#cause Eddie STILL hasn't faced the fact that he kissed STEVE

[skepsiss]

Tooth and Nail - pt3 - Steddie

Part 3/? of this fic request! The concept is Steve being the first to come out as queer and Eddie subsequently being extremely confused and questioning his sexuality because of that. In the previous parts, Eddie messed up majorly (miscommunication and idiot boy behaviour), and in the 2nd part, he had a proper breakdown over his identity with Wayne there to support him. Reading the first 2 parts will make this part more impactful.

Summary: Eddie attempts to talk to Steve about everything that has happened.

14A ish rating. TW: Lots of swearing, minor internal homophobia (he is getting better with each post), mention of discrimination / real-life danger to queer folks, mention of death (canon character death S4), mention of injury (canon Steve S3 injuries), general tension, and anxiety.

PT1 PT2 PT3 PT4

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Eddie hardly left his room in the proceeding days. He had skipped band practice which had the guys beating down his door asking if he had died. He had refused to come out and eventually Wayne had turned them away politely. 

Eddie wasn’t in the mood to talk to anybody; he'd found it difficult enough to sit alone with his thoughts let alone try and communicate what was going on in his head. It felt like all his thoughts were tangled together like a nest of cables, which would make his brain some kind of broken amp or something equally as loud. It was hard to tame it and eventually, Eddie had resigned himself to confronting Steve about the whole matter. 

Uncle Wayne’s advice had been to communicate how confused he was, but that had felt like a cop-out; he had wanted to puzzle it out himself, but there didn’t seem to be a better option. Building the courage to go to Steve’s was another matter altogether though. 

A part of Eddie wished it was miserable out; that it had been raining or dreary, foggy, or something equally as moody, but it was late summer and the weather was mild. It didn’t fit his mood and it made Eddie linger on the streets around Steve’s block. He had planned that in part so he could make sure Steve was alone, but genuinely he couldn’t really tell if Steve was there or not. It stressed him out and something told him that if Steve’s mother answered the door Eddie was going to spontaneously shunt through the earth from shame. 

It took a while, but as Eddie raised his hand to try knocking again he heard the handle on the door click. 

It took 4 cigarettes and a muttered pep-talk for Eddie to finally muster the courage to walk up the too-long path to the Harrington household. He had only been here sparingly before now and never while Steve’s parents were in town. He felt like a hooligan just stepping onto their driveway and he had no clue how Steve could even sleep in this place. It was like a photo out of a magazine: sterile and prime with no room for mistakes. None of that mattered right now, but it didn’t help Eddie’s mood at all either.

Nervously Eddie rapped on the front door and waited. He shifted uncomfortably and stuffed his hands in his pockets while looking over his shoulder as if he was committing some kind of crime by just being here. It felt like he was performing some kind of sting operation; like the police had him wired and he had to risk his life walking into a den of thieves to nark on them.

He watched Steve pull the door open and was only able to register his look of surprise before the door was shut in his face again.

“Steve, hey, uh–!” Eddie tried, moving forward to bang his hand on the door slightly, his tone desperate.

“Steve! Come on, man, I just want to talk,” Eddie explained, trying to see through the frosted glass into the front entrance.

“Go home, Eddie,” Steve said sternly from the other side of the door, “I don’t want an apology.”

Eddie sucked in a breath and closed his eyes, feeling defeated as he stood there pressed up against the wood. So, Steve wouldn’t even hear him out, huh? He had really fucked up–he knew it too, but a part of him had hoped that Steve would at least entertain him. Why would he though? Eddie hadn’t done anything to deserve forgiveness.

Eddie thunked his forehead against the door softly, lingering as he felt his throat tighten and his fingers fist against the wood. Quietly he sank down onto the ground before shifting so his back was against the door. After building himself up–after bawling his eyes out to Wayne and then half a dozen other times alone in his room–he wasn’t even going to get a chance to say his peace. He supposed Steve didn’t owe him that–didn’t owe him anything, actually, but it still sucked. 

He still didn’t hear anything on the other side of the door, so Eddie sucked in a shuttered breath and continued, hoping that at the very least he could relieve some of his own emotions here and now rather than holed up in his room again. 

Eddie tucked in on himself and closed his eyes as a bubble of deficiency rose in his chest. If this was it, then this was it and he couldn’t fuck it up any more than he already had, right? If he never spoke to Steve again he wanted to at least think he had tried.

“Steve?” Eddie asked, tipping his head back against the door again and trying to listen for any signs of movement on the other side. He couldn’t hear anything and he had no idea if Steve was even there, but he hoped he was.

“If you’re there, just listen, okay? You don’t have to say anything… you don’t have to forgive me or anything like that, but I just–I hope you can at least hear this. I know that… I know that you don’t want me to say sorry, so I won’t, or I’ll try not to, but I just… Jesus Christ, I didn’t plan this at all. I mean, I did, I came here, but I didn’t… I couldn’t figure out what to say. I don’t know what to say. I guess that’s what I came here to say, I just… don’t know. Fuck, man, that… if I could take it back I would, and I mean what I said not… what I did. It… it’s–fuck, man. Shit, this is hard–I don’t want… I just… twenty years I’ve been blissfully ignorant of being attracted to anyone but girls and now it just–I don’t know, man. I haven’t figured it out. I’m trying to figure it out, it’s just fucking… hard,” Eddie choked, his throat feeling as if it was going to close the more he tried to explain himself. Saying it all out loud felt terrible, and it sounded just as jumbled as his thoughts were, but at least his words were genuine.

“This is so messed up. It sucks what I said to you and it sucks that I felt like I had to say it, and it sucks that every fucking person in the world is shitty towards queer people. I don’t… I just, it’s fucking scary, you know? I just–it always felt like I could be… that I could use the fact that I’m this one ‘socially acceptable thing’ to be just, I don’t know, some kind of shield or something. I don’t want Will or Robin or you–or anyone having to deal with all that crap from fundamentalist yahoos thinking that being gay or whatever is a sin, or a mental disease or sick or whatever nonsense they're spouting. It just… it felt like I could… that I was able to do something about it. Like, help, or something. Make it more… accepted or normal or whatever–and not boring normal, just… real normal. Like… we’re all just people who cares what we do with our mortal coils, you know? But I’m a fucking hypocrite. I can’t… I don’t care that you’re ga–bisexual, I don’t care–well, I do care, but I don’t care that way. I care in the... because it’s you way, not in the it doesn’t matter way. I… fuck, man. I’d do anything to make sure Will didn’t have to worry about–fucking walking home from school or something, or Robin not being able to be in band or whatever shitty, stupid thing people could have a problem with. It’s the same with Mike or Dustin, or… any of my freaks, hell, I’ve thrown more than a few punches in my day, I know what getting into fights looks like, I know how to talk the game to make sure some twerp can run home in time–I, I’ve–I’ve always been doing it. It doesn’t matter to me why you’re a dork, or a nerd, or a freak, or whatever. We’re just different and it’s fucking stupid that people are scared of us because we’re different. It’s stupid. But I just… I never thought… I didn’t think I was…” Eddie couldn’t say the words as he sat sniffling on Steve’s stoop, pressed up against the doorframe with no idea whether or not he was being heard. Everything felt so heavy and it felt impossible for Steve to understand or care about anything he had to say. God, but he hoped….

“That’s why I’m a hypocrite,” Eddie laughed, the sound wet and bitter, “I’d do anything, and then I’m scared out of my mind to… acknowledge myself in all this. It shouldn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, but when it’s me? God, it’s pathetic. Like I’m some sort of exception to the rule or something. I hate it. I hate that my brain or my ego or whatever can’t just–accept it! I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore, I don’t know. I just… Wayne told me to come here and just tell you honestly that I don’t know. That… I guess I’m trying to figure it out, and that I’m a shitbag for doing and saying that crap to you and that… I’m fucking scared.”

Eddie went quiet as he finished speaking and looked up at the sky as a hint of red started to touch the horizon. It looked too bright and too cheerful for the way he felt, and it sucked having to sit there in silence after saying all of that. That was the thing though, wasn’t it? He didn’t come here to be forgiven–as much as he wanted it–he had come here to be honest. He didn’t know, and he didn’t know if or when he’d figure it out, but it sucked that he and Steve were having a fallout because of his ignorance. This was all just consequences for his own actions though, and he was going to have to live with that. 

No noises roused from the other side of the door and as the sky changed from reds to pinks and yellows Eddie eventually got up. He’d take the long way home and walk off the lingering feelings still squeezing around his heart. This wasn’t how he had wanted things to go, but what was he expecting?

Eddie stuffed his hands into his back pockets and loitered for a short time before stealing one last look over his shoulder at the door to Steve’s house.

“I’m going,” Eddie said as if he was speaking to someone, “I know I said I wouldn’t say it, but I am sorry.”

Eddie twisted his lips together and swiped at his cheeks to make sure there were no obvious signs of tears and then slumped his way to the curb. He didn’t look back at the house despite wanting to, despite hoping Steve was still standing on the other side of that door. The truth was he wasn’t sure if he could handle it if he looked back and there was no one there. If he watched as the sun set over an indifferent house in a posh neighbourhood he didn’t belong in. If he was forced to admit that the chapter of his life that had Steve Harrington in it was over and done with and he’d never get a chance to speak to him again…. He wasn’t sure what he would do if that was all true, and he didn’t want to tempt fate by thinking about it. If he looked, it was over, if he kept going maybe–just maybe–he could convince himself this was a pause instead of an end.

Eddie had walked around Hawkins until well after dark. He had lounged and loitered on the fringes of town and ghosted his way through back streets and quiet residential neighbourhoods until he finished his pack of smokes. It hadn’t been full when he started his walk, but it was still more than he should be smoking–a few members of the party had been nagging him to cut back recently and he supposed they had a point. It was hard though and the last few weeks hadn’t been kind to him. 

– - -

With nothing keeping him out and a mind still heavy with emotions Eddie made his way back to the trailer park with his head down and his hands stuffed under his armpits. It was starting to get chilly late at night with summer ending, but it was still too warm out to wear a jacket during the day–and Eddie was not one to think ahead to bring a coat along with him. It didn’t matter, he wasn’t going to get frostbite or anything, it just made his walk more miserable as he eventually walked into the dirty yellow light of Hawkins’ Trailer Park.

Eddie didn't look up as he pushed the flyscreen to the trailer open, keeping his concentration on his shoes as he made his way to his bedroom.

“Eddie,” Wayne said clearly and Eddie waved his hand over his shoulder, still lost in thought.

“Eddie,” Wayne repeated a bit firmer; Eddie sighed before shuffling and turning to face his uncle. He appreciated Wayne more than anyone else in the world, but he didn’t have it in him to have a conversation right now–

Did this mean that Steve had heard what he had to say? Or had he shown up on his own? Or was it that he had just heard Eddie when he first knocked and then his whole speech was lost to time?

Eddie blinked hard as he focused on what was before him–who was before him. Steve was seated on the edge of the couch, his hands clasped between his knees and his elbows resting on his thighs as he hunched forward. He was looking at Eddie who was stunned, his gaze slowly shifting towards his uncle standing in the kitchen with a coffee mug in his hands. Wayne looked bothered, or concerned perhaps, but there was a gentleness to him that suggested he was wishing for the best.

“Someone here to see you,” Wayne offered quietly before walking over to Steve’s side and placing the mug down on the TV dinner table. He walked away without saying anything else and Eddie stood rooted to the spot, not sure what to say.

The quiet of the trailer drew out between them; Steve had long since looked away and was staring across the room with an unreadable expression. He was sipping the coffee slightly and looked almost like a troubled father waiting for bad news. Eddie was just standing there. It felt like if he moved the whole scene was going to fall apart and he’d stick his foot in his mouth. Make things worse, again. 

Eddie could feel his palms sweating as he thought about having to repeat himself and dredge up those emotions again. It had taken 7 cigarettes and a 2 hour walk to settle him the first time, what would it take this time? Mercifully, Steve spoke up finally and Eddie sucked in a breath to try and settle his nerves.

“Took you a long time to get back,” Steve commented and Eddie swallowed all the subtext that sentence could imply.

“Uh, I just wanted to… clear my mind. Were you waiting long?” He asked, feeling like some kind of damsel in a prime-time soap opera or something. Were you waiting long: that sounded so dramatic and wistful. 

It was quiet for some time until they reached the edge of the trailer park and Steve led them onto the road. This stretch was well-lit, but it still made Eddie feel uneasy with the history attached to the space. He had to swallow that worry every time his feet hit the concrete here as he willfully pushed any thoughts of Fred out of his mind. 

Steve didn’t seem to like that line of questioning and he pinched his lips together which made Eddie waver. Had he pressed too hard already? Maybe he was making Steve regret waiting.

“Not too long,” Steve replied off-handedly as he put the mug down and stood up from the couch.

Enough time for Wayne to make coffee, Eddie thought with annoyance, kicking himself for not coming home right away. He watched as Steve turned properly to face him, the distance between them still feeling like leagues as Eddie stood between the kitchen and the bathroom and Steve stood near the front door.

“Let’s…” Steve started and then jammed his thumb towards the door before starting to move in that direction. He seemed awkward for the first time since Eddie had gotten home and Eddie felt that calm his own nerves slightly. It wasn’t anger so that was at least a small step forward.

“Sure, yeah,” Eddie replied quietly, waiting for Steve to step outside before following him. He caught up to Steve and glanced as they walked passed his car. He had been so distracted coming in he hadn’t even noticed the obviously out-of-place BMW parked by his trailer. They didn’t get into the car though, so Eddie stuffed his hands back in his pockets as they started walking. 

“So–”

“Did you–” Eddie started, only to stumble over his words as Steve started to talk at the same time. “Sorry, you go–”

“No, it’s alright,” Steve insisted, his tone a bit emotionless despite not being harsh.

Eddie pressed his lips together and floundered again before looking at his feet. He choked on his own words for a moment, his mouth hanging open as he tried to conjure the ability to talk.

“You… I was–earlier, I came by,” Eddie fumbled, rolling his hands in circles in front of himself while wiggling his fingers as if that would help organize his thoughts, “when I… were you there?”

His line of questioning didn’t quite make sense and Eddie sniffed to cover up his awkwardness before plowing on.

“It doesn’t matter– it’s, uh, I don’t blame you for slamming the door in my face. It, I mean, I probably would have done worse if I were you. That is, I mean, not–it’s not about me, I don’t mean it that way,” Eddie rambled, caught in something of a loop as he tried to apologize without apologizing and get on the same footing as Steve. He seemed so calm, it wasn’t fair, Eddie felt like an idiot and a jackass and he didn’t know what more he could say. He probably had to start from the beginning, and that felt daunting at best.

“I came by earlier 'cause I wanted to… I needed to, uh–”

“Eddie,” Steve spoke up finally which shut Eddie up instantly, his attention still on his own feet, “I heard you… earlier. I heard what you said before you left.”

Eddie sucked in a breath, not sure if he was feeling relief or overwhelmed as Steve’s words crashed over him. It felt like an invasion of privacy or something. Like there was a mistake and he should be ashamed or angry, but at the same time, he had said all of that because he wanted Steve to hear him. Regardless, Eddie stopped walking and stood with his nose pointed towards the ground, his emotions too big to hold in. He couldn’t move and stop himself from crying at the same time. He needed everything to stop. He needed a break or something from the onslaught–how was he supposed to remain calm when it felt like the rug was constantly being pulled out from under his feet?

Steve didn’t stop walking right away, but after moving a few paces he turned and looked at Eddie, staying quiet for the moment. It didn’t help and Eddie fisted his hands by his side as he felt tears run down his nose. He hoped his hair was long enough and it was dark enough here that Steve couldn’t see him.

“I’m really fucking sorry,” he hissed, trying to hold his emotions in and speak through gritted teeth. “I don’t know what to do, man. I just… tell me what to do to fix it. I don’t know what to do.”

Images of Steve sitting on the other side of his door while Eddie himself moped and lamented about life filtered into Eddie’s mind. How unfair it was to sit there and pour his heart out when Steve hadn’t asked for it; how he had come to his front door and refused to leave, trapping Steve in his own home practically. But the image of Steve sitting in his bone-white house with his back to the door and Eddie mirroring him still felt impossibly heartwrenching. Eddie couldn’t figure out if it was breaking him because it was the kindest thing someone had done for him or because it was the cruelest thing he had done to someone else. And now he was asking Steve to tell him what to do. Asking him while blubbering like a baby as if Steve should be responsible for his emotions now, too.

“I can’t,” Steve answered and Eddie choked as his emotions slammed into him.

As if his body couldn’t take it Eddie squatted down and buried his face in his thighs, trying desperately to keep his sobs silent. He felt desperate. There was no fixing this; it was as if he had done irreversible damage and Steve was just letting him go with one last goodbye.

The sounds of the night felt deafening to Eddie as the murmur of crickets and the distant rumble of cars filled the empty space between them. How overwhelming the peace of the night was. The sounds pressed in on him and made his body feel untethered in the worst of ways. As if he could lay down right here and make this place his grave. Die with regrets and disappear from everyone’s lives so he couldn’t do any more damage.

“I’m just…” Eddie gasped, trying not to heave like a child, “I’m so fucking scared.”

“Eddie…” Steve said sympathetically, and Eddie shook his head to the softness, wishing Steve would just stop.

“You must fucking hate me,” Eddie blubbered, his voice tinged with humour as he tried to make light of the situation–as he tried to muster the last of his bravery to at least go down with some dignity.

“I don’t hate you,” Steve replied, sounding a bit annoyed which felt contradictory, but it made Eddie pause long enough so he could swallow back the constraint in his throat, his ears prickling for more.

The confession was desperate and selfish to mutter in the moment when Steve was probably already exercising so much patience. He wanted to be reassured, he needed to know that if nothing else he could try and make things better. If he was going to live life in this terrifying new space he at least wanted to be able to do it with other people like him. He didn’t want to start from scratch again. He didn’t want to have to figure this all out by himself. He just needed a crumb, something–anything–so he could at least try to enjoy his miserable existence.

“I can’t tell you what to do because I don’t know either,” Steve continued as Eddie sniffled and tried to make himself breathe even. That was something at least. It still felt hopeless, but at least it wasn’t hate. 

“Sorry,” Eddie mumbled, swallowing the phlegm building in his throat as he tried uselessly to cover up his crying.

“I don’t think I forgive you, yet, but…” Steve said as Eddie heard his shoes scraping on the road as he moved closer.

Yet. But. That meant there was more, that meant there was a sliver of a chance he could fix things. He clung to those words as Steve approached, his heart feeling as if it was being strangled in his chest, like some sick sacrifice to the gods.

“I think I’m willing to let you make it up to me,” Steve said quietly as Eddie felt Steve crouch down in front of him. Steve touched the top of his head, the motion almost turning into a pet but stopping short as Steve just held his hand against Eddie’s crown.

Quietly–slowly–Eddie lifted his head to peer at Steve from over his knees. Steve wasn’t smiling brilliantly like the sun, and he almost didn’t resemble himself crouched in the middle of the road with yellow street lights illuminating him. He looked troubled and unsure, but Eddie swore there was care there as well. That was enough. That was okay. He’d make do with that for now–he’d make it up to Steve. 

“Stop saying that,” Steve scolded, a good-natured sound to his voice as he half ruffled and half shoved Eddie’s head before standing up.

Eddie choked a wet laugh, actually feeling himself smile lightly. The weight on his heart felt lighter, even if his bones were still heavy with regret. It felt awkward, but at least right now it felt like there was a shadow of their friendship present.

“You should get out of the middle of the road before a car hits you,” Steve said as Eddie heard him shuffle backward to the shoulder.

Eddie groaned lightly, shame plowing into him for having broken down in front of Steve like that. How fucking embarrassing. You weren’t supposed to cry in front of other guys–but if he was going to be… queer, maybe he had to stop thinking about things like that.

Eddie pulled up the hem of his shirt and covered his face with it, using it as a tissue and a shield all at once.

 

“Don’t look at me, I’m pathetic,” Eddie grouched as he got up and stumbled to the side of the road. He continued to hold the fabric to his face, but let himself peak out of the corner of his shirt, his bangs mostly covering his eyes still.

“I’ve seen worse,” Steve offered with a bit of a huff, “try puking your guts out in a public washroom with a broken nose and your eye swollen shut.”

Eddie huffed, and looked to the side, still not sure how to respond to Steve when he brought up the past like that. He didn’t know all the details of the summer of 1985, but the pieces he had gathered were wild at best and absolutely bat-fucking-insane at worst.

“How’d you see it if your eye was swollen shut?” Eddie asked indignantly, only to flinch hard as Steve smacked his bare stomach.

Eddie grunted from the mild pain and stumbled backward slightly until his feet hit grass. The hit hadn’t hurt badly, and honestly, it had been more of a shock than anything, but it was a friendly ‘bro’ gesture. Eddie wasn’t all that used to that sort of thing–it was so jock–but it was friendly so he didn’t have the mind to complain.

“Shut up, would you? Or I’ll properly give you a five-star,” Steve replied, his tone obviously teasing.

Eddie huffed and wiped the last of his snot and tears onto his shirt before dropping it back down.

“A five-star, really? What are we? Fourteen?” Eddie asked, hunching a bit but falling into step beside Steve again.

“With the company you keep, I’d say that’s accurate.”

“The company I keep?” Eddie scoffed, sounding more offended than he actually was. Eddie hustled a bit to get in front of Steve, walking backward a few paces in front of him so he could point at Steve.

“They were your’s before I was even in the picture,” Eddie scolded, unable to help the hint of a smile breaking onto his face. This was good, this felt so much better than whatever the last 2 weeks had been. This felt almost like it had before all this nonsense. 

“You’re doing a terrible job of proving that you’re sorry,” Steve quipped and Eddie snapped his mouth shut, feeling the lightness fade quickly. He swallowed thickly and Steve must have noticed because he was waving his hand dismissively while keeping pace with Eddie still.

“I’m teasing,” Steve clarified, “too soon.”

Eddie pressed his lips together and turned to start walking beside Steve again, his head hanging down a bit.

“Yeah, but you deserve to get at least one in,” Eddie replied, feeling a smidge better knowing that there wasn’t any weight behind Steve’s comment. He didn’t feel like he could begrudge him, and Steve deserved at least one cheap shot.

They grew quiet after that, but it wasn’t oppressive like it was before and the awkwardness only touched the edges of the moment as they walked back to Hawkins’ Trailer Park. It was a comfortable silence and one that felt vaguely familiar to how things used to be between the two of them after the Upside Down. It wasn’t perfect–God, was it far from perfect–but Eddie could honestly say he felt good occupying that space. Everything had been so messy and even without the clearest path forward they were at least talking. He’d try–he’d try hard to make it up to Steve and prove that his misstep had been just that: A misstep. He still didn’t know what this meant for him and the prospect of facing that felt as if something was looming behind him even as they walked across the empty asphalt. But, he was at least looking at it now. This feeling, this fear, of discovering a more genuine version of himself. Just this hulking beast standing behind him, demanding and formidable, but less intimidating than it had been. He was unsure, but the sentimental notion of “family” felt like it was filtering into the space around them too. It was less ghastly, less perilous, and daunting to look at with someone else beside him. 

“Alright, yeah, see you at Wheeler’s,” Eddie confirmed, offering an awkward smile as Steve nodded and got into his car. 

Eddie bumped his shoulder into Steve’s as they approached the trailer, not looking up at him as he felt the exhaustion of the last 14 days catching up to him.

“Thanks for coming by,” Eddie said quietly, stepping up the trailer stairs before half turning to look at Steve who was stationed by his car.

“Yeah,” Steve answered, both of their uncertainty on how to communicate their emotions obvious. “I’ll see you… at Nancy’s going away party. College party, thing.”

Pt4

It wasn’t the best of goodbyes but as Steve’s car rumbled to life and Eddie finished climbing the steps into the trailer he couldn’t help but smile at how genuine their parting had been. It was awkward, but it also felt kind of perfect: no pressure to perform, no dredging up emotions or guilting one another, it was just them. Just honest and authentic with no hope for anything more than to fix whatever was here between the two of them.

Once a freak, always a freak. It just felt good to not be going at it alone anymore.

#eeeehhhhh it's not perfect but there is some wiggle room now #get ready for potentially more miscommunication and awkward boys in love #cause Eddie STILL hasn't faced the fact that he kissed STEVE #he's looking at 'kissing a boy' #but he's stupid bad and Steve is confused bad #anyways hurt/comfort time #my_writing #steddie #Eddie Munson #steve harrington #stranger things #steddie fic #tooth and nail