#definitely wont have the same problems i do now itd be new problems | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

glorifiedbones · 5 years

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i just want one day off. im so tired. hopefully that will be my saturday as tomorrow i have to go to the bank. but now ive upset her for the third day in a row and i know all she too wants is a day off. so i probably wont. and then i just be stuck with a check that will have just gone to waste.

why is it so fucking hot. all day i feel like ive been out of my skin. i know im definitely dirty and need a shiwer.

i feel so fucjing useless and i just want to die and i know i need to start taking meds but theyre expensive and i probably dont even need them. im just whining. im just holding my breath and whining in my head and all i can think is how much better itd be for everyone if i was dead. i only iritate everyone eventually. im mean and cant keep my mouth shut and make everyone angry and in always told i cant have a conversation so i obviously cant have one but i dont even feel like thats true so im just stuck repeating the same mistakes over and over because i keep trying to make sure hey dont have to do any work but that iritates her and i just wanted to stay home from school but its obviously better if i go right ill probably just make a mess of everything and everyone if i dont go. ill just make everyone more iritated. i dont know why i cant just keep my head down and my voice quiet. i just talk and talk and talk and ruin everything. i can never be silent. not even my mind its always fucjing thiniing. even when im staring at the walls and even when i cant move because im fucking useless i just cant sop thinking about the numbness and ringing in my ears and its so fucking loud all the tine but its so quiet at the same time. i ruin everything around me i just want to stop. i just want to stop. i just. want. to. stop.

and its still so fucking hot. i feel like i cant breathe and like my mouth is so dry but the thought of dribking water or eating anything is making me feel like im going to throw up.

i used to think i had anorexia because i was always worried about ny weight and wouldnt eat and was begging for everyone to notice how skinny i was but when my mom would say something i was begging for everyone to notice but her but at the same tine she was the only one i wanted to see me instead of how she always saw through me. and then i started eating again. and then i didnt fir a short period but now im eating so much now i can see it on my body and my stomah was so flat but now it just is potruding and i cant fit in my jeans anymore and i spend too much on new pants because they dont fit and i just outgrow them. i have the meanspo tag and not so much i hate it but seeing them call themselves fat lard is cringey to me. was cringey to me. i was always skinny, skinnier then i am now even when it started. and now i feel like how i imagined they felt when theyed call themselves fat lard. i just look and feel my stomach and the skin and feel like lard. and i keep thinking about everything i ate and drank and jow its all just sitting there and the calories and how i used to count calories but i havent payed attention to my calorie intake seriously in years and i hated taking pills. i hated taking pills because after a while it stopped. i felt better and didnt want to take them because i was better. but it was because of the pills but they were too expensive and it was honestly cauing more problems trying to get a refill then i thought itd be then if i just stopped taking them altogether. and i was fine for a while but now i keep thinking about howd id feel now if i never stopped.

i just want everything to stop.

#diary

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