valiancyvulnerability

[valiancyvulnerability]

A Reflection and an Apology

I do not know where to begin.

In my attempt to begin, I hope you are doing well and are in a good mental space. “Things” continue to be difficult during this time; it’s frigidly cold, and there are a multiplicity of reasons to not be okay lately, if that is the case for you.

I went MIA for a long while because I foolishly fell into a self-inflicted trap once my mental health seemed to be improving during the fall semester. I had fully convinced myself that I had no other advice to offer, I had no reason to heal thru typing my jumbled thoughts onto a computer screen, and that, my friends, was a mistake I deeply regret.

Once I had become fully adjusted to college life, I was felt truly comfortable and at ease. I involved myself in extra-curriculars, made a handful of friends, and started eating again. I remember telling my therapist at my last appointment before school that I would call her a month into the semester to check in, but I never dialed her number. I ghosted her all of first semester because it felt as if therapy was something for me to temporary utilize when I am not doing well, and I was doing, so what was the point?

A toxic part of my personality is that I choose to believe that I can solve all problems alone. In all aspects of my life, that has always been the case. Give me an issue--and I am quick to get my ass in gear and think of the most reasonable solution to execute. I was not cognizant at the time that this was playing a principal role in how I viewed my own “healing”. I was not relying on anyone else other than Carson to get better, and once I got to a convincing enough spot, I ran with it and gave myself a pat on the back. Gold star. This was all me, and simply because I got results, it seemed healthy at the time.

Once the end of October rolled around, there was a sudden turbulence that didn’t seem to be the result of anything specific. I started to slip with my schoolwork, I engaged in hour-long staring contests with the ceiling, I locked myself in my room all day and took frequent unnecessary naps, and I stopped eating once more. Back at square one. Friends and family reached out, but it all sounded like white noise to me. I have possessed the ability to just push through my entire life, and this just happens to be a rough patch. Call me egotistical, but I was fully absorbed in the idea that the only person that could help me was me.

The rest of first semester was a series of many beautiful ups and many ugly downs. It was definitely a “going through the motions” type of situation. Every thought in my brain was so askew at all times that it disguised itself as a sense of consistency and comfort. I told myself I was excited to go home for break, but I knew the transition was going to absolutely wreck me just as much as it did when I moved in, whether I chose to acknowledge it or not. 

I moved all of my belongings out of my dorm and drove back to my hometown. I drifted from all of my friends from school that were important to me. Once finals were over, I blocked out everything school-related from my brain. I spent my time with my home friends, but was rather inconsistent as a friend to them. I blew up on my family daily, using some of the most explosive and hateful language that I have ever used. The excessive sleep persisted. I texted my therapist to seek medication. She replied that her soonest opening was the morning of my birthday.

My birthday quickly approached on December 22. This was the first year I was home on my actual birthday, just because COVID had tampered with our typical holiday plans. My friends threw a birthday party for me the evening of the 21st, which meant the entire world to me. I knew about it prior, and felt a peculiar dread filling up inside of me as the day lurched forward. Are they doing this because they know I haven’t been doing well and this is just an act of pity? Do they feel like they have to? Do they even want to do it in the first place? I wanted to stay home and sleep as I had been doing all afternoon. Nonetheless, I got myself up, got ready, went and met my friends and had a great time.

On the day of my actual birthday, I woke up and went to therapy. Upon my arrival, I caught her up on what had been going on in a fit of run-on sentences and utter word vomit. She suggested medication and set me up with a psychiatrist to meet with. I knew this was finally a form of relying on someone that is there to help. Although I wasn’t being my own usual rock, it did not feel like defeat. It felt like I was slowly being lifted from underwater. That evening there was a set plan to be with my family and get dinner, have cake, the works. The day continued. to drag, and I hibernated in my room, cocooned in blankets. I finally came downstairs to use the restroom and not two seconds of me being downstairs I got in an argument with my family. In a swift movement, I got dressed, got my keys, and started to leave. I wanted to just drive around aimlessly and pretend I had a different final destination rather than just returning home. On my way out the door my mom expressed that she had tried to make the day special and felt as if she had failed as a parent. 

This was a huge turning point in where I finally stared my own struggle straight in the face, sobbing, right in my own living room as it grinned back at me. I broke down, and the feeling I was experiencing was something like being submersed in a dream that you are conscious in, yet out of control. I felt as if I was choking, I wanted to vomit, but I stood, blubbering and trembling like a frightened chihuahua. Tears spilled down my face in furious waterfalls, and the expression on my face was still as stone.

After gathering myself, I went on my drive as planned, and it was storming. What am I doing? I thought about my therapy session from that morning and recalled telling her that there was not a day where I don’t think about not being alive. It’s rare that I feel like a danger to myself, but I explained that it was more of a sensation that I desired to be in a comatose-like state in a foreign country where I was ultimately unknown, and I wouldn’t be a burden to anyone in my life anymore.

What am I doing? I felt a pull to leave Illinois altogether without warning. Don’t tell your friends or your family, just go. Their lives will continue to move forward as they have and you are doing this in order to no longer be at a halt. Drop out of school. Get a job. Get an apartment, maybe with some plants and a neat rug. Start fresh. Be the genuinely good person you have failed to be for too long. Maybe cut your hair, too.

I have felt this weird pull to be elsewhere since my birthday. I started my antidepressant, Lexapro, right before I moved back into school for second semester. I am having a difficult time making friends. I cry every day. I sleep too much. Truthfully, waking up, getting ready, and making coffee in the morning feels like an immense feat. The psychiatrist told me I would go experience a “blackbox” period for up to six weeks where I would feel alone, exhausted, nauseous, and would potentially be a danger to myself. I have felt all of these things the past few weeks.

Now that I am beginning to scrape the surface of my body being acclimated to the medication, I feel better. Like really, I do! The desire of this “elsewhere” still lingers in the back of my brain, although it has taken on somewhat of a different form. I continue to daydream of this apartment, the plants, the rug--but it is not an attempted escape. In my head, it looks like a potential adventure for healing as opposed to avoidance when life challenges my well-being. 

The biggest lesson I have had to learn (the hard way, unfortunately) from 2020 as a whole and the preceding months is that I need to start taking the initiative to do things for myself. The toll my health has taken has been overwhelming, and I had tricked myself into believing I was “doing what I needed to do” by taking an extra 3-hour nap and locking myself in my room every day.

I have had to cut out things that were no longer serving me. Some were more painful than others, but I couldn’t be apologetic for it anymore. I have had it with waking up every day in a state of complete misery, permitting others to walk on my emotions, hating my body, and the way I was living. In order for me to move in any type of positive direction, I myself had to come first. 

I still have my down days, but my lowest point is behind me now, so I can properly reflect on everything that has happened up to his point. I feel as if I owe you an apology:

If you have been a part of my life in any way, shape, or form in the past year, I am sorry. I have been inconsistent, moody, dishonest, and just a poor quality individual. In order for me to give love to anyone I cross paths with, I had to be able to provide that for myself. Instead of repairing a broken machine, I kept using it until it combusted in the faces of everyone I care about. I wish there was an immediate fix to the problems I created over time, and if there was an instant solution, I would follow it with my entire being.

From this point forward, I want to assure you that I am trying to be better. I want to be there for all of you in the way you have tried to be there for me. I have not been kind to myself, and especially nobody else. If this feels applicable to you, please reach out to me so I can do my best to make amends personally.

With love,

Carson

This is not intended to be a pity trap. I am not seeking that. However, my goal is to normalize the conversation about mental health. The truth is that we all have a brain, and more often than not, we don’t always listen to what it needs. I hope that if you find yours asking something of you, you listen.

As always, stay safe and well. If anyone ever wants to extend the conversation of mental health with me personally, do not hesitate to reach out.

[valiancyvulnerability]

Starting School With an Eating Disorder

Ah, yes. Another not-fun, yet important stigmatic topic for me to write about. However, it is something that goes without being given any thought whatsoever. I am going to be the first one to say, though, that as an individual with an ED, it is rare for there to be a prolonged moment in my day where I am not conscious of what I eat or what I look like. That being said, I don’t vocalize it. You would not be able to tell, either, simply because it becomes easier to mask superficially.

My serious issues with my body and my relationship with food started in early March. When I came to terms with my sexuality around the same time, I felt myself comparing my own body to those of male complete strangers and began to live a life where the number on the scale was a direct reflection of my value and worthiness as a human being. 

April was a messy-ass month. It started as a general cutting back of food, but then progressed into a more serious situation with meal replacement drinks and weight loss pills. It was effective but there was not a day that went by where I didn’t black out--in my bedroom, at my front door, in the driveway. 

Once my parents became aware that I needed an intervention of sorts, I was able to construct a thought-out meal plan of “safe foods” that I would repeat daily and I would not break. I actually was getting the nourishment my body was needing, and the collective amount of time I would spend critiquing myself lessened and lessened.

Take note that I said I did not break my routined eating. I was forced into an abrupt break in that routine when we went on a family trip to Michigan at the end of the summer. It wasn’t something I had given much thought until we arrived at our destination, and we ate out for every damn meal. I didn’t want to be a Debbie-Downer, so I would slap a smile on my face and when we would return back to the condo, I would sleep in order to block out any negative thoughts I was having after a meal.

When I accepted the fact that sleeping was only a temporary solution for my relationship with food, I hit a very low point one evening and purged after dinner. It was quick--wasn’t painful. However, after the fact, I was exhausted both physically and mentally. That was a mistake, because although it was weakening me bit by bit, it was not something I didn’t feel I couldn’t handle. That brief instinct to go through those motions is what ended up being the hardest battle to fight in the long run.

Once the trip came to an end, the purging persisted but began to dwindle once I was able to return to a regular eating schedule again. However, what am I supposed to say when I get a text that says, “hey u wanna get ice cream” or “do u wanna grab dinner w me tonight”? Sure, yeah, I’ll go, but I had to face the fact that I was breaking my own set of rules that I felt like I deserved to punish myself for afterward. If there was any weak moment where I would break that routine, I would pay the price. 

When I moved into school, I was hoping the new daily routine of class and extra curricular activities would keep me distracted from any bad habits I had regarding my body and eating. Although it did help with the constant obsessing over it, I did have to eat. I had a tub full of my “safe foods” in my closet, and that is what I stuck to for about three weeks. We would go down to the Dining Hall as a floor and I would stand to the side. The idea of being forced into a whole new set of habits and eating something different everyday was a literal terror. 

To be clear, I have not purged since I moved into school. Do I love my body? Hell no. I am trying, however. There are days where I’m feeling pretty good, actually, and if you see a picture of me, perhaps, without a shirt, just know that was a good day! If you pay attention though, I am in the same stance, covering the same parts of my body, because as I said I am TRYING. With the good days, there also comes the inevitable, bad ones. 

When you move into a school schedule, whether it be middle school, high school, or college, you are forced to be around numerous people for several hours at a time. Not everyone is going to understand what all comes with an ED, and you can't expect everyone to. Little comments, whether they be “I’m so fat” or “I need to lose weight” or “Aren’t you going to eat anything?” possess the capability of sending me spiraling. Most of the time, though, it’s not meant to hurt you. It’s not meant to trigger you. That being said, it’s equally not as fun to listen to.

These social interactions are unavoidable. If certain things are triggering you, it is only because it’s letting you trigger you. Your brain has construed certain things, ideas, phrases, and foods to become a possible trigger, but if you look at it for what it is, it is not a trigger to anyone else but you. 

My advice is by no means perfect or universal, but I hope it reaches some and is somewhat helpful:

Do not push yourself. This is a new switch in routine for anyone with an ED, and forcing yourself into it quickly is going to end up being a toxic situation for you. Go at your own healthy pace, and don’t let anyone but yourself tell you how you should be handling this new change in schedule.

Consider therapy. If you aren’t already, I highly suggest considering visiting a therapist that best suits you. Eating and body troubles aside, once the school year begins, things tend to get more stressful, and this specific issue doesn’t do anything to aid it. If you are a college student and are not seeing a counselor, many college campuses offer qualified and great counseling programs that are there for YOU, so I do highly suggest seizing that opportunity if you see fit.

Remove sources of toxicity and replace them with nourishing ones. If you find that there are individuals that are bringing harm to your mental state and your relationship with your body, get them out NOW. It is not a debate. If you feel it is better to have a conversation with them about how you feel, and there is positive change in their actions, then that is great! However, if no change is actively present, do yourself a favor and remove yourself of that situation before it does serious damage to your mental health.

Deep breaths! School isn’t the most fun for any student, and this only makes it more of a taxing experience. Please surround yourself with people that love and care about you, and if you feel you don’t have anyone that understands or is willing to be there for you, do not hesitate to reach out to me. Disordered eating is not a pleasant battle to go through period, let alone by yourself, so please reach out to someone that can relate to you in that sense or someone that can offer professional help.

As cliche as it may sound, you are not alone and do not have to be.

---

Stay safe and kind, my friends.

#mental health awareness #mental health #eating disorder recovery #recovery

[valiancyvulnerability]

I Am Not Less Fit to be a Father Than You

I woke up this morning on the right side of the bed, and as I began to scroll through my socials, I stumbled upon a very ignorant tweet stating that men that identify as homosexual are not fit to be a father figure, and don’t even possess the capability to be so. 

I’m going to be honest, it pissed me off. Before I knew or gave any thought to the idea that I might not be straight, I knew I wanted to be a dad. However, now that I am out publicly, I would say that I’ve always been gay. I mean, looking back at my past relationships there had to be reasons why I couldn’t keep a girlfriend, why the idea of having a wife didn’t really excite me, right? I could go on for a great amount of time. I didn’t wake up one morning and decide I was into men, you know? That being said, again, I never gave it much thought, simply due to fear. So, was I more fit at that given point in my life to be a father figure--before I knew fully who I was as an individual? 

I knew from a young age that I wanted to work with children. I’m going to school to be an educator, I’ve been in positions where I’m working with kids, whether it be a babysitting job or a summer camp. I find beauty in the way children live their lives, oblivious to serious, adult matters, and the growth that is taking place in their world around them, and they aren’t even cognizant of it. Additionally, as an adult in a child’s life, you have influence on them. They pick up on a mannerisms, and they remember life lessons. You have the opportunity to shape their life in a positive manner, and that is what carries the utmost importance to me.

It’s an interesting concept, personally, for one to claim that any heterosexual relationship is going to be a healthier situation for a growing child. What if I was abusive? What if I was an addict? Now, I am neither of these things, but if I was straight, would those traits be justified and more beneficial for my own child simply because my sexuality wouldn’t pose as a threat to their development?

I was raised on two principles: be kind, and be your most genuine self. I am both thankful and lucky that I have had two great parents, because I am aware that that is not the case for everyone. Keeping these principles in mind, I feel I have learned the lessons necessary to be a fit parent.

Some may argue with me and say that “they don’t need to be around that behavior”. Okay, but why? It’s not okay to expose them to a same-sex marriage early on so that they can be accepting and respectful of every type of couple they may encounter while they develop? Yikes. Imagine acceptance.

Some may also try to fight me by saying “well, they’re going to end up gay, too”. The science backing that claim up... just isn’t there. I mean, both of my parents identify as heterosexual individuals, so that same principle would mean that both my brother and I would identify similarly, by genetic default. Even if it were the case, why would that matter to me? If my child winds up finding interest in someone other than the opposite sex, why would I have an issue with that? Is it more to protect you from having to be around anyone who isn’t heterosexual?

The fact of the matter is that even though LGBTQ+ rights are definitely moving in a positive direction, we still face opportunities for oppression, no matter what the age. It was only five years ago when it was legalized to marry someone of the same sex. Any time past that, it was going against the law. Businesses turn us away, our rights for adoption are threatened, kids are bullied, beaten, killed. For what? Because we like someone different than you, or identify differently? I’m not apologetic for anything except the fact that there are people out there that would prefer to snatch their own heterosexual rights away from anyone who doesn’t identify as just that.

For selfish reasons, I want to teach in an unaccepting school. I want those who bullied me my entire life to see me thrive with a beautiful family. I want to influence the viewpoints of students who believe that they have reason to hate someone that’s different than them. However, as I mentioned, those are selfish reasons. I don’t want to “taint” your children (this word has been used with me before, as if I am somehow turning them into a rabid animal). I want them to just love each other. If you see harm in that, I don’t know what else to tell you other than that you need a hug, and maybe a reality check.

I have wanted nothing when envisioning my adult life than to raise kind, loving, and accepting children. I want them to have the freedom to live their lives being whoever they want. I want them to experience their first day of Kindergarten. I want my parents to be Grandma and Grandpa. They want that. I want to take family pictures. I want them to have a puppy. I want to be not only their parent, but their friend when things get tough. The very thought that there is a population out there that believe my sexuality by default makes me an unfit parent--truly makes my blood boil. I know my parenting method may not fit yours (and what do I know about parenting, I’m eighteen), but the things I want for my potential kids are not anything but reasonable and FIT. It would be unrealistic to say that they’re not going to catch negative comments, nosy questions, or any type of response that’s anything but positive, but along with being raised to be kindhearted, they’re going to be some strong and badass kids, as well. 

Not to hype myself up here, but I know very well that I possess the capability of being a great father. If you believe otherwise about that type of family, my messages are always open, and I would love to have a conversation about it. 

My decision of who I choose to be with has nothing to do with how I choose to raise children, and that is where the greatest importance lies.

[valiancyvulnerability]

Quit Trying to Shape How Others Perceive You

As many of us shift gears a bit and fall back into the schedule of a new school year, by default it opens a door to new social opportunities--new friends, new acquaintances, new clubs and extra-curriculars, the works. The simple act of going to school puts us in a position as students to be social, whether it’s over a Zoom call, or in person. 

Although some may not want to admit it, we all intentionally or unintentionally are going to present a version of ourselves that will create a sense of appeal, whether it be directed towards a specific crowd, or in just a general sense. Even if you were to consider yourself to be an individual that possesses a general candor, or an individual (purposefully or not) that is somewhat contrived, we all are going to put our version-of-choice of ourselves out there for people to make their own judgments of, albeit mostly superficial.

When I use the word “superficial”, I don’t necessarily mean what you choose to wear, what you do with your makeup, or how you do your hair. Superficiality, to me, consists of anything that excludes the deep-rooted personality that you would share unapologetically with your family or close friends. 

I moved into my freshman year of college relatively unsure of how the “friend situation” was going to work out for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am fully capable of talking your ear off. However, in new environmental situations, I am not going to go out of my way to reach out to people in a social sense. This isn’t because I want everyone to think I was a hateful or antisocial person, but simply because I am somewhat shy in new environments, like I had mentioned. I am cognizant of that, though, so I will fully admit to the fact that I choose to dress a certain way so people can form their own opinions about me in that way, and choose to reach out to me on their own accord based off that alone.

A little odd, right?

Last night I was hanging out with some friends in one of the dorms on our floor, and we got to talking about our first impressions of each other, as it was kind of the first time we had had the chance to kind of relax a bit and get comfortable enough with one another. I’m going to be truthful in saying we are all completely different individuals raised with different morals, beliefs, and possess differing interests. As we talked for a few hours, we began to discover that we shared similar personality traits, insecurities, and shared similar general life problems. One of them were outwardly social from the start of move-in, and that struck me as an intimidating trait, though they weren’t an intimidating individual once I got to know them better; in fact, it was the exact opposite. I just knew that was not a trait I myself had, so I made my own judgment and took it as a confidence and power type of trait, which I recognized once vulnerability among all of us with each other became a factor.

There was a common agreement that I had come off as intimidating, and that I had a very aggressive RBF. That was amusing to me, because I don’t consider myself an intimidating person at all. Once I gave it some thought, though, I began to consider the idea that maybe that’s how my brain tells me to present myself. If you’ve read any of my past pieces, you’ll remember that I dealt with a lot of bullying and appearance changes throughout high school. My junior and senior year, when I began to gain a bit more confidence, I do recall underclassmen who didn’t know me on a personal level inform me that when I walk through the hallways I quote, “look like I want to punch someone in the face”. Now, I have no intention of punching anyone in the face. That being said, all of this retraces back to the suggestion that we present ourselves in a way that we want others to perceive us. To be clear, I don’t want to be viewed as a violent individual. HOWEVER, with the time I had spent “powerless” for lack of a better word, dealing with the excessive mistreatment in school, once I had the confidence to do so, perhaps I carried myself in a way that seemed to reverse the roles and put myself in a position of power... simply due to my own insecurities.

This brings me to my next point, which is: 

What IS the point?

Imagine a world where we didn’t worry about superficial matters, a world where image wasn’t a concern, and genuinely no one cared about what others thought of them. The sad thing is, is that that’s unrealistic. You have no choice but to present yourself in a way that you see fit for others to judge. 

Something to consider is that you miss so many opportunities to form relationships with those around you, because they formed a different version of you in their head because of the way you carry yourself. For me, the combination of my wardrobe and the angry expression I wear on my face can make me come off as unfriendly, and I don’t want that. How I choose to dress is a genuine part of me, but I’m not angry, so what is the point of coming off that way?

The truth to take away from this is that we, as people, are going to adjust our image according to our own insecurities. If I can offer any bit of advice (that I need to take, as well), it’s that you, as a human being, no matter what social situation, environment, or school you go to, don’t have to be apologetic about your honest person. Again, think about the friendships you could have formed sooner and the relationships that you missed out on. If you are afraid that your individualism isn’t going to be accepted in your given situation, who cares? The best friends to have are going to be the ones that value you as a person, rather than value you as simply an idea or image. 

Your people are out there, so consider not wasting time focusing on painting a picture of yourself that isn’t undoubtedly genuine, and you will soon find that your relationships are going to be more fulfilling and honest. 

Hope everyone’s school years are off to a great start. Stay safe out there!

#mental health

[valiancyvulnerability]

The Internal Battle of Allowing Yourself to Be Loved When You Don’t Love Yourself

When you recognize yourself as an individual that doesn’t have a fruitful relationship with your own person, the idea of someone loving you fully sounds practically impossible. That being said, if that type of situation comes your way, it’s easy to feel both frustrated and afraid, even if you don’t intend to.

If you don’t feel like you have enough worth to be truly loved by someone else, that doesn’t necessarily mean it is directly related to a relationship sense. Maybe it was bullying for this reason or that, family troubles, general low self-confidence, or maybe it is directly related to a past relationship, whether that be being cheated on, emotional abuse, or a bad breakup.

It’s a truly euphoric feeling when you begin to catch on that there (might! be!) another person out there that truly, truly cares about you. It’s almost a relieving feeling, in a way. It may be a bit of a stretch to say it fills a certain void, but the feeling is identical to the phrase. Because you have spent so much energy into yourself in a negative and toxic way, as soon as an outside source breathes that kind of life into you, it is a foreign, yet beautiful feeling.

However, that word I just used, “foreign”, isn’t always the most pleasant battle to pick a fight with. Coming with that, foreignness brings uncertainty. It brings unfamiliarity. It brings hesitance and skepticism. As soon as things reach a serious point, and you spend time thinking of the relationship as a whole, your own insecurities may cause you to withdraw. The odd thing about it is you may not even want to withdraw at all, but it can almost feel like an obligation or a favor for the other man/woman that you are physically and emotionally removing yourself from the situation altogether because you find yourself constantly telling yourself that “they can do better”, no matter how many times they tell you that it isn’t the case. 

If you are the type of person that doesn’t react well to instances of unfamiliarity and find comfort in the very opposite, it is a possibility that simply out of fear, you let yourself shy away from that kind of attention. This rings especially true if you have found yourself in past relationships that didn’t end well, or were generally toxic for you and your well-being. It’s not what you’re used to, so you wiggle out of there and may even unintentionally land yourself in another relationship that is harmful to your mental health. It truly is a “the one that got away” type of deal, but sometimes it is easier to be unhappy in a relationship and counting down the seconds until it ends, than it is to be in a fit and fulfilling one, and live in fear of losing them.

If you have been in a past relationship that wasn’t too pretty, your own fear caused from that may get in the way as soon as your brain tells you that something is wrong. You may think they’re cheating, you may think they have gotten bored, or you may think they have just gotten flat-out fed up with you, and most of the time, that simply is not. the. case.

When this feeling becomes a big obstacle in a relationship, there is a possibility that it could impact it permanently. It may be too much for the other to handle, they may feel like no matter how much of themselves they put into trying to convince you that you are, in fact, worth it to them, they do not possess the capability of being good enough for you.

If you have found any of this relatable to a situation you might be having, please listen carefully:

You are worth so much more than what your brain tells you. 

It sounds insanely cliche, but it’s the truth! Coming from my own personal experience, I wish I could believe my friends or whoever I am talking to that I actually do mean something, but when you go through hardship that had affected you in a negative way, it’s hard to have the “I’m good enough” mentality, because you have felt like you weren’t for so long.

Now, I know it is easy to say “Just stop worrying about it!”, believe me. Love seems extremely daunting when you feel like all the love that you thought you had was overall poisonous to you long-term. If you sense it becoming an obstacle, like I had mentioned, do NOT feel like a nuisance or that it’s a problem to have a conversation about it. Having that understanding with each other about why you have hesitations can be genuinely helpful in having trust with each other, and that is so important. Having and keeping the trust for someone that your heart is invested into is going to be what could potentially revive and be the foundation of that relationship... Because it shouldn’t be built upon fear, dishonesty, and closed [mental] doors.

There is someone out there that loves you for you, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Don’t settle for less than that. The way all your past relationships were does not dictate how the rest of them will be by default. Know your worth, and keep those close to you that also know your worth. A real connection flourishes when you recognize the beauty in each other and love them for that, and also when you recognize the flaws, and love them harder for those.

#mental health

[valiancyvulnerability]

Body Image and Young People

This is a big topic that has so many layers to it. I have been trying to collect my thoughts the past few days in order to try to cover as much as I could, so I am going to do my best.

I want to begin by going into detail about my battle with my own body over the years, in detail, in order to create a clear image about what goes through someone’s brain that is struggling with severe confidence issues.

I never was a skinny kid, necessarily, but sports were never truly my scene. Throughout my last few years of elementary school and middle school, I was pudgier than most of the kids in my grade, but I was not an unhealthy weight by any means. That being said, as I mentioned, I didn’t play sports, so I was already a target for people that felt superior to me as someone who wasn’t athletic and was “heavier”. This was the stem of my self-confidence issues, but it didn’t get to its worst until I was in high school.

I became accustomed to swimming fully clothed at pool parties, wearing clothes that were oversized in order to cover any lines or bumps that I felt like were flaws on my frame. If that meant wearing sweaters and sweatpants in the summer, then that’s what I needed to do. 

When I turned sixteen, I wanted to change my whole image into someone I wasn’t (see past blog posts) and started working out excessively and cut my eating almost entirely in order to lose weight, and in my head, get people to like me. I got results both physically and socially and ended up losing about twenty-five pounds, so I persisted. I was so focused on how I was viewed by people, that I failed to acknowledge the issue at hand until February of 2020.

My anxiety was at its peak and when Covid-19 hit, I found myself alone and focusing on nothing else but what I was eating, what I looked like, and what number the scale flashed back at me. I substituted all my meals with a powder drink that satisfied me for a few hours, and then I would repeat. I lost about twenty pounds in a month. 

The way this situation is different, though, is that I wasn’t attempting weight loss in order to please others, it was a competition with myself, and it wasn’t a friendly one. I didn’t view it as what it truly was until I started passing out. One afternoon, I got ready to take prom pictures with my friends with a local photographer in my town. I went to go pick up my friends and got out of the car and they started speaking to me, but I could hear nothing--I blacked. I started sweating and couldn’t form my sentences properly. I would get up and walk to my bedroom when I felt it coming, and I would just wipe out completely. I knew it was an issue, but it was not enough to get me to stop what I had already started, because I wanted results. Anytime we would get carry-out or I would eat an actual meal, I would return to my room and tremble, thinking about every bite of food I had just consumed.

Although I am on a more nourishing and healthy track now, it is still a daily occurrence where I want to slap myself across the face for eating breakfast, for going out to dinner with my family, or for having a snack now and then. I have spent many a night, alone, driving around screaming and crying at nothing simply for feeling the way I do. It’s almost an addictive behavior that I didn’t want to acquire, but the truth is that I did, and I am doing my best to overcome the obsession that gets in the way of my everyday routine, and we are getting somewhere.

Enough about me, though. The reason I am writing this in the first place is because I have so much to say as it’s something I know I am still personally dealing with, and I know the majority of people my age are. If we are being honest, we all would change something about our body if we could. Whether it be that we want to lose weight, or gain it, we all have our personal battles. In today’s day and age, though, it’s a more toxic world regarding body image and perception. Here is why.

SOCIAL MEDIA

As of 2019, teenagers often spent up to nine hours on social media on a daily basis. The most toxic platforms for young people struggling with their body, in my opinion, would be Instagram and TikTok. Because most social media apps are programmed to spit out information and content that interests the user, the posts that are viewed are specific to each individual. 

With Instagram, especially, everyone aspires to be an “influencer”. They are skinny, tan, have clear skin, travel, eat power foods, and young people love that. The reality is, is that most of us don’t live perfect lives like that, but we truly wish we did, so we want to get as close as we can.

With this, diet culture is a very popular concept among those wanting to bring a change to their bodies. Although this has been something that has been advertised for years now, mainly for adults, the new wave of diets for adolescents is scary. Most of them are malnourishing and can do more damage than one would think. Often times, though, they are bizarre or unheard of, but seem simple enough for someone who wants fast results. Because of this, once again, it’s easy for both myself and people my age to get reeled in quickly into that idea.

(I don’t want parents reading this to think that this necessarily entails that social media needs to be taken from their teenagers, but it is something to be aware of. Social media is a great way to stay connected (especially now) and gives us a voice to do good and bring change, as well.)

THE SOCIAL FACTOR

Because this is an issue that most of the youth deals with, whether it be minor or major, it can become a competition without intending it to be. If my friends are losing weight, why aren’t I? If they’re doing this diet, then I need to. They feel better about themselves than I do. What am I doing wrong? 

If you find yourself feeling like this too often, and it gets to a point where it gets in the way of your relationships, then it’s a conversation to be had. You shouldn’t have to feel like you are competing with those you hold close to you, but you also shouldn’t feel like you have to walk on eggshells every time you are with them to not say the wrong thing. Find some common ground, and support each other at times of insecurity.

High school can be a terrible atmosphere for someone who feels like their weight isn’t ideal. Teenagers are quick to make mindless comments and insults about people’s appearance. Whether it comes from a place of low self-esteem themselves or not, it doesn’t justify it, and this can be a direct and harsh cause of body image problems.

THE MENTAL FACTOR

If someone struggles with general anxiety, depression, or another mental condition, having your body as an enemy can sometimes heighten the severity of the issue as a whole. It truly goes hand in hand. For me, my anxiety was at its worst when my eating habits were at its worst. I was focused on what I was eating, focused on what the scale read back to me, and in the rare moments I wasn’t fixed on that, it was worrying about other things happening in my life. Everything was just raised to a higher degree.

The two words I have been trying to avoid so far, “eating disorder”, is something that I would love to say is just a false or dramatic phrase, but the reality is is that it’s a demon, and a real one. With the world of social media, again, they’re often glorified to be an artsy aesthetic to be achieved. Eating disorders does not mean “just not eating”. It can be anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, body dysmorphia, and because there are so many forms, it’s not always going to be apparent just looking at a person. Often times it isn’t. That is something to keep in mind, because one of the most damaging things for someone struggling with an ED is making them feel like their issues aren’t valid because it’s not physically obvious to you, or that someone else is worse off in your eyes.

HEALING

The first step that has helped me, personally, is just becoming comfortable. I need to become comfortable with myself in the way I am now for me to appreciate any way my body looks in the future. If I’m unhappy with myself now, when am I ever going to be happy, regardless of the supposed improvements I’m making? It’s been a tricky thing for me to figure out, but I force myself to go to pool parties, I hang out around the house sometimes just wearing underwear, so I can become familiar and comfortable with seeing myself and my body so I can reach a point to where that’s normal. 

The next thing is to follow the steps that you know are going to be beneficial and healthy for you. If that means working out to gain muscle, to lose weight, or dieting, then do it, BUT do it in such a way that is going to be, again, beneficial. Don’t go to the extremes for quicker results, because you will end up falling down a hole that will be hard to climb out of.

Lastly, if you see fit, go to therapy! There’s a large stigma around therapy as it makes people think that those who go are insane or can’t function on their own, which is far from the truth. Think of it as more of a helping hand from someone who has a different view and has solutions that may be overall helpful. Reading this blog is simply just how I see things, and that goes for any post I make. I am not a professional. I am not an expert. I am an eighteen year-old that just wants to share his experiences in order to bring awareness. There are many great therapists out there, and there are several websites you can visit to find one that meets your needs specifically.

I am overjoyed to see that the modeling industry, for example, is heading in a more positive direction as far as inclusivity goes. Plus-size models, LGBTQ+, and people of color are booking shows, spreads, and can be seen on billboards. This is just the start, and the rest lies within everyone as people to stop shaming others for their appearance, because if we didn’t from the beginning, there would be no reason for anyone to feel uncomfortable in their own skin to begin with. Imagine a world free of judgment for a moment. Imagine how differently every single person on the planet would be living. It’s something to think about.

I want to reiterate--don’t be afraid to ask for help! It is a direct demonstration of strength, rather than weakness, to admit that you need an outside source to help you get through whatever battle you may be experiencing.

And as always, be kind to one another and stay safe out there!

[valiancyvulnerability]

What It’s Like Being Gay in a Town Where It Isn’t Accepted

     I made the choice to come out publicly mid-March of 2020, after the COVID-19 pandemic left the majority of Illinois stuck in our homes for the safety of others. I thought this would be a good time for me to make my announcement as it was an opportunity to avoid facing any of my peers after the fact, and I also wanted to do so before I moved into my first year of college.

     If I’m being honest, it was something I had always feared as a child. Being an individual who tries too hard to please everyone and be liked, I knew it was something that wasn’t necessarily the most accepted where I lived. I live in a predominantly white and conservative area, and there is nothing wrong with that, but that is a vital piece of information to know as I explain myself in this piece of writing. I moved to my current town when I was in the first grade, and based off my interests, personality, and mannerisms, everyone immediately made their assumptions about me, so I quickly began to alter and adjust accordingly in order to keep the remarks at bay. Additionally, my mom worked in the school district, so in order to avoid being talked about since I already felt like I was in the public eye, I just wanted to blend in with the crowd as much as I could.

     The lying to myself and to everyone around me didn’t cease until I was already out of high school. The first three words that title this post are “What It’s Like”, so with that being said, I want to share specific experiences I have had growing up that have stuck with me, and are all contributors as to why I waited so long to come out. Being gay in a town where it isn’t accepted is:

Giving a sheet of paper that has “GAY” written in big letters to your Kindergarten teacher, asking what it meant and why a 16 year-old handed it to you on the bus

Being targeted by a group of first grade classmates at recess for being a gymnast, and that it’s a “gay sport for girls”

Being told in an elementary music class, with an unchanged voice, as all elementary schoolers have, that I sing like a girl and that it would make more sense to go sit with them if we sound the same anyways

Being twelve and intentionally coughed on by an eighth grader, followed by the kindest “Move out of my way, faggot”

Hearing boys on the other side of the locker room say they feel uncomfortable that they have to change around me

Being shoved into a gym locker without any clothes on

Hearing an upperclassman say they don’t want the “fat closeted kid” on his team in gym class

Being shown a photo of a skinned deer with a caption “I am going to cut you up”

Singing a solo for a school assembly with the choir and directly facing the front row of boys while they laugh

Being called out in class for “only wanting equal LGBTQ+ rights because I’m too scared to come out of the closet”

Having someone tell you, (”No offense”), “If you want my guy friends to like you, you just need to stop acting gay, because you do a little bit” and that “you dressed like a grandma today”

Being called a bloody tampon because you dyed your hair red

Being laughed at for what you’re wearing by a whole table of underclassman boys that turn around and watch you get a napkin before lunch

Having a group of boys from school make a (very condescending) point to all like a boy’s comment complimenting one of my pictures on social media

And this is the one that will stick with me more than any other one:

Being sent this message on an anonymous social media platform this year-- 

“You’re the biggest f***wad I know. Just come out as gay already because you’ve seen more girls get undressed simply because you’re friends with them. Your tattoo looks cool but that’s about it. You look like an emo girl trying not to cut her wrists”

My mother raised me on kindness. She raised me on lifting others up. She raised me on being there for others. The thing I struggled with the most is that I couldn’t get my mind wrapped around the fact that I tried my hardest to be kind to others, no matter how they treated me, and it felt like I just had disrespect and insults spat back at me. I found myself using the “not everyone is going to like you” phrase often, because there were many times where it felt like, truly, I was disliked by everyone.

My junior year of high school, I fell into an eating disorder, and consequently lost weight and started dressing differently to dodge any negative attention that I had been faced with previously. I started partying. Drinking every weekend. Hanging with people fueled by hate. The result was all I could have asked for. I was liked by my classmates. I was on Homecoming Court. Guys at my school willingly spoke to me. The only issue with all of that though is that there was no genuine part of Carson that was present. It was entirely phony.

Once I found a friend group I felt accepted in my senior year of high school, my world entirely changed. I gradually found myself and became more comfortable with who I was as a person and I no longer felt a need to pretend about anything. I had that sense of security, so I didn’t have to worry about the opinions of people that didn’t have anything to do with me. I knew who I was, and I was still going to be respectful and kind towards those who weren’t to me, because that’s all I can do.

With all that said, there are some things that can be done.

I understand if my way of life doesn’t completely align with your beliefs, and I completely respect that. However, if it doesn’t affect you directly, then there is no point, none at ALL, to make an individual feel lesser than you, feel isolated, or feel like an alien. I have always been Carson, and always will be.

I am not a parent so some may think my opinion is unjustified here, but as children we are taught certain principles and morals that shape the way we treat others. If a child is raised that they need to show kindness to everyone EXCEPT group ABC or group XYZ, then something is wrong there in my eyes. 

My teachers were always great about making everyone feel included and welcome in their classrooms. I do challenge the education system as a whole, though, to not shy away from conflict regarding homophobia. Many times it is brushed off to avoid “ruffling any feathers”, so to speak, but that is not a solution that I can find the least bit of validity in. By sitting back and letting mistreatment happen to avoid “taking a side”, unfortunately, you are doing nothing but taking the side of the oppressor.

As the youth is shifting towards a more vocal and diverse generation, it is important for this to be talked about. Your location on the map should not be a deciding factor in how you are going to be treated, especially if it’s something you live with that can not and will not change. There is so much negativity and mistreatment among children and adolescents that is swept under the rug, and there needs to be some sort of action taken to get the general attitude among the youth (and adults, too, for that matter) moving in a more positive direction.

Be kind to one another. Find common ground within your differences, and learn to respect them. Stay safe and healthy, as always, and I hope everyone is doing well.

And happy Pride Month.

#bullying bekind pridemonth pride gay smalltown highschool socialmedia eatingdisorder depression anxiety

[valiancyvulnerability]

Adolescents and Mental Health

The years during adolescence present many complex problems that are often times very specific to that window of time in their life. Whether it be something as minuscule as schoolwork, school drama, boy or girl problems--These small issues can be the origin of deeper and darker underlying feelings and problems.

That being said, there are many more elements that play a role in what affects a teenager’s mental state than there would have been thirty years ago. Social media, the excessively greater amount of schoolwork, and the many problems globally that directly affect our generation. With this though, many parents may find it difficult to grasp a complete understanding of what could possibly be going through their child’s brain, especially when they don’t fully experience any anxiety, depression, etc. themselves. “What could you possibly be anxious about? Nothing is happening!” or “What could you possibly be depressed about? You are so lucky to have what you have!” These are frequent questions, which seems reasonable to ask from a parent’s point of view, but from the child, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. Here’s why:

For me, I ran into my worst struggles March of 2020. As COVID-19 began to take effect rapidly in our hometown, I found myself isolated (as I should have been--stay safe!). The complete switch in routine slapped me across the face. I coped with my issues my whole childhood by surrounding myself with my friends. As I am a very people-oriented kid that likes to keep himself busy at all times, the Zoom calls, texting, and social media got monotonous and lost its charm very quickly. During my time alone, I began to come to terms with my sexuality, and chose to publicly come out as gay, knowing it would be a good time to do so while I don’t have to be out and about and around my peers for long. Shortly after that, I began to have some eating issues that hit me in full swing. I stopped  eating almost entirely, hated the way my body looked, and began passing out almost every other day. Once I tried to get that under control, my general anxiety took complete ownership of my being for a good month. I would sit in my room and shake, I would drive around and cry in the dark for hours, and I would pull all-nighters obsessively cleaning my room. Although I have these very real problems that took control of me and my life, they stemmed from minuscule things. It stemmed from different experiences I had in high school. I was bullied, I had friends that were demeaning towards me, and I had problems with girls throughout those four years. Each of those things seem small to me now, but they were very powerful at the time, and the traces of those feelings I felt then never truly left, and in fact, just built up to become a monster of sorts.

Now, this is where the role as a parent comes in. I had gotten in a fight with my parents one night about a month ago, and I went to my room and isolated myself from the situation altogether. I could hear them talking about me from my room, and I couldn’t take it. One of my biggest fears in life is disappointing my friends and my family, so it was hard for me to listen to. I went out into our living room and let it go. I yelled until my throat hurt. I spilled everything I had been feeling the past month and it was completely unrelated to the argument, but it came out. Because it was so out of the blue, my parents were quick to question it’s validity and it made me feel like my problems weren’t real because they weren’t real to them since I had done my best to keep it hidden out of their sight.

If you are a parent reading this and you feel or know that your child may be going through a mental instability, you have options as to how to help them.

1. LISTEN

     This is the first thing I can’t stress enough. If your child brings something up to you. Whether they’re upset about something small, whether they are seeking medical help, or if they want to tell you about some serious inner conflicts they are experiencing, you have to listen. Don’t interrupt them. Don’t disregard what they say. Don’t say anything to make their problems seem smaller or less valid. When this happens, it truly feels like there is nobody that can assist them in getting the help they need, because nine times out of ten, there is a reason they are choosing to tell you.

2. BE ATTENTIVE

     The signs of mental illness come in many different forms, and sometimes they aren’t just going to jump out at you for you to see. Sometimes they go through periods of overworking themselves, or doing the exact opposite and have no motivation to do anything at all. Sometimes they don’t sleep at all, or sometimes they don’t STOP sleeping. Pay attention to what they say, or if you notice any signs of substance abuse or self harm. There can be mood swings, sudden emotional outbursts (such as the one I mentioned with my parents), or constant states of feeling panicked or anxious. As I had said, not everything will be apparent or in plain sight, but if you make a point to look for these signs, it may be helpful in having a conversation later on, which brings me to my next point.

3. HAVE THE CONVERSATION

     If your child hasn’t made it a point to talk to you first, but you have noticed some behaviors that worry you, or even if it’s just a conversation you want to have so they know that they are safe to come to you, don’t be afraid to sit them down and talk to them. Mental health, especially in teenagers, has an odd stigma around it, because the majority of us are trained to suppress and forget, when in reality, that is the most toxic and unhealthy behavior to become accustomed to. Make sure that you express to your child that their feelings and emotions matter, and just because they may be battling the negative ones, doesn’t mean they are any weaker than anyone else.

4. DO NOT REFUSE TO HELP

     I cannot stress this enough: if your child comes to you expressing that they want to seek medical help, whether it be put on meds, to see a therapist, or request a change in your home that may be a better healing environment, do not shut it down. By all means, take time to think about it, but do not refuse to help. As teenagers, we can’t just go see a therapist on our own, get our own prescription meds, or change the dynamic of our families. It has to be a group effort, whether parents like the idea of it or not. It seems scary and concerning to go through the motions of getting your child medical help, but that’s exactly what it is: help. The alternative of assisting them is having a child that feels like a hostage within their own mind, and as a parent, I genuinely would hope that you would prefer a happier child that is healing over the opposite.

There are more positive steps you could take as a parent in helping your child, but most of them are specific to the individual situation they may be going through, and that is up to the parents to take those steps on their own. 

One thing I can say to any teenagers that may be reading this, mentally healthy or not, be kind to one another. As cliche as it often sounds, you never know what somebody else is going through. We all come from different walks of life, with differing personalities and different thought processes. Many issues begin from the way we treat each other. This doesn’t mean you have to be walking on eggshells with the people you choose to surround yourself with, but it does mean that as a friend and peer, you need to listen, you need to be attentive, and you need to be there for them. That is what’s important. Wanting to improve your mental health doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you small. It doesn’t make you helpless.

That being said, there is so much more that needs to be done. Conversations about mental health need to be normalized, especially in teenagers. Remove the stigma, be there for those around you, and be kind to one another.

#mentalhealth mentalillness teenagers anxiety depression eatingdisorders parenting