#hell even im guilty of this to an extent and have to catch myself and ask why i think someones behavior is 'funny'

[casinocircus]

I've been thinking about that post that's like hey don't think autism is destigmatized irl just because there's memes on this website about "my autism beam" or whatever and Ykw?? Guys, it's not even hard to see how much people still love dogging on autistic people for being "weird" all over the entire internet! Even on here!! A lot of people still see us as the people they're allowed to bully for no reason, and while I'm glad there's been some positive change over the years, we still need to work towards getting people to unpack why they think some people are ok targets, and how most of the time it's ableism.

#casinos whining hour #ableism #autism #asd #hell even im guilty of this to an extent and have to catch myself and ask why i think someones behavior is 'funny' #like if its coming from an ok place or not or if i need to examine further #a lot of things we picked up when we were younger was from copying other people to fit in and that came with stuff we need to do away with

[tamiddyinyourcity]

5:25pm.

Seaweed.

Saturday, May 23rd of 2020.

Yikes.

How am I doing?

I'm chilling so far.

For the most part.

Some cool life updates:

My eating disorder is returning. I already knew it was, when I saw my waistline in the mirror before. (Not gonna lie, its super impressive.... but, I am happy with myself whether I have a pouch, or something flat, so its not me glorifying an ED and moreso me just always wanting to constantly fuck myself. Still no homo, though.)

I would eat but like........ life is hard. Eugh. Eugh. Eugh. Eugh. Eugh. Eugh. Its just me walking to the fridge, seeing the meat and cheese that I hate touching, (Autism-related disdain and disgust for certain textures and whatnot.... Meat is slimy and cold and greasy, cheese feels like that but with a clay like texture.... gross, man,) and then cringe at preparing a sandwich. Then seeing the sugar filled applesauce my mom got me, (bless her for that,) that I sadly cannot eat, since my tastebuds now absolutely loathe unnaturally sugar filled applesauce. (Sucked to realize that...) Then the mandarin cups she also got for me, that I ate so many of during the first few weeks and months of quarantine that I genuinely got sick from the taste. And the juice spills everywhere..... fuck.

Pair foods I got sick of + foods that are too sweet/slimy/weird to eat, plus low energy and depression causing even the most easily prepared stuff to seem impossible to want to bother cooking or making since I hardly feel satisfied anyway..... then you can either 1) eat the shitty Campbell's Chunky soups you've hoarded, which taste and smell like pure vomit and even make you feel ill to a dramatic extent, and just enjoy the mild satisfaction of a somewhat full stomach for the few hours before you start getting nauseous again, or 2) starve.

There's also the point of "not eating, because eating the foods I prepared or hoarded means unnecessarily wasting my EMERGENCY food", and hence, preferring myself to starve. (I did meal prep today, but I eat when I want to feel joy, so like...... starvation versus eating four to six days worth of pancakes and eggs in one single day.)

Plus, I loathe washing dishes. So if eating ultimately has the side effect of needing to scrub a dish every single fucking time I indulge in something, and touching the gross soggy wet kitchen sponge..... then I'd much sooner die. (Hence why I'm starving myself as opposed to eating.)

And eating food bought for me makes me feel like a burden, if I do eat all of it eventually and need to ask for more to be purchased... a guilty feeling.

Ugh. All in all, no wonder I feel so low energy. I can barely get energy or joy past one microwaved bowl of brown rice, and vomit scented mystery goops from the canned section of Target.

Life is hard, honestly.

......

5:37pm.

Decided not to put the TV in my bedroom. I don't watch TV. Twitter delivers news and updates every ten seconds. Hell, one day Lana Del Ray was outed as a racist, the next day, Doja Cat was outed as ALSO a racist, and for dating a rapist. Someone accused Hillary Duff of being a sex trafficker when the clock struck midnight yesterday. Shit is fucked out here.

With the type of shit people say and spread online already delivering its way to me and millions of others rapid speed, fuck would I need TV for?

Plus, I don't have a Switch to plug into my TV and game with.... sad. :/

Hmmmm....

I talked to Cam the other night.

We were tryna watch Blade Runner, aaaaaand it kept freezing, so sadly I didn't get to have the movie night with them. What a shame, they seemed so cheery too! Aww. :(

We still spent the rest of the night talking, though. I don't think of anything in particular, just passive shit like Twitter and video games. Still, you won't catch me complaining about happily bonding with a person I dig till its midnight lmfaooooo.

Oh shit, i almost fainted lmfaoooooo okay im gonna make myself eat the food i prepped without guilt

Not sure how Cam feels about me. Not like I'm in a rush to ask him, since I'm pretty sure he's completely fine being single. And he mentioned wanting to be just friends due to his lack of experience, so therefore, I should just take it as positive friendly bonding, and simmer down.

....

Still a pretty good feeling, though.

Noice.

5:48pm. Gonna eat. The cool jazz nerds haven't come out today. So disappointing. Peace yalls.