#first they didn't want anybody on antidepressants

[idontknowiknow]

got rejected from the sleep study for the SECOND TIME

#how am i supposed to have a creepypasta experience at this rate #first they didn't want anybody on antidepressants #then they were like 'hey several years ago you were ineligible for this! but now we're studying people on antidepressents. u wanna go' #and i was like yeah sign me up #they even interviewed me #what on EARTH was in my interview that made me ineligible this time #contemplating replying to the email to ask why #this contemplation requires a tumblr post i guess #nobody wants to do experiments on me u_u

[kaliboudica]

it's not possible for me to apologise to the person I hurt directly so I'm just gonna leave this here.

Well, I did apologise a while ago but it was a pretty shitty apology that wasn't really welcome.

I previously excused my behaviour by explaining that I was very drunk at the time, but it matters that I acted that way in any state of mind whatsoever, and it matters that I made a choice to get that drunk in the first place.

At the time my interpretations of your behaviour were unfair and came from a place of me refusing to acknowledge that the number one person who needed to help me get somewhere secure in life is myself. Saving me from my circumstances was never your responsibility. It also came from a place of refusing to accept the fact that we simply weren't compatible with each other, and instead I placed blame on you simply for having different goals in life, which is everyone's right. I should have negotiated this dissatisfaction respectfully, and I didn't. Instead I responded to that feeling by saying something hurtful about you, and when you rightly called me out about it I responded by hurting you even further. I was too caught up in my own feelings to even consider how this all affected you in the moment, which is something I should always do in every interaction with anybody. I failed to live up to that responsibility, and I made a choice to act in a way that hurt you.

I am sorry that I hurt you.

I made promises to change, to stop drinking all the time and go to therapy, which I'm making progress with. I don't drink alone at home any more, and I'm currently on a waiting list to see a therapist that I have disclosed my behaviour to during my initial consultation. I'm on antidepressants and I'm consistently turning up to work. None of this is to do anything to get you back into my life, but I know it's what you'd want for me, so in a way although I'm doing it for myself and the people still in my life, I'm also kind of doing it for you anyway, even if you never see the results.

[dogfinger]

.

#the dosage on my antidepressants got upped and i can't tell if they're doing anything #the past week was pretty good for the most part #i had a good sleeping schedule and was active during the day #but today has been really shitty and i just want to lie in bed and cry #i feel so disconnected from the rest of the world and like I don't mean anything #that if I didn't approach people first I'd never spend time with anybody #god I just want to feel loved I'm dying out here #vent