#ecsxpe

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

12/19/23

I'm not doing well, the past few weeks have been yet another dark period in my life. So much happening... most of which I can't bring myself to discuss even in an anonymous setting like this…it's not YOU… it’s me, and the fact that I can't seem to admit the truths to myself. I'm falling apart, I know it. I feel myself slipping. I am aware of the panic building deep inside of me. I know what the trigger is, but I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to “fix” it and Everything feels like it’s upside down, I cry one minute and I laugh the next. Sometimes it starts as a laugh and ends as a cry. And I wonder how much strength and will power I really possess, taking a moral inventory, trying to figure out who the I am.

It's just not a good time;

I suppose I should just leave it at that.

I have good ideas,

but not enough heart to stick it out.

Or maybe I’m just not good enough, period?

That's how I feel... not good enough...

not smart enough, or pretty enough,

or thin enough,or rich enough,

or successful enough,

I’m not good enough.

Not Good Enough.

I long to be good enough,

yet that dream has not been realized,

and I wonder if it ever will be.

Lately, I feel nothing...

except emptiness, and hollow...

I can't for the life of me figure out what's wrong.

How did I get this way?

What led to this?

What's wrong with me?

Why can't I make sense of it all.

I think I'm broken.

I feel a heaviness in my heart

something is trying to happen far away

within a part of me I don't remember how to find.

I feel lost

I'm just wandering around within my mind, waiting.

Wishing for someone to tell me what to do and how

but there’s no one to help me.

I cannot allow myself to trust, to lean on anyone.

Been there, done that,

it only ends in more pain, more shame and hurt.

I am on my own with this.

So I write about it,

because that's what I know how to do

and the writing pacifies me

and teases me out of my own thoughts.

I have so much hurt and anger

it’s bubbling to the surface.

Everything around me, and the very fact that I have to go on in the midst of it, whispers to me of my own failure and horribleness as a human being. I know all that I tell myself is not true, but this is not the kind of thing I can just tell myself to stop and be happy.

I see myself as a child. I see a little boy sitting in a dark corner, hugging his knees and trying to be as small and "out of the way" as possible. When he looks at me, his eyes are full of a terrible anger- rage, sadness and pain. he is scared. I have never seen myself so dark. But he is undeniably me, and he must have existed during that time of my life. I have ignored him, I choose to ignore and neglect him, because he did not fit the image I held for others. he makes me think about everything that happened to me. So much anger, so much hurt. he was rejected, hated, abused; never good enough. he was insulted, ridiculed, heart broken, ignored, and left to the back of my mind. The pain from the aftermath is unspeakable. I try to list the things my father said to me- not to relive the memories but to seek guidance through the suffering I never could when I was actually going through it. I try to describe the pain and it's so overwhelming that no words will come. I don't know what to say to him this child . I don't know how to help him exist, how to let myself be angry and hurt, how to bring to life all of the things that I've repressed. I want to express it all, but I don't know where to begin. And I look for something anything, a book, a person, a therapist; anything to show me the way. I suppose there is no way, no road map, nothing but fumbling in the dark, at least that’s been my experience. I try to ignore him, but every night when I close my eyes and I see him, but I cannot sit with him or tell him I am here for him. I am unable to tell him that his pain is real and that he has every right to be angry. I cannot help him or stop his anger or pain. I don’t know how. No one has ever shown me how. And he wants, no he needs, something, and I don't know what to do, or how to help him. I am so tired of walking this road alone.

I am tired of the pain and anger,

but they are mine- a part of me.

And I don’t know where to go from here.

Or if there is anywhere to go from here.

I will never be good enough.

#depressing shit #ecsxpe #rage #dealing with depression