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#but i think i was the w-h-auden_morelovingone.txt by a mile. i was a weird obsessed stage 10 clinger.
solarisposting
·
3 months
Text
screaming myself hoarse til I pass out we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts!!!
#not about j we're good - about the friend who i haven't shut up about in the 14 years i've been on the hellsite
#the fun part is that i know his forever career and his forever whereabouts and it will break my heart into shards for the rest of my life!
#and goddamnit we weren't romantically together but instead together as part of a weirdly codependent friend group of four and we were
#near identically weird and fucked up emotionally and in our humor and how we spoke and how we meshed and i will NEVER fucking get over it!!
#i'm still agog that i sent you a last chance hail mary sort of letter like the lyrics in this song about how i think about you often and
#have always believed in you and been rooting for you like all the rest of us who knew you before things got really bad because you were and
#are such a fucking incredible person and musician and friend and so smart and creative and LOVABLE! i said that in the letter without
#realizing alanis said that in one of THE best lost love songs of all goddamn time!
#i wish i could tell you one more time - right now today immediately or better yet five years ago - how i have always loved and admired you
#and everything about you. even now. all the way out here in iowa i am still loving you with everything i have in me every single day
#knowing i will never speak to or see you again [i think about you all the time but i don't need the same] and i finally started to admit
#that to myself and my friends and my therapist in 2021 and i'm more at peace with it than i ever was or thought i could be in 2019 and 2020
#but i know it's gonna take my whole lifetime to get a grip on it and accept it. and it'll stop hurting one of these days. i know it will
#i don't think i've ever loved a friend as much as I loved you. i think you were the best friend i've ever had
#and that's one of the nastiest parts of it - we were good friends and you did seem to like me plenty
#but i think i was the w-h-auden_morelovingone.txt by a mile. i was a weird obsessed stage 10 clinger.
#and that's surely a large part of the dwelling and the fixation. if things had been more equal then maybe it'd be very different now.
#guess i'll die because i sure ain't finding out!!
#HELLO LOVES HAVE SOME RICH NUTRITIOUS ANNIE LORE ON THIS FINE FREEZING COLD SUNDAY AFTERNOON!
#ann with an ie
#<- this was a nightmare to type out and feel but i wanna keep it around for whenever i get the balls to talk about it in therapy again
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