Part 3
Fury: I cannot believe the Avengers No. 1 unattainable criminal right now is a seventeen-year-old twink
Clint: I can’t believe you’re calling Loki a twink
Tony: I can’t believe he's been the legal godparent of kids his own age for months and I didn't realise
Steve: You didn’t get him removed? I thought you made Rhodey their legal godparents instead??
Tony: nah I removed Thor
Natasha: ?? why would anyone do that ??
Fury, having a breakdown: we nearly lost New York and the entire world to a 16-year-old twink with daddy issues
Clint: yoU just did it aGAIN-
Tony, the only actual Avenger who knows Loki isn’t actually evil™: heY! Daddy issues are a serious thing! Don’t make fun of the guy for having a crisis and finding out his life was a lie and he’d faced over a millennium of abusive environment for nothing!
Avengers: are you… defending Loki… the megalomaniac WAR CRIMINAL who turned every SHIELD facility into ice cream earlier today…?
Tony, hands up in surrender: I’m saying maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to judge the guy. I wouldn't be able to guess what but maybe he had an ulterior reason for the New York fiasco? His normal stuff is usually harmless.
Avengers: ...
Tony: What? It could’ve been much worse.
Strange, rolling his eyes: Yes, at least it wasn’t Stark Raving Hazelnuts
Loki, who has been standing at the back listening to the entire conversation: That flavour is way too chalky to suit SHIELD anyways
[everyone turns to Loki with their weapons ready, except Tony of course]
Loki, raising his hands in surrender: what? A Hunka-Hulka Burning Fudge is way better, and its green, and for some reason they didn’t have a Loki flavour so that was the next best option-
---
Loki: hey Morgan what would you say if i offered you an officially evil part-time job with decent pay and extremely good evil workplace benefits?
Morgan: do you offer evil dental?
Loki: of course?? we also have A-Grade coffee 24/7 because top class extremely good evil deserves only the best
Morgan: Excellent! I look forward to working with your evil team and being a part of your nefarious schemes and plots in future
Loki: Thank you. Tomorrow we replace all Tony's vehicles with incredibly realistic wax models.
Morgan: ...including the jets?
Loki, scoffing: what kind of amateur villains would we be if we left his jets, boats, bikes and single vintage helicopter untouched
Tony: its 4am can you maybe not have this conversation right next to me in my own workshop?!
---
Tony: I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WOULD REPLACE THEM WITH WAX MODELS
Morgan: What kind of low-grade predictable villainous evil doers would we be if we did what we said we would
Tony: oh $#!^ now you're speaking like him too
Loki, cutting his shoulder to reveal cake: Just so you know, it wasn’t JUST the vehicles ;)
---
Peter: *following loki around with a notepad*
Loki: Terribly sorry if you mind but he's MY intern now.
Tony: You don’t think there’s anything wrong with what you’re doing, do you?
Loki: I don’t think anything I’ve ever done is wrong
Peter: *avidly taking notes and nodding along*
---
T’challa: I cant believe you filed an application for ‘time off’
Shuri: I NEED at least 3 hours a week reserved specifically for training if I want to keep my part-time job
T’challa: you don’t NEED a job! You make up 90% of Wakanda’s research and development departments! Your technology work IS a job!
Shuri: yeah well my ACTUAL job is fun and has proper work benefits and I simply must empty the time blocks I specified for it! You wouldn’t stop me from meeting with Peter and Morgan would you? They ARE, legally and spiritually speaking, my siblings, brother :)
T’challa: what job could you have that would need you reminding me that a mischief deity adopted you before telling me what the job actually is
Shuri: The official position is called Secretary of Evil but that’s only for the probationary 2 week period and I’m allowed to request a name change if I think of anything better
T’challa:
T’challa: you are working as a SECRETARY?!
Shuri: The job pays well, Brother,
T'challa:
T'challa: mother will be so disappointed
---
Scott: I can’t believe you did that
Maggie: I didn’t know he was a supervillain! OBVIOUSLY!
Scott: how would you noT KNOW! He wears nothing buT LEATHER and BELTS and GREEN BOOTS AND-
Maggie: I needed someone to watch her and she showed up in pink sweatpants and a black tank top and was charging a decent rate
Scott:
Scott: are you sure their name was loki
---
Clint: you told me it was a ‘family gathering’!
Tony: yeah, it is, and the avengers are family
Clint, pointing at Loki: so what’s the twink doing here and why are MY kids along with every other person here who is under drinking age clinging to him like a frickin’ koala bear
Tony: morgan wanted to get her ‘the floor is lava’ badge and loki was the only one immune to the lava so they jumped him - and he enjoyed walking around covered in them way more than he should have - and also loki is legally peter and morgan and harley and shuri’s godparent so he’s allowed to be here on more of a basis than anyone else here at this point
Clint: There was LAVA near MY KIDS?!
Tony: no of course not – it was FAKE lava that just looked and functioned like real lava
Clint: im taking them all home
Tony: good luck convincing them not to want another playdate
Clint: this isn’t a joke Tony
Tony: I’m serious. Good luck. The kids love him, and you’ll need all the luck you can get if you want them to ever root for the side of good instead of wherever-loki-is-at instead.
---
Pepper: *watching the news*
Pepper: oh hey the Avengers are on
Peter, running into the room: woW NICE
Pepper: wtf why is Hulk wearing giant boxing gloves
Peter: Language!
Pepper: is Steve's shield padded?!
Peter: i don’t remember that being normal
Pepper: did most of the Avengers just ditch Steve? Why’re they leaving
Peter: I guess the danger must be over?
Pepper: WHAT is going ON out there today
Peter: I think Loki had planned an attack today so maybe he did it as a joke
Pepper: oh they're facing Loki yeah okay that explains it
Peter: Loki always does the funniest things of course he baby-proofed all the Avenger's gear! Classic Loki! :D
-meanwhile-
Captain America, tears streaming down his face: pl,,ease, loki,, stop,t his, I cant hit ,,a child
Loki: Look at you, the American icon, unable to save all these innocent people from having their skin turn into primary colours, all because you are TOO AFRAID to fight me!
Captain America: I’m a national icon, not a good soldier but a good man, I will do whatever it takes to keep innocents safe, but I can NOT beat up someone who isn’t even legal enough to vote
Loki: I was around causing chaos before this ‘voting’ was even invented! And I’ll NEVER legally vote even if I could!! mwahahAHAHA-
Falcon, to Bucky in the background: How did we not realise he was a teen, all his comebacks are ‘no u’ and ‘uno reverse card’ and ‘look over there!’
Bucky, to Falcon: I don’t know but I really really want to know where he gets his outfits from
Falcon: if it means I’ll be seeing you geared up in leather again then I want to know where he gets his outfits from too ;‘)
Thor: I think my brother makes his own outfits
Loki, still tormenting Captain America: *SISTER
Thor: ah, my bad
Captain America, crying x2: wait does this mean I’ve been lobbing my shield at not just a child, but I’ve been misgendering them while doing it?!
Loki: only occasionally and I don’t blame you that was on me for monologuing too long, really—
Captain America, taking off the helmet: nope I’m done
Loki: what are you doing
Steve, handing Sam the shield: It’s yours. Enjoy.
Sam: woah woah woah what’re you doing you cant retire just like that
Steve, unzipping his suit to reveal American flag boxers: watch me
Bucky to Sam: hello new best friend
Sam, realising that Cap and Bucky are a duo: oh no no no STEVE is your best friend
Bucky: he hasn’t been my ‘best friend’ since I saw him with the American flag splayed over his butt
Loki, holding his hand out for Sam to shake: Hello there new Captain America its nice to meet you formally, my name is Loki and yes I’m a child but I’m actually 1075 but that is irrelevant if I’m causing trouble and looking for a fight, I’m also genderfluid so yes sometimes my pronouns will be different but I’ll be sure to inform you if it happens
Sam: what are you doing
Loki: I’m… formally introducing myself
Sam:
Sam: why??
Loki, blinking to hide that he’s getting teary eyed: well, the last national icon I didn’t do this with ditched me because I didn’t
Bucky, a trained assassin, who isn’t a fool: *hugs loki* that wasn’t your fault steve just likes to carry the stupid with him
Loki: thanks
Bucky: is this a bad time to ask where you get your clothes from…?
Loki: I make them
Bucky: oh. Well $#!^.
Loki, sniffing: if you join the dark side I’ll make you some too
Bucky, immediately: done.
Sam: JAmES
Bucky deadpan: Yes, Samuel, what is it that troubles you, my new arch nemesis?
---
Sam: HE TOOK BUCKY
Natasha: What do you mean ‘he took bucky’ he’s standing right next to you
Sam: He’s “infiltrating the enemy”
Natasha: *lifts an eyebrow and looks to Bucky*
Bucky: It’s true. My loyalties lie elsewhere now.
Natasha: ???
Bucky: note to self – unexpected outcomes confuse the black widow.
Natasha: how did this happen??
Sam: he SOLD himself out to the ENEMY
Natasha: well when you say it like THAT ;) —
Bucky: I think friendship is a decent price to pay for decent clothing
Natasha: ???
Sam: oh also I’m Captain America now because Steve broke down and quit
Natasha: ?!?!?!
---
Peter, entering the room and high-fiving Loki: I heard you got Mr. Bucky to switch teams!
Loki: well, my fashion skills ARE legendary
Tony, under his breath: he’s not even trying and he’s gotten every kid and the freaking winter soldier on his side and I am so so grateful he isn’t actually TRYING to make everyone go bad
---
Bucky: we’ve been over this Steve, Loki is young but he’s also over a thousand years old
Steve: I was beating up a KID, Bucky, a kid who was SMALLER and WEAKER than everyone else where he lived but wouldn’t EVER turn down a FIGHT for what he BELIEVES IN and he was probably BULLIED and I wanted the guy DEAD, Bucky–
Bucky: don’t forget the genderfluidity thing
Steve: he said it wasn’t my fault but I should’ve asked Thor after he referred to Loki as ‘she’ instead of thinking he’d made a mistake and I just can’t – he isn’t even old enough to DRIVE or VOTE or DRINK or BUY A KNIFE or --
Bucky, holding Steve and patting his back: hey now, there, there, it’ll be okay,
Bucky: *gives Loki a thumbs up as he sits on the couch with popcorn and watches Steve be miserable*
---
Loki: We need to get through this locked door. Tony, quick, give me your card!
Tony, handing the card over: Take it!
Loki, pocketing it: Thanks! Morgan, fire at the door
Morgan: *pulls out an iron man gauntlet painted green and gold*
Tony: hOW COULD you deface YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT with GREEN
Morgan: MINE is still being used as a paperweight. This is one of YOUR gauntlets.
Tony, under his breath: maybe it’s not too late to burn the physical evidence and hack Loki’s name off the digital copies of the adoption forms
Loki, whispering back: oh its definitely too late. I’m already on your christmas card and everything.
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