#god.....i miss having friends lol like man sometimes it's just rly lonely | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gracilicorpus · 5 months

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It’s so funny to me that you can go through years of TRAUMA , but as soon as you gain the weight back people never ask you how you feel again or how your days been or like care for you? I understand why people get sickly thin like that’s the only way you get attention and people caring for you.

I’m living alone and I’m going to start my weight lost journey , I’m not even fat or anything, I’m very strong actually cuz I have been hitting the gym for a while and I look very good ngl, like I look “womengly” lol

But I really really badly want to model like realllly bad , that’s been my dream for the longest and I’m really striving for it this time, if I want to model I have to lose like 20 pounds, I have curves so they gotta go, I’m calling it now(yea I know I’m delusional) but my goal is that next winter I will be modeling for diesel( yes yes I know I’m delusional lool, let me be), but that is my goal!!

Living alone has caused me to purge a lot, I binge and purge but that’s to expensive and I have to stop doing that. I’m literally so fkn broke lool #yeycollagelife, but I’m gonna aim to eat 1000 kcal and do as minimum exercise as possible, if I want to eat more I’ll have to walk 10 000 steps, so yeah that my goal and I will make it by may!

I was thinking to seek therapy because living alone has really showed me how fkn fkd in the head I am, like I’m sooo weird man💀 living alone is so scary because I can just do the bad things I have always been wanting to do at home, like I can just openly purge and stuff without locking the wc door or turning the shower on, but I’m so lonely man, I genuinely hate myself and I just want to like me okey and normal, I really thought my problems would go away after I moved but they just in my head, it’s even worse now because I can’t even get my sadness or madness out anywhere, I’m constantly waking around with a lump in my throat, I miss living with my friend because then my eating became so natural, now it’s just rly bad again and I’m either eating to little or binging, it’s just a rlly big problem and I feel so disgusting and ugly and I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ! Like what am I even doing like I’m FKN TRYING why can’t I just be fkn better when I’m actually fkn trying

No one will obv read this but this is me just ranting if someone did lol, this embarrassing af lol, no but ehmmm the only guy I ever liked I decided to push away ! Yeeey like he made me better , I wanted to be better for him and then I was like “nah he ain’t all that” and now I miss him and regret it:) Yey love my decisions

Literally want to just end it all, like I’m such a bad bad bad person. I was thinking maybe overdosing , but it just so mean to my parents, I don’t know what my dad would do like would he be mad at me or like would he become depressed again ? My mom would she like cry everyday forever or would she be strong for her other children. My sister? Would she be happier without me? It feels like she would, by brother they are still young they would probably forget me ina couple years, but like my best friend maaaan I miss living with her , I do think I love her more than she loves me but I’m okey with that because she’s my safe person, when thing were shit home I had her always and she had me, like what would she do? Would she maybe have a picture of me as her lock screen ? Or maybe listen to a song on repeat that she knows I liked ? Honestly I’m really trying for my family and my best friend but I’m just wondering if it’s normal to be this miserable so long, like I’m grown soon and I’m still so out of it, never been in a relationship, never have I done anything out of my comfort zone, I’m just so like I’m just filling up space for no reason, did God make a mistake putting me here, it feels like that,

But yeah mm I’ll update this page, I have no one to talk to so I’ll just post my thought here sometimes :) yeah

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