#hidey does nano 2022

[hideyseek]

started writing all this in the tags of a reblog, got a little embarrassed so im making my own post

ok maybe i am actually doing nano this year but baby nano in which i carefully write 250 words a day and at the end of the month maybe will have magically coerced myself into writing the first arc of narrative!fic

kind of terrifying bc lol the idea has changed sooo much since the first “draft” in april of this year and what if i cannot do it justice! but i just have to actually write it! unfortunately to write it i have to write it!! and then revise it four million times but first i need something to revise!!!!

i think this first arc can be 7k… i think?? at the very least it will help me not think of this whole thing as like one large project, if i just write one part at a time month by month maybe i will Get Somewhere good god what am i even DOING

#but anyway i have spent this whole week being like: what am i even doing with my life?? i am so passive????? so maybe this. will fix me #plus i am reading (fic) again so maybe that will be. something good and helpful #hidey does nano 2022 #will be the tag so u can blacklist or whatever #idr what i tagged this as in april so. no tag consistency for u guys sry #ok bye im gonna eat lunch now or maybe fall asleep for the rest of my lunch break #hidey speaks #narrative!fic

[hideyseek]

11.08.22

hm just got yelled at by my neighbors for talking quietly to myself in my bedroom <10min after quiet hours so. short and miserable update:

i am losing steam and also losing track of what is happening in this godforsaken fic but i guess i’ll keep going bc it’ll be worse to stop and have to figure out how to pick back up.

its fine this is just the natural slump after the initial honeymoon phase of every project i just do not like it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway, no smart thoughts today and also no personality i want to crawl into bed for four million years but unfortunately i need to go to work tomorrow

ok i am forcefully reminding myself: TWO YEARS AGO WRITING ~3K OF PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE NON-MINDBLOWING WORDS IN ONE WEEK WOULD HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY UNIMAGINABLE WHILE I ALSO DID EXISTING AS A PERSON. CASE IN POINT: THE AEDWQ DRABBLES! AND ALSO POINSETTIAS! JUST BECAUSE I AM UNSATISFIED WITH IT NOW DOESN’T MEAN IT IS ACTUALLY UNSATISFACTORY!! GRR!

#god i am gently trying to avoid having enough feelings about this fic to talk to my therapist about it #hidey does nano 2022

[hideyseek]

11.13.2022

each day i open my silly little google doc and then write some of the longest-winded unbeautiful and completely functional sentences the world has ever seen and then i log my word count on the nano website and close my computer.

gOD i am SO WORRIED by the fact that as i continue in drafting the fic, i feel like i’m creating so much more SPRAWL. like i’m just writing sentences to write sentences and like yeah, sure, things happen in the sentences! it’s not actually possible for me to know if it’s the “right” place to include something UNTIL THE WHOLE DRAFT OF THE ARC IS DONE!

it is not possible for me to know it! that is for me to know once this first draft is done and i move into revising!!! re-fucking-visioning! all i have is this first uncertain and blurry idea of what the fic will look like and as i tell the story to myself over and over again it will naturally become sharper and more clear in my mind! i just have to trust the process aaaargh christ i hate trusting the process i deeply desire to just write it absolutely correctly and beautifully the first time! but like lol of course that’s not possible

grr so for now i will just slowly and patiently write my words each day and eventually i will reach a full draft and then revise the fuck out of it! god haiji is on this train for what seems right now like Too Damn Long but maybe later will seem: perfectly fine actually because the narrative justifies it. god……. why do i do this HOBBY! well when i am not in this terrible slog i dare say i like it. oh also i just remembered that literally some other day this month (ie: IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS) i wrote in one of these that writing was “fun” ok, hidey, that was less than two weeks ago this is only temporarily a slog!

#ok whatever bye im gonna eat noodles now #hidey does nano 2022 #narrative!fic

[hideyseek]

11.11.2022

feeling shockingly good about the writing for today?????? much more exploratory than previous days (which felt more like i was just writing my way down a list of goals for a scene) … not super sure what to make of it. gently full of doubt of my skills as a direct result but also reminding myself HOW I FEEL ABOUT HOW IT IS GOING HAS LITTLE TO ABSOLUTELY NO RELATION TO HOW IT IS ACTUALLY GOING this is just a RULE THAT IS TRUE ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE WITH WRITING

but also this hmm sandboxed exploratory stuff feels … easier?? but i also worry it’s boring, like i’m just throwing random info in there, what if it’s jarring or irrelevant and i just can’t tell. (THEN ONE OF MY SMART AND BELOVED BETAS WILL CATCH IT OR THERE WILL BE SOME FLAWS IN THIS FAN FICTION THAT I AM WRITING FOR FUN WITH LIMITED PROFESSIONAL WRITING TRAINING THAT I AM PUTTING ONLINE FOR FREE SO WHO CARES what does a perfect fic even look LIKE hidey calm DOWN about this!!) anyway, idk what makes a piece of writing boring vs engaging, i have no idea how to tell if what i’m writing is going to be engaging but i am also reminding myself THAT IS NOT IN SCOPE FOR THE FIRST DRAFT. IT WILL BE HANDLED IN REVISIONS. THAT’S WHY WE HAVE REVISIONS!

in other news today i felt relief of having to write a second draft of this for the first time. not sure what to make of that either. after the first burst of writing, i kinda felt like nothing i wrote connected to anything else i’d written, but then i went back and just idk … like added some sentences to putty over the problems and it seemed to go okay??????? idk i also broke my role of DO NOT FUCKING REREAD ANY PREVIOUS DAY’S WRITING and looked at the most recent day’s writing, and like, it was fine? it wasn’t mindblowing (reminding myself that THAT IS NORMAL AND FINE FOR A FIRST DRAFT OR EVEN A FINAL DRAFT!) but idk it seemed coherent? well. it seemed fine? like it was sentences and nothing was actively wrong with them that i could tell, so yeah maybe it’s fine, who knows, what a fucking hobby what if my characterization is completely off i have no idea what happens in canon anymore—! which is also FINE this is a FAN FICTION i am MERELY MICROWAVING SOME GUY UNTIL HE IS MISERABLE who cares if the narrative is perfectly tightly woven or if everything is relevant and moving!!!! (ME UNFORTUNATELY but NOT IN THIS DRAFT!)

ok goodnight good lord why does this fic is so much cooler in my head and then on the google doc its just some regular sentences??? grrrrr how do i give someone a tummyache from reading ittttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!! but also like god could i finish one fucking draft of it first goodnight i am. incoherent

#hidey does nano 2022 #narrative!fic #wow god i am also noticing that there is wayy more brainwrangling in this post than usually #but also like i was really into the west wing in early college (conveniently so was my crush) and like there’s this episode w the us poet #laureate where she (the poet) says something like the point of writing is to get the reader’s attention and then hold it without letting go #until you’re done with the reader. but basically all the way thru the piece of writing. gahhhhhhhhh HOW DO I DO THAT! GRR #oh also lol i mentioned to my therapist today that this fic is like. me processing my childhood and they were like oooh would u wanna talk #ab it in session and i was like hm maybe actually

[hideyseek]

11.21.2022

ok SO nano uh. continues. occasionally. i definitely got distracted by goncharov!posting earlier today and it was genuinely weird mentally to sit down and be coming up with meta that had like, an actual fucking canon associated with it lol.

but!!!! today i tried writing on my phone (by which i mean. i took a nap after work, woke up thinking about this fic, and bashed out my wordcount for the day) and it went well! i think this is my favorite and most hm... grounded description of a character having a panic attack that i have ever written. i am VERY pleased with it. i am giving haiji SO MUCH trauma i simply. pour it on him gently and lovingly! sorry man.

but oh god! it's almost done! i've decided that actually for my brain i would rather hit the wordcount all in new draft material (limiting by "stage" of writing) rather than limiting by how much of the fic i touch on (and moving to revising some previous draft material that goes in this first arc). so today's bit is from post-aotake return, post-party, so a few scenes past where i think the first arc "ends" (or like, idk, where maybe some of the things opened in the first arc are resolved). anyway i am simply keeping in mind good advice i got from dorian which boils down to: well if you simply gave it some time and then reread it, you WOULD have the reader experience! astutely put and yeah i have already forgotten what i wrote earlier this month so, very effective as a reminder for me

but today i feel FINE and even OPTIMISTIC and HOPEFUL about the writing i did! this is WILD. i will say i am once again writing this post a few hours after the writing actually happened and that sure does seem to make a big difference to how i mentally perceive what i did

wow i love to observe patterns.

#gahhhh im not SLEEPY #but i need to go to work at 7:30 bc otherwise i have no idea what is hAPPENING before i go directly into my stupid 8am meeting #oh and update: my therapist WAS very interested in the fact that i now write characters' emotional experiences as much more embodied #personally i would love to be able to do the other way still so i can like. switch back and forth #but like idk. that was a really cool realization for me #text to life connection! etc #hidey does nano 2022

[hideyseek]

11.15.2022

its still yesterday to me … god. i mean, words were written! pretty good words even! i’m pleasantly surprised by how much i am instinctively making fujioka say to haiji, that feels useful and telling of SOMETHING tho i’m not sure what.

anyway, wow. suddenly im so close to the end, i have … maybe three scenes left? for this draft of the first arc. and then i’ll want to add in all the other scenes i wrote in april that fit in this arc just to like, see them all together. man … revision is gonna be: TOUGH! but it’s fine! i’ll be so brave about it! for now i will simply go to sleep! good fucking night!!!

#hidey does nano 2022

[hideyseek]

11.05.2022

well i am rapidly losing steam which is kind of frustrating and unpleasant. i think bc the scene i wrote today is one that i just … i don’t really know what i am doing in it PLUS i feel like i have no consistent handle on tone day to day. PLUS oh god i feel like maybe haiji is being too self-aware too fast but HIDEY i say to myself NONE OF THOSE ARE IN SCOPE PROBLEMS FOR THE FIRST FUCKING DRAFT. oh right, jesus christ.

the only thing in scope is WRITE THE FUCKING STORY ONE TIME THROUGH anyway i am back to: who invented this hobby why am i doing this oh my godd i want to switch gears to write the two towns au sooo bad grrrrr i want plot angst instead of self-generated haiji angst…..!!!! man i also cannot for the life of me tell whether he is having a believable emotional experience whatsoever. oh my god im the sleepiest little guy in the world wtf

#hidey does nano 2022 #i feel. incoherent #but whatever there are words and that is the whole POINT the scene will never be this bad ever again this is the maximum absolutely terrible #that it can be!!!! #narrative!fic

[hideyseek]

11.03.2022

wow one family eating dinner can contain SO MUCH RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS i fucking hope we will see if this scene works the way i want it to work

but wow the combo of: low word count for me + knowledge that i simply do not ever have to finish writing the scene i start that day (bc i now also trust myself to pick up the project later since by necessity that’s happened so much with narrative!fic already) + having done so much metawriting + knowing i don’t need to know the whole fic arc just this first arc (which lol do i even know this first arc i am making up scenes as i go haha)

anyway all that? SO FREEING. i’m writing better than i possibly have ever written because i guess i have enough scaffolding to know what my goals are in a scene and then i just write until i do those things?? and also another big change is when i write i’m … actually stopping to like, talk aloud to myself about the structure and whether taking one path or another from a moment in a scene will get me where i want.

i think before i’d somehow internalized that the only way i could figure these things out was by writing through them (which truly, there ARE some things i only discover when i write them, for example: the specific kind of shitty dad that haiji has) but actually at least for this fic i have a strong enough sense of what i need to layer in at least in these first scenes, that figuring some of these things out at the zoomed out level is possible! relief, haha. it is exhausting to consider writing like 50k of draft material just to get to 5 or 10k of drafted material that is what i want, i think that’s why all my previous attempts to start drafting this have gone so poorly. i did like 20k in april and i don’t know if literally any of that, even the ideas, will make it in the final version or even this more recent first draft.

but thinking in arcs helps. thank god. honestly it was good of me to watch anime because now i can kind of think in seasons for this fic which i never really could do before. so, thanks bungo stray dogs.

but like. dare i fucking admit, writing is fun???? right now? a fun and enjoyable exercise? something about the task being “ok spend 20min writing ur 250 for the day” means i end up spending three hours writing like 400 words with actual like … layers and connections beyond just transitions between two scenes? well again, i hope it’s happening. i think it is but honestly i am not a very strong reader. i will just be relying heavily on my betas … lol sometime in the next two years.

#anyway all i do is leave work #fuck around for some time #go: oh i need to write still maybe that can be the next hour #resurface at 9pm and go: oh my god my dinner #and then show up here and write absolutely unfiltered nonsense because i like to Keep Records lol #kind of nice to have a long-term outside-of-work task that i completely control the pace of tho #hidey does nano 2022 #narrative!fic

[hideyseek]

11.04.2022

whatever its written im so fucking sleepy thank god i am figuring out how to set achievable goals bc then i achieve them even when my brain is fucking: off. is haiji’s dad’s characterization likely to be COMPLETELY different between the first and second halves of this scene? yeah lol whatever, my success is i made him go to his high school track at night for maximum emo

#hidey does nano 2022 #im so tired aaaaa

[hideyseek]

11.27.2022

ITS DONE AHAHAHAA GOD ITS DONE!!

the NUMBER OF TIMES i had to stop and set my laptop down during this writing session just to tell myself OF COURSE THE READING EXPERIENCE IS JUST OKAY. OF COURSE THERE IS NO PACING AND TENSION. THE STORY DOESNT FUCKING EXIST YET and i simply DO NOT HAVE THE SKILLS TO WEAVE IN PACING AND TENSION WHEN I AM DOING A ROUGH DRAFT which is a NORMAL FUCKING EXPERIENCE TO HAVE JESUS CHRIST. LOL!

ok putting the rest under a readmore bc it suddenly occurs to me that these are really fucking long lol sorry guys

WHEW i will say the main thing i learned from this experience is that word count really doesn’t do it for me. having a roughly 250 wordcount expectation each time i sit down is helpful, but reaching a total wordcount is not nearly as much a feeling of accomplishment for me as i expected / as i think “drafting a full arc” might be. but also!!! it is NOT BAD to gently train myself to recognize and accept markers of progress that are not just “a completed and perfect longfic” bc hello i would only get one milestone at the end and would that sustain me? no!!!!!!! lol i accept that i must constantly fight my brain’s tendency toward perfectionism in every aspect of my life but god its annoying in this one

but it’s DONE and somehow with 150 words to go i suddenly sat down and drafted two full scenes??? well. whatever it’ll be useful. i’m remembering why the birthday party scene isn’t part of the first draft and it is because oh my god i sure do try to shove five or six different plot-relevant scenes into the span of what is probably a two hour event lol. WHATEVER IT IS FINE. I WILL MOVE THEM AROUND TO A LESS INSANE ORGANIZATION IN REVISIONS. WHICH I AM NOT AT YET. BC I AM DRAFTING. GOD.

but yeah if i could just GENTLY ENCOURAGE MYSELF TO ACCEPT that the first draft WILL BE ALL OVER THE PLACE PACING-WISE EVEN THOUGH I AM WORKING WITH A PRETTY DETAILED OUTLINE because IT IS A FIRST FUCKING DRAFT AND IT IS ACCOMPLISHING WHAT THE FIRST DRAFT NEEDS TO DO WHICH IS GODDAMN EXIST ONLY. anything else like characterization or coming up with a plot point or figuring out beats of a character arc or identifying a location for something IS ALL FUCKING BONUSES!!! hidey its BONUSES!!!!

godddddddddddddddd. anyway this is like. completely stream of consciousness this is just how i fucking think btw if u were curious. possibly this is also what the experience of talking to me is like but i wouldnt know

ANYWAY this has been exciting. i was kinda fucking going through it irl this month so only ended up writing maybe half the days? but it’s really encouraging to still have hit my wordcount goal and even if i don’t remember anything i wrote, at least to know the writing exists! i can’t revise nothing after all!!!

ok i am CLOSING THE DOC bc i am FORBIDDEN FROM FUCKING WITH IT but i DID read TWO SENTENCES that seemed like genuinely interesting and functional sentences that conveyed events happening! hurrah! what the fuck is even metrics for good writing? who KNOWS! ok no more looking at the doc however i CAN OPEN A NEW DOC for DECEMBER DRAFTING MATERIAL bc this month by month thing seems GENUINELY DOABLE!!!! GENUINELY SO.

WOW what a relief to have figured this out! of course it might not last which is totally fine but like FOR NOW IT SEEMS DOABLE. AND THEN WE WILL SEE!!!

i definitely leaned a lot into just uh, supplying haiji my direct internal dialogue for several of the scenes from today. what is a scene who FUCKING KNOWS i am just calling it a scene WHO KNOWS OK WHATEVER. french scenes if its a new guy its a new scene WHO KNOWS ok! and i definitely have been leaning A LOT into “telling so goddamn much about haiji’s internal state rather than just showing it” bc i have NO IDEA HOW TO FIGURE OUT THAT BALANCE. how is the reader experiencing it i wonder!! IDK BUT I WILL JUST WAIT AND READ IT OVER AND THAT WILL SOLVE MY PROBLEM GRRR genuinely this advice helpfully stops my brain in its tracks so consistently

ok!!!! yes! its done!!! it is done! i will worry about pacing and foreshadowing and consistent motifs and metaphors and imagery and canonical characterization and ALL THAT STUFF LATER which is NORMAL AND FINE bc those are THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT IN REVISION ANYWAY. first draft just needs to EXIST!!!!!!!!!!! AND IT KIND OF DOES!!

i do think i will want to do a few more things: set up a longer doc to collect all this draft material in order as i create it month by month (reminding myself the goal is semi-consistency and NOT setting a really high bar i cannot meet! 7k mercifully seems to have been a good estimate and yes my brain does want to be a stupid gremlin and say i should shoot for 10k but NO once again we are looking for CONSISTENCY which means it needs to be DOABLE WITHOUT RUINING MY LIFE!), i think i want to organize that doc / my draft material in general by “arc” lol whatever that means, and also paste in the rest of the scenes… actually i wonder if a notion doc would be better NO NO NO MORE FUCKING PLATFORMS GODDAMN JUST GSUITE FOR NOW. lol ok so maybe a doc for the “pre-aotake” section, one for “the bit between that and the birthday party” (?? this section is SUPER LOOSE IN MY MIND), one for “birthday party” if only bc that has like seven scenes in it. lol god i wish there was git diff for google docs …… i KNOW i have a few different versions of a couple scenes and it would be really useful if i could stash them somehow next to each other… OK nevermind just ONE DOC to fit everything together, its not long enough to break google docs yet, i don’t need to make arbitrary buckets when i haven’t even looked at the material. i can trust that the buckets WILL COME and become sharper and more clear in my head over time!

IT IS OKAY FOR ME TO BE IN THE TREES AND NOT LOOKING AT THE FOREST RIGHT NOW SO TO SPEAK. THAT IS WHAT DRAFTING FUCKING IS! aaaaargh!!!

ok i actually think next month i want to have 5k as my goal bc holiday obligations PLUS i will be writing for inception secret saito (!!!!) and relearning how my revision process works at a smaller scale so that will take some time. yeah that seems good!!

ok! and YES i feel like i could keep working THIS IS THE PLACE TO STOP. AND ALSO THE FEELING TO STOP ON. i need to practice NOT DIGGING MYSELF INTO A PIT JUST TO FEEL LIKE I “ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING” there are already things that got done!!! if i end eager to keep working that will possibly carry over into my next session and make everything pleasant and energetic instead of a big fucking drag!!!!

ok GOODBYE this is the longest fucking update in the whole wide world im gonna have to go on desktop to add a read more. if u are still reading here hi mwah i love and appreciate you lets be friends

#hidey does nano 2022 #WAHEY ITS FUCKING DONE

[hideyseek]

11.16.2022

hmm i think i need to bully myself into not writing for a few days again… today’s writing session was SINGULARLY terrible, i feel like i am just slapping random character dynamics onto a story that may or may not fit them and ALSO none of the writing is beautiful or even functional, it’s just incredibly stilted words. grrrrrrrrr.

but it’s fine! how i feel about the project has almost zero correlation with how the project is going! just because i feel like i am plodding forward directionlessly does not mean that the project will constantly feel like this!

i’m worried that i’ve stopped writing linearly — not because there’s anything wrong with skipping around, but because i have yet to procure any evidence that when i do this i actually finish a coherent draft. well. this time it — OH MY GOD THE REASON I FELT LIKE SHIT THIS WHOLE DRAFTING SESSION TODAY IS BECAUSE I FUCKING STARTED WRITING A SCENE THAT ISN’T EVEN IN THIS ARC. because i knew i already had drafts of the rest of the scenes in this arc and momentarily it became more important to me to hit the completely arbitrary wordcount of 7.5k than to ACTUALLY WRITE THE STORY I AM TRYING TO WRITE. sigh… classic hidey brain move…

well ok, helpful realization. i think then… i’ll try to spend the rest of this month writing only when i really definitely WANT to, and try to spend those sessions revising the existing drafts of the last few scenes of this arc — i am making up the rules of this writing process myself! the goal is: work on this fic in a semi-structured way! there is LITERALLY NO RULE that says i have to fuck around and keep writing this fake “first draft”, or that eveything i write in this month needs to be the same like, “version” of the draft! there is no rule that says it!!!!!

maybe what i will need to do is put together a scene tracking document for this arc — i’ve seen a few other writers i follow do this so i kind of have a sense of what i’m looking for in it. just so i can kind of ease myself back into that bird’s-eye view of the arc that i need to be able to move to/from when revising. hmmm but that can be a next week problem!

but, yeah. the ACTUAL goal of this month is to have a more intuitive sense of what i’m trying to do in this first arc, and to have an understanding (or at least to have some notes) about plots and subplots that i’m opening up and progressing in this arc that i can use to tie the various arcs or whatever together. this goal is NOT “generate as many words as possible all in the same draft version until you hit your wordcount” NO NO NO!!! NO!!!!!!!!! *thwapping myself lovingly with a beanie baby* NO NO NO THE GOAL IS TO PRODUCE READABLE FIC! NOT JUST WORDS! yes when i am stuck or looking for where to take a scene! then this exploratory pantsing drafting is great! but IF I KNOW WHERE I’M TRYING TO GO!! i don’t need to waste my own time writing in circles just to generate draft material i know i’m not gonna want to read through! gAHHHHHHH

#well i guess at least this is forcing me to reflect on my common thinking patterns when it comes to writing #ngl im gonna have SO MUCH interesting shit to tell my therapist ab this fic #i also realized last night that i literally DESCRIBE CHARACTERS HAVING FEELINGS DIFFERENTLY NOW #i used to reference characters’ bodies only like. as a motif etc (hands mostly) #and feelings were all implied via description / mood p much #but at least for this fic?? soooo much of haiji’s feelings are just DIRECTLY physical sensations #to the point that i have very little sense of any props he has in the scene / his surroundings at all #which is fascinating bc the little scene snippets that come up and i note down for heist!au #simply do NOT follow that pattern! #anyway im so chatty goodnight im so fucking sleepy also #hidey does nano 2022 #narrative!fic

[hideyseek]

11.14.2022

mmm it went fine i think. writing my way through does seem to be working — oh! the thing that happened today was i wrote some words, entirely in the more pantsing way that i’ve been doing. then journaled about how unsatisfied i was. then remembered that i am, actually, allowed to fuck around with the words i put on the page a little to make my life easier later when i edit. so i did that, and … the scene cohered a little. that was very pleasant!

idk i had so many feelings and experiences in the two hours between when i wrote today’s b it and now. and right now im eating a cream bun with decaf instant coffee so all my writing trials and tribulations are so insubstantial to me.

hmmm i think it’s fine. i finally broke 5k, which is honestly kind of a relief. like there is genuine like, change (or like “improvement” in that i am moving toward the way i would like to be writing, not that writing more is inherently better) from when i did this last in april. like i don’t feel burned out, i can help recenter myself by reminding myself i only need to focus on this arc. i can PRODUCE DECENT WRITING at a pace that is … honestly pretty fast for me. i just was not built to be one of those fic writers who can do 20k in a weekend, but like. words sure can happen and this seems to be pretty sustainable for a long-term pace, which is a big relief. we’ll see what happens when i get to the more intensive stage of actually revising, i suspect my pace will slow WAY down then because i’ll have to think so much all the time. but .. maybe not! maybe i will be so comfortable in the scope of a single scene that i will be able to make one pass through a scene each day. but whatever i’m getting ahead of myself. (i figure i’ll leave arc and sub/plot revision to weekends … i am not above taking a day off work to revise a character arc…!)

but okay wow. simply: time can bring so much perspective huh. wild how that works (thank god it works that way).

#hidey does nano 2022 #narrative!fic #ok back to my coffee and bread #im gonna buy shokupan this weekend im giving in

[hideyseek]

11.02.2022

well, i did IMMEDIATELY write like two sentences and then go “is this coherent? am i writing sentences that make sense?”

i feel like i am just stringing together words to vaguely allude to stuff i need to have happen in the scene, and i have no idea. what am i doing. what is “good” writing????? i have never heard of her!!! i have lost all sense of cadence or characterization, i feel like i am doing COMPLETELY mathematical foreshadowing… can that turn out well i have no idea!

are these scenes just getting stacked on each other like grocery list items? no clue!! i have started making the previous day’s writing all in white text to prevent me from 1. nitpicking and 2. rereading. it’s kind of effective actually bc it forces me to start the day with just the emotional memory of where i’m coming from + maybe a few sentences of hook that i’d set up already.

anyway thank god for my five million beloved beta readers that will receive this draft sometime in the next two years. like, idk it seems FINE but like … is it coherent? are there really sentences that make sense? who can say!!!!! certainly not me!!!!

but whatever im done for today i wrote some words i have no idea if they are coherent, i have no idea if they convey literally anything to the reader about any characters or plot information, i have NO CLUE if i am being too blunt or not clear enough… who knows! who could say! maybe nobody!! please tune in tomorrow for what the fuck will hidey say next about this completely voluntary project

#hidey does nano 2022 #narrative!fic

[hideyseek]

11.01.2022

well as always its starting fine tho i WILL SAY that focusing in on JUST the first arc of this fic is forcing me to ACTUALLY THINK ABOUT THE STORY ARC AND PACING OF THE FIRST SECTION instead of constantly being lost in the weeds of the whole damn project. it is MIRACULOUS it feels so DOABLE this whole idea of “break the big project into little pieces” — wow …. guys sometimes it rly works

godDAMN it’s so nice to be working with (at least mentally) a project of a size i can actually wrap my freaking little brain around!!! this is a nice 7k fic! it has a single plotline that just happens to need to thematically link to three or five (who fuckin knows) other plotlines later in this project and also i should open some subplots during this arc but I ONLY NEED TO FOCUS ON PACING ONE PLOT. I ONLY NEED TO FOCUS ON HAIJI WANTING ONE THING AND WHAT HAPPENS BC OF IT.

it is so so interesting (and also a HUGE RELIEF) to be able to connect dots on a small enough scale that i can actually layer in events into scenes again and fucking try to put in foreshadowing instead of just being like blehahfhgh what is going on in this fic even. WHAT A RELIEF! BABY NANO IS MY COOLEST AND BEST FRIEND!

#hidey does nano 2022 #narrative!fic #genuinely i was shocked at how exciting 250 words a day is to me like wow i guess when i set? achievable goals? #instead of trying to push myself ‘just to see’?? sometimes i achieve my goals?? and get excited about working toward my goals??? #one good thing ab starting fulltime work ig is this shocking realization that actually i can do ‘good’ while only trying ‘some’ #wild guys #sorry y’all lol i am SO talkative today