#got all stinky and angry AND you got the trailer anyway

[mj1343]

this may shock you but as someone who was there live for the finale of Gnome Saga: there were bait and switches in HLVRAI and Gnome Saga

like can you really use "well i only watch hlvrai not the rest of rtvs so i didnt know they bait and switch" when they bait and switch in extended hlvrai media in the past. be so fr. be so fr with me rn

god forbid the series that started as a dumb gmod roleplay for waynes like 200 viewers that got very lucky and happened to explode to an audience of thousands only around mid act 2-3's sequel was announced with.. a dumb gmod roleplay

rtvs does not owe you shit and you ended up getting hl2vrai anyway. they could have easily just done bbvrai and they woulda loved it but the tumblrfied audience that comes with going from 200 small viewers to 5000 fandom kids means people expect it to be tailor perfect and get pouty when its not immediately spoonfed

"I only watch hlvrai not rtvs" hl2vrai comes out next year at the earliest. while you wait, try watching. litereally anything else theyve made. step out of your bubble of rewriting half life characters to be wildly different from source material and kiss and just. see what other dumb shit they do. maybe thatll prepare you for hl2 and you wont cross your arms and huff and pout when you dont get exactly what you want immediately and maybe enjoy yourselves mkay? mkay

#hlvrai #hl2vrai #bbvrai #rtvs #wayneradiotv #god damn i missed a bunch of the stream and i come back expecting everyone to be giggling and excited about the trailer dropping #and everyones just angry #PLEASE get used to it #and get over urselves #got all stinky and angry AND you got the trailer anyway

[samandmaxanotherway]

i had planned forever ago to make a full fan soundtrack for AW (fic) but then never finished it/lost in interest in trying to find songs, so i figured instead that i would just share the songs tht were as insp for me while writing AW instead!! bc hey, why not lol. im just listing these in order on my playlist BUT im also gonna give context as to why these songs were insp if/when possible which will have spoilers to AW but tbh im assuming if ur traversing this blog u’ve already read it gkjhg. songs listed under the cut!!

-kira 

ok so this was being written when i was like. rlly into hadestown & i kept making connections between the story & the songs sOOOOO we’re gonna list all the hadestown songs first gkjfhg

Doubt Comes In (mostly for the scene prior to sam’s revival, where max is questioning if he’ll even get him back)

Epic II (sort of like a song to depict max’s feelings of isolation & anger toward sam growing distant from him over the years)

Wait For Me (BIG song for sam whenever max loses his brain......)

Hey, Little Songbird (this song reminds me of the scene where skunkape’s trying to convince max to side w/ him ok)

Chant (Reprise) (listened to this song w/ the mental image of everyone pulling together to make their final move (primarily whenever sam’s fighting skunkape/trying to stop the maimtron to save max) & also specifically imagined this w/ sam as orpheus, superego as eurydice & skunkape as hades so ✌)

Epic III (takes place aFTER sam gets revived & idk i associate this w/ sam confessing that he got scared of losing max & that he let it consume him to the point of it damaging their relationship & apologizing to max for kinda neglecting him)

Wait For Me (Reprise) (u know damn well this happens between sam & superego before sam goes to stop the maimtron from killing max)

ok now we’re done w/ hadestown here’s some other songs now lmaO

I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie (during the scene w/ sam & superego as sam’s fading away........idk im emo 😔)

I’d Give Anything - Tangled (sam song, specifically during the week or so when max is a monster & he misses him a lot)

Far Away - Tyga (I ASSOCIATE THis mostly with the part where sam finds out max had his brain removed, actually the pic for tht part is named after this song lmao)

I Bet My Life - Imagine Dragons (overall just a sam song, more leaning to right before he goes to skunkape’s ship to stop the maimtron)

Caraphernelia - Pierce The Veil (max song, post-breaking up w/ sam. it’s his angry break-up song basicall y gkJKHGKJGH)

Sleepwalking - Elliot Lee (also a max song, upset abt his rocky relationship w/ sam :( )

Better Than Me - Hinder (SAM SONG, lamenting abt the fact tht he realizes its mostly his fault tht him & max broke up & how he believes max deserves better than him. mostly during the week where max is mia bc Giant Monster)

Come Hang Out - AJR (this is mostly pre-AW but it kinda fits w/ sam progressively growing more distant bc he’s trying so hard to be careful)

Zombie - Damned Anthem (not really fitting for anything tbh but i DID listen to this song while writing skunkape attacking max & it WAS almost the trailer song as well so there’s that lol)

Sink or Swim - Castor Troy (i think is insp primarily bc of /scourgadow’s awesome s&m edits but i do remember listening to it on a loop while writing sam going through his ‘trial’ for the chthonic destroyer)

Main Theme - Pacific Rim (associate this a lot w/ the overall part when max is a monster)

Miracle - The Score (hhEY i’ve rbed this song on this blog before gkjfhgj. yeah this is a sam song, specifically during the week when max is a monster)

A Violent Encounter & Revived Power - Chris Baines (u already know damn well what this is for but i’ll say it anyway; whenever sammy’s scaling maxthulu. shadow of the elder god babey /j)

The Forgotten Children - Aranzazu Calleja (its the trailer sonnngggggg)

Army of One - Shelby Merry (i think i listened to this on a loop at some point, & also its a girl stinky song)

Saving Metroville - The Incredibles (put this bad boy on a loop while writing sam & stinky going up against skunkape bc it is, in my opinion, one of the hardest hitting final fight osts)

Happier - Marshmello ft. Bastille (sam song, specifically for the beginning chapter when he decides to break up w/ max bc all theyre doing is fighting....)

Trying to Save Stitch - Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch (this is during the part when max is transforming into a monster!!!!)

#music #another way fanfic #ask to tag //

[romolawrites]

Nicotine

What better title than the thing I’m craving most right now?

That’s right, your girl’s attempting to quit smoking cigarettes. For a while I was smoking cigars, and I was able to quit that and switch to cigarettes. Then I switched to only American Spirit organic cigarettes (I know, SO much healthier for you!) and now my goal is to stop smoking totally -- except a cigarette here and there when I drink, because duh.

I really do enjoy smoking. I always wanted to smoke, actually -- from the time I was a kid... Big dreamer, right? I remember being 8 years old, walking around outside with a blade of grass in my mouth, lighting it on fire and pretending to take a drag off of it. I also remember my very first cigarette: 8th grade, the day of a big basketball game, I went to one of my friend’s houses (for the sake of the story I typed ‘friend’, when really I’m not sure why I was randomly hanging out with this girl because we weren’t even friends) and she smoked cigarettes already.

In fact, she did a lot of things already. I remember being mortified when she told me her boyfriend would have sex with her without a condom and then finish in her mouth. I was SUCH a “prude” -- always have been -- and I remember staring at her with a mixture of shock, awe, and disgust when she told me this... But it didn’t stop me from taking a drag from her cigarette when she offered it to me. Or when she offered to sell me a whole pack. I was ecstatic. Being a pretty sheltered kid, I would never have had the opportunity to buy a pack of cigarettes on my own. So I took her up on it and we walked around our small town in broad daylight puffing cigarettes. She showed me how they were turning her nails yellow. Still didn’t deter me.

In fact, I smoked the whole fucking pack of cigarettes that day. I felt so cool... So cool, that is, until I literally passed out behind the bleachers at the basketball game later that night and had a headache for about a week.

I never tried them again after that. Not for a long, long time. I always wanted to, but I was so afraid of being seen as “trashy”. That’s been one of my long held anxieties about others’ perception of me. Please don’t let them think I’m a trashy person, I would always think to myself. Or, “Well, I’m ugly but at least I’m not trashy.” I don’t know why. I think it was a mixture of being from the Deep South, Bible Belt, growing up in a trailer, etc. that made me so conscious of it, or maybe it was my mother’s judgement of others and the way she threw the word around about others. Anyway it stopped me from having another cigarette for some ten or eleven years.

When I met my old friend Alaynna, I was shocked to learn she smoked cigarettes because, well, she came across as so dang CLASSY, and she chain smoked the damn things. She was insanely intelligent, well spoken, well dressed, clean, pretty, elegant, etc., etc. and yet she smoked cigarettes, as did two of her clean, elegant, pretty, smart sisters. So sometimes when we would hang out, I would bum a few cigarettes and I loved it. But it wasn’t until about two years later that I finally bought my own pack and deliberately picked up the habit of smoking.

I loved it, enjoyed every single one I lit up. Then, I met the love of my life, and a lot of the people around him smoked Black and Milds, and he preferred my smoking them over cigarettes for some reason, so I started smoking those heavily.

I remember smoking a whole pack and them making me so sick I literally prayed to God to save me from the pain and, in exchange, I would never smoke them again. It was a promise. I rationalized breaking this promise to God the next day by reminding myself that He didn’t technically “take away the pain” because I still felt sick all night. So I lit another up the next morning without guilt because I assumed He hadn’t been interested in my deal.

Zakk and I began trying to have a baby because -- we claimed -- we were sick of living the way we were living. I mean, we had a lot of reasons why we wanted a baby, of course. But I do distinctly remember one of those reasons being that I wanted to stop smoking and this would help. Haha. That’s funny. Because I did quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant, and I hated it. I missed smoking so much. I craved cigarettes and cigars all the time -- and it didn’t help that Zakk told me he would stop smoking them but didn’t. And I don’t blame him. He didn’t have a baby inside him to make him stop -- because I know I sure as hell wouldn’t have stopped if I hadn’t gotten pregnant.

But, God, were those days rough sometimes. I wanted a cigarette or a cigar so bad, but any time I smelled him or his brother smoking one it made me sooo sick and angry. Gave me headaches. Oh, the joy of pregnancy nose and stomach. Haha.

So, yes, I quit for about nine months. All fine and dandy, except it had the opposite effect than what I had planned. All it did was make me more determined to be a heavier smoker. I daydreamed about buying a pack after I had my baby. I even had the exact pack picked out: the indigo American Spirits. And, three days after the birth of our son, we were in a Kangaroo buying that very pack for me and a pack of Marlboro 72s for Zakk.

Our son was in the NICU for about a week and we were not allowed to take him home with us. That’s a story for another post, but needless to say it was a stressful time and I am actually glad I had the cigarettes to help me cope. And, boy, did I fucking cope. I enjoyed every hit I took. It was wondrous. And it has been great this whole time, honestly.

But, finally, I’m sick of what it’s doing to me.

When I first started smoking again, I was obsessive about being careful with it for Zakkary’s sake. If we smoked, I would shower, brush my teeth, use Germ-X, change my clothes, and pressure Zakk to do all of the above as well. Then, of course, I started getting more lax about it. Not worrying so much. And I know he has been breathing it in. Tennessee has horrible air quality as it is, and now I’m forcing my baby to breathe in cigarette smoke? I felt awful. I remembered telling Zakk I wanted an air purifier for the baby so he would have fresh air to breathe, and now I’m basically poisoning him.

Not to mention, Mommy always smells like ash and has developed a major smoker’s cough. I used to tell myself I would never cough like other smokers I heard, that I would quit immediately if it happened. But here I’ve been, hacking up my lungs every day, sounding and smelling like an old sailor. And my son would sometimes copy my coughing, and although it was adorable, it was sad. Not the aesthetic I was going for, believe me. Plus, Lord do I waste a lot of time and money on them.

So, here I am. I made my obligatory social media post about quitting, got my likes and supportive comments, and **YAY** didn’t smoke at all yesterday. I even turned down a cigarette when I could have easily said, “Oh, okay, one more, or maybe one more pack, or just one more week...” I did do that for a while. But I am committed to quitting now! Like I said, here or there, with a drink or two, I’m sure I will hit a cigarette. Whatever. I’m cool with that. But my days of daily smoking almost a pack a day are gone. My days of coughing constantly, dry skin, dry mouth and stinky breath, sitting outside chain smoking when I have a million things I want/need to do... OVER. My days of stressing over when Zakkary is going to nap so I can go outside to smoke are DONE. I am present, I am healthy, and i have a raging fucking headache from nicotine withdrawals... And I’m glad to have it! :)