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actuallylorelaigilmore · 7 years

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Can you write a fic if Leo didn't set up the helicopter for Donna that Christmas. And Josh tries to make it up to Donna... Thanks!

This was such an inspiring prompt, anon! The story ended up much longer than I planned. Thank you for it.

What if there had never been a helicopter? J/D “Holy Night” AU, also on AO3.

“What’s that doing in there? We can’t have mistletoe in the West Wing. It’s a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.”

“There you are.” Josh found Donna with the Whiffenpoofs as they were being guided out of the White House. “Leo and the President changed their minds. We’re waiting until after the holidays on infant mortality.”

“Oh. Okay.” She gazed out at the falling snow from where they stood in the lobby.

Donna’s distant tone was unsettling, making him trip over his tongue. “Hey, look. This is…I know it sucks. I wish–I’m sorry. Leo was gonna try to find you another way to the inn, but it’s just too rough out there.”

“That’s a sweet thought, anyway,” she replied, still watching the storm. “I’ll have to thank him.”

“I wasn’t kidding before,” he told her, hoping to snap her out of her funk. “Those of us who are stranded tonight have very big plans. Snowmen, pizza, alcohol. It’s no chalet, but it’ll be a good time.”

Cold air blew in as a few staffers exited. She hugged herself a little before offering him a smile. “Sounds like quite the Christmas.”

“It’ll be better with you. Come join the party.” He took her arm and tugged her back in the direction of the bullpen.

The place was dark, the other staffers missing. “They must have already started building the snowmen,” he decided. “Wanna go outside and help, or wait in the Briefing Room for the awards ceremony?”

“There’s going to be an awards ceremony?”

“Well, I only just came up with that, but yeah. Why not.” He couldn’t help it; he liked the way she looked puzzled but perked up a little at the silly idea.

“I’d rather stay inside,” Donna decided.

“Then we’ll wait.”

On their way past CJ’s office, Josh came to a sudden stop.

“What’s that doing in there? We can’t have mistletoe in the West Wing. It’s a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.”

She peered up at the cheerful sprig hanging just inside the Press Secretary’s doorway. “Nobody knows for sure, but the grapevine says Toby put it up to get a rise out of CJ for exactly that reason.”

Josh smirked. Despite his dour reputation, of course it would be Toby pulling that kind of stunt. It was exactly his sense of humor. “Yeah, okay. Why hasn’t she taken it down?”

“Rumor has it that she’s figured out his master plan and refuses to give him the satisfaction of a response.”

He looked at it a moment longer, then shrugged and moved on. Not his problem tonight.

“So,” he told her on their way, “they’ll bring in their snowmen and get them set up for the photoshoot–and I think we should have the award categories all ready to surprise them with. It’ll give us something to do while we wait.”

“Okay.” She grabbed a notepad and pen and took them with her to a seat when they arrived in the Briefing Room, looking at him expectantly. “Shoot.”

“Me first?” His deer-in-headlights panic was too cute. She grinned, tapping the the pen against the pad and waiting.

“Um. Alright. Well. Obviously we need ‘best overall’ winners. Top three?”

Donna nodded, writing it down.

“And we should have ‘closest resemblance to a staffer,’ Josh said wickedly, making her smile again.

“Most peculiar,” Donna added. “Quickest and slowest melters.”

“Love it.” He sat down next to the podium, watching her write. “Best use of accessories.”

They heard the commotion before people began trickling in, carrying toddler-sized snowmen. Donna left her chair and sat next to Josh, out of the way of staffers who were claiming press seats and chattering about their creations.

“Do you want to tell them about the contest or should I?”

“Well, it was your idea.”

“Fair enough.” He stood up. “Hey! We’re gonna vote on winners, you guys.”

To their credit, the scattering of people who had stuck around accepted the news without question. After a beat, Josh looked down at Donna. “Tell them the categories.”

She read off the list, and he continued. “I figured we could all get a look at the contenders while everybody takes pictures, and then we’ll vote by a show of hands. Sound good?”

The nods and murmurs were in agreement, so Josh sat back down. Donna stayed where she was, and he turned her way. “You’re not gonna check out the snowmen?”

“Just waiting to avoid the rush.” Lost in thought, her demeanor was glum again.

He put a friendly arm around her, watching people talk and laugh while they circled the press seating. “You know,” he said, eyes fixed ahead, “I’m glad you’re here. It wouldn’t be as fun without you.”

She leaned into him a little before standing, her face slightly flushed as she examined the snow display.

Josh waited until she had finished looking before he raised his voice to get everyone’s attention. “All right. Let’s start with the special categories.”

Donna joined him back at the podium to read them off, and the votes went swiftly. Each winning artist got a round of applause from their peers. As the ceremony finished up, CJ came in and pretended to be annoyed at their presence before touring the winners’ row.

“Donna!” Reaching the podium, CJ greeted her with a hug when she saw her. “I’m sorry about your Christmas getting ruined.”

“Thanks.” She glanced at the contest winners who were getting themselves photographed with their creations, and Josh caught her eye. He smiled, a quick flash before one of the junior staffers asked him a question and he turned away. “But it’s looking up.”

“Well, that’s good news. Speaking of which, now that everybody’s done getting snow all over my room, we’re going to grab a drink. You coming?”

“Yeah. Josh said the Hawk and Dove?”

“That’s the plan.”

“I’m in. Oh–I left my coat in the bullpen,” Donna remembered. “You guys go on. I’ll share a cab with somebody.”

“Hey…be a pal and grab the blue folder off my desk?” CJ asked hopefully. “Danny needs it, but as soon as I head in there, I have to get back to work. I want a little more Christmas first.”

“Sure.” Donna took a last look at the melting shapes behind her and left the Briefing Room.

Bundled up again in the empty West Wing, she headed for CJ’s desk, where she found no folders, blue or otherwise.

Sighing, she was halfway out the door when Josh nearly ran into her on his way in.

“Oh, hey! CJ remembered the folder was in the second drawer, and sent me to tell you. I assume you know what folder she’s talking about.”

“Yeah.”

Josh brushed past her, letting the door shut behind him, and opened the drawer.

“So, what exactly are we looking for?”

“Blue one. She said it’s for Danny.”

“Okay…” After a moment of flipping through files, he grinned. “Got it. Good thing CJ’s such a compulsive labeler.”

She wouldn’t have been able to explain why it was that moment that set her off. Something in his smile, maybe. The smug tone he employed way too often that should annoy her to no end but that just caused…another feeling entirely. She was stuck at work on Christmas and tired of dancing around the truth.

“Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m still waiting for an explanation.”

“For what?” He shut the drawer and stood up, folder in hand.

“What you said about tonight. Some reason I’d think you would keep me here.”

“We should get this back to CJ.” Moving out from the desk, Josh tried to leave the office, evading her the way he avoided her gaze–and the question.

But when Donna stood her ground, he found himself toe-to-toe with her in front of CJ’s door. Demanding answers, her blue eyes were lake-deep in the dim light. He felt himself falling into them, a dizzying sensation.

Looking up, away, to pull himself out of the dangerous spiral and get back on solid ground, Josh realized they were standing under the mistletoe. Fate, thought a part of his brain he usually ignored.

It was too easy to shift toward her, letting the quiet and dark protect them from the rest of the office. Somehow it made perfect sense to let his breath mingle with hers, feeling the thunder of his heartbeat, while he waited for her response.

Her gaze flicked down to his mouth and back up, but she didn’t pull away. Like gravity, so slowly it hurt, he gave in to an eternity of waiting and brushed her lips with his.

Donna held herself perfectly still, as though she might shatter, and absorbed the gut punch of it. Here was her explanation. And a hope she had refused to ever entertain.

She’d had to admit her feelings to herself when Josh was shot, but she didn’t need his Harvard education to have a keen awareness of office–and political–politics. This was never supposed to happen.

He was impulsive, he wore his heart on his sleeve and in those puppy dog eyes, and it was up to her to rein him in. That was her job.

Her job. God, what were they doing?

His mouth brushed hers a second time, just as lightly, teasingly, and she closed her eyes, forgetting the rest of her inner lecture. This kiss was a question, a test, and it shot through her like electricity.

When she kissed him back, their lips parting in unison, it felt as though the whole world stopped for one long, perfect moment.

Then he reached a hand up to her face, returning her to reality. Her crash landing was met by him watching her through his unusually long lashes.

“Hi,” Josh said quietly. As she just stared, he began to worry, searching her clouded eyes for a clue.

“Donna?”

“We’re insane,” she whispered. Shifting back a little, she raised her voice to its normal level. “That must be it. We’ve gone crazy, because the holidays are a very stressful time and both the President and Leo were piling on to you today, and when you have too much on your plate it affects me, so it was just too much and we weren’t thinking and it landed us here.”

Normally he would sit back and enjoy her unspooling, but Josh had a feeling that as soon as the sanctuary of CJ’s empty office was broken, whatever was happening between them would fade along with it, and she was bound to call attention to them if she kept going.

So this time, he kissed her to shut her up.

She sank into it before pulling away. “And Jack! I have a boyfriend. What the hell is wrong with me?”

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” Now he sounded offended, and so petulant Donna had to fight back the urge to laugh.

“There’s nothing wrong with this,” Josh added. He looked up over their heads, waiting until she did the same. “It was just a kiss under the mistletoe. If you want, we can blame Toby.”

She did laugh then, resting a hand against his chest as she imagined that scenario playing out.

He kept his voice light, focused on reassuring her instead of his own feelings. “Just a Christmas fluke, okay? No big deal.”

“Right.” She should have thought of that, Donna realized. Normally she would have been the first to brush it off as a friendly exchange, the way she’d always handled the intimacy of their working relationship. “So, we should get back.”

Josh nodded. “Yeah.”

“Time for alcohol and merriment.” Striving for simplicity, she straightened his collar and opened the door. There was no one in the bullpen–or, it seemed, the entire West Wing–as they left.

His hand at the small of her back while they exited the building was something that had happened hundreds of times before, but it felt more significant now. Everything did. The silence between them in the cab was loaded, their fingers almost touching on the seat.

When they arrived, CJ and the others were already there, drinking and laughing over the crowd while they waited on food. The Hawk and Dove wasn’t exactly known for its ambiance, but it was an excellent staffer hideaway, and it had been Josh’s suggestion because it was near Donna’s apartment. He figured the last thing she needed on top of her ruined plans was a difficult trek home.

They took the booth seat CJ had saved, and Donna saw the careful distance Josh kept between them as he sat. Had he always done that, or was she just noticing it now?

It was a fairly useless gesture, a few inches of space that didn’t ease the tension for either of them. Josh was tapping his fingers on the table like a hyperactive kid while he waited for his beer, and Donna’s smile was over-bright, trying too hard to seem normal. CJ teased Josh about his antsy behavior, raising her eyebrows when Donna didn’t join in, or even seem to notice what she’d said.

Drinks in hand, the energy between them only grew. The others were talking about presents, the storm, their New Year’s plans, but Josh and Donna were in their own little bubble of unspoken thoughts and needs.

What was he thinking? Donna wondered. No matter what he said about the power of mistletoe, how were they supposed to go back to work as though everything was normal?

She was going to jet off to Lieutenant Commander Cheekbones as soon as the weather cleared, Josh thought. How could she move on like nothing happened?

“Food!” The group cheered when the pizza arrived, reaching over each other to grab slices from the deep dish pan. The greasy bar food was always good at the Hawk and Dove, but Donna couldn’t work up much of an appetite. She had kissed somebody else.She felt awful.

It wasn’t like she and Jack had agreed to be exclusive yet, but she also knew for a fact that he was uneasy about her and Josh. It was in his tone when her work came up: Jack thought there was more than a working relationship between them from the start.

She considered herself lucky he had yet to be direct about it; she was a terrible liar, and what could she honestly say? Even before the kiss, could she have looked him in the eye and said “Of course there are no feelings there”?

Maybe Josh was right, she decided, watching him eat like he didn’t have a care in the world. The kiss didn’t change anything. It was what the kiss meant, what it forced her to acknowledge. She could be dating the best guy in the world and he still wouldn’t be right…because he wouldn’t be Josh.

Josh ate mechanically, hoping nobody would notice that he and Donna could barely look at each other. The only choice he had was to let it go and move on-or really, move back, to before. But he didn’t know how.

He’d been lost since the day they met, her hair falling over her face as she answered his phones, making her look so young–until she challenged him, her fierce, stubborn eyes pinning him in place. “Why can’t it be those things?”

He could feel it then, the approaching danger, that he was in over his head…but giving in had been one of the best decisions he’d ever made. She was essential to his office, to the White House itself. So what if sometimes it hurt, being around her and not touching her? So what if sometimes she looked at him with those big doe eyes and he knew she felt the same way?

They were doing important work under President Bartlet. He knew how hard it was for the First Family; he’d seen what happened between Leo and Jenny. He wasn’t ready to risk it, so he’d been careful. Maybe he couldn’t avoid mocking her terrible taste in men, maybe he was openly possessive and jealous at times–maybe he was scared–but he only had so much self-control and he used it up on the fine line where their banter met their affection.

Well, that was then. It had been five years since Josh gained a coworker who felt like trouble whenever their eyes met for too long, and now he wasn’t sure how to talk to her, work with her, do all of the small casual things that made them them, without remembering her mouth heating up against his.

“This is silly,” Donna muttered under her breath, setting her half-eaten second slice aside. The others were arguing about policy for the new year, buzzed enough to enjoy lifting the wordless no-business-at-the-party agreement.

CJ was advocating for a National Rudolph Day–”He was a victim of bullying!”–and it wasn’t clear if she was messing with them, but the debate was heated.

"How could it be anything but silly?” Josh replied. “They’re fighting over a fictional reindeer.”

“Not that.” Donna rolled her eyes. Leaning in close, she murmured, “The other thing. You know.”

“Oh.” He frowned. “Silly how?”

“We probably shouldn’t discuss it here.” Her breath was tickling his ear; he had to agree it wasn’t the most productive venue.

“I’ll get the next round,” Josh announced, knowing he wouldn’t need to give her a nudge or a hint. Donna always knew.

“I’ll go with,” she declared.

“Okay, but that’s it for me,” CJ told the group. “One more and then I have to get back to my office.” The halfhearted groans followed Josh and Donna as they made their way to the bar.

“Spill it,” he said as soon as they were out of earshot.

“It’s ridiculous that we’re pretending nothing happened,” she told him.

He signaled to the bartender, who started working on the drinks. “How is it ridiculous? It seems like our best–hell, our only option.”

Josh couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice. “Anyway, isn’t that what you wanted us to do? After all, you have a boyfriend. Remember Jack?”

She looked away, struck.

“Sorry,” he said quietly, and she looked back at him, eyes shimmering.

“No, you’re right. I just thought…I don’t know what I was thinking.” Shaking her head, she willed the tears away. Stupid.

It was always with Donna that he risked losing his temper and lashing out. He hated that, because she was delicate in places and he cared so much that sometimes it came out in ‘jerk.’

“No,” he said again, “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

“You don’t say things you don’t mean.”

“That’s not true.”

She eyed him skeptically as their drinks were brought over. “Oh really? When was the last time you said something and you didn’t mean it?”

Caught, Josh looked flustered. “When I said tonight was just a Christmas fluke,” he admitted, staying by the bar instead of grabbing the tray.

Her eyes narrowed, but he wasn’t lying. It was Josh; she could tell the difference.

So if tonight mattered to both of them…if tonight changed things for both of them…what did that mean?

They carried the drinks back in silence. The rest of their little group was winding down, either growing quiet and contemplative like them or too caught up in individual conversation to keep up the party.

“You heading home?” Josh asked her when she finished her drink. “I could walk you.”

“Um. Sure. That’d be nice,” she said, trying not give away how happy the idea made her.

He smiled at CJ and waited while Donna slid out of the booth. “Try not to work too hard tonight, okay? I’ll be back in the West Wing after I see Donna home, if you need me.”

CJ nodded, sipping her last beer next to where he stood.

“Here.” He helped Donna into her coat.

“Thanks,” she murmured after turning around, eyes locked on his.

Maybe he lingered just a little longer than necessary, lifting her hair off her neck to tug it free of the collar, his fingers brushing her bare skin–but he didn’t mean to attract attention.

“Get a room,” a stranger joked as he squeezed by them.

CJ grabbed Josh by the end of his loosened tie to get his attention. “Do not get a room.” She never missed a beat. He wondered what–and how–she knew about tonight.

“No idea what you’re getting at,” he replied with measured casualness. “I’m just walking Donna home.”

“Josh…”

“CJ. It’s Donna.”

“Exactly.”

He couldn’t quite keep the whine out of his voice. “CJ…”

Relenting, she set her beer aside to half-hug him. “Just be careful, mi amor. You get a little sloppy when you’re drunk.”

“Not drunk.” He kissed her cheek. “Promise.”

Josh turned to Donna. “Ready?”

“Yep. See you,” she said to CJ without making eye contact, knowing the glint she would see in her friend’s eye.

The air was icy when they stepped outside, the night sky still clouded. Josh waited until they had almost reached her building before risking conversation in the cold. “It wasn’t too bad, was it?”

“What?” She turned to face him as they arrived at her place.

“Your night. As consolation prizes go, you got to hang out with your friends, you got snowmen and other festivities, along with beer and pizza. I mean, I know it wasn’t what you wanted, but…” He looked at her through his lashes, like someone afraid of hope. “But it wasn’t terrible. Right?”

“No. No, Josh, it wasn’t terrible.” That little boy softness that he carried around his mouth and eyes always tugged at her heart. She took a step toward him, offering him a smile. “It was nice.”

“I’m glad.” His relief was palpable, as though he felt like her potentially ruined holiday would be on him.

Silence stretched out between them, somehow both awkward and comfortable, while it started to snow again.

“So, thanks for walking me home,” she said, twisting her fingers together. “I should probably get inside.”

“Right. Right! It’s cold out,” he agreed, as though he’d only just realized that fact. “You should head up.”

He leaned in, and she stepped forward, so that they could hug goodbye.

How was it that they always fit so perfectly? He rested his face in the curve of her neck, both of them remembering a similar Christmas moment that was so long ago it could’ve been from another lifetime.

Back then, it was easy to be affectionate without making more out of it. Now, her hands curled around his back, then moved up to his shoulders, holding on.

Getting this close was a mistake. He was the one who retreated first, reluctantly, their cheeks bumping as he did.

Their mouths were so close for a fraction of a second that it made her ache. Her fingers flexed on his shoulders. All she wanted to do was close the distance again. She knew exactly how it would feel; how he would touch her hair, his warm eyes open and watching her.

Instead, Josh’s eyes were closed as he moved away. The effort that it took was etched across his face.

No, they couldn’t go back.

“Have a good night, Josh,” Donna said, sighing. “I’d better go. I have to call Jack.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. There’s a conversation we need to have that he’s not going to like very much.”

Josh froze. “Really?”

“Mm-hmm.” She nodded, her smile a little shy around the edges. Donna was brave enough to have hired herself onto a presidential campaign full of strangers; he couldn’t remember her ever looking shy before. It made him feel better, since he was terrified about what came next.

“Well, I’m gonna head back to the White House. Leo’s spending the night on the phone and I said I’d help out. I guess…he and I need to have a conversation, too.”

“Okay.” She took his hand, just to squeeze it, then left.

He waited until she was halfway up the stairs, knowing it would be hard to say it to her face, and impossible to stop touching her if he started. “Hey, Donna.”

She turned back. “Yes, Josh?”

“I’m really glad you got stuck here tonight.”

He watched her eyes light up as the falling snow swirled between them.

“Me too.”

“Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas.” She ducked her head, grinning as she shut the door.

Humming a festive tune, Josh turned and walked back in the direction of the Hawk and Dove, hailing the next cab he saw.

“The White House, thanks.”

He caught a glimpse in the rearview mirror of the slightly besotted look on his face. “And a happy New Year,” Josh sang softly, deciding to thank Toby personally for the mistletoe.

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