#but no let me just go get YOUR meds cause you cant be piss bothered to leave the house yourself

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

parents when you have a life outside of doing chores for them and picking up their mess

#like wow so sorry that im working and classes just started #but no let me just go get YOUR meds cause you cant be piss bothered to leave the house yourself #i dont give a shit that your sick #you never care when i am and make me do shit anyway #i already clean up after you and im the only reason this house isnt a fucking disaster #on top of doing my own shit like working when im scheduled unlike you #and opening week of school means im trying to get in a new flow of things #but heaven for fucking bid that i dont wanna do a chore for you #why are YOU allowed to be depressed and stay in your room sick and out of work for legit 2 weeks at a time #but IM not allowed to take a day off when i tried to kill myself the night before #why do i have to be the strong one and keep going into work and keep up with classes on top of cleaning your mess #and why do you get mad when im in a pissy mood or cant do things for you when Im busy too #so fucking sorry that i have a life outside of you and want time to myself as well #go fuck yourself youre never going to know where i live when i move out and im never helping you clean your house again #calling me selfish because i dont wanna do something for you when im dealing with other shit #then fuck you i am going to be selfish you dont deserve my help if you dont care i have things to do outside of taking care of a pill junky #despite what you think i have empathy i just dont have empathy for you b/c you dont care about me outside of me being your child #the only reason you had me was to be your little servant anyway so fuck off im not doing that anymore

[sanpedro21]

Bad day

8/2/21 @ 9.55

 So pissed off man. Went to 2 cermonies ; microdosing ish with shrooms – and still more sad; lonely then ever before. I feel so frustrated and alone. I hate everything. Nothing brings me joy except being on the laylow in the pool ; listening to music – but that is because then I just think of the past.

 I have no hope – no way out. Still in this job ; still don’t have enough money; still fat – cant shift it; still no dating; still still still fucking still. So fed up. I need people; I need experience man. This is so frustrating. Everyone has something. I have fuck all – no one . Nothing. No budging of the fucking weight. No salary increase; bonus . Shrooms are getting me no where. And do I really want to be around these idiots that are at the ceremony – losers man.  Steph is sweet ; so is Calvin – but rest just cant even see what they doing. Do they see me like that. Some fucking saddo mid life fattie that is diving into this fucked up world.

I need people around me – I want my fucking people. Why do I have to fucking compromise. Nadine / Lauren / Brig – do they . No they have their usuals around them  ; at their home and spend time with the men they love. I fucking sit alone without fucking friends; family; a man – in a fucknig boring job that’s in a fucking dark no window fucking room doing fuck all all day trying to justivy my fucking self amongst fucking idiots that cant see straight. Im so angry today. Not just today for so long. Trying to write it out of me because honestly I just don’t know what to do to end this . I cant live like this any more. There is nothing in me to fight with

Cant go to doctors – they useless. Just meds and vists all to get more money out of me. Drugs / drink doesn’t work. Plant medicine – well the jury is out on that fucking one. Fed up man. Just fed up 

Going to try to create a timeline of my life – type it all out. Will have to be from my own computer stored away so no one here can read it. Cant trust anyone or anything. There is no one that actually cares enough about me to look out for me. Its super annoying . I am totally fed up. Everyone wants something from you. At work I have it all to give , but no one wants to listen. So then whats the point of me. Whats the fing point of me man

Just made this restricted permission. Lets see

I guess I better do a timeline of my life. See if I get it out it will help. A real timeline  - warts and all. But from home. Its too fragile here

 So fed up

 12.59

Think a lot of the issues is also around feeling useless at work. Hours and hours of non challenging boredom. And sadly when I am challenged of late – its so frustrating because whats best isn’t landing. 

I don’t mind hard work. I mind being left to rot hour after hour; day after day – and then on a Saturday too for no reason. The weekends when I could be doing some that’s good for the soul and resting – Im spending in a locked room being bored. And I could find stuff to occupy me that will bring the future of this business together, but it just lands on daf ears or is half heard. So I don’t bother – cause there isnothing like putting your heart into something only for it to be ignored

 Watching : Moving Art – Flowers

What is it about flowers that I absolutely love. Flowers and books – always been a dream but how and with what? Cant even think of making paper flowers any more. And it wont bring me the money I need to survive – long term for another 40 years.            

 4.11

Nearly home time. Had Moving Art on is really soothing. Bring nature in here if I cant be out there. Also kept busy doing the journey – if anything for me and Hilton to be on the same page.  

 Also committed to not constantly needing to be on PP all the time. Its like an addiction – need to get off it.

 Worried about the pain in my boob. Cant feel a lump with my hand – but can with a bottle. Weird..