#because ya know recovering from a manic episode and not in the best shape in this current moment

[gregmarriage]

really just feels like the last four years of my life have been in pretty permanent stagnation, everything’s temporary and transitional, and i’ve been trying to fix it, but every time i do, something happens to make it worse

#the universe doesn’t want me to have a stable life apparently #i say four years it’s been my fucking whole life with the universe kicking my ass #but i was stable for a long time but then 2020 reset everything #i think i slipped through the cracks and it was like ‘oh shit haven’t fucked with gwen in a while’ #then boom! #and now i’m here and it’s bullshit #man i remember when i used to have friends and i wasn’t actually for real stared at in the supermarket for being disabled #i remember when i wasn’t even disabled #like my mental health was actually good and things were better than they are now #i say ‘better’ bc in a lot of ways i had to have my brain rewired by trauma to get to where i am now #in general #not like now now #because ya know recovering from a manic episode and not in the best shape in this current moment #keep getting frustrated and it’s like bruh you were literally manic not even a full month ago #you’re still not fully recovered #trying to get better at being gentle with myself but it’s tough bc i’m not used to it #which is such a sad statement holy shit #trying not to say ‘i wanna kms’ over every tiny thing #bc triggering and bad #trying to just live in the moment and just ‘be’ #which is difficult when i’m almost constantly in pain in some way but fuck it we ball #< my new catchphrase?