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rueur · 7 years

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Morning Pages #31 (10.02.2017)

Friday 10th February - 11:02 a.m.

So Malith called me yesterday asking if there was going to be anything on for tonight. Friday night! Our plans to go out have been postponed again and again over the past month, essentially since those nights I went out on my own in Northcote. So hopefully Malith is definitely coming out tonight, and Daniel said that he might too if he’s not super tired from work today. I hope he does though, because I have also been meaning to go to Laundry with him, considering that was originally his scene anyway. I also got in touch with Lauren and Jacob and they said they’d love to come too, and that they’d try to make it after Lauren’s photoshoot or something. I had no idea what that meant, and Jacob didn’t say anything else about the photoshoot, so now I guess I’m just hoping that they come out tomorrow.

I have to renew my phone plan today too, and I am afraid that I’ll need to break another $50. I have exactly $700 left to live off of this year and it’s absolutely going to be impossible, unless I never eat anything at all and never leave the house (aside from going to class). I will definitely need a job. I don’t know if they will, but if my parents or my grandpa at least lets me borrow some money for my school books, I might just be able to get by for one semester. But certainly not for the entire year, that would not be possible. I mean, it was fine for first year, but third year will see me tackling longer contact hours and a heavier workload too. I have three full-on days and I’ll definitely need to be treating myself during my lunch break, I mean otherwise I would not have any academic motivation. Uni can be quite indulgent, definitely if you also happen to be studying what you love. You are basically dedicating three years of your life to passionate study that fuels your own personal development rather than contributing to society, and...sorry. I just got a text. My plan was renewed. I checked my balance, and apparently I have enough money for the next two months? Was this my dad? This is very odd. See, I’ve been anxious about where I’m going to be getting my money to pay for this plan from after I donated so much to Lentils, but I couldn’t help that. I know it was probably a stupid thing to do considering my financial situation, but I just felt really bad about the fact that I’m really hoarding my savings. I need to though. I know it’s more socially conscious to share the wealth, and I have generally been doing that with what I have on my card, but I refuse to eat into my savings. I think everybody is the same way, to an extent. Anyway, I’m at least glad that I don’t need to stress about this anymore. I have too much to deal with right now, but then again it feels like I always have too much to deal with. That’s what Malith said to me on the phone yesterday too. Right before he put me on speaker to talk to his sister through their bathroom door as she took a dump. The poor girl.

I’m waiting to Skype with Courtney too. It’s been a while so I figured it would be fun for both of us to properly catch up. I keep thinking about who would want to come out to Laundry, and the only girls that I think would actually fully enjoy the scene with me are Courtney and Jay, but Courtney’s on the other side of the world. And Jay’s not getting back to me, because she rarely does. I have no boisterous female friends, aside from Rhiannon and Lauren, really. But I don’t know if Laundry is Rhiannon’s kind of place, and honestly I don’t really know if Lauren will like it either. I was hoping to just kind of meet girls when I go out, just kind of start dancing with them and then maybe like exchanging numbers or something, but every time I’ve gone out I’ve ended up dancing with some guy for the entire night. Of course, I had no grievances with Evan and I actually am quite happy I did get to meet him, but every other time I’ve gone out has felt somewhat unsuccessful because I didn’t get to meet any interesting women, who would take me out again ideally. Who would take me out a couple of times for the rest of this year and I’d build up a fantastic rapport with them and establish what would quickly become quite distinctively long lasting friendships. Toni and Sam have kind of moved from both me and each other. They’ve become their own people, as have I. And now I’ve found myself in a place where I can’t say I have any real close female friends. I am hopeful with Lauren, but I also know that Lauren and I are going to mess around a little. It will be a friendship, but there’ll also be some fleeting sexual element to it that...actually, that might make the friendship stronger rather than diminish it when you consider how chill Lauren is.

Tonight though, I’m only interested in blowing off some steam: a month’s build up of steam. I am tempted to send Evan a message but I’m just so nervous, I’m too fucking nervous. I was hoping that these pages wouldn’t lapse into journal entries painfully reminiscent of my high school years, but I fear that this has already happened considering I have mostly been talking about boys and friends. To be fair though, I am also on holiday right now, and I will be for the next seventeen days. So I am making the most of this time, spending it being social and revelling in the fact that I have a social life now, rather than working. Even though it would probably be worthwhile to do a little more independent script development, and to refine my slam poem whilst I still have the time to focus on these things. I know that when uni starts, I’ll be spending all of my time on that work over anything else.

It’s 11:34 a.m. now. My plans for the morning were to bike to Westfield and sort my money out at the bank before biking back home and topping up my phone, but now that that’s apparently all been sorted for me (by some generous spirit, or by my father who sounded perhaps too unperturbed on the phone, because I called him as soon as I received the text notification), all I need to do today is eat and workout and then maybe clean my room, just manage myself. Courtney said she’ll be home in an hour, so I think that I can have a quick shower and actually eat some breakfast before she calls and then during the call, I can do a little tidying and also talk to her about what’s been going on with me too. I have been meaning to speak to her for a while, just because talking to her on messenger can become pretty exhausting. I don’t know how she manages to type so much so fast, but it’s actually such a trial trying to keep up with it. I feel bad every time I literally am emotionally incapable of replying to her, and then just end up ‘ignoring’ her messages for a couple of days. I don’t ignore them, I read everything as soon as she sends it to me, but it’s just very hard for me to process everything that she throws at me at once. It’s like I’m living my life but in the background, I have the lives of other people playing at double speed and I have to sort out my life but also sort out all of those lives too. To be fair, this feeling has lessened since I don’t speak to Ikaros as much anymore. That’s certainly helped. And Evan has been taking up a portion of my head space too, I don’t know why really. I’m trying not to place any pressure on him or on me, because it is just the weirdest time for us to have met. Valentine’s Day is next week, and both of our birthdays are only a stone’s throw away. What are we supposed to do? Do we get each other gifts or do we just leave these days of significance be? And miss these first days of significance we’d be having JUST because we don’t know what we are yet, and end up having to wait a whole other year (if a whole other year does pass us by) in order to actually celebrate those days for the first time. Is he even thinking about this too? Or is it just me? What the fuck does he want from me? Why did he tell me that I made his day!? I mean it made me so so happy, I mean you could say that him saying that to me really made MY day. Sometimes I wonder if he’s found this blog and has read my morning pages. If he knows all of this and thinks I’m insane. I know it’s pretty stupid to essentially be posting my DIARY online for everybody to see, but this is supposed to be more of a disciplinary daily activity rather than a place for me to sort out my thoughts. I’m learning more about my voice, about my concerns and how to translate these real-life concerns of mine into my fiction in order to strengthen that sense of individuality and signature in my authorship. It’s like being a linguistic auteur, I guess.

I’m so caught up in this boy, it’s actually making me want to listen to The Script. Science & Faith: the ultimate album when it comes to relationships and deciphering the secret language of I want to say love for the sake of making this sentence sensical, but perhaps ‘relationships’ is more an apt word for me to place here in my given situation. I also just took a massive break from writing (well not ‘massive’; it’s 11:56 a.m. now), to check Facebook and once more scroll through my contact list looking for people who might want to go out because I have actually been a social recluse for the past year and I haven’t really caught up with that many people, which can also explain why I’ve been feeling so lonely lately. Because I spent most of my last year either at work or at uni or with Ikaros. I only really have creative writing friends or old high school friends, or old PRIMARY school friends, but no boisterous friends. Isaac is still overseas, but he’ll be coming back next month, and I don’t even know if he would want to see me because he really hasn’t made any efforts to stay in touch. I know he’s been busy though, and he’s probably been talking to many other people rather than me. The last couple of times we’ve met up have been kind of lacklustre. I don’t know if we can be friends. Okay, it’s 11:59 a.m., and there’s one more minute of morning left. But I am on my fourth page now, so I’m going to go and have a nice, warm shower. Or a bath!

#morning pages #31 #10.02.2017

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