#its worse when we get high together esp since i only get high alone so i tend to scroll a bit too

[medicaltechnician]

idk if its the late nights and lack of activity (my own fault) but i’ve been feeling like i need out of this friend group more and more. Idk what it is (i do, it just seems… petty and stupid. And just seems like a me problem not a them problem.)

problem ofc is that, there are a couple people i like as friends in the group. hell fuck i love them all and don’t want them out of my life completely. sort of wish that I didn’t have my ex out of my life completely. Maybe one day we can reconnect. But we both have to be more mature for that. We both need more growth. No idea how he’s doing.

I feel like I villified him a bit in my brain. Which was urged by my closest friend. Who I trust with my life so. (this was after I confessed maybe I have problems with him to to this friend. which was valid). Idk, people approach things differently. And I agree’d with my friend.

I think its a problem with how I talk. I guess I come off in absolutes? Idk. I give off, strange vibes when I talk. This tangent makes no sense to anybody but me.

But also, can’t just, drop em? They’re sort of my only friend group. It ain’t like I get out and about. I don’t mesh well with people. It sort of sucks that the most I’ve meshed well with is my ex, my bestie, and another friend. My ex is no contact so fuck me ig. My bestie is pre-occupied with other things and personally, I feel we’ve drifted a bit. I’m not too bothered by it? It’s neither of our faults, just taking different life paths. Also going from complete co-dependency to what we have now. What we have now is probably just normal friendship lmao. And then the other friend is a couple years younger than me, so obviously they do have their set of friends within their age group. Which I encourage them hanging out, like obviously. I see myself as more of an older brother figure ig. Try to part some wisdom I’ve gained. Then theres my crush and obviouslt rhats a mess, I wish I never had a crush on him so we could have a normal relationship. I wish I could have friends?? Idk. what am I talking bout?

So, yeah. I need to get out of the house more often so I can meet like-minded people (in the creative and path sense) so I can actually do the things I want to do. I don’t even need to be a producer or lead or director. Fuck I’m happy starting from the bottom and working my way up. (Ideal situation is mainly being on equal footing. I want people to give their input and ideas to my ideas, and vise versa)

#ker talks #it’s strange nowadays i feel like when i reach out im being annoying or smth #whether im reaching out for positive stuff or negative #when i do i rarely get a satisfactory response in my mind. feels like i’m being brushed off. #or ya know i’d like to hold a conversation thats got some meat to it? but it fizzles out #shit wondering if my bestie even wants to talk to me. #last time I came over I was hoping to watch jerma together and we did-ish. he sort of was textin/interacting with his crush #or just on his phone idk. call me a boomer but it bugs me when people r on their phone in a one on one situation #I understand if it’s a bigger group or if ya just checking it #but it seemed fuckin constant. it sucked. shit. #its worse when we get high together esp since i only get high alone so i tend to scroll a bit too #but itd be nice if when we got high we did stuff together esp in person next time we hang out i’ll keep note of this stuff and bring it up #just to make sure i aint making it up. esp cause i feel like im being stupidly jealous bout this #i see him interact with others? whats different bout me. he said he feels comfortable actually unmasking round me #and i know interaction drains him and fuck he went through so much and is trying his hardest to stay alive and sane rn #so idk i dont want to put more on his plate. but its fucking me up a bit too. #hell one of the things we went thru together. reacted differently and affected differently cause slightly different situations. #its honestly one of my working theories on why we drifted cause we keep reminding eachother of that night by interacting. #it sucks. alot. i dont want to be reminded of my failures. of the fact it traumatized him so fuckinf deeply and i failed. #and then i feel guilty for even feeling like shit bout the event cause i didnt have /that/ happen to me i just happrned to be there. #i need a goddamn professional to sort this out. it sucks ass. and i hate that it fuels my self hate #both to do with my inability to protect and feeling insignificant. overshadowed. thats the worse feeling of it all.

[nozomijoestar]

Going off this I have at least Catra's Persona solidified rn and the Arcana type I'm going with is Death as well as Fire/Physical element and attack style below (TWs: suicidal thoughts and horror imagery for the Shadow section):

Persona: Shiva, Hindu god of destruction and often seen as a benevolent, at times self sacrificial bringer of change and rebirth in the destruction he leaves behind, though he also possesses a fierce temper against evildoers (he's also the god/deva of several other things but those are his common associations, the main theme I wanted to convey is the Hindu association of Destruction = New Regrowth instead of destruction inherently being seen as bad as in many European Western beliefs and I think this matches Catra's arc & the Death Arcana perfectly aside from being a view I agree with)

Base Weapon type: Bows

Ultimate Weapon: Pinaka, the bow belonging to Shiva used to reset creation with a single arrow (it's a spear for some reason in P3 for Ken but for her I'm going with the bow) in terms of game stats its effect is more like +10 to all stats & high chance of inflicting Burn

Spell/Skill Progression:

- Agi through Agidyne spell tree to Blazing Hell

- Dekaja for buff dispelling

- Makarakarn so while she's weakening enemies with Dekaja she protects her allies from magic

- Charge, bc those Physical attacks aren't gonna buff themselves and she's the type to attack with all she has given the chance

- Fire Break, standard for any Fire user

- Tetraja, another skill based around protecting others from insta kills

- God's Hand, one of the best Phys. skills and more in line with Catra's hand to hand fighting over using weapons

- Attack Master, it's Catra, this has her written all over it (however it didn't exist before P5 apparently so if Pre-P5 I would replace it with Tarukaja which is the same thing just not automatic)

- Matarukaja, same as above ^ but for whole party

- Arrow Rain, Phys attk

- Diarahan, but no Mediarahan later on just bc I think single target healing matches better with her case by case mental view on helping others at least within what we see in Spop

- Fire Amp, another standard for Fire types

- Primal Force, Phys attk

- Pralaya, Phys attk and an attk associative with Shiva himself including in other iterations of Persona

Social Link (P5 may have renamed them Confidant but the old name is better bye Atlus lol):

Her SL story is very much in line with her original Spop self; wronged by her upbringing, neglected by society and considered inferior when ppl compare her esp to the only person she truly loves, she's impulsive and self destructive despite wanting better- her arc would revolve around giving her the resolve to climb out of the negative pit she's dug for her life and changing to feel better self worth and worthy of others esp Adora (how exactly I'm not sure rn but the idea is there)

If going by the traditional HS setting for the Persona games she's a second year student (16) where Adora is a third year (iirc Noelle said Adora is older by a year or somth but if not then they're the same age) who could either be a legit third year who still hangs with her a lot since they grew up together OR they still grew up together but they're in the same second year class bc Adora is supposed to be a third year either legit or through grade skipping but she could've declined a grade skip or failed to advance likely bc of something that happened between her and Catra that made her fear Catra's safety or simply not wanting to be alone etc. it's very open to interpretation

Shadow Self (going more by P4 rules):

Shadow Catra embodies the worst of her negative traits and habits, openly throwing around her worst insecurities and fears particularly around abandonment, loss, and inferiority; this is made worse by the fact that it knows and mocks her for expressing it poorly through anger and self sabotaging while never making any real changes but instead forever buried in a hole she made for herself while blaming the world instead of accepting responsiblity for what she can control

It's humanoid form is the usual clone of its owner but with the gold yellow eyes and the distorted voice and the whole I Am A Shadow, The True Self when it transforms after being denied

It's real monster form is an exaggerated chimera with its neck and hands locked by a pillory, while its feet are free to move they're rendered immobile by miasma; it's second pair of arms have one hand holding an axe over its head as if about to decapitate itself while the other hand holds a bent key for the lock on the pillory, a third pair of arms have both hands clutching a heart to its chest

Shadow Symbolism:

The gruesome aspects of it reflect the severity of Catra's negative, hopeless perspective on her life and situation, feeling trapped in a spiral of abuse and shame from herself and others, wanting to escape the humiliation but unable to because she won't accept or is able to see the healthy tools and relationships that would help her, holding her emotions and heart close in protection deep beneath the anger so she won't get hurt by others even if she wants to be vulnerable with them, the chemira represents the uncertain form Catra perceived of her identity and the trauma within her interpreting herself first as an amalgamation of the negative, evil things others tell her she is until she began to believe it

The axe about to cut off its head represents her repressed feelings of thinking her death would benefit those around her, as well as the metaphorical death she must undergo to change as a person but is afraid to accept

Miscellaneous:

More of a early mid to late mid game party member for recruitment and would likely start off around lvls 45-50~ paralleling her middle to late story turn toward redemption in Spop, prior to this she'd still be an important antagonistic NPC and she'd likely be found at the back of school or an arcade to initiate dialogue and later progress her SL; EDIT: I went with Fire as her element not just because it suits her go-getter personality and temper but Fire is also viewed as sacred in various primarily Eastern religions (especially Buddhism) for symbolizing rebirth and renewal or separation from the desires holding one down from enlightenment (ie. Catra's initial desire to stay within what's familiar rather than risk the unknown in changing)

#Persona AU? Prob #spop!persona

[diana-panda]

wow I can’t even remember the last time I logged onto Tumblr. This place used to be my life, I even had to reset my password to log back on here. i’m amazed that I still have followers. looking at things I used to blog about is so bittersweet, I legitimately feel the things I felt back in the days. shit was really changed since then. been broken over and over and having to grow bigger and bigger. I decided every few years I'll make a  post, a lil update of my life so I can  continue to self reflect on the shit I wanna change. considering I know absolutely none of my followers, this is the perf place for me to just unload a bunch sack load of shit. covid was crazy this year, survived that shit and realize all those years smoking have really fucked my lungs up. today I got another call from Dahni, who I still consider as my best friend forever. one day when we both got our shit together and both thinking straight again, I know we’ll be able to be friends like we used to. I never pick up to phone numbers I don’t know but every fuckin time I randomly choose to pick up to a rando number - it’s Dahni. this is the 5th time she has called me from a mental hospital. it’s crazy, never thought my life would have be me working in a mental hospital and her coming in and out of one. after all these years, you’ve probs haven’t seen her in 3 years - but she has never ever forgot your phone number, even when she has completely lost her mind. she literally doesn't make sense when she talks. at the beginning, you sometimes understood the shit she said and understood what she meant and felt because you were that fuckin close to losing your whole damn mind before you decided to get sober. still so proud of you choosing to be sober, even after probation, even after drug tests. Dahni still remembers your literal exact address. she said she’s been sending you letters for the past 2-3 years but you haven’t seen shit, especially because you moved to Milwaukee this year. you texted daddy but he said he ain’t seen shit, probs lying, he would hide this shit from you. he always hated her but he doesn’t understand that it was actually you who got her into drugs in the first place. I pray all the time Dahni has completely lost herself or she’ll be able to return to herself again, I miss having my best friend around. after the call, you looked at oldddd ass pics like 2015 shit, yall were the craziest - up and just went to alberqueque, breaking into hotels and creating body slides out of tables and chairs in the ballroom, tripping at the trail of lights and deciding to just walk towards the Austin skyline, there were so many pics I don’t even know where we’re at. I miss that life with you dude, not giving two shits about anything and doing whatever we could to just live life. you were the one person I connect with in such a weird way. anyway 2020 was the year I had to finally grow up, and I can’t be more proud. the reason I got sober was because I was drugged then gang raped in 2016, but I have finally accepted that it happened and I am finally moving past it. your ptsd and anxiety was debilitating. months of therapy with no progress, Janet your psychologist thought the best option was drugs to calm you down but you refused, mommy had to move down to San Antonio with you, you got daddy to install security cameras around the house, you went to 3 different police stations and 2 different apple stores because you thought you were being tracked, a panic attack literally every fuckin day, you got your first gun - but damn shit has changed. I think when you got rogue, that was the start of your life changing around. you used to walk her literally only on your street but now you can walk her for hours anywhere. you got control of your own life again. texas sunshines helped you tremendously, you met a few life long friends - even though you made some besties but ended up losing them - either way, they helped you return back to your old self, the free spirit and careless golden wild beautiful soul you had. exposure therapy - that shit works. going to 6th every weekend, even a couple times a weekend helped you a lot. you had only a couple freak outs where you let your anxiety take over you but there was progress. you have grown so much the past 4 years, it’s honestly mind blowing because you used to be at rock bottom. you legit lost your mind at one point, legit rock bottom, even hearing voices and seeing shit, Janet said drug induced psychosis - but your resiliency and strong heart and soul helped you, with the help of god of course. you were in such a dark place but getting through that helped you be where you are now. but none of this could've happened without the help of your parents - they taught you the definition of unconditional love. maybe that’s why Dahni is still battling this love and hate relationship with drugs - she doesn’t have this support system like you. your parents never gave up on you dude, like how am I ever gonna repay them, because if it wasn’t for them - I'd literally be dead long ago. you still have only told a few of your close friends. Dahni and Mikayla a year after it happened. kiara, erin, and Gracie 3 years after it happened. maybe that’s all that ever has to know. this shit don’t define your life anymore girl. it sucked but you have let that shit take enough of your life. no more living in the past. you live and you learn. stop thinking of ways how you’ll somehow find these fuckers and make them pay, they’ll get what’s coming to them. I used to pray everyday these fuckers got killed and died a horrible and painful death but you’re letting them win every time you waste a second thinking about them. just be thankful you got out of that shit alive. you have this deep rooted reputation of a party girl. but never forget, daddy defended you when yall had guests over once - “yes she parties a lot, but she also studies hard too.” you’re legit a UT grad, you got into grad school - which you are killing. you’ve never been a straight A student but now you are in grad school whaaat. but you know if you studied this much and this hard during UT - you would’ve had a higher gpa, but no regrets. ever!! my time at UT was truly a blessing - it was the best time and worst time ever. that was boot camp training you to be resilient. you used to think you were being punished for having to move to Milwaukee for grad school but that was the biggest blessing in disguise. Jim howard was right, even if I did get accepted into UT’s msn program - I shouldn’t go or stay anywhere near Austin, I have too many distractions here, I would’ve failed out immediately - I need to start thinking like a healthcare provider, people’s literal lives will be in your hands. you can’t kill no one dude, losing your license will actually be the end of yo life and all this school and bullshit would’ve been for nothing. Milwaukee was rough at the beginning but you’ve grown to fall in love and appreciate its true beauty. you needed a break from Austin, it’ll always be your endgame and it aint going anywhere. you got to start over, start fresh, grow up, it was exactly what you needed. Milwaukee was the place where you defeated your ptsd, your annoying anxiety - I mean yeah sometimes you do psych yourself out but you have made the craziest progress, even Janet is so surprised and proud of you! you fuckin live alone and do a damn good job of it. but it wouldn’t have happened without Lola. rogue saved you 4 years ago and now Lola has saved you. they are both fuckin wild and misbehaving, but I am sooooo thankful I have them in my life. god put the most perfect dogs into my life, they helped you be where you’re at today. you even made a fuckin solo trip with just you and Lola from Milwaukee to Austin, stayed in Memphis with just yall 2 and literally no panic attacks. never thought that would have ever been possible. lol having your gun around definitely helps. this year you realized that you used to be fat, how come no one told you omg. but that doesn’t matter because you have finally reached the weight you had on your vision board that you made in high school - 105. you got home from grad school and literally every single fuckin person in your life has said you lost so much weight - girl you didn’t even know it, you don’t got a scale in Milwaukee. but looking at past pics, holy shit girl you lost weight. you still got some to go but good job dude - don’t ever let yourself get that bad again. your new goal is to be 100, then you can stop stressing. lol you’ve been trying to lose weight literally since high school, and all it took was grad school and being depressed AFFFFFFFFF to lose 20 fuckin pounds! with the help of addy too. yeah you were depressed, started in the 2nd semester of grad school and was at its worse at in the 3rd semester. but you yourself, and Lola of course, pulled yourself out of that. you walked to the beach, appreciate the scenery, focus on the sound waves - learn to love life again. you’ve changed so much dude, I feel like you’ve finally lost all of your old self now. quarantining for covid made you finally truly clean your room and rearrange it. took the biggest cleanse of your life, and damn it was a struggle because you the biggest hoarder out here. you found your old pieces, crazy how you still got them, you found old pills, even weed - proud of you for throwing everything away finally, and real quick. because you did think about smoking some and pop a pill or two - what’s the worst thing that can happen right. bitch you know what can happen, normal people can do that but you have forever fucked your mind up, like physically and biologically fucked up your brain. the way drugs works on your brain and Dahni’s brain only has a dark side to it - drug induced psychosis - every time, no matter what or when or how long it’s been, you have forever fucked that up. yall dropped the ball on that shit, yall did it too much, esp the mind altering shit and will never be able to enjoy drugs again - but that’s okay. you don’t need that shit. okay for guys, fuckin listen to me here girl. we ain’t going into zayne or Terren - yo first 2 boyfriends was just dipping yo feet in the waters for dating. you already know what you learned from them. you know what you want and don’t you ever fuckin settle.”life is a mess when you settle for less.” I loved Arin, and I'll always love him. your dumbass almost married him but why, knowing he does not meet half yo standards. from Arin, you learned you want someone that treats you like a princess like he did, he always showed you off, he put you on a pedestal, you were legit his everything - you want someone that does that, where you are their everything. but you don’t want someone who gets angry like that, who lets problems get bigger and bigger til they explode - shit needs to be fixed immediately, if your their everything - shouldn’t they do everything in their power to make sure it stays like that. from josh, you learned you want someone who you can be your goofy self and have fun and literally laugh all the damn time with you - it was such a fun time with josh, yall really did have this amazing connection. he truly loved you and honestly truly loved you. I loved josh, and I'll always love him too. he was the first relationship you had after getting raped, and he showed you how to trust men again. these 2 dudes lacked goals and had different visions for the future from you. you’re such a goal oriented and family oriented person - they were not. you worked hard to get to where you are today, and continue to drop the guys and the people who will get in the way of your goals. friends too - if they ain’t with you, drop em. in the end, it’s your family who will always be there for you. lol you truly treat guys like shit dude and everyone knows it, you don’t even feel bad about it, maybe it’s from being raped, maybe it’s from that ginormous wall you’ve built, or maybe you’re just that afraid of getting hurt, but that’s okay, you can keep doing that, it’ll get rid of the weak ones - what you can’t do is treat the good ones like shit, like tai. you never expected to find a dude so different, but maybe that’s what you need. he’s the exact opposite of the typical guys you usually go for - a fuckin gamer, not 6 feet, lol even asian. you didn’t date tai but yall definitely had something for 6 months. he has never done drugs and doesn’t want to even try drugs - I didn’t know that was maybe something I needed in a guy. from tai, you learned that you do want someone who went to college, grad school is even better, super caring about you. at one point you did think he was going to be the one - he speaks Vietnamese, he’s in pharmacy school, he can game with your brother. he may seem perfect but you learned a lot of shit you don’t want in someone. you’re not on social media a lot anymore, other than snapchat. you even had insta deleted for months - then when school ended for winter break, it took you awhile to download insta again, but when you did, you made one post and never got on it again. tai is super in the social media world, and you don’t want that. you’re starting to be someone who really lives in the moment, the shit happening right in front of you matters to you more, you don’t want someone super into the social media world. he doesn’t treat you like you’re a priority to him, he actually makes it clear that he actually doesn’t give two shits about you - so why you allowing yourself putting any efforts into that. the second he’s upset, he’ll drag that shit out and won’t try to fix shit at all - you need someone who will fix shit right then and there so yall don’t go to sleep at night angry, you need someone who will fight and continue fighting for you no matter what. he doesn’t apologize for shit and when he does, there is always an excuse - you need someone who owns up to shit and apologizes sincerely. you deserve someone who truly cares about you and is committed to you, they need to do anything in their power to keep you and show you love you and not give up on you. you did not get gang raped to settle down for someone who doesn’t make you feel loved. you did not graduate from UT and get into grad school for someone who causes you mental stress and make you unhappy. you did not grow into this strong, independent, brilliant ass woman to date someone who makes you question your worth. you deserve someone who continuously challenges you to be your best self and make you feel beautiful. cami said you deserve someone who spoils you, and she is damn fuckin right. you have come so far, getting sober, getting into grad school, someone needs to feel lucky as fuck they have you. but what’s the common denominator between all these dudes - quit pushing guys away, quit purposely ruining shit because you’re scared of shit, quit getting pissed because they don’t react the way you wanted, quit overthinking shit because you’re usually fuckin wrong. just don’t settle for less but allow yourself to get close. your trust issues ain't going anywhere, but learn to put your guard down a tad bit, let yourself get hurt - it’ll only make you into a stronger bitch than you already are. nothing will ever hurt you nearly as much when you got raped. if you got through that, you can literally get through anything. a lot has happened in the last 4 years, but you know what you need to focus on. continue working on your best self. keep thriving and surviving. maybe we’ll self reflect and reorient again when grad school is over in a couple years and you’re back in Austin. just be happy <3 do your best and fuck the rest

#reorienting self part 1 #2020