#i didnt even get into the physical problems or the increase in fatigue making me fucking sleep 10-12 hours at any given moment and sleeo

[heartxdecay]

WHY do bad things always have to happen to me so close together like I did not NEED the combo of an acquaintance I was attempting to befriend blowing up at me and threatening to kill themselves over them deciding I said something I didn't (fuck being autistic why does everyone assume I'm inferring things when I'm actually NOT) and then my stalker who I haven't seen in about a year suddenly decides to show up at my place of work and ask MY BOYFRIEND if I was there (he lied and said I wasn't but I still caught a glimpse of him so he might have seen me) which lead to me finding out he never actually moved like he said he was going to which means realistically he could go right back to stalking and harassing me any time he wants. In the span of like 3 days. And of course right now we're like 3 weeks away from the big traumaversary time from when I left the cult + this is the midst of when I was reporting aforementioned stalker last year so I'm already constantly on high alert anyway. So now I'm constantly struggling just to stay awake let alone work and I already had to drop out of school and lie to my parents about it because the condition of me living here is remaining in school which means since I'm not they're going to kick me out if they know. So I can't NOT go to school AND not work especially because I'm trying to save as much money as possible in order to move out of this stupid hellhole of a "family" home where I'm constantly used as a third parent for my younger siblings. But I'm so tired all the time from stress keeping me awake at all hours and being completely unable to leave fight or flight mode when awake that I can barely find the energy to move, and my work is extremely tiring. I work retail as a supervisor and I have to deal with my coworkers not doing as much of the workload despite all being full time while I'm part time, none of the people I'm in charge of taking me seriously because I'm either younger than them or the same age as them, regular stress that comes with working retail and dealing with customers, and a management change that is leading to us getting a notoriously rude + perfectionist manager who I have personally seen throw an actual tantrum over having to do his JOB. Which means I can't afford to be tired and grumpy because I have to remain professional and productive. But every time something slightly off happens I want to burst into tears. Nobody there respects me and it's hard enough to handle when I'm NOT dealing with all of this. And of course because God hates me all of this happened when I decided to try to cut back on constantly vaping so after incident #2 I immediately gave up on that and I honestly think I've been going through cartridges FASTER. It's genuinely such a struggle every day to not relapse on self harm or turn to alcoholism and I'm not sure how much longer I can last. Especially because my literal only IRL support system is my boyfriend, because my parents are worth jack shit, my siblings are children, and my only "friend" in person is an objectively terrible human that I only still have around because they were my FP for a really long time and I have a hard time letting go of that relationship (every time I try I end up running back) and I just KNOW that if I even TRY to breach any of this with them they're either going to hit me with an "oof/yikes" and nothing else or spread my PERSONAL shit to everyone they know INCLUDING my extremely abusive ex that they refuse to totally cut contact with because it's "mean". which means I actually have nobody to turn to except the internet friends in my phone who for one aren't online all the time and have lives but two since they're my ONLY SUPPORT SYSTEM I cannot keep dumping everything on them constantly or I'll overwhelm them. Not to mention they have also had to deal with the acquaintance I mentioned at the start because they're actually THEIR friend, not mine, so if anything it's an even bigger deal to them. This leaves me with only my boyfriend who I already feel shitty enough about given the raging BPD.

#i cant keep turning to him he's dealing with enough from my constant reassurance and fear he's going to suddenly thrn into a horrible person #like my other relationships and past fp did #he's so wonderful and supportive and i already put him through enough #i cant keep doing this i actually cannot live like this #i have work but here i am on tumblr breaking post lengths complaining about my life at 4am #like this will fuxking help anything at all because nobody will ever see this or if they do they'll ve a STRANGER who cannot help me at all #so im just yelling into the void so at least i can say i talked about it and maybe itll make everythibg feel just a little bit lighter #because im tired of everything weighing on me so heavily all the time i #i didnt even get into the physical problems or the increase in fatigue making me fucking sleep 10-12 hours at any given moment and sleeo #through all my alarms and make me late to work twice in just the ladt WEEK #which means I only have one more tome before my final warning #BUT HERE I AM. AWAKE. because for some reason my stupid fucking brain wont let me sleep #no matter how physically exhausted I am #I'm just fed up and tired and i want all of this to go away #but i cant end it because i actually have people who will miss me and i cant fucking burden them with the fact that their friend/partner #killed themself because i KNOW they'll blame themselves like they're bot the only reason i didnt do it 3 years ago #vent

[mysweetxcape]

1st April 2020; what is April Fools when 2020 has been the biggest joke of my life?

The first quarter of 2020 is dreadful yet slightly enthralling. The pandemic of COVID-19 has spreaded across the world, making each country to be locked down. Numerous of deaths kept increasing and everyone’s life could be in danger.

Ramadan is approaching and i hope with the greatest Almighty’s mercy, this pandemic will come to an end. We are humans; we are flawed and we are not strong enough but above all, im grateful to the frontliners and each and everyone else who had made their part, even the slightest, to keep everyone safe.

But what concerns me if this virus continues to persist, im terribly afraid it will affect my wedding. Right now, im getting tired with everything; mentally, emotionally and physically. It took every ounce of my energy and at times im on the verge of giving up..

Perhaps you are wondering it is just the pandemic, things can be settled but why am i so exhausted?

The truth is along the way, something happened. (dont feel like mentioning it here cuz im not proud about it)

That moment, it just felt like my soul was giving up on me till to date. But i didnt want it to affect me totally so i shall let it pass and resign to fate.

It wasnt my problem but why it affected me because it involved my closest kin, my dad. Honestly, i dont even wanna care but im so bothered by it cause it’s my D A D we are talking about, people. All along i showed a fake faccade to portray to everyone that im handling things well; which slowly i am but as soon as i reached home, i found myself being isolated again, in my own comfort zone.

I tried to seek the slightest joke to humor me, talk to people to revive me, play with Taro to kill my inner loneliness and the list goes on.

I appreciate the people who tried to understand me; there were times i cried but often i found myself crying in isolation. No comfort, no one; constantly reminding myself that I’ll be okay. Its so sad that im so used to bottle my feelings up that i felt peculiar to show my tears in public. I felt.. pathetic.

I wish i could literally pour everything out and get everything over and done with but then again, feeling pathetic at its best.

Have you ever felt so shattered that not ever a tear could explain your agony? As you raised your both hands to supplicate, its either your tears that walked the talk or you simply want the Almighty to just listen from your heart?

It’s that heavy..

They said the best person you can seek comfort to is none other than, your mum. True, but in my situation im not able to say a word because im.... beyond fatigued.

As of right now, im trying to seek every cloud of its silver lining in all situations. I’m trying really hard albeit the voices in my head is so much louder than anything that is going around me.

BUT nonetheless,

I need to fight back. I need to go on. And I have to.