#because your fucking npd has made you feel self centered in a way that means you want to help people or some shit i dont fucking know

[buppypuppy]

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#vent post essay ahead lol #having complexes about talking about your emotions is literally the fucking devil . its miserable. it sucks so bad. #the aamount of damage that is caused to someone by like #i mean im talking abou t me here obviously. #being the person whose like. overall ultimately tends not to feel horrible as often is like. #it's nice not feeling bad emotionally all the time but also it's like. i develop this complex about being like able to help. #i don't feel bad anywhere near as often as my friends so i can help them out and listen to them vent i can have the mental room to #like listen to them talk about their problems. yeah. but it makes me feel like. well this is my job now so i shouldn't fucking talk about m #i shouldnt vent when i feel bad because that's not what i'm known for. plus my friends already all feel worse than me more often than me. s #i don't want to dump any more on their plate than they have to deal with. i don't want to burden them anymore than i have to. and like it's #it's hard. i hate fucking talking about it and it's made so much worse when its like people i love . always been a fucking problem becaus #i just feel fucking horrible admitting that i feel bad i hate that so much. i don't want to like turn away people who care about me but li #i feel like if i tell them what's wrong with me i'll like do it anyways. i feel like i come off as super normal and happy go lucky and like #ostensibly fine. so when i admit this shit its like. oops the facade is cracking!!!!!! uh oh uh oh you can't help people so you feel bad!!! #because your fucking npd has made you feel self centered in a way that means you want to help people or some shit i dont fucking know #and so when i feel bad or get mad over something unreasonable it's like. well i hope i fucking keel over and die or something i dont like . #i don't want people seeing me like this or whatever. and my stupid fucking personality disorder just ruins every god damn thing its so bad. #my past experiences giving me complexes that lead to me feeling fucking left out over like small stupid stuff but god the worst part is lik #my brain categorizing something as being ''My Thing'' so somebody else talks about liking my thing AFTER my brain has designated it mine #makes alarm bells go off and feel like theyre fucking. i don't know encroaaching on my turf or what the fuck ever? it SUCKS ASS #it makes me feel HORRIBLE . and it's like i'm not gonna fucking bring it up because i don't wnt to be like a dick but also it's like well. #i feel fucking miserable about this but it's just like mean and unnecessary and cruel to like stifle people's fucking fun because of my dum #fuckin complexes. it's fucking constant. like oh look at you girl you feel fucking left out because you never get characters who really gri #you mentally and so now you have one but oops! someone else talked about them and now you're seeing red! you like this person though #so you're gonna feel fucking MISERABLE about this . you're gonna feel HORRIBLE because of this. and there's nothing you can fucking do #and it controls my goddamn life and i HATE IT i fucking HATE IT i wish i knew how to fix it. ghghrgurghrughruhg i want to fucking explode #and then you feel bad about feeling bad because you are fucking sisyphus. you're sisyphus. and your own anger is your boulder. you ingrate. #i hate this. i just wanted to have a good day. #jane mary cry one tear

[c0rpseductor]

r/CPTSD is not ready for this take so i am posting it here but having survived abuse and developed PTSD or CPTSD does not guarantee you are a morally good person or not an abuser. it is NUTS to me how often I see what essentially boils down to “I’m good because I got CPTSD from my abuse and therefore everything i do is ok, but people with NPD are bad, therefore if they were abused it’s inappropriate to call them survivors or show them any empathy about it.” Ironically enough i think this kind of mindset is very....well, abusive.

you definitely don’t owe your abuser sympathy on a personal level, like, it was wrong of my dad’s father to beat him with a belt, but you couldn’t pay me enough to give a fuck about his feelings because he’s a monster. that doesn’t mean i’m of the opinion that Everyone With NPD Is A Horrible Subhuman Undeserving of Sympathy (or even that he has it, bc the social worker who armchair diagnosed him when counseling me was a moron, but that’s another conversation). i just don’t care about my dad in particular.

like, idk, i understand the urge to draw sharp lines between victim (good) and abuser (bad), but it’s unhelpful. victims can also be abusers in certain relationships. everyone has the potential to be thoughtless and cruel and hurt other people, too. and as much as i agree on an EMOTIONAL level claiming that someone who was abusive is now Forever confined to the abuser category and ontologically evil and worthless is not helpful either. being told “you’re irredeemable human garbage” isn’t going to convince them to change their behavior, nor convince people who are unintentionally replicating abusive behaviors to examine themselves (because why would they, abusers are evil and they don’t think they’re evil). i don’t feel bad for abusers in that they made the choices they did, but it IS important that we as a society find ways to get them to stop doing that, and i don’t think this attitude works.

like i’m just tired of people being convinced that there’s something inherently more moral about them because they suffered abuse and then applying that in the most insanely shitty self-centered ways. sorry to say it but having CPTSD does not prove you’re a good person any more than a broken leg does. you still need to work on yourself. you’re still capable of wrong. literally everyone alive is.