like home. Even despite the rough times and bad memories. On an sunny summer day its more peaceful.

Whisper all my stories and trace my fingers down those walls. Sit on the gym stage soaking in that I made it. To stand on an stage and just let it out. Even if I could never be officially an saint in most eyes.

I want to not think too much about letting missionaries in briefly or be scared to show I exist. Because I could learn more just like everybody else. And everybody else is just as flawed.

Maybe I will only take some of the good morals and lessons. Or maybe I will find myself only praying, skimming scriptures for years and the rest of my life. But maybe at some point I can see brighter days even if its an brave walk of the halls I once grew up in.

The ones I ran down, the ones I cried in, and the quiet chapel where I found comfort in the kids who offered snacks. Or played games with me because I was just the person who paid attention. That gave back lost objects and did peek a boo.

I think there is solace in how there can be change. That maybe one day my cousin who I found out was an lesbian doesn't have to 'understand what it means to be her and LDS' because my aunt had to whisper she was with my grandmother in the room.

After somebody joked about her falling for an missionary one day. Or the support my aunt had for her child that I didn't and still might never. Yet it still seemed terms and conditions. It was in my sister in law daring to say she's bisexual.

In as murky my coming out and well recoming out and misunderstandings... The letter I got back from my mother that showed progress. In the words she wrote in response to my words especially about God.

(Previously something she used against me but now) Now it was: "You say God made you this way, I agree!"

"God is real, God does love you."

If through all she put me through, all the murky water left to wade through. If my older brother who once teased me, abused me about supporting lgbt+ rights could be the first to ask me my pronouns and name. If my sister in law can give me an present with no name on it because I was still closeted.

And my aunt can love her daughter, support her being an lesbian. Enough she lightly joked in whispers that it means asking 'is it anything serious' and embaress her daughter about hanging out with her female friends. If people could just see the soul as most important.

God just wants us to try our best, to live this mortal life. He wants happiness for us, love not tears and screaming to be fixed. When he made us to be who we are. That he can't help us all the time even if it sucks.

I may not be flawless, the best saint around, active or even feel I get to say I am Mormon. Room for learning and growing. Have my lashing outs, scrapped knees and long nights. Make God cry an couple hundred times and tire him out with informal messages.

Because really who would want an prayer along the lines of 'yo so here's the thing its me yup anyways hope heavens doing good just wanted to talk about this cute person I passed by today or how handsome I felt briefly'. But at the same time its far more personable.

Have this little sign off and occasionally an peace sign across my face just in case he actually is watching me/the holy ghost or whatever. Because I can only be so depressing before I have to goof off and God won't just appear like 'please stop its 4 am why are you this way'. Even if that would be hilarious.

Though nobody would believe me afterwards.

#personal #lgbt mormon #long text cw #queerstake #(Woah wait is this like my testimony but unrefined and at length? Yeahh apparently)#(Just had an lot of feelings right now and felt bold enough to share)#(I really should make an faceless for now youtube channel where I can talk about my growimg up in the church)#(Growing up in it mentally ill and lgbt+ and all the things I felt were hush hush)#(That really werent and arent oh could share hilarious stories as well if not possibly relatable lds lgbt struggles)

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pope-francis-quotes · 6 years

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24th January >> (@romereports) Pope Francis’ Message for the 51th World Communications Day | Dear Brothers and Sisters, Communication is part of God’s plan for us and an essential way to experience fellowship. Made in the image and likeness of our Creator, we are able to express and share all that is true, good, and beautiful. We are able to describe our own experiences and the world around us, and thus to create historical memory and the understanding of events. But when we yield to our own pride and selfishness, we can also distort the way we use our ability to communicate. This can be seen from the earliest times, in the biblical stories of Cain and Abel and the Tower of Babel (cf. Gen 4:4-16; 11:1-9). The capacity to twist the truth is symptomatic of our condition, both as individuals and communities. On the other hand, when we are faithful to God’s plan, communication becomes an effective expression of our responsible search for truth and our pursuit of goodness. In today’s fast-changing world of communications and digital systems, we are witnessing the spread of what has come to be known as “fake news”. This calls for reflection, which is why I have decided to return in this World Communications Day Message to the issue of truth, which was raised time and time again by my predecessors, beginning with Pope Paul VI, whose 1972 Message took as its theme: “Social Communications at the Service of Truth”. In this way, I would like to contribute to our shared commitment to stemming the spread of fake news and to rediscovering the dignity of journalism and the personal responsibility of journalists to communicate the truth. 1. What is “fake” about fake news? The term “fake news” has been the object of great discussion and debate. In general, it refers to the spreading of disinformation on line or in the traditional media. It has to do with false information based on non-existent or distorted data meant to deceive and manipulate the reader. Spreading fake news can serve to advance specific goals, influence political decisions, and serve economic interests. The effectiveness of fake news is primarily due to its ability to mimic real news, to seem plausible. Secondly, this false but believable news is “captious”, inasmuch as it grasps people’s attention by appealing to stereotypes and common social prejudices, and exploiting instantaneous emotions like anxiety, contempt, anger and frustration. The ability to spread such fake news often relies on a manipulative use of the social networks and the way they function. Untrue stories can spread so quickly that even authoritative denials fail to contain the damage. The difficulty of unmasking and eliminating fake news is due also to the fact that many people interact in homogeneous digital environments impervious to differing perspectives and opinions. Disinformation thus thrives on the absence of healthy confrontation with other sources of information that could effectively challenge prejudices and generate constructive dialogue; instead, it risks turning people into unwilling accomplices in spreading biased and baseless ideas. The tragedy of disinformation is that it discredits others, presenting them as enemies, to the point of demonizing them and fomenting conflict. Fake news is a sign of intolerant and hypersensitive attitudes, and leads only to the spread of arrogance and hatred. That is the end result of untruth. 2. How can we recognize fake news? None of us can feel exempted from the duty of countering these falsehoods. This is no easy task, since disinformation is often based on deliberately evasive and subtly misleading rhetoric and at times the use of sophisticated psychological mechanisms. Praiseworthy efforts are being made to create educational programmes aimed at helping people to interpret and assess information provided by the media, and teaching them to take an active part in unmasking falsehoods, rather than unwittingly contributing to the spread of disinformation. Praiseworthy too are those institutional and legal initiatives aimed at developing regulations for curbing the phenomenon, to say nothing of the work being done by tech and media companies in coming up with new criteria for verifying the personal identities concealed behind millions of digital profiles. Yet preventing and identifying the way disinformation works also calls for a profound and careful process of discernment. We need to unmask what could be called the "snake-tactics" used by those who disguise themselves in order to strike at any time and place. This was the strategy employed by the "crafty serpent" in the Book of Genesis, who, at the dawn of humanity, created the first fake news (cf. Gen 3:1-15), which began the tragic history of human sin, beginning with the first fratricide (cf. Gen 4) and issuing in the countless other evils committed against God, neighbour, society and creation. The strategy of this skilled "Father of Lies" (Jn 8:44) is precisely mimicry, that sly and dangerous form of seduction that worms its way into the heart with false and alluring arguments. In the account of the first sin, the tempter approaches the woman by pretending to be her friend, concerned only for her welfare, and begins by saying something only partly true: "Did God really say you were not to eat from any of the trees in the garden?" (Gen 3:1). In fact, God never told Adam not to eat from any tree, but only from the one tree: "Of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you are not to eat" (Gen 2:17). The woman corrects the serpent, but lets herself be taken in by his provocation: "Of the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden God said, “You must not eat it nor touch it, under pain of death" (Gen 3:2). Her answer is couched in legalistic and negative terms; after listening to the deceiver and letting herself be taken in by his version of the facts, the woman is misled. So she heeds his words of reassurance: "You will not die!" (Gen 3:4). The tempter’s “deconstruction” then takes on an appearance of truth: "God knows that on the day you eat it your eyes will be opened and you will be like gods, knowing good and evil" (Gen3:5). God’s paternal command, meant for their good, is discredited by the seductive enticement of the enemy: "The woman saw that the tree was good to eat and pleasing to the eye and desirable" (Gen 3:6). This biblical episode brings to light an essential element for our reflection: there is no such thing as harmless disinformation; on the contrary, trusting in falsehood can have dire consequences. Even a seemingly slight distortion of the truth can have dangerous effects. What is at stake is our greed. Fake news often goes viral, spreading so fast that it is hard to stop, not because of the sense of sharing that inspires the social media, but because it appeals to the insatiable greed so easily aroused in human beings. The economic and manipulative aims that feed disinformation are rooted in a thirst for power, a desire to possess and enjoy, which ultimately makes us victims of something much more tragic: the deceptive power of evil that moves from one lie to another in order to rob us of our interior freedom. That is why education for truth means teaching people how to discern, evaluate and understand our deepest desires and inclinations, lest we lose sight of what is good and yield to every temptation. 3. "The truth will set you free" (Jn 8:32) Constant contamination by deceptive language can end up darkening our interior life. Dostoevsky’s observation is illuminating: "People who lie to themselves and listen to their own lie come to such a pass that they cannot distinguish the truth within them, or around them, and so lose all respect for themselves and for others. And having no respect, they cease to love, and in order to occupy and distract themselves without love they give way to passions and to coarse pleasures, and sink to bestiality in their vices, all from continual lying to others and to themselves.” (The Brothers Karamazov, II, 2). So how do we defend ourselves? The most radical antidote to the virus of falsehood is purification by the truth. In Christianity, truth is not just a conceptual reality that regards how we judge things, defining them as true or false. The truth is not just bringing to light things that are concealed, "revealing reality", as the ancient Greek term aletheia (from a-lethès, "not hidden") might lead us to believe. Truth involves our whole life. In the Bible, it carries with it the sense of support, solidity, and trust, as implied by the root 'aman, the source of our liturgical expression Amen. Truth is something you can lean on, so as not to fall. In this relational sense, the only truly reliable and trustworthy One – the One on whom we can count – is the living God. Hence, Jesus can say: "I am the truth" (Jn 14:6). We discover and rediscover the truth when we experience it within ourselves in the loyalty and trustworthiness of the One who loves us. This alone can liberate us: "The truth will set you free" (Jn 8:32). Freedom from falsehood and the search for relationship: these two ingredients cannot be lacking if our words and gestures are to be true, authentic, and trustworthy. To discern the truth, we need to discern everything that encourages communion and promotes goodness from whatever instead tends to isolate, divide, and oppose. Truth, therefore, is not really grasped when it is imposed from without as something impersonal, but only when it flows from free relationships between persons, from listening to one another. Nor can we ever stop seeking the truth, because falsehood can always creep in, even when we state things that are true. An impeccable argument can indeed rest on undeniable facts, but if it is used to hurt another and to discredit that person in the eyes of others, however correct it may appear, it is not truthful. We can recognize the truth of statements from their fruits: whether they provoke quarrels, foment division, encourage resignation; or, on the other hand, they promote informed and mature reflection leading to constructive dialogue and fruitful results. 4. Peace is the true news The best antidotes to falsehoods are not strategies, but people: people who are not greedy but ready to listen, people who make the effort to engage in sincere dialogue so that the truth can emerge; people who are attracted by goodness and take responsibility for how they use language. If responsibility is the answer to the spread of fake news, then a weighty responsibility rests on the shoulders of those whose job is to provide information, namely, journalists, the protectors of news. In today’s world, theirs is, in every sense, not just a job; it is a mission. Amid feeding frenzies and the mad rush for a scoop, they must remember that the heart of information is not the speed with which it is reported or its audience impact, but persons. Informing others means forming others; it means being in touch with people’s lives. That is why ensuring the accuracy of sources and protecting communication are real means of promoting goodness, generating trust, and opening the way to communion and peace. I would like, then, to invite everyone to promote a journalism of peace. By that, I do not mean the saccharine kind of journalism that refuses to acknowledge the existence of serious problems or smacks of sentimentalism. On the contrary, I mean a journalism that is truthful and opposed to falsehoods, rhetorical slogans, and sensational headlines. A journalism created by people for people, one that is at the service of all, especially those – and they are the majority in our world – who have no voice. A journalism less concentrated on breaking news than on exploring the underlying causes of conflicts, in order to promote deeper understanding and contribute to their resolution by setting in place virtuous processes. A journalism committed to pointing out alternatives to the escalation of shouting matches and verbal violence. To this end, drawing inspiration from a Franciscan prayer, we might turn to the Truth in person: Lord, make us instruments of your peace. Help us to recognize the evil latent in a communication that does not build communion. Help us to remove the venom from our judgements. Help us to speak about others as our brothers and sisters. You are faithful and trustworthy; may our words be seeds of goodness for the world: where there is shouting, let us practise listening; where there is confusion, let us inspire harmony; where there is ambiguity, let us bring clarity; where there is exclusion, let us offer solidarity; where there is sensationalism, let us use sobriety; where there is superficiality, let us raise real questions; where there is prejudice, let us awaken trust; where there is hostility, let us bring respect; where there is falsehood, let us bring truth. Amen. From the Vatican, 24 January 2018, the Memorial of Saint Francis de Sales. FRANCIS.

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cool-cbdoil-me-blog · 5 years

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To manage the pain, it's important to take care of each pain appropriately instead of taking an overall strategy. Chest pain is just one of the usual indicators of Panic Disorder. Chest pain in general may be a tough symptom to diagnose.

Pain Can Cause Anxiety An important point to understand is that the association between pain and anxiety can get circular. Don't neglect to familiarize yourself with supplements, too, as a number of them are really pain and anxiety killers. If you are concerned about a pain that you believe is brought on by strain and anxiety, go see your physician and have the pain diagnosed. Pain is the accepted name that is set on a sensation that's felt. It is a signal that something is not right or a warning that requires a reaction. For example, the manner in which you treat throat pain should differ from how you treat headaches.

On account of the many different anxiety pains, to deal with each pain you should find out about it and know the way you can deal with this. If you own a lot of chronic pain, it is just natural to believe that a disease of some kind may be causing it, even in the event you have long thought that the pain is due to anxiety and stress. In the end, if your back pain persists, it's almost always a great notion to go see your physician to make sure that the pain isn't being caused by a tangible issue.

Just create the pain go away. Although it can be troubling, it is manageable. You could also feel pain in the eyes when you visit the light because of the dilation of pupils when you could be anxious. If you experience chest pain in the middle of a panic attack, and you're not positive if it's brought on by your panic attack, you would like to go see a doctor immediately to make sure the pain isn't the effect of a heart problem another illness. Chest pain that's a result from an anxiety attack may also present with additional symptoms. Details of Anxiety & Pain

Your health care provider should carry out a comprehensive work up to establish if your urinary condition is the consequence of prostate problems, IC, or other things. 1 medication made it hard to take deep breaths for a number of weeks. It can be used to relief the pain. Thus, the treatment provided should be dependent upon thy type of pain you are having. Alternative treatment like acupuncture, yoga, homeopathy or massage can be employed to ease the anxiety and so the pain. Alternative treatments for anxiety problems are also an additional option to prevent anxiety disorder permanently.

There are lots of ways to seek out relief. For example, if you need pain relief but wish to keep active and clear-headed, go with an edible with a high quantity of CBD and very low THC. Therefore, you can expect to have a really good quick relief from all the painful experiences you've got because of PD.

Letting go is all about accepting what's happening at this time and not worrying about what's going to come up tomorrow. There's a need to recognize the elements in a customer's environment that reinforce pain behavior. Knowing from wherever your anger stems can let you address and alleviate emotional anguish. The most significant thing is that we also need to learn how to forgive ourselves. Among the things the stress hormone does is to cause muscles to contract so the body is able to attack if it's confronted with a threatening circumstance. If there is a doubt your chest pain might be because of something more than anxiety, it's highly advisable to find the counsel of a trained medical professional. Note, however, that their conclusion is somewhat more positive with respect to neuropathic pain in contrast to other kinds of pain.

Cognitively, it results in a chronic concentrate on pain, which pre-occupies the interest of the pain sufferer. Making healthy dietary change can create a major difference. Part of the stress response changes include things like tightening the overall body's muscles so that they're more resilient to damage.

Anxiety disorder isn't a life threatening condition and it's treatable. It is the most common mental disorder during childhood and adolescence but the good news is that it is a treatable disorder. On the flip side, acquiring an anxiety disorder can force you to become hypersensitive even to the mildest of pain and you might not differentiate between severe pain and standard pain.

Depression can lead to painand pain can result in depression. Anxiety includes several types of pain. As there are various kinds of anxiety, there are various forms of anxiety pain also. The chronic anxiety causes a chronic awareness of alarm or distress, making patients edgy. Chest pain anxiety is not uncommon among overly anxious men and women. Stress makes the body release stress hormones that target various parts of the body causing physiological and emotional adjustments to ready the body to manage a threat. If you're anything like me, flowers can at times bring about stress as opposed to relieve it as you have the additional pressure of keeping something else alive.

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