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talaxyan · 6 years

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a post on my anonymous fb account at 2.27am

biasa kan, tahun terakhir highschool pasti sering ditanyain mau kuliah apa? dimana? blablablabalba.. dan aku pasti selalu ngejawab 'chemistry' . yeah. that's it, i end the conversation--

but looking back at my perfomances in chemistry class, aku semakin lama makin ga terlalu yakin apa jurusan kimia nantinya bakalan beneran cocok sama minat dan kemampuan diriku dimasa depan. CUZ DUDEzzz LOOK AT ALL MY CLASSMATES, THEY ARE ALL GENIUSSSSS and there i am, the only potato in class. bukan maksud buat ngebandingin diri sendiri dan orang lain. TAPI, aku beneran sadar apa yang kemungkinan besar akan terjadi di dunia perkuliahan. akan semakin banyak dikelilingin orang yang levelnya saaaaangaaaatttt jauh sama diriku and that's bad. i had experienced it, still until now. being the only one who's struggling among those genius is not a good thing for me. it discourages myself to even try and drops my self-esteem to 0%. i fighted with it and just unfortunately yet expectedly didnt win. Although there's a lot things involve to this, it's not only bcs im not 'good enough' in chemistry, but also bcs im lacking at a 'crucial' human-thing. communication. yep, there's really nothing to say about this. i tried, and i think im improved a bit so it's not yet enough.

HOWEVER, despite all these things, im doing my extended essay in chemistry right--- jadi hampir setiap hari habis pulang sekolah selalu di lab, ngumpulin data buat essay nya dan aku suka ngelakuin itu : doing my own lab experimentation, designing all the methods by myself and most importantly these all are based on my interest, the idea that i myself came up with and no one literally put me in a pressure of doing it.

well------ it's not really because i'm afraid of the failure i might get if i really decide to study&pursue chemistry, but it's more likely, i believe there's other thing that I CAN BE BEST AT IT and it'll waste my times doing chemistry that perhaps will end up the same, im confused with my own ability. it's not like i'm giving up on trying chem, it's just better (for me) to consider something else that i dont really need to compare myself with anyone and be stressed out with it.

i think about it a lot that i wanna do visual art as well. I KNOW. i'm even worse at art than at chem. but the things that i NEVER do in art class are..... comparing myself to other people and being stressed out because i'm not good enough.there are MANY THINGS that i need to learn and improve in art. BUT I consider art to be another option because i think i can be the best at it.

for me, my definition of 'being the best' is when i dont compare my ability to anyone else even without i realize i just do my artpieces not even think if anyone in class could do better than me. dont misunderstand, my art classmates are amazing ARTISTS, each individual of them have their own art styles and that impresses me a lot. BUT that fact never makes me think that i dont deserve to do art in college.

as usual, there's always the dark side yet that doesnt really discourage me to keep trying. i still feel stressed tho, but it's because im procrastinating and not finishing my art written assignment on time.

ok, this is weird, but as im typing this post, my minds is confusing itself.

I dont wanna delete chemistry from my choice option yet. im just confused with my own thoughts. but i still wanna consider to do art.

dan 2 minggu terakhir ini aku ngelakuin beberapa interviews sama beberapa colleges and that kinda opens my eyes.

aku selalu berpikir akan lanjut ke university dan liberal art college hanyalah jadi cadangan doang. pokoknya aku selalu ngeprioritaskan masuk university daripada college.

karena aku bingung akan 2 pilihan, sekarang aku malah lebih sangat berpikir klo college bakalan lebih cocok sama diriku saat ini, dimana kebingungan masih terus ada dipikiranku.

aku nanya banyak hal di sesi interview sama beberapa colleges, salah satunya tentang masalah major ini dan emang sistemnya mereka itu lebih general dan bahkan aku punya waktu 1.5-2 tahun buat nentuin major aku. jadi tahun pertama itu bisa ngambil beberapa subjects yang nantinya kemungkinan besar akan buat aku yakin tentang apa yg aku pingin lakuin for the rest of my job-lyfe.

im sure about this and there's no really hesitation, i wanna go to liberal art college and i have list of them on my common app and navience already huehehehehe-

yeah. that's it. im wishing myself luck.

(anyway, i have SAT in less than a month and my early decision application is on november 1st. OMG time flies so fast)

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