#hhhhhhh... usually i like being ace as a concept but tbh there are so many moments where i just wish i could be like p much everyone else

[shachiruka]

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#maybe it was a mistake to reread those youth fiction books again that made me think about love and stuff #it did make me have another one of those dreams. you know one of those where i finally fall in love with someone who shockingly even likes #me too! and then you feel warm and loved and then you wake up and it's back to being lonely as usual #just a bit worse since the memory lingers even if it wasn't real. and then you feel like the world's most pathetic heap of trash #bc of course you keep thinking about the dream and try to bring that warm feeling back although you shouldn't #ah man... and after that i found a website where i could read the missing volumes of the series #(i used to have all 5+1 volumes except the 2nd but i already took them to a fleamarket once years ago where i sold only the last 2) volumes #but reading the last one made me remember that i felt alienated even back then bc the main character who was p relatable to me #fell in love towards the end of volume 4/was with her bf in volume 5 and i could not relate to that anymore #and the one girl i felt i could relate to anymore bc she was the only one without any interest in boys and love and relationships #well she fell in love too (with a girl which was a nice change of pace in the literature i read but still. wasn't my experience as well and #made me feel even more alone and stupid for not being like anyone else) #hhhhhhh... usually i like being ace as a concept but tbh there are so many moments where i just wish i could be like p much everyone else #around me. asking myself why i can't fall in love with a nice boy or girl since my mom already asks about both when it comes to this topic #or at least to understand my friends instead of feeling uncomfortable and trying to hide it bc i also want my friends to be able to tell me #things that affect them! i feel like i'm such a bad friend sometimes... like i can listen to talk about their partners and details about #love lifes and stuff for a while but i've also caught myself thinking 'sounds kinda disgusting when is this over?' #and i feel i should show more interest but i just don't know how bc i'd kinda rather talk about anything else #anyways... maybe i'll at least have another nice dream tonight even though it's only smoke and mirrors #i am sorry if anyone had to read this stupid moping tho. i just don't know where to stuff my thoughts sometimes #rukarambles #personal