#hopefully i can figure it out and get it fixed this week or smth

[be-good-to-bugs]

AAAAH forever stress is going to kill me one day

#the bin #i hate knowing why i feel so bad and not being able to do anything about it #im scared that ill never ever feel better. its been so long since i felt ok. im worried that ill make friends and still feel horrible all #the time and it wont matter. i cant keep doing this. im so tired of being all alone. im so tired of the constant inescapable dread #im going to figure something out. in a month ill be moved and i can start figuring everything out then #i hate not being able to focus on anything besides how bad i feel. i cant enjoy anything. theres so many shows i wanna watch but i cant #because im so distracted by this. theres so much manga i wanna read and i cant. #literally the ONLY thing that has been able to make me temporarily forget this for any amount of time is dungeon meshi #its so fucking good and it sparks so much joy that it does help but not enough. i get sad again really fast. #well. im trying really hard to manage my stress. i did the math on how much i should be getting. i know that i will have rent at least. #there are 2 weeks that i dont know what my hours will be but assuming i get 13 hours at least then i should have an ok amount for #moving. its possible theyll be worse and its possible theyll be better. im really hoping theyre better. my hours have been SO BAD recently #i dont know why. i know im not bad at my job or anything. i sont think my manager dislikes me either. he does this whenever someone #hasnt been feeling well and hell do it for a couple weeks and i think its him trying to be considerate but i have bills to pay man #technically there is a shift i could pickup but the store has a drive thru so im nervous to bc idk how that works and if im asked to do that #then ill have no idea so ive been avoiding taking any shifts like that #hopefully enough will pop up in the coming weeks and i can get some more hours. i know i can cover moving vehicle cost but idk how much #gas is gonna be so im suuuuper worried abt that. hhhh. hopefully my sister and her boyfriend can get me back the $300 they owe too #honestly idk how they werent able to afford rent but immediately after they were able to afford a 40 hour roadtrip and yimw off work #whatever. it doenst matter. #i wish i could deal with the other stuff messing me up rn but i cant fix the loneliness thing without not being alone and i cant fix that #it doesnt matter how much i tell myself ill make friends eventually or if i believe it or not. i feel bad because ive gone way too long #not hanging out with anyone and my brain cant handle it. #im gonna see if maybe i can play a game with my sister soon. or maybe i couod play smth with my younger sister even #i pkayed roblox with her for a little while. maybe she would want to again. i miss her :(

[narahalara]

woaw vent time? here we go

hello ok i randomly wanna just write about my life and stuff so here we goooOOOooooooooOo

so i moved back to ucla on thursday and my roomie is coming back to tmrw. I finally have decorations in my room and its so cute!! heehee im happy with the outcome although i still want a succulent plant/nature elements but i need to save my money kasi i spent “a lot” this summer LOL I went to the gym alot this weekend and just went to the mall and westwood to walk around and buy some things. I need to stop spending though and actually buy my textbooks for this quarter woops lol. I also went to church today and it was a good message and saw some old faces which was nice. this summer i spent a lot of time trying to get back my guitar skills and i actually wrote a random song yesterday about my former love lawls so yeah. I start work tomorrow and I am lowkey like happy that I got more hours than i requested because i need to earn my money back that I lost LOL (i keep lol-ing everytime i talk about how much ispent but like seriously i need to actually create a savings system this year) anyways school officially starts thursday but i have labs and discussion that day and i got an email saying we dont need to go this week for labs but idk about discussion sooooo yeah idk we will see. I really dont feel like its school like its weird idk im starting my major/upper divs and im scared cause its gonna be a challenge but also kinda excited cause were gonna work with cadavers this quarter and i think thatll be interesting. I also joined a kickboxing class with my roomie this quarter so i am pumped for that too just a way to keep my active. i am dtermined to make a routine for gyming this year thanks to my sisters gym pass this summer she got to teach me how to use the machiens so i dont look like an idiot trying to figure it out on my own so hopefully i cant add more variation like weight lifting HIIT conditioning machines workouts to my routine. I wanna get more fit this year as I do every year to ya know just maintain my health physically and mentally. I want to join a volunteering club this year so hopefully this tuesday i can go to the activities fair to find one i really want to serve this year tbh. I just need to take initiative to start up things. I talked this over with my sissy this summer, how i realized one of my majors flaws is actually that im pretty lazy which i never thought id call myself. but i am, i realized sometimes its not just my shyness its the fact that i wont start up smth. so this year im choosing to take more initiative whether its to join things, talk to people, gym more, volunteer, study earlier and smarter etc. but yeah. tbh my weirdest worry rn is wondering if i forgot how to make a pizza since i go back to work tomorrow and the last time i was working was back in June RIP lol but i think ill be fine it should come back second nature also my work is at 11 which doesnt seem bad right? but NO i have been struggling to get up these past WEEKS like ill wake up at 9 and be like aw ok nice still early 5 more minutes then i wake up AND ITS LIKE 11ISH AND IM LIKE WHAT HAPPENED. so yeah i need to fix my schedule. Well yeah i guess thats my life so far. I think i wanted to write about someone in this but now my hand is cramping and i ended up writing this so yeah its ok well just need to pray to God for guidance and strength this upcoming school year. God you know my worries and fears, but I know you got me. Lets do this. 

#vent