#can we talk about how bail invented teleportation

[dustmetal]

Fic: Beerios

In which a few things are resolved, a few things aren’t and some stuff changes…. Also in which Undyne is not an Inventor or a foodie.

(Please note in the grand tradition of DustMetal AU fics written by me - yes, have had Beerioes, No you never want to; they are that vile, Undyne’s probably right that they do taste like Sans’ slippers do.)

“Owww god.” Undyne groaned miserably from her spot face down in the pile carpet, where she’d passed out just shy of her bed. “How…much did I drink?”

She wasn’t expecting a response but Papyrus who was somewhat less miserable piped up from his own marginally better position, draped over the corner of the bed with his knees on the floor. He was slightly muffled by a mouthful of comforter.

“Do you remember that ‘monster’ movie I reviewed?”

“The one that ate Manhattan or the one that ate Tokyo?”

“Manhattan. Um. And replace ‘ate’ with ‘drank all the liquor in’.”

“Shit.”

“Language.”

“Okay, but how and why are you hung over?” It was a fair point. Papyrus wasn’t a teetotaler but he wasn’t exactly known for his crazy nights out and epic hangovers.

Papyrus raised his head up in a show of pride. “I HAVE TAKEN ONE FOR MY CAPTAIN.”

A hazy memory flitted briefly over Undyne’s mind…something about challenging a Skeleton to a drinking contest. “…and then stabbed me in the back. Or the head. How is your own voice not killing you?”

“PERHAPS BECAUSE IT IS MY VOICE?” Papyrus scratched his head, failing spectacularly to take the hint. “BUT WILL YOU BE OKAY FOR THE CONCERT TONIGHT?”

Undyne knew the answer to that was a resounding ‘NO’ but they were playing to a sold out venue and people would be pissed if they cancelled. Grillby had given them an epic lecture that their behaviour would be under scrutiny, especially with the MTT information having come to light. The funny thing was that he’d been the one to get up in the robot’s face and she seemed to be one of the few who didn’t feel it wasn’t a bit hypocritical.

She was SO mature.

She would also have to get creative.

Steeling herself, Undyne staggered upright, fighting a wave of nausea and pain that came with the action.

“I need food….and a shower…Fibre and um….vitamins….and well, we all know what’s the best cure for drinking too much: DRINKING…”

“UNDYNE THAT SOUNDS FA–”

“…MORE BOOZE….ow.”

Undyne marched to the kitchenette and hauled out a few things. Cereal took little effort, and hey it was a source of seven essential grains and nutrients.

“I DID NOT PICK UP ANY MILK YOU KNOW…I THINK THERE IS SOME IN THE VENDING MACHINE.”

Papyrus looked up at the tell-tale pop of a bottle opener being used. Undyne was standing over her bowl of cereal, pouring the contents of the bottle over it. The drink foamed up over the side of the bowl but didn’t splash onto the counter

“I ASSUME YOU ARE BEING CREATIVE.” Papyrus watched this with interest.

She pointed to the bowl, with a certain hint of pride at her own cleverness. “BEERIOS!”

“BRILLIANT!”

It smelled like sheer death, but Undyne was not one to allow grossness to deter her. She took a spoonful.

“WHAT IS IT LIKE?” Papyrus wanted to know.

“Like your brother’s slippers.”

“THAT BAD?”

Undyne shovelled in another bite. “YES!” she grit her teeth. “BUILDS. CHARACTER.”

She put the unfinished bowl on the counter. It was certainly because the shaking and questionable fuzziness in her head was  less ‘fall down twitching’ and starting to cusp on the edge of ‘can do anything’ and not because she had invented the world’s most disgusting thing ever.

“SHOWER!” She’d deal with the unimaginable hell while she didn’t have obligations.

Papyrus got up himself as the door slammed behind her, took one very curious bite and laid the spoon down in a hurry, deciding that he would very much like to go and have the hottest food the hotel restaurant could provide as he was convinced that might be the only available option of burning the taste out of his mouth.

***

“Papyrus?”

Upon receiving no reply, Sans teleported into the room. There was a rush of water from the bathroom, so someone was there in the shower.

Papyrus’ guitar was on its stand, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything. He would have to sit around and find out which one of them it was if he wanted to talk to his brother. It wasn’t that important; Grillby had gotten all sullen again and sullen Grillby was no fun so he’d bailed…and promptly gotten bored.

He prowled around the hotel room; between Undyne and Papyrus, both were reasonably tidy so nothing of interest was on the floor. Pay-per-view porn lost its lustre when there was any chance of catching a live show (and that seemed more plausible as of late)

He wandered into the kitchenette, spotting the bowl on the counter. This was definitely his brother’s work.

He picked it up with a slight scowl. He didn’t get upset with Papyrus for much but his eating habits always made him a little mad. Papyrus ate everything and didn’t even think to test it for any kind of poison or tampering and he didn’t finish things. Not even cereal. How long had they been destitute? Sure he’d given most of what he had to Papyrus but Papyrus wasn’t STUPID. He’d long defended that point…

He sniffed it to see if the milk was off and swiftly realized that …was not milk.

What the hell was on this cereal?

If he didn’t know any better it was…

…UTTER GENIUS.

His rictus smile couldn’t have gotten any bigger. Grillby was still stewing over the whole awards business and had been coping in a fashion Sans couldn’t argue with as it provided him with a near constant licence to get anything he wanted.

He could make the stuffy food snob of a fire elemental make him…beer cereal. This was going to be so much fun.

***

Undyne came out of the bathroom, towelling off her hair and feeling a bit bleary but holding it together much better than she had been.

She wasn’t particularly pleased to see Sans there; their relationship had been under some strain since the issue with Alphys and the awards show. .

It wasn’t easy being best friends with Papyrus whom she loved and also manage to quell her annoyance  at his brother who had the annoying habit of teleporting around with little regard for a locked door at the best of times. .

In addition, Sans was absolutely not (probably) aromantic or asexual. and she was wearing a towel.

Sans was however, grinning without strain at her as he dropped the spoon in the now empty bowl with a clink.

“Awesome.”

“I know!” Undyne pumped her fist, grudgingly at least a little impressed that the Skeleton was not having the same close-to-vomiting-issue the other two had.

“Seen my brother?”

“Last I heard he was going down stairs…”

Sans slipped away after that, perhaps also unwilling to push his luck.

That had been a shockingly better than civil interaction between the two for the first time in awhile, and without Papyrus there as an intermediary to boot.

She dressed herself and grabbed a cereal-free beer from the fridge and decided to spend the rest of her recuperation time to use Papyrus’ conspicuous absence to order violence porn (or otherwise known as the most explosion, sword-fightey, blood and guts-driven movie that the hotel’s pay-per-view had to offer).

***

Sans meanwhile had decided to avoid ‘practicing’ with Papyrus and teleported himself upstairs to bother Grillby. And maybe catch him watching a youtube posting of him flipping out - which honestly HADN’T been THAT unprofessional. Stars he would have loved it if he’d actually smacked MTT one.

Shockingly, the room was empty. There was a roomservice plate by the door, completely untouched but warm as if it had been only just left.

Something was…odd. Odd enough that he’d eat the thing AFTER he found out what was going on.

He stepped off the elevator and almost ran into the very person he was looking for, waiting for the elevator to go up.

He started to say as much, suddenly shoving the fire elemental out of the way when he spotted even weirder was going on on across the lobby.

Papyrus was holding the door for a giggling human woman. The giggling, the door holding and the relative human conventional attractiveness of the girl were none too surprising.

It was clear however even from this distance that Papyrus wasn’t just being 'gallant’ as he might put it. He was having a conversation with this woman…and…was he sweating?

His gaze followed them as Papyrus tugged her out the door and down the street out of sight.

Grillby had seen it too, and here he stood uncaring if not accepting next to him while his brother had just ran away with a groupie on the afternoon before a big concert.

Sans did not like the unexpected.

…To be continued in Alpha Charlie Echo.

#dustmetal au #sans #papyrus #undyne #tw: alcohol #tw: overuse of alcohol #tw: mentions of vomit #tw: really really gross misuse of food #frankpanioncube writes