#has simply blocked and not brought back after a social media blackout; i've stayed. i genuinely believe he wants to be friends and i am

[drowning-in-neon]

yeah it’s another vent in the tags post sorry lmao ill try and spam reblog stuff to make up for it

#vents #i've just been missing a lot lately. like. memories and places and people and shit. #i really miss my cat #but i also miss seph (name changed for privacy) like. a lot. and that's almost worse than missing my cat #because at least with her; yeah of course i miss her and it's normal even if it sucks ass but with seph; missing them is almost worse #because i also end up so pissed off that i miss them because jesus christ. i love them so godamn much and things aren't the way they used to #be; which is arguably a good thing - they've grown so much and have come so far and are living their best life and i'm happy for them #for that; but despite still seeming to want to be friends they don't feel the way they used to for me and they are allowed not to but it #fucking hurts like hell to be the one who still loves him so goddamn much and somehow be unable to get over it. like. i want to get over him #so bad; so i can just let myself be friends with him without all sorts of little things reminding me of the pain but nothing seems to work #i've tried going on dates with other people and just generally trying to see other people; i've tried journaling and i've tried all sorts of #shit and nothing works. and i can't bring myself to step away either because like. one i don't think it's gonna work because even #though seph has BPD spells where he splits and blocks everyone on social media - sometimes for months on end - it never #helped; i still felt exactly the same after a separation like that. so even that doens't work and even if it did work i wouldn't want to do #it because i'm just. i'm afraid i'll lose them. i'm afraid thta one of these separations; whether by him or by me; it'll be the last time #hell i just went to instagram and found out that his account was private and i somehow wasn't following him anymore so i'm assuming i just #missed another split. but he genuinely seems to want to stay friends; if only for the fact he always comes back. despite how many people he #has simply blocked and not brought back after a social media blackout; i've stayed. i genuinely believe he wants to be friends and i am #okay with that; i want that too; i don't want to imagine a world that he isn't in. but it hurts. i don't try and force it because that's #fucked up but even so; it's hard to let myself enjoy a friendship when i'm still heartbroken that it isn't the same connection we used to #have. i wish i could just forget but i can't; every time i think i've gotten over him; every time i think 'oh hey i havent been #in much pain about seph lately; i think i've finally moved on hell yeah' my stupid brain is like SYKE lmao you dumbass you really thought #you were done? nope every little fucking thing reminds you of him and it's gonna still hurt because like. fuck you that's why #and some nights i just can't stop thinking about all the littlest damn things. the way he took a greyhound nine hours just to come visit me #in person for the first time after we connected so deeply on fucking faecbook dating of all places; the way we were so awkward #sitting at a booth in a pizza and bar combo place that night; the way he would tease me about how i tasted like castor oil because i was #trying to solve a bad case of chapped lips but even so he couldn't stop kissing me; the way his eyes sparkled every time he got passionate #about music; sitting at his feet while he wrote a short poem in golden marker on my brand new guitar #and it. it just hurts. and i wish it was the way it used to be. but i also don't because he's so much healthier now. i guess i just wish i #could have the good stuff but not keep the bad. i dunno. it just hurts. i miss him so fucking much and i hate it.