#bc above everything else i am Terrified that previous doctors and therapists are right and this is all my fault

[arcadian-vampire]

If y'all need me, I'm busy lamenting my status as a Medical Anomaly. Yeah it'll be all day. Or two. Maybe six.

#pikaposts #medical anomaly blogging #my fingernails keep turning blue now and i'm umm going through it lol (has cried like three times in the past three days bc i'm scared) #but i'm also. too scared to tell my doctor about it. i haven't even told him that my feet turn purple when i stand #bc above everything else i am Terrified that previous doctors and therapists are right and this is all my fault #or that i'm just too sensitive #i'm so tired of tests coming back all good when i'm not all good. i'm so sick of doctors looking down on me #i'm sick of them looking at me at all! because they end up deciding i'm doing this all on purpose so they do look at me! #i wish it was on purpose so i could just stop. i wish i'd fucked up intentionally instead of accidentally #but i'm also terrified that there Is something wrong- something that can be fixed- and i've waited this long #because some shitty doctors decided to give me ptsd when i made a serious effort to get better #i'd be so furious i wouldn't know what to do with myself #but i still don't know which is right! is it me or is it them! who knows! does it matter! #okay i'm done being a silly goofy guy in the tags i'm gonna paint now