#hell one of the things we went thru together. reacted differently and affected differently cause slightly different situations.

[medicaltechnician]

idk if its the late nights and lack of activity (my own fault) but i’ve been feeling like i need out of this friend group more and more. Idk what it is (i do, it just seems… petty and stupid. And just seems like a me problem not a them problem.)

problem ofc is that, there are a couple people i like as friends in the group. hell fuck i love them all and don’t want them out of my life completely. sort of wish that I didn’t have my ex out of my life completely. Maybe one day we can reconnect. But we both have to be more mature for that. We both need more growth. No idea how he’s doing.

I feel like I villified him a bit in my brain. Which was urged by my closest friend. Who I trust with my life so. (this was after I confessed maybe I have problems with him to to this friend. which was valid). Idk, people approach things differently. And I agree’d with my friend.

I think its a problem with how I talk. I guess I come off in absolutes? Idk. I give off, strange vibes when I talk. This tangent makes no sense to anybody but me.

But also, can’t just, drop em? They’re sort of my only friend group. It ain’t like I get out and about. I don’t mesh well with people. It sort of sucks that the most I’ve meshed well with is my ex, my bestie, and another friend. My ex is no contact so fuck me ig. My bestie is pre-occupied with other things and personally, I feel we’ve drifted a bit. I’m not too bothered by it? It’s neither of our faults, just taking different life paths. Also going from complete co-dependency to what we have now. What we have now is probably just normal friendship lmao. And then the other friend is a couple years younger than me, so obviously they do have their set of friends within their age group. Which I encourage them hanging out, like obviously. I see myself as more of an older brother figure ig. Try to part some wisdom I’ve gained. Then theres my crush and obviouslt rhats a mess, I wish I never had a crush on him so we could have a normal relationship. I wish I could have friends?? Idk. what am I talking bout?

So, yeah. I need to get out of the house more often so I can meet like-minded people (in the creative and path sense) so I can actually do the things I want to do. I don’t even need to be a producer or lead or director. Fuck I’m happy starting from the bottom and working my way up. (Ideal situation is mainly being on equal footing. I want people to give their input and ideas to my ideas, and vise versa)

#ker talks #it’s strange nowadays i feel like when i reach out im being annoying or smth #whether im reaching out for positive stuff or negative #when i do i rarely get a satisfactory response in my mind. feels like i’m being brushed off. #or ya know i’d like to hold a conversation thats got some meat to it? but it fizzles out #shit wondering if my bestie even wants to talk to me. #last time I came over I was hoping to watch jerma together and we did-ish. he sort of was textin/interacting with his crush #or just on his phone idk. call me a boomer but it bugs me when people r on their phone in a one on one situation #I understand if it’s a bigger group or if ya just checking it #but it seemed fuckin constant. it sucked. shit. #its worse when we get high together esp since i only get high alone so i tend to scroll a bit too #but itd be nice if when we got high we did stuff together esp in person next time we hang out i’ll keep note of this stuff and bring it up #just to make sure i aint making it up. esp cause i feel like im being stupidly jealous bout this #i see him interact with others? whats different bout me. he said he feels comfortable actually unmasking round me #and i know interaction drains him and fuck he went through so much and is trying his hardest to stay alive and sane rn #so idk i dont want to put more on his plate. but its fucking me up a bit too. #hell one of the things we went thru together. reacted differently and affected differently cause slightly different situations. #its honestly one of my working theories on why we drifted cause we keep reminding eachother of that night by interacting. #it sucks. alot. i dont want to be reminded of my failures. of the fact it traumatized him so fuckinf deeply and i failed. #and then i feel guilty for even feeling like shit bout the event cause i didnt have /that/ happen to me i just happrned to be there. #i need a goddamn professional to sort this out. it sucks ass. and i hate that it fuels my self hate #both to do with my inability to protect and feeling insignificant. overshadowed. thats the worse feeling of it all.