#biking home wryly thinking about how it's the Second time ive brought a cat home in a bag. kinda morbid ngl.

[orcelito]

man emotional vulnerability's so fucked lol like ive told a few ppl at work that my cat died & theyve all been like "oh my god that's so awful, im so sorry" etc etc & like Yea it's nice to have the condolences, but a part of me feels like im faking it for attention. then im like. uh. dude. ur cat really did die. ur not lying about this one bit.

tbh i sorta feel like if i wasnt there for the euthanasia & seeing him dead, i wouldnt believe it was really true. Even Then i keep having to remind myself.

shit's weird.

#speculation nation #animal death ment/ #i know i said id try to stop posting about it. sorry. #it's just rly weird. i think im in the uh. whats it. denial phase? #less that i dont believe it happened and more. well #Factually i know it happened. Logically i know. i have the memories. i have the pictures. i have the Ashes. #but in my heart it doesnt feel like he's dead ykno? feels like i should look over and hear his obnoxious Mraaa as he wanders up to me #feels like i should be able to go out to my living room and greet him on the chairs out there. or see him in the windowsill #it's probably bc of how sudden it was. even holding my own mini funeral for him today wasnt enough to really drive it home. #not to mention how ive been compartmentalizing like Crazy to still be functional with work and such #like me picking up the bag today. seeing it & nearly breaking into tears right there #b4 i just Slammed that bitch shut. a harsh Don't Think About It. bc like hell im gonna cry in public more than monday night. #biking home wryly thinking about how it's the Second time ive brought a cat home in a bag. kinda morbid ngl. #not allowing myself to truly wallow in it probably has not been healthy for my processing overall. but im just trying 2 keep my sanity #i dont Want to be miserable. i dont Want to be depressed. so when ppl are giving it the rightful sorrow it deserves #im just standing there like. ah. Right. this Is something really awful. and i Am really broken up about it. #and in the end i know im not going to do anything different. because that's how all my negative emotions go. #Don't Think About It and It Won't Hurt Me. lmao no wonder i have problems with crying. #ive got emotional numbing down to an art form. ive been So good at it ever since i was a teenager. #and im gonna keep leaning on it however much i need to. better to be fake happy than true miserable. #pretend youre happy for long enough and it starts to feel real (until it doesnt). i'll take the fake shit over reality any day. #negative/ #i guess.