#but I play it off like I'm somehow cool and aloof when in reality I'm alone because I hurt so much around others.

[neverendingford]

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#tag talk #I lie a lot. to other people. to myself. I don't really lie here (usually) because I don't have an image to maintain but like... #I don't always even recognize the lies in telling myself. I retell stories to make myself seem clever and smart #retell interactions to make people take my side in the matter. and it even works on me sometimes. #I've always wanted to be the hardboiled loner. independent and happily isolated from others. #and to an extent I am. it helps when you despise most people you meet. when you find them inane and simple. #but I play it off like I'm somehow cool and aloof when in reality I'm alone because I hurt so much around others. #I have such a hard time identifying with others. I genuinely feel estranged and alien. #it makes me immune to caring about their pain. which can be useful I guess. but that's still not great. #I think part of my desire to be- and questioning of being aroace is in part a desire for independence. #because I have been wildly romantic before. I was head over heals for my first boyfriend (still my best friend). #I wrote them poetry. left love notes around their house. cooked him food and went on dates. and I did enjoy it. felt natural and good. #I just... that happens so rarely. this is the first time in almost ten years that it's happened again. I have the capacity. I have the want. #but I just... I don't click with others. I don't get along with them. I interact with to know them and then I start to loathe them. #I've gotten too many followers here and I go through their blogs and I get an idea of who they are and there's at least five of you I hate. #and I'm getting awfully close to reaching the annoyance threshold because I don't mind you existing but I need it to happen somewhere else. #I don't get paid to exist in the same space as you so we don't even have a functional relationship. #anyway. I dislike being lonely but I constantly feel a visceral disconnect between myself and others and it aches every single day. #adhd meds and hrt are doing huge things to help me be happy with myself. which means I need people less. I can exist alone. #but it doesn't remove the need. doesn't fill the void. it remedies one problem but emphasizes another. #and I'm not used to wanting someone. I want things From people but I don't want Them. except now I do. I want this person. #and I'm so out of my depth because my play is usually to keep distance. engage politely. get the company I need and then retreat. #and I want more than that here. I was about to say “I'm afraid of fucking it up” but I'm not. that's a cliche that my mind auto filled. #I know I won't fuck it up because I understand her and I know my own abilities. but I'm afraid of what this means for me. #will this work loose something in my own mind? Will I become more painfully aware of my own needs? Will loneliness hurt more? #I know I'm moving again in a few years. I'm staying with my brother for the foreseeable future so I know this won't be long term. #so if I can figure this out in the next year or so then maybe I'll be more prepared the next time we settle somewhere. #idk. my mind has been in overdrive processing this for the last three weeks. I feel noticeably more tired because of it. #I'm just so preoccupied with trying to figure out this new part of me that's only shown up once before.

[realcube]

hey hey hey sweetie!!! do you mind if i ask for saiki with a flirty s/o?? like, they're in a "secret relationship" (don't ask me why but it seems fun) and when the two of them are alone y/n is just openly flirting with him and kissing him on the lips because- why not 🤨🤨 i hope i'm not bothering you!!! thank you so much!!!

SAIKI WITH A FLIRTY S/O

tws ♡ gaslighting? but not really 

a/n ♡ asks are never a bother ! tysm for the request :D this was very entertaining to write haha

♡ depending on how “secret” the relationship is and how you treat him in public or at school, saiki will literally return that same energy 

♡ if you’re more open and put on the “good friends with chemistry” act and still hang out with him and his little group of friends, then he’ll treat you like he treats his friends 

♡ which isn’t the best, granted, but he cares deep down! 😅

♡ plus, it’s better than what were to happen if you act as though he doesn’t exist 

♡ not only will he be the slightest bit offended, but he’ll also be annoyed because he’ll need to continue making everything in your life perfect, while acting as though he doesn’t even know your name !

♡ and yes, he’s aware that using his powers from afar to make everything in your life unrealistically perfect is probably morally incorrect somehow, but he doesn’t have any time to think about it critically as he’s too busy trying to use his telekinesis to make two milk cartons fall out the vending machine, instead of one

♡ and if you even try to text him about his antics 

♡ ‘saiki !!! stop using your powers for me !!!’

♡ he will use his most powerful psychic ability: gaslighting (girlbossing and gatekeeping)

♡ ‘what are you talking about?’

♡ ‘you using your telekinesis to give me more milk from the vending machine!!!’ 

♡ ‘that wasn’t me’

♡ ‘then who was it, kusuo?’

♡ ‘the milk gods?? maybe you’re the chosen one. anyway, stop messaging me, stranger.’

♡ he’s infuriating, to say the least 

♡ he’s lucky you’re even nice to him in private lol

♡ but after a long day of getting on each others nerves, you can come over to his house, bake some sweet treats, watch some TV, play some video games and simply love each other, as couples do 

♡ and to make up for how distant you are during the day, sometimes, you are extra affectionate during these private, intimate moments !!

♡ you even flirt with him as if y’all aren’t already dating which both confuses and flusters him every single time 

♡ he always tries to give sarcastic and nonchalant responses to your advances to seem ‘cool’ but in reality you can tell he’s losing his mind beneath the surface 

♡ but you allow him to revel in the fantasy that he is coming off as aloof and mysterious instead of just ... hypnotised and awkward 

♡ though it does make you feel quite powerful 

♡ with a single kiss on the cheek, you are able to stun the guy that can make the entire world implode with a single sneeze 

♡ and every time you express affection, you manage to pull a different reaction from him depending on his mood 

♡ but never once has he pulled the annoyed face ! he actually retired that after you told him it was “inappropriate” and “rude” to make the annoyed face while nendou is trying to tell him about his terrifying and life-threatening encounter with freddy fazbear in the shower 

♡ most of the time, his reaction is just a bright red blush but an expression like 😐

♡ and when he receives affection from you (and you exclusively), a remarkable phenomenon occurs in which his internal dialogue stops spitting sarcastic remarks for five whole second 

♡ scientists detected an absence of cosmological redshift in the five days proceeding 

♡ coincidence , i think not !!!

♡ but anyway, that is probably the least dramatic thing that has happened after you’ve been intimate with him 

♡ after your first kiss, he accidentally magnified a wormhole 

♡ he had to go back in time to fix it so actually the “first kiss” with saiki that you remember is entirely different to what he remembers and your first kiss with him is his second first kiss with you 

♡ so there are definitely downfalls to dating a psychic 

♡ but he’s accepted that he needs to learn how to control his powers better and stop having such volatile reactions to your affection but it is certainly not going to stop anytime soon

#saiki x you #kusuo saiki x reader #saiki kusuo #kusou saiki x reader #saiki k #i've forgotten how to tag #kusuo x reader