#at least I got to WFH all week but still my gOD it's so bad

[lynsburner]

omg no i had not heard the whole thing .. nvm erase what i said that song is the OPPOSITE of andy/lovely core im so sorry 😭😭😭

it wasn’t too “um actually☝️🤓” at all tbh, i didn’t even know about any of that, so tysm for explaining it so thoroughly!

but i have to be fr, i haven’t heard a single carly rae jepsen song outside of call me maybe back in high school im so sorry 😭

and YESSS no plan has always been my fav song ever and it’s one of only three songs that make it onto every playlist i make, regardless of majority genre. i loved it so much already, and now i have your fics to connect it to as well! so many positives im thriving fr 😌

<3

Bestie... I have to unfortunately tell you it gOT WORSE. There's a bridge that has been in the live performances and not in the original tik tok and I accidentally heard it (via another tik tok, what a 2023 statement) and.. well... no one better look at me funny on the 23rd!!!!!

But yeah. It's Circle 9. It's going to wreck us all.

Anyway... back to the question at hand. Yeah, "No Plan" is truly so fucking good. It's S tier, 10/10, 5 stars, would listen again. Thank you for that original prompt. I was honestly quite hesitant to avoid connecting real things to the story (like, I do not know this man! I do not know a single thing about his personality other than him maybe getting a bit ™) but ehh I already added the nyc residency towards the end so why the fuck not? We are living our best lives here!!!!

Also, I recommend listening to Emotion (and side b!) because it is truly a pop masterpiece (I am a big pop music fan. Hozier is almost my exception tbh, but I do love most genres of music! I am just a pop girly to my core!), but if you don't like that stuff, at least give "Western Wind" a listen. To quote @icanttakethemonmyown , "She yassified Hozier's "Nobody"!" And she's right!!!! The intros are SIMILIAR!

I also heard "Call Me Maybe" in high school but then my friend showed me Emotion my senior year of college and my life basically changed. Kind of like how I only heard TMTC (and I think someone new??? I definitely heard that in a few coffee shops) but finally dived into Hozier's stuff in 2019 right after Wasteland, Baby! came out and, again, brain chemistry truly altered.

Sorry for this being... so fucking long as always. I truly do not shut the fuck up. Again, ask Anje. She has heard so many voice messages of me just going on about silly things (mostly to do with Andrew, but also other, sillier things).

If It makes you feel better, I have jumped ahead to write the final chapter of the thing I'm currently working on. I will fill in the 6 in-between later, I swear (The first three chapters are also done!) Here's a little taste:

The tentative title is "Hell is a Talking Type" but we shall see...

He's kind of a dick in this one. But that's ok! He'll be nice, eventually! But I hope this gives you a chuckle!

Have a good day/afternoon/night my friend <3

#lyn needs to stop talking #also if you live on the east coast of the US PLEASE STAY INSIDE if you can! #the sky was YELLOW yesterday it was INSANE #at least I got to WFH all week but still my gOD it's so bad #my lovely anon bless you soul for putting up with me I am so sorry for all these tangents

[soldier-poet-king]

Updates:

TUMMY HURT which is no surprise after literally 36 hrs of near constant panic attacks and barely being able to eat. Pf last night was maybe the first not crying I'd done all day INCLDUING literally having a meltdown AT CHURCH where I had to hide in the bathroom woooo

Pf was great. A delight. As always. Perfect no notes I wanna go to a fey rave and get a magic cat and also maybe the god of chaos and nature is shipping this nerd gf/jock gf wizard relationship

Related to panic. Trying not to think abt tattoo shock and commitment issues and whether I fucked up by doing smthn that I wanted deeply but didn't turn out perfectly and I'm DISTRESSED and STUPID and I'm gonna stop talking before I send myself into another spiral. I told myself I have to leave it a few weeks to heal and settle before I can even think about having changes made & 6-8 months before I can decide if I truly hate it or it's an manifestation of my anxiety about risk taking and things being less than 100% perfect. But. I'm still not convinced I like the way it turned out. And somehow this feels (irrationally) like a life ruining decision + moral failure. And I really have to stop before I spiral again

The weather is killing me I am so miserable and sleepy

Got an interview for that job except it's mid December and AN ALL DAY AFFAIR and I am stupid and shy and apparently an idiot how am I supposed to do this I'll have to miss my current job to go to this fancy thing and I'm too dumb for this I am good at my job but extremely bad at social cues interviewing in a very formal environment

Have I mentioned the 3 week long headache

At least my current work is somewhat interesting?? I'm actually getting to do shit I like for once??? In my field???

My immune system is shot to hell as is and I'm supposed to get my flu AND covid boosters this week and rlly I am going to beg my boss to wfh the day after BC I'm going to be running a low grade fever no question about it

finished my hote reread and so it's off to atfots but I am SO nervous and worried (also read the feonie short story for the first time and screaming at the fact that everyone in the royal household can see that kip and fitzroy are in love except the two idiots themselves. Slow burn to the max. Also Victoria Goddard delivering on my fave kind of hard to define relationship that is deeply romantic and intimate and yet completely chaste and yet it's the MOST important thing in the world to each other. I'm. Going to throw myself into the sun. Pun intended)

Need to transform my artistic impulse into smthn tangible BC apparently all I do is make bad decisions that I hate and hate myself for and it's just ahhhhh

Snk finished and I still can't bring myself to go past erwins death I'm. I'm.

Also on the last chapter of mzds and I'm UNWELL abt that as well

Also I'm out of granola and was too much of a mess this weekend to make more and now my morning routine off. Not to be kuzco but actually if my groove is thrown off I May Perish

#the duality of fran #i rlly just needed to type that all out to feel better #now I will go have lunch #and get back to work #some of the editing im doing this afternoon is mindless enough to listen to qt ebook while i work #uhhhhhhhhhhhh???? im just. YEAH

[purplesurveys]

1177

survey by joybucket

Have you _____ during this pandemic?

Worn a mask? I mean, of course. I put one on even when I’m only picking up deliveries from my doorstep.

got tested for coronavirus? Never. I also hope I’ll never have to go through this, I don’t want a stick up my nose and throat D:

known someone who died from the virus? Personally? Too many people at this point. 

gotten the COVID vaccine? Not yet, but I have many relatives who’ve already gotten theirs, my mom and grandmother included, so at least. I know my employer has a plan in place over the next few weeks or months, so I’m just currently waiting for updates on their end.

started a new hobby? Yeah, I started on embroidery late last year. I haven’t been able to keep it up, but I’m still very much interested and want to go back to it soon. I also plan on getting one or two new Klaypel kits so I can finally replace and throw out the ones Gabie gave to me as gifts.

hated being stuck at home? Yeah, especially during the start when there seemed to be no end in sight. When they heightened quarantine protocols again earlier this month, that also made me feel aggravated about being stuck at home indefinitely since I had already started going out on weekends for self-dates.

worn a mask someone made for you? No one has made a mask for me, but one of my uncles got me a supply of a certain kind of face mask that I didn’t initially use.

sewn your own mask? No.

purchased masks at the store? Not me personally, but my dad regularly buys a supply for the family to use.

purchased a KN95 or N95 mask? Again, not me. But we regularly have a stock at home, along with the blue surgical face masks.

complimented someone on their mask? I don’t think so. I barely pay attention especially towards mask designs.

protested mask-wearing? ????? My name’s not Karen.

complained on Facebook? Nothing mask-related, but I have definitely complained about the government’s negligence and lack of proactivity about this entire situation.

read a book? I started on Midnight Sun which my parents got for me, but I never finished it. I got busy immediately the week after since I got accepted into my internship, and it was also because I was dealing with my breakup and could not focus enough to read for more than 5 minutes.

had an event canceled you had been looking forward to? My college graduation, which I’ll forever stay bitter about.

stocked up on toilet paper? I don’t think so. My parents didn’t believe in panic-buying.

been to the store when it was crowded? I do remember the mall being packed when I went last-minute Christmas shopping. Not to a crazy extent, but there was still quite a number of people.

been to the store when the toilet paper aisle was empty? N/A. We don’t have toilet paper aisles, but all stores have hand sanitizers and temperature checks by their entrance.

lost your job? I didn’t have a job before the pandemic because I had still been a student when everything started.

worked from home? Yup, and still on an WFH arrangement until now.

still had to go to work? I’ve had to go two times, but that was because it was absolutely necessary to go to the office to get the work done. My employer is pretty strict about this anyway and if something could be done at home, they’d decline the request.

went to a protest at your state's capital building? Well we don’t have states so this isn’t really relevant to me. Should a credible org plan a protest against the government though, I’d be interested in going.

watched the news for updates on the virus? We keep the TV on during dinner, at which time the news is always on. Whether I want to or not, I always get updates on the Covid situation in the country.

wondered if you had covid? Yeah, when I got extremely sick in May last year.

not left the house for a week? Way more than a week.

watched YouTube videos? YouTube is pretty much a part of my daily routine, with or without the virus.

spent a whole day watching movies? I’ve only watched one movie since the beginning of the pandemic.

cleaned your house from top to bottom? Not me, but my mom.

ordered something online? Too much crap.

ordered a pizza? I’ve gotten pizza a few times for my family, yeah. I remember ordering from Pizza Hut, Motorino, and most recently, Yellow Cab.

prayed to God?

completely forgotten a holiday that you normally celebrate? Nah, I usually remember when holidays are because that means I get a day off hahaha.

voted in an election? There haven’t been any elections that have taken place since the start of the pandemic.

gotten to know your neighbors? Somewhat. I only say hi to them and greet them a good morning/afternoon when I walk the dogs, but I don’t initiate conversations.

sanitized everything in your home? We always do this, especially when a package arrives for someone in the family.

wrote someone a letter? Started one but never finished because I soon realized it wouldn’t be worth it.

wished this pandemic were over? Don’t we all?

been surprised this pandemic has lasted so long? Yeah, I definitely thought things would be normal by now.

worried about catching the virus? I think the worry exists for everyone. I just wouldn’t say I’ve ever gotten super anxious and panicky about it. I feel pretty resigned at this point and just want everything to be over, so I can finally have the life I was meant to have back.

stayed home because you didn't want to catch the virus? That, and because I was required to stay home to begin with.

been to church? We watch a service on YouTube every Sunday morning.

watched an online church service? ^ Yeah, that’s what I meant haha oops.

been stopped by a police officer? No, but there was one time I was cleaning up Cooper’s tray and there happened to be a village guard cycling by our street, and he just kindly reminded me to put on a mask or shield since I had forgotten to do it.

seen a lot of police cars patrolling the area? No. I would definitely be pissed off if this happened - especially in a residential subdivision - and share a pic on social media to alert everyone about the unnecessary mess that is the police.

had someone cough on you out in public? No. But again, this would also piss me off and I wouldn’t hesitate to confront the asshole who would do something like that.

has someone stand less than six feet away from you while waiting in line? Always. Some people here can still be unbelievably stubborn.

had to use an inhaler? Never needed one.

been to the doctor? Yeah, to have my blood and urine tests examined.

had increased asthma and/or allergy symptoms? I have neither.

felt like you were fighting a virus? Like I said, I got a bad fever sometime last year. Even though I didn’t show any of the common Covid symptoms (e.g. I had wet cough instead of a dry cough), I felt as if I was rotting away lmao. I could barely stand up and I felt like fainting the second I would raise my head.

been diagnosed with the coronavirus? No.

felt lonely? It’s natural.

went somewhere with a friend? Just a couple of times. I went to UPTC with Andi at the start of the year, then back in Feb I went to Perfy’s with several friends, well aware of our ignorance but badly craving for a sense of normalcy for even just a night.

attended an online event? BANG BANG COOOOOOOOOON. Best 8 hours of my life during the pandemic thus far.

had a business in your area close down? Like the people I know who’ve died from the virus, too many.

received a stimulus check? Hasn’t happened.

received food stamps? No, and I don’t think we have that system in place here. The government just lets the hungry go hungrier.

applied for disability? No, not applicable.

applied for food assistance? No, thankfully we haven’t reached this point.

visited a food pantry? ^

had a fever? Just back in May. Hasn’t happened again since.

believed a conspiracy theory about the virus? Cringe, no.

had to take online classes? When the whole world was still at a loss on how to handle a global pandemic, aka early March, I briefly took Zoom sessions for some of my classes. But it proved to be difficult what with many students struggling with internet connections or being stuck somewhere without their school supplies, so my university canceled the sem altogether not long after and gave everyone general passing grades.

ate at a restaurant? I did a few times. I frequented coffee shops rather than restaurants, though.

walked through a drive-thru? I’ve...driven through a drive-thru, but not walk.

had your mask fog up your glasses? Every damn time I get out of the car, hahaha.

had to go to the hospital because of covid? Nope, not for myself or for someone else.

had to go to the hospital for a different reason? For my fever.

used hand sanitizer? At least once a day.

felt encouraged, joyful, or blessed? Now, especially. Things are starting to look up, at least for my own life.

#survey #surveys

[cardboardboxcomplex]

ok since i’m awake and useless, might as well

it’s 4AM on a monday at this point and i do *not* want to go to work. but i have to hhrghshfd HAAAAAA ok breathe . i skipped last week’s shift that i was supposed to go to the lab. i completely disappeared for the *third* time during my two-week wfh shift before that. when we were supposed to do the third quarter report, and the proposal. which are the hardest reports to do, bc they’ll be the basis for renewal next year. but i just ... disappeared again and did not open my emails or messages. again. after i did that twice before. and i had to go through the process of like apologizing to everyone for my absence, and i even decided to tell everyone that i have depression cos i dont know how to explain it ! why am i like this ! and i know it’s not an excuse, and i told them that too. but i just hate everything . okay i think im getting to word dump now. how many times am i going to be so incapable and incompetent? i hate myself so much cos my brain is so fried and i dont want to deal with anything . when was the last time i actually thought deeply or whatever or like read a journal article. and i dont even know what im supposed to be doing anymore.  i feel so sad. oh im crying ok. like im thinking of myself and how do i go on with life, what am i supposed to be doing, what kind of path should i be making. i hate this because i lost years of my life and i keep losing more time. and omfg right the paper. man i didnt even reply to sir’s emails either, and i know ate yana and josh had talked and i was supposed to be there too because im supposed to be the main one to finish her thesis for publication, and it’s already been a year? since she left the lab. had i done anything? i did not

and tomorrow is nov 10, and im supposed to do thesis updates ......... how the fuck am i gonna do that. and i had already missed the first time i was scheduled, bc well the same thing happening now. i was wfh (supposedly) and ate isay had to say my internet connection isnt stable. which wasnt a lie, but it was bc i didn’t do anything. i dont know what im supposed to come up with tomorrow. or if i can postpone it again. SEE THIS IS EXACTLY IT HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONG TO BE INCAPABLE AND INCOMPETENT

i dont know like im scared of being in the lab too and all i wanna do is stay in my room 

but you know what i dont even like my room. i miss my old room, i miss all my books, i miss all the memories i left there as in the physical things i’ve kept because i keep everything. full on bawling now. i miss having everything i’ve kept near me, with me. i miss my desk, i miss having one. and i hate my room because i haven’t cleaned my room in MONTHS. idk since march, since quarantine started? i can barely see the floor and i have to walk around all the bags with all stuff thrown in them. and honestly im just desensitizing (?) myself bc if i think too much if i look too closely im gonna throw up and i hate it i hate it . on that note i’ve been thinking i might in a constant state of dissociation, or at least a shallow one? i never thought i really dissociated bc i didnt really get the feeling of being apart from your body. but because it’s been going on for so long it didn’t even register to me that i’m dissociating because it feels normal or the baseline. and my memory recall is so bad, i don’t remember what happened the previous day. why? because i’m not even doing anything. or idk. also my attention span is non-existent. but the memory thing bothers me because i dont even know if i remember things from before before, in the past, not recently

before i forgot about the room, i was supposed to have pest control last oct 20? and it was scheduled like first week of october so i knew it was coming. but did i clean my room? in those weeks between? i didnt. i’d been putting it off exactly because my room is a mess and id ont want anyone to come in like this. so i had to postpone that too, and the next one is tomorrow. did i clean my room since then? no. what have i been doing? i dont know either. literally rotting away. and i feel so bad cos i m not even doing anything. i dont even know what. i cant get myself to do anything

what if someone helps me clean? i don’t want anyone to help me clean because i dont want anyone to see my room. ate isay was supposed to help me on that sunday or monday before oct 20 but the plan was i was going to start cleaning saturday so at least if she comes up to help, it wouldnt be so disgusting. but yeah i did not clean. and now it’s november. you know the last time i ironed my clothes? september. last year. september 1, 2019. i remember because that was jungkook’s birthday, but also i was ironing when i got the messages from someone when they were leaving me and didnt want (?) to be friends with me anymore. and that broke me really bad. but not the point rn. 

i dont know what else im thinking. oh i miss my friends. kosestream, if you’re reading this, yes i’m thinking of you too, and i’m really sorry. im so sorry ive kept disappearing on you guys for months. i’ve missed you and so many parts of your life, and im really really i wasnt there. and bc i don’t talk with you often, and with my awful memory, i also forget what’s been going on and it makes me feel awful because like i miss all these things about you? i always thought that i had kept tabs on everyone well, paying attention to what you’re doing, ask how things are with you, and now i dont. and im sorry. i always miss you so much, and i love you, and i dont know if that still means anything to you, but it’s still there. so thank you for inviting me to play among us, i liked hearing your voices. and i know you were worried about me (if im wrong this is embarrassing please ignore this) and were trying to cheer me up / offering your support/presence/love/shoulder/hug idk. so thank you. it meant a lot to me (but im sorry my internet was awful. honestly that stressed me out so much and i was gonna give up because i felt annoying and like a huge bother) but okay thank you 

and it’s the same with irl friends, missing things. i thought of it once as everything passing (by) me. like when neos had left for germany, i wasnt there. why? because i was rotting away at home doing nothing. i didnt even get to say goodbye. and just the same with everyone, i havent been talking with anyone. there are so many messages i’ve gotten i haven’t (didn’t) replied to, and it’s like god how are they. 

what else. ah there’s another thing i’ve thought of. but idk i’ll write that next time 

it’s monday, and it’s almost 5am now, i’m supposed to go to work. i have to text ate isay if she’s gonna pass by and pick me up. but i havent slept because i completely fucked up my sleeping schedule. and my room is still a mess. no i did not even try cleaning it even though i had been thinking about it literally every single day. should i just not sleep or should i try getting like an hour of sleep , and hope i wake up (actually, would love to not wake up, ever)

09 Nov 2020, M, 05:02 BTS – Butterfly (Alternative Mix) 

#white noise #i'll tag idk journal stuff that i guess #cos actually all my thoughts are not in words #until i turn them into words #which has gotten increasingly difficult #long post #idk should i tag that #idk who's actually following this acct #besides kosestream

[trubilee]

so i guess i’ll write (blogwrite?) now.

today we were authorized for early release at D, the way we are whenever there’s a holiday, so i decided to use up my 3 hours of company-gifted time to try and write this morning (not write this blog, but write other stuff, which tired me so now i am writing this blog as my treat for this last hour).

it has been a challenge to write these past several months.  i sort of think i know why, or i know what triggered it at least.�� not sure why the difficulty persists but i guess i could pat myself on the back for trying this morning.

there are a lot of things i’ve been wanting to write about.  in no particular order, my performance eval at work, my strange quarantine life-related skincare fixation journey (oh, the ups and downs), wes and happiness and my odd overthinking of it sometimes, the chasing francis book i finished a couple weeks ago, the funeral last week, and... hmm.  maybe that’s around everything i can think of.  oh, music in the time of rona too.  also stuff in me that the writing has kicked up.  i guess i could try.  oh, and my bras of choice during these WFH times.  maybe a little about daisy and the vaccine.

so.  performance eval.  it went extremely well.  we took the full hour.  my leader L is not the type to give much feedback, but in the first half of that hour she basically looked straight at me and told me all the things i would’ve wanted to hear.  about client group 1, and 2, and 3, the breadth and versatility and equal parts drafting and interpersonal connecting components of them all.  i repeated it all to paul when i told him how it went, and really, really it was everything i would’ve wanted to hear from her.  i was praying thanks to God as she was talking to me through the screen, because i was just absorbing all the words that i had been so hungry to have her give to me this whole past year.  and there are so many things to it too.  things like, i know i am not perfect and everything to everyone the way i think i should--even could be--and i can’t necessarily just say to myself “oh but nobody is” because actually, at this company, there are some people who are, they really really are just so good, and i feel so bad just taking in how good they are at thinking on their feet and killing it at getting things done here, and being so articulate and effective at communicating and dynamic and all of it.  anyway, the conversation felt so... whole-making.  hahaha.  make-whole-ing?  another part of it is that i have always been grateful for the job, i always felt like it was suck a lucky winning when i shouldn’t have necessarily landed it and with that came this default set of thoughts that went, oh they hate me.  oh they think i am inept.  oh they see how inept i am.  they regret hiring me.  i don’t want them to regret hiring me.  that would be one of my worst fears, jobwise.  to burden someone with my existence on their team.  i know that it’s healthy to think that a company is lucky to have you and to know your worth and all, but bc i’m kind of acquainted with my own versions of total failure, i’m not good at thinking that way.  i’m always thinking that i’m lucky to work for X company.  it would probably make many a leadership coach or asian american advancement advocate grimace.  i’m sure it’s a handicap to me careerwise, salarywise, etc etc, but asking me to fix it is like asking mesomeone to stop being insecure.  in that, it's not something you can change by will.  it almost feels like a part of my dna, not just some protective armor.  this is why i sort of roll my eyes inside when someone announces that she (it’s usually a she) has imposter syndrome.  it’s unfair, i know, but i almost want to look around and say, wait is that not just the normal state of things?  why are you acting like it’s some sort of unusual complex that you have?  i thought everyone, anyone with any noonchi, had that.  that’s like saying that--gasp--you don’t think you’re the absolute sh*t.  it doesn’t mean you're afflicted with anything.  i should ease up a little.  

damn.  i only have 20 min left.

ok another thing about the performance eval.  about which i joked to my leader, when she said we could have these conversations more regularly if we wanted to, that my heart could only take once a year at most.  i was so relieved, so happy, i felt so uncaged afterwards.  bc again, really it extinguished all of the unhelpful fears that had made me so tense about work this year.  and part of me, the part that is always maybe a little too self aware, thought to myself, that gosh, if getting a positive review from my leader at some big company where i am a corporate peon is this satisfying to me, then perhaps my world, my dreams, are just rather small.

i was thinking about that and preemptively tried to put it to paul this way:  that sometimes i feel very rich.  not like money-wise, bc i know just enough of the wrong people to ever feel that way (lol).  but more in a life-currency sort of way.  like when i think about my little family of three, my son who is so perfectly delightful that i don’t even know how to--i don’t know how to appreciate him or even just take him in without feeling like his delightfulness is slipping through my fingers simultaneously with, even AS i’m, looking at him and trying to appreciate him and take him in (does that make any sense?), my husband who i have similar slightly overwhelmed feelings about when it comes to his quality as a human being and heart on this earth, and my mom and dad who both survived their different cancers.  about how somehow God provided me with not just the friends i needed but even extra friends who i didn’t dare think i had a chance at asking for, and even this house, and having and seeing daisy and family regularly, and gosh even my inlaws who only seem to ever give and never receive (sorry, ommonim abbonim...) and my sister in law who i feel the same way about, and our nanny, and yes this job too, this job i once never thought i had the right to even dream of having bc of said past failures, this job for two companies brands i adore and believe in.  and the chance to write, and feeling like i have something to write about.  and even knowing a handful of living, breathing, non-robot human beings who actually read what i write, actually think it’s worth their time.  what marvels.

on the other hand, sometimes i feel rather poor.  i feel like we don’t have enough savings, we aren’t saving enough.  i feel like we will always just need to work for a salary bc neither of us is in a job role where we make dividends happen for us.  and i am so junior here at a place where promotions are slower than slow anyway, and salaries aren’t tech or finance salaries anyway.  and i feel ugly and like a half-distracted working mom whose life is devoid of glamour or romance or margin or space or passion / vision.  well, i guess my “poor” list is a lot shorter than my rich list.  

all this to say, after my dumb performance eval i felt like a rich woman.  not because they told me i was getting some big raise (i’m not, and i don’t generally care bc the raises are so small and have you seen the mass layoffs happening here).  i felt rich bc i felt like i got really validating feedback from leaders i really admire, both on a professional and personal level, and i work on a team with colleagues who i think are really excellent at what they do, and i work at a company where i really like what they make.  i feel kind of silly typing all of this out bc it’s so freaking wholesome and vanilla and, again, small, but it’s true.  those things made me happy after my review.  and this is the job i report to 8 hours a day.  yep.  real stable, ordinary stuff.  

i told paul that in thinking about how happy i felt and feeling self-conscious about that happiness, i would rather feel like a rich woman and be objectively “poor” than to be the other way around.  to feel like i am poor but in reality be quite rich.  

it’s also funny bc B and G also specifically separately felt compelled to send me messages confirming this same exact thought, now that i think about it.  how wonderful.  thank you.

next topic.  bras in rona times.  yesterday i bought my fourth--no, lemme count--seventh! eberjey bra.  it’s not bc i’m being greedy, it’s just that the ones i started with i wore so often that they jstarted wearing out.  the eberjey bras are generally underwired, with no lining except a thin layer of lace, and they make my boobs--my post-maternity, seen-such-better-days, already wilted boobs look terrible under my clothes.  but i am working from home and don’t need the extra lining for decency’s sake.  and when i see the bras in my bra drawer and i deposit my boobs into them every morning it feels lovely.  the bras are unflattering but they are delicate enough (while still practical) and comfortable to wear and are lovely to look at.

well i need to start my workday now.  if i ever get around to it i’ll write about other stuff.

[dayanaaldg]

woes from work

My father recently asked me how I was doing. I said, “Okay lang”. How else could I have answered it?

He replied and said with conviction that if I was having a hard time balancing work and grad school, I can give up my job. It was supposed to make me feel better. I know he said it because it was unusual for me to wake up at 5AM to begin with my work so I can go out with them while they are in Manila.

He might have also said it because of my overall aura, my eye bags, and sometimes my mood. So you see, working from home sounds like the heaven that it is: you can avoid the life-threatening Manila traffic, create your own work schedules, go out with friends almost anytime, and work even from a thousand miles away.

Yet, even heaven has its walls and gates. Working from home (WFH) has its own serious disadvantages. If you have anxiety like me, it might not play too well for you as well. I can enumerate some risks:

1. WFH is not a traditional job format. It is a “millennial” compromise and response to the ever-changing demands of several industries. It would be hard to explain to your Auntie, older cousins, and even other relatives what you do. Even peers of the same age who are not entirely familiar with it may mistake it as a simple “raket”. Others would just nod but to their mind they may be thinking, “Ah, freelancer siya”. Thing is, the descriptions of free-lancing and engaging in ‘rakets’ does not really do justice to what WFH means. To my mind, WFH is an umbrella term. So when you WFH, you can be working for an organization, freelancing, doing additional ‘rakets’, or everything. So as someone who is more detail-oriented and makes the effort to understand things, it can sometimes be tiring to hear even the most meager comment on the job. Yet, it can be also really tiring and disappointing to just assume that everyone will think the way you do, and act with a heart the same as yours.

So what do I do? In times when I get asked what I do, I take a deep breath and begin with, “Ah, I write for a digital marketing startup”. On some days though, I just say, “I write blogs.” On worst days days I just say, “I write”.

2. WFH gives you freedom. I mean, a whole shit-pile of freedom. Yes, it has life-changing benefits especially when you work under a company as understanding and generous as mine (thank God, I got lucky on this one. More of that later). However, dealing with anxiety takes a great deal especially when you really don’t need to be physically somewhere to get your job done. For one, waking up is a serious challenge. Setting up a routine, is even harder. Let me tell you why.

I am not the most disciplined person, I will have to admit. I am a night owl, I wake up at noon sometimes. My brain functions best, I believe, from 10PM to 5AM max. My class schedules are no problem since they are at night. Sure, I can easily make a routine out of this. Then the rest of my responsibilities come in. On some days I attend meetings for our non-profit at 8AM, my parents ask me to go on meetings at 9AM, and establishments (govt agencies, school offices) are open and better-serving on early times. This may sound like an easy problem but it is not especially when my body has already adapted to how I do my work. I am on the process of setting a routine, though. And recently I have been consistenly waking up at 4AM, then sleeping again by 10AM. I wake up by 2PM to prep for my classes, then go to sleep by 1AM. It’s not the best but it works for my work and breakdown schedules.

3. WFH also gives you the freedom to really push your deadlines even beyond their deadliest deadlines. Yeah, this is where my problem lies. Since undergrad I have submitted outputs in time. It was during the first half of 2018, my last semester in university, when I noticed by inconsiderable passion for finishing my work, or my lack thereof.

I remember not having enough drive to finish my thesis. I think it cost me the ‘best thesis’ award hahahahahahaha. My Professor said so, anyway, just in case you didn’t know. Moving forward, I identified myself as burn out. One who just fleets with the wind, letting days go by and not really minding if she will be wiped from the face of the world (permanently) today. Days were no longer counted by hours, they were only two parts of the day: morning and night. I sleep in the morning, I work at night. I think a lot during the in-betweens.

You see, as a 22-year-old, I may have had a lot on my plate. My hormones and emotions which have gone wrong (I have PCOS, my pills also affect it), my classes with approximately 600 pages of readings weekly, my job with at least 6,000 words to be written per week, the non-profit with communications materials needed at hand, bills, plates in the sink, hair on the bathroom floor, cockroaches in dark corners, my thoughts in dark corners, the heavy Manila traffic, my parents, oh my beloved parents. On top of all these is the cherry on top, the irrational fear of never being enough.

Hope it did not sound that bad, I think they aren’t. I have stopped accepting other tasks offered to me. I started accepting the fact that I could no longer do it all. It makes me sad that the same tasks I did not have to worry about when I was in college actually and vividly worries me now. I tell myself to be patient with me. So far I am succeeding, but for how long?

4. WFH means constantly working on yourself, at your own pace. So, my father’s offer still stands. I know I’ll take it when I pursue law, but not now. I actually like what I’m doing. I guess, if not for my anxiety, the feeling of being burnt out and not being good enough, I would be doing so much more. A person has limits though, and I guess this really is mine. It took me months to accept this. Maybe because in UP, we were taught that we could be anything we wanted to be, in honor and excellence. I strongly believed this. I still do. But maybe it is indeed true that honor also means honoring your own thoughts and your efforts.

Even when it is a painful thing to admit, yes, I should admit that you are enough. It is painful not because I aim to dwell on the negatives, but because I even had to doubt and reaffirm myself for so many times.

I am currently struggling with my backlogs. I have so many. brb

[cythoughtsnmemories]

15.08.21

Can't believe I actually haven't update for d past 2 weeks. I swear I was God damn busy. Too much happened and I'm so tired.

I'm grateful our anniversary celebration was great and I decided to post a few of our photos on IG and it turn out well. As in a few friends were happy for me. Went grocery shopping, lunch, planted our succulent, movie and made our own dinner. The stuffed portobello is even better than d pineapple salmon 😂

Mum's health wasn't good. Had to stay overnight and admitted after doing a body check up. Found out some blockage and doctor advised to do bypass surgery. 1st time mum wasn't home for 3 nights and I couldn't visit her due to covid19 measures. I then realized how much I missed my mum. I felt like I'm still a kid who needs her mum to be ard to take care, to nag...

Thank God, mum is able to discharge and went for another consult w another doctor in different hospital. Shall wait for the next appt and able to delay surgery.

I'm so glad after 3rd try, I can donate blood. Felt good able to do some good.

Cooked lunch for bf n his fam past 2 wk and I'm grateful they find it nice and nvr hiam my cooking skill.

Lucky bf wanted to view bto site. Just nice, bto application open last wk. Praying hard and hope we can get a good Q no. Want to start plan my next stage of life w bf but without securing a hse, we can only con't dating 😂 Really hope I can have 2 kids before I'm 35, if not 1 kid also okay. Excited abt planning for wedding n renovation but also worry abt the money.

That's my next point, do I want to keep searching what job makes me happy or should I just stick to HR? I question my own capability sometimes. I wish I can be tai tai too 😂 but I want to have my own income. With my current saving, I can't. Haha hahahahahaha

Besides that I'm just wfh n 1 day in office. Della could tell I wasn't happy at my new workplace. Although in ex company my workload was hell but I felt happy going to work, w my colleagues company, helpful colleagues and I'm clear what I'm doing. But idk if I'm doing my job right, did I miss anything, v little human interaction and I don't feel accomplished at all.

Last week was bad, I felt quite depressed, incompetent and lost working. I OT almost everyday except that day meeting my bf for dinner. Lots of meeting, I felt left behind, not sure what to ask. Mailbox size is pathetic small (archive twice since I joined 2 mths) , some colleague didn't reply my email (was told he didn't want to handle. Then how am I suppose to proceed w my work?!)

I start questioning myself. I got d pay I want but I'm not happy. Bf n Della ask me to give myself more time to adapt cosim still pretty new. Idk man, I don't even feel welcome, although my dept colleagues r friendly. Ya, Civid19 measures is to wfh but I tot at least 1st mth go office everyday? I didn't mind to go office honestly. All I get is WA my buddy if I've question abt work, zoom meeting and piled up work.

I hope things get better covid19 and work. I can't wait to go back to pre covid days. I know we r not near end of d tunnel. Just so tired. I'm glad, at least I've Della n bf to rant to. Sis acc me when I wfh.

[zarakavya]

Happy New Year 2021

Welcoming New Year:

Read my letter from last year, repost the highlight moments of 2020, and write letter for my-next-year-me.

…

I could say that 2020 might be an unique year. When people say that so many tears and pains in 2020, I felt it so. But, I think, we can learn so many lesson in 2020. Even, it’s a bit hard than last year, for me. At least, we’ve tried. 

Thank God. Eventho’ my night was full of fears and tears, at least, there’s you in my heart. I fell down, and I tried to get up. Repeatedly. 

Thank God, You save me from  all of the bad things. You save me. I apologized that I just realized. You save me. 

January. I felt so many bad emotions from this month. I needed to heal my self, my soul. Overwhelmed. Hurt and broken. Numb. Numb. Numb. I felt that I never live on this month. And I hate so many things. Like I should to fight my day, every single time. It was so hard. 

February. I tried to heal, everytime I could, and everytime i need. Since, I was sick for few days at the hospital in 2019, I was broken. I stayed at home for some weeks or months. I didn’t have a desire or something like that, to hang out with my friends or anything else. I just want to stay at home, at my room, alone, just me and myself. Broken: mentally, physically, cognitively, my work, partnership, self-blaming, regret, low self-confident, hopeless, low self-esteem. Cried everyday. But, I thank to my friends that support me to get up again. They always remind me to cheer up again. And I pushed myself to realized and back to normal. I tried to meet my friends again, hang out, spent my day with them. I tried to tidy up my assignment. I tried to fix my heart and my mind. And I felt better. Thank you.

March. Welcome to Corona! (Ini tuh yaa sibuk sesibuk sibuknya ngurusin kerjaan, perubahan jam kerja, jadwal WFH, penyesuaian aturan pemerintah. Ewh riweh! Mulai ngurusin tes covid karyawan, koordinasi sana-sini.)

I thank to my friend, aries buddy. We went to Blok M, after office. Kashiwa: place that never be failed. We talked, we shared, what we felt. And we walked arround Blok M, we laughed so loud, we pretended like we walked in Japan’s street food, we were sooo happy like no one see us. We decided to spent our night at coffee shop (M-Bloc) and we sang a song, we shared everything, we laughed, then we cried, then we debated the idea that we had. Conversation: our relationship. Of course. 

On this month, March 15th, I decided to end my relationship. I thought it was toxic. And I thought that it would be better like this. I tried to forgive myself, forgive him, and accept the condition, the situation. Healing. Move on. For the umteenth times I tried to end it, but this one, I felt that it would be the last. I didn’t feel sad, regret, or any else like I felt before. I didn’t try to moving forward or forget him so hard. I felt like my life so normal, I enjoyed. It was peaceful, feel free, and happy. Even, my friends were sad to know that I end my relationship. I dont know why. ahaha. But I thank to all of you, for your support :) From that moment, my day was begin again. My 2020 start from March. There’s no January and February hahaha. 

Thank you, for your kindness. Thank you for accept my decision. Thank you for make me feel happy. Thank you for all the memories. I’m sorry, if I ever hurt you. Again, Thank you. 

April. My Birthday! The saddest birthday in my life that i had: Corona, after break up, no friends, no party, no meet up, no cakes, and still working at office. hahaha. 

Birthday: Finally you talked to me, you told everything that I never know before. I cried. I felt so happy that you want to tell me. But, at some point, it was hurt to know the truth. You told me that you hate me for few months. That’s why we didn’t talked. And I felt it so. We told what we liked, unliked, wanted, unwanted. At least, I knew what you felt and what you thought about me. Thank you for being honest. 

Ramadhan. Learned to feel the peacefull of your heart. Thank God, I met my Ramadhan in this year. (Bulan puasa paling lucu sih. Karena gabisa bukber atau pun pergi-pergi, jadinya tiap hari selalu telfonan, video call, zooming dan main gartic tiap hari, ketawaaaa terus sama mereka, sayang banget. Main gartic sampe pagi, zooming sampe sahur, ada aja yang dibahas, ketawa lagi, curhat lagi. malah jadi “ngebacain” masa lalu masing-masing jaman SMP haha. macam truth or dare yaaa bund. Mulai rajin nonton netflix, tiap hari netflix terus. main the sims udah abis berapa juta cuma buat the sims beli beli barang atau beli uang the sims. parah sih. Karena corona, semua kegiatan jadi virtual, termasuk ikut kelas-kelas online, jadi sering ikut webinar. seru banget. jadi kangen banget sama semuanyaa.)

May. Virtual Eid. 

June. I needed to heal my self. So I took some healing class. And I got the pattern. For 25 years in life, I never trip alone to somewhere. But, I did. It was amazing. I want to do it again. again and again. It was fun and free.

July. I started to meet my friends again: BL, karaoke, makan, ngobrol banyak hal, ketawaaa terus, seneng terus.

August. The happiest day in my 2020. Trip to Bandung: Ranca Bali. (Hari paling puas ketawa, paling nyenengin, selalu sama mereka, cinta banget, sayang banget ya allah. Dari awal tahun sampe sekarang, kayaknya hari itu doang yang dirasa paling nyenening. bener-bener bahagia banget. seneng liat diri sendiri waktu itu bisa selepas itu. Ga harus mewah-mewah, jalan sama temen-temen ke tempat alam kayak gitu udah lebih dari cukup.) 

Thank you my lovely friends, you always know how to make me happy. Thank you for coming to my life. 

You know, when brokenhearted, feeling blue, or had a gloomy day, I loved to go to the mountain. Trekking. And also, healing.  Along the way, I spelled the words to myself, gave a positive affirmation, I forgave my self. Thank you the Universe.

On August, also, I thank to you. Thank you for coming to my life unexpectedly. You showed who you really are. You gave your love wholeheartedly. I could feel it. But, you know, the quite sadness is, when you couldn’t give your own love equal as same as he gave to you. I’m so sorry. Sorry if I’ve disappointed you. Thank you for being a good friend. 

September. I never thought that I could fall in love with someone again, as same as I love him. Feeling, that came from my deepest heart. Purely. Sincerly. Wholeheartedly. Thank you for someone who has came to revive my feelings that have died before. You light up my room. Thank you, i’ve been through it all. Thank you for bringing myself back again. Thank you for telling me everything without hesitation. Thank you for trusting me enough. Thank you for being honest to me. Thank you for all the attention and warmth that has been given starting from the small things. Thank you for teaching me to care and be brave. Thank you for teaching me to be better. 

October. That day. I knew, I was wrong. I apologized to all. All I want is stay with my family. - always be there with them. - hug them all day long. - sleep with my mom, and hug her tightly. I’m sorry, I’ve disappointed you. For the first time, staycation with them in 2020.  

November. Celebrating my mom’s birthday with all of my family. So happy. Blessed.

Nov, 6th. Thank you for the conversation, your gaze, your story. Comfortable. I never thought that you would be honest and trust me enough, to tell everything that I called, privacy. Because, I couldn’t do like you do. And finally we shared our story to each other. Emphaty: you know, I just cried, you must have felt so sad and hurt at that time. If I were there, near you at that time, I wanted to hug you tightly for so long, and said, “It’s okay lil’ boy, it’s okay to cry and feel what you really feel”. Thank you for waiting for me. I loved to see you when you sang a song in the car, then we sang together, then we laughed. You accompany me, you take care of me. You were still there, to see me, to make sure that I leave safely. After that, you could go. Thank you for trying to make me fall for you. Now, I still think about that, how come I can fall in love with someone like you. I never thought that I could be in love with you.

When trust must be broken. Is there trust left in your heart? I dont know what happend. Just Thanks. Thank you for, hm everything. Good or bad. There’s a lesson we can learn. You make me feel better, and I still learn to be a good girl, to be better. It was hurt, but I learned. Thank you, a good boy!

Desember. Apparently, it’s not as easy as I thought. Negative emotion. Sadness. Hurt. Enveloped the end of this year. But, lessons learned anyway. Thank God, Thank you 2020.

2021, please be nice :) I need the beach very muchhhh! please take me there!

[renlikesstuff]

50 Quarantine Asks

I just want to answer some shit to kill time.

1. Are you enjoying yourself? No, I’m working.

2. Do you miss how life used to be? Certainly.

3. What are you doing with your time now that you're home? Working.

4. What drinks do you have in the fridge right now? Milk! Bottled water. Some Smirnoff Ices of different flavors. Almost out of Coke Zero.

5. What snacks do you have in your house right now? So so many. Lots of fruit snacks. My husband and I are addicts.

6. When was the last time you stepped outside, and what for? I left the house Tuesday 3/31 to get some lunch. Before that, I went grocery shopping last week.

7. What's a book you hope to read while quarantined? I have a bunch of Codex Alera books I borrowed from a friend that I’ve been trying to read for years.

8. What's a goal you hope to achieve while being quarantined? I’d like to finish a chapter of writing Something. 

9. How long do you think you can last like this? I’m putting on weight for sure, but I’m an introvert so I’ll deal just fine.

10. What is the last thing you've read? WaPo articles about Corona Virus.

11. What show are you catching up on? Bob’s Burgers. Missed a lot of season 10.

12. Are you a "stay in pajamas all day kind"of person? God yes. I have several pairs of the same yoga pants that I alternate/wash.

13. What time did you go to sleep last night? A nice reasonable 11pm.

14. What time did you wake up today? 7:15am. Been sleeping in since I don’t have to drive to work.

15. Are you staying active? Not at all.

16. Are you staying hydrated? Not as much as I should. /goes to get water

17. How long do you think this quarantine will last? Probably til the end of May at least in the US.

18. If you had to study one subject everyday for the rest of this quarantine, what would you study? A foreign language.

19. How much weight do you suppose you'll put on by the time this quarantine is over? Probably 15 pounds.

20. What's your favorite board game? GLOOMHAVEN.

21. What's your favorite card game? Dungeon Mayhem

23. What's your favorite tv show? Futurama

24. What's your favorite snack? Gummies

26. What's your favorite beverage? Coke

27. What do you like most about the quarantine? Not paying tolls or gas to drive to work. Or traffic.

28. What are you finding most challenging about the quarantine? Sharing the office with my husband so we can both work. Some time arranging for conference calls.

29. Do you think COVID-19 is as bad as the media says it is? I’ve had pneumonia before and it sucks butt, so I believe the disease is terrible. I’m skeptical China bounced back so quickly/easily while Italy is still getting ravaged, but I think we need to be careful and empathetic.

30. What precautions have you taken to stay safe from COVID-19? Staying inside, got a ton of hand sanitizer, haven’t visited my 70-something parents, getting deliveries at the door.

31. What have you learned so far from this experience? My work was full of shit about “how important it is to be in the office to collaborate”

32. Are you introverted, omniverted, or extroverted? INTROVERTED

33. Which room in your house do you spend the most time in? The office doing work. Or the living room playing Animal Crossing.

34. Who are you most worried about? My brother is immune compromised from a kidney transplant decades ago and gets sick easily, but he’s been hunkering down. Otherwise, my husband’s best friend’s wife just had surgery for breast cancer and has been on chemo so I worry for her.

35. Who was the last person you texted, called, facetimed? Emailed my parents last night.

36. What three emojis best describe your attitude towards what's going on right now? 🤧 😬🥺

37. If you had to live in one item of clothing for the rest of this quarantine what would it be? my yoga pants

38. What was the last meal you cooked and how did it taste? My husband made red beans and rice. I’ve had allergies so it was hard to taste.

39. What's your favorite restaurant? Is it closed? Mario’s Salvadoran. It is closed and I am worried because we’ve gone thru 4 Mexican restaurants in its exact same spot in 5 years and I worry it won’t weather this.

40. What is your favorite store? Is it closed? Uhhh... Madness Games? Probably?

41. How many things have you purchased online since being in quarantine? Not much. I’ve bought a few video games (Bubble Bobble 4 Friends, Animal Crossing, Persona 5 Royal)

42. What was the last thing you purchased online? I have a subscription of gum coming friday :D Otherwise I bought some Venus razors. Priorities.

43. What's getting you through these tough times? My husband and pets.

44. Are you keeping up with the news? I read the Washington Post every day and check the COVID map

45. Are you stressed? A little bit. My work has been very reactionary and throwing lots of last minute projects at me and taking advantage of WFH as this ALWAYS WORKING mentality that I do not love.

46. Tell me something positive. I’ve been playing a lot of online D&D with groups via Roll20. It’s a really nice social activity despite the difference. My husband has become an excellent DM.

47. Give me some advice. Don’t be so hard on yourself about Being Productive. It’s a hard skill to learn to Sit Still if you’ve had your worth wrapped in your ability to produce (art, work, whatever). It’s okay to not be okay.

48. What's your favorite quote? Uhhhh.

49. What's your favorite book? The Screwtape Letters

50. Tell me an interesting fact. My brain is fried, i got nothin.