#bullying bekind pridemonth pride gay smalltown highschool socialmedia eatingdisorder depression anxiety

[valiancyvulnerability]

What It’s Like Being Gay in a Town Where It Isn’t Accepted

     I made the choice to come out publicly mid-March of 2020, after the COVID-19 pandemic left the majority of Illinois stuck in our homes for the safety of others. I thought this would be a good time for me to make my announcement as it was an opportunity to avoid facing any of my peers after the fact, and I also wanted to do so before I moved into my first year of college.

     If I’m being honest, it was something I had always feared as a child. Being an individual who tries too hard to please everyone and be liked, I knew it was something that wasn’t necessarily the most accepted where I lived. I live in a predominantly white and conservative area, and there is nothing wrong with that, but that is a vital piece of information to know as I explain myself in this piece of writing. I moved to my current town when I was in the first grade, and based off my interests, personality, and mannerisms, everyone immediately made their assumptions about me, so I quickly began to alter and adjust accordingly in order to keep the remarks at bay. Additionally, my mom worked in the school district, so in order to avoid being talked about since I already felt like I was in the public eye, I just wanted to blend in with the crowd as much as I could.

     The lying to myself and to everyone around me didn’t cease until I was already out of high school. The first three words that title this post are “What It’s Like”, so with that being said, I want to share specific experiences I have had growing up that have stuck with me, and are all contributors as to why I waited so long to come out. Being gay in a town where it isn’t accepted is:

Giving a sheet of paper that has “GAY” written in big letters to your Kindergarten teacher, asking what it meant and why a 16 year-old handed it to you on the bus

Being targeted by a group of first grade classmates at recess for being a gymnast, and that it’s a “gay sport for girls”

Being told in an elementary music class, with an unchanged voice, as all elementary schoolers have, that I sing like a girl and that it would make more sense to go sit with them if we sound the same anyways

Being twelve and intentionally coughed on by an eighth grader, followed by the kindest “Move out of my way, faggot”

Hearing boys on the other side of the locker room say they feel uncomfortable that they have to change around me

Being shoved into a gym locker without any clothes on

Hearing an upperclassman say they don’t want the “fat closeted kid” on his team in gym class

Being shown a photo of a skinned deer with a caption “I am going to cut you up”

Singing a solo for a school assembly with the choir and directly facing the front row of boys while they laugh

Being called out in class for “only wanting equal LGBTQ+ rights because I’m too scared to come out of the closet”

Having someone tell you, (”No offense”), “If you want my guy friends to like you, you just need to stop acting gay, because you do a little bit” and that “you dressed like a grandma today”

Being called a bloody tampon because you dyed your hair red

Being laughed at for what you’re wearing by a whole table of underclassman boys that turn around and watch you get a napkin before lunch

Having a group of boys from school make a (very condescending) point to all like a boy’s comment complimenting one of my pictures on social media

And this is the one that will stick with me more than any other one:

Being sent this message on an anonymous social media platform this year-- 

“You’re the biggest f***wad I know. Just come out as gay already because you’ve seen more girls get undressed simply because you’re friends with them. Your tattoo looks cool but that’s about it. You look like an emo girl trying not to cut her wrists”

My mother raised me on kindness. She raised me on lifting others up. She raised me on being there for others. The thing I struggled with the most is that I couldn’t get my mind wrapped around the fact that I tried my hardest to be kind to others, no matter how they treated me, and it felt like I just had disrespect and insults spat back at me. I found myself using the “not everyone is going to like you” phrase often, because there were many times where it felt like, truly, I was disliked by everyone.

My junior year of high school, I fell into an eating disorder, and consequently lost weight and started dressing differently to dodge any negative attention that I had been faced with previously. I started partying. Drinking every weekend. Hanging with people fueled by hate. The result was all I could have asked for. I was liked by my classmates. I was on Homecoming Court. Guys at my school willingly spoke to me. The only issue with all of that though is that there was no genuine part of Carson that was present. It was entirely phony.

Once I found a friend group I felt accepted in my senior year of high school, my world entirely changed. I gradually found myself and became more comfortable with who I was as a person and I no longer felt a need to pretend about anything. I had that sense of security, so I didn’t have to worry about the opinions of people that didn’t have anything to do with me. I knew who I was, and I was still going to be respectful and kind towards those who weren’t to me, because that’s all I can do.

With all that said, there are some things that can be done.

I understand if my way of life doesn’t completely align with your beliefs, and I completely respect that. However, if it doesn’t affect you directly, then there is no point, none at ALL, to make an individual feel lesser than you, feel isolated, or feel like an alien. I have always been Carson, and always will be.

I am not a parent so some may think my opinion is unjustified here, but as children we are taught certain principles and morals that shape the way we treat others. If a child is raised that they need to show kindness to everyone EXCEPT group ABC or group XYZ, then something is wrong there in my eyes. 

My teachers were always great about making everyone feel included and welcome in their classrooms. I do challenge the education system as a whole, though, to not shy away from conflict regarding homophobia. Many times it is brushed off to avoid “ruffling any feathers”, so to speak, but that is not a solution that I can find the least bit of validity in. By sitting back and letting mistreatment happen to avoid “taking a side”, unfortunately, you are doing nothing but taking the side of the oppressor.

As the youth is shifting towards a more vocal and diverse generation, it is important for this to be talked about. Your location on the map should not be a deciding factor in how you are going to be treated, especially if it’s something you live with that can not and will not change. There is so much negativity and mistreatment among children and adolescents that is swept under the rug, and there needs to be some sort of action taken to get the general attitude among the youth (and adults, too, for that matter) moving in a more positive direction.

Be kind to one another. Find common ground within your differences, and learn to respect them. Stay safe and healthy, as always, and I hope everyone is doing well.

And happy Pride Month.

#bullying bekind pridemonth pride gay smalltown highschool socialmedia eatingdisorder depression anxiety