#because every trans person i've seen figures at least SOMETHING out after nearly two years of intense questioning

[pochapal]

do i really have Gender going on or did i just spend too much time around trans and trans adjacent spaces and end up subconsciously tricking myself

#:) #like explain why i got to the Gender Point a good three or four times in my life and every time i backed down #but the first time i properly interact with actual trans people it suddenly becomes this Thing i can't switch off #idk it's only in the last two years (and that one time at like thirteen) #that i've ever thought about this more deeply than just 'being called man makes me feel weird maybe there's something to that' #and i'm like. not sure if anything i'm thinking and feeling on the matter is real? #because every trans person i've seen figures at least SOMETHING out after nearly two years of intense questioning #but i'm just. not??? and i'm starting to feel like if there was actually something to this i would have figured something out?? #like i'll throw around the lingo like dysphoria and whatever but what i call that probably doesn't match with literally anyone's experience #so like. if i don't really relate to anyone's experiences and i haven't made any progress then is gender really what's happening? #like i think there's Something going on vis a vis personal identity but i don't know if it can legitimately be called a trans thing #because there's just not enough evidence for it that can't also be explained away as some other thing #god fuck imagine after all this it really was just a depression/body dysmorphia combo. i'd never live it down