#i dont even wanna think abt how thursday went ugh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dipdyedsilence-blog · 5 years

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Lolll why do i do this to myself

Hello im finna rant abt my night in an effort to get over it. So. Theres this dude lets call him alejandro. He is mighty. Fine. And one day he decided to put his phone number on my pizza box. I didnt recognize him at the time. This was in mid september. Its december 5 rn btw. Like when he put the number on the box, i hadnt seen his face but i was like. Ehhh lemme entertain the idea. Ok so i texted him right. He was funny and we small talked. Then he kept asking to meet up, and me being the weenie i was, i was hesitant nd would make excuses. So one day he just didnt respond anymore and i was like ok its chill. Bc i thought he just wanted a fuk and im not like that lol (hypocrite). Fast forward like at least 3 weeks later. (So me and my bff here would go get pizza at this place b4 our bio tests. So the first time i went nd got the # was before our 1st bio test. This fast forward is the day b4 the second bio test). So we go in nd get our pizza and we chillin. Btw i completely forgot abt this dude. Nd i didnt even know what he looked like so i didnt expect what came nxt. So i get up to get water and this low sexy ass voice comes up behind me and says my name. And me being dressed so gross look at him and am all confused and shi. He explains who he is and then im like oh fuk he actually hot lmfao lemme actually pay more attention (Shallow ik but it be like that). So im like fuk fuk he fine. He tells me that he lost his phone and so he lost my number or whatever. He is a fuk boy so i didnt trust anything he said to me and i still dont. But he asked for my number again. And i was like sure i got nothing else to do. So we talk and end up meeting up after his shift the next week on a tuesday i think. Its like 11 at night too and we go out. I looked good tbh and he just came from work. He was "nervous" or whatever lol and i still didnt believe him bc i know his type, aka saying anything to get in ur pants. But again, i was just being entertained by him and the idea of him. Bc have i mentioned that he is hot yet? Well yeah. Reason enough to entertain haha. Ok so anywayyy. He is like "i had a few drinks to loosen up a bit bc i am nervous and u r so beautiful" and i was like lol ok ma dood is rlly tryna get somewhere. I met him with no intention of having sex. So like i was just laughing everytime he would be like that. He was like i have a dog and that hooked me in. He was like "we can go to my apartment so you can meet him" and i was like uhh ok hahahhaha just cuz i wanted to see the dog. (Yes im big dumb ik but he seemed chill and i didnt think he would take advantage of me and anyway i know how to fight and wanted to see his dog). we went to the bar he works near cuz he said he wanted more drinks and he had to give some dude something. We were sitting at the bar and all of a sudden he gets a call from someone named "lola" with heart emojis and kissy faces. So im like uhhh tf lols. I make my friend call me and i change her name in my phone to "antonio" with the same emojis. And tell her to call me in 5 min. So when his chick called him he grabbed that hoe and silenced it and put it in his pocket. I ignored it bc i didnt want him to think i was looking. Then she kept calling until he said he needed to take it and he went outside. So when he got back i got my friend to call me. When the "antonio" pulled up on my phoen i turned it around real fast and put my phone away. I didnt know if he saw it but i felt content. (Petty i know). We kept talking like normal, no mention of two names. So we finally got in his car to go see the doggo after an hourish. Side note. So he wanted to fuk me. I could tell very clearly. But i still said no. He asked to kiss me in the car and lemme tell you. This man KNOWS how to fuking kiss. Dam. He asked me and i was like ok then do it. And ugh worst choice of my life bc i literally dream of his kisses. Ok so we drove to his appt. He was tugging on me, pulling me by my jeans belt loops to his actual door step when we got there. Fuking hot af. Dam. And he was just being so sexy the entire night it took so much to be controlled. On the way to drop me off i asked him if he had a gf. And he was like no. And he asked me the same thing and i said no too. Then i said dontchu lie to me. And he was like u either. Then i wAs like im not lying. THEN HE ASKS "WHO IS ANTONIO THEN" and im laughing inside bc im like this bich rlly saw after less than a second of it pulling up on my screen. So i ask "who is lola" then we both just sit there. I couldnt say antonio was a lie bc technically i was talking to a guy named antonio we just werent official. But ok so that was the intro to that whole issue. Later when he was dropping me off...( we stayed in the appt for like 20 min btw, i saw the dog and we brought him with us and he changed bc he smelt like pizza from work) so he parked his car and basically we made out for hours in the trunk of his car. Again. Great . Kisser. And so am i hehe so it was fun. Ok so the next couple of days we hung out doing the same thing for hours and on that thursday we went out out. Aka. I got dressed up and we got drinks. He is older too so he bought me drinks and i got tipsy. He was smoking he hotboxed his car like a stupid when we were parked. The security guards showed up and asked if everything was good and they smelled the goods and i got so scared lol bc i was drunk and there were the goods on school property. But it was all ok thankfully they just asked us to move. So he moved and we didnt go to that spot again. But when he dropped me off he was lying to me. He told me he didnt have a gf but he was still doing gf things with lola. I told him i didnt care as long as he was honest. But he was lying so i got annoyed and left the car. He pulled me to come back in but i didnt let him. I went to austin that weekend so i didnt talk to him then. So i texted him bc i was in a mood and wanted to kiss him bc its addicting and we hang out that next week. Same thing. We park the car. Make out intensley in the back of his car. Get near sex but never there bc i dont trust the dude that much. THEN WEDNESDAY WHEN WE HUNG OUT. WHEN HE DROPPED ME OFF. HE HAD THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME NOT TO CATCH FEELINGS WHICH MADE ME MAD. SO I LEFT. By this time we had talked abt my view on relationships. He knew i didnt want one and that i just liked kissing him. Plus i knew that he had lola nd i am not in the buisness of competing for a relationship i dont even want. I just liked him for sex things, in no way did i want more. Which he knew bc everytime we hung out we would make out yeah, but also talk bout shit. He told me that lola apparently thought they were dating just cuz she assumed so but he nvr asked her out or to be gf Nd bf so he didnt consider them exclusive but he didnt want to tell her upfront bout me to spare her feelings. (Stupid logic. Ik) but imo. He digs his own grave, if he doesnt mind being in that complicated position, imma use him for his good kissing nd buying me things. :). Ok so that wednesday he said that shit to me was halloween btw. That thursday i textd him to hang bc. Well yanno. He told me he was busy but he would let me know.ME BEING A DUMB ASS WAITED FOR HIM. But to no avail. He didnt text me back and i felt like shit. So i made my friends go out with me and i drank nd danced my sadness away. Fast forward a week later. Since he didnt text me that night i was like fuck it im not texting him nd he obvi didnt text me like the lil shit he is. Then a week later i get a mf text. from LOLA. She is like. " hi im alejandros gf and incase u dont belive me here are pics, i just wanna know what u guys did" nd i was like lmfao dafuq. She sent me actual pics of them nd i was like uhhh ok sis this is so randome, i hadnt talked to him for a week by that time nd i thought i wouldnt talk to him again. I texted her back saying sorry nd tat i didnt kniw they were dating dating bc he nvr said that. Had i known they were exclusive i wouldnt have messed with him. I responded nd she blocked me? After she saud it was ok or whatever. I didnt say abything rude so idk y i got blocked but anyway. I figured she blocked me on his phone too just cuz thats what she seemed like she would do. Even tho i wasnt gunna text him lol i didnt feel comfy seeing him again anyway plus he told me he was going to europe soon anyway so i wasnt concerned with talking to him at all. Fast forward a lot more to yesterday. December 4. More than a month after i last talkedto him. I thought he was in europe. I was straight chillin. Got finals this week. I went to the coffee shop i always go to.( Which happens to b right by the pizza place but again i thouggt he was GONE GONE and didnt expect to see him ever again tbhh. He made it sound like he wouldnt come back from europe So i knew what we had was a fling which is what i had wanted. I just wanted it to last longer than 2 weeks which was why i was a lil upsetty when he hadnt answered me that thursday.) So im working with my friend carter and im talking bout our oral final then i see alejandro walk in nd talk to the coffee shops owner who i had known was his friend but alejabdro dont like coffee so i double nvr thought id see him in the coffee shop. I literally panicked bc i hate suprises like this. I literally knew he was there but didnt say shit to him. I kept working with carter and when he walked out ( since i was sitting by the door already) i looked up at my friend but didnt make eye contact with alejandro. But he saw me for sure and he slowed down a bit too but didnt say shit. I was meeting my girl squad at the coffee shop later anyway so to see what happened i suggested we all get pizza and split it before we started working. So we went in and i was nervous as fuking heck so idk why i even suggested going there. But anyway. Lemme give names to the two girls out of squad who are the most relevant for the story. We got amy (who i changed contacts name to antonio. She is my bff here) and claire who is one of my better friends too and had known abt my situation with alejandro but who has never seen him in person like any had. (Amy was with me the night he put the number on the pizza box and the other night i saw him for the first time). Ok soooooo he brought my friends our pizza when it was done but i completely ignored him and didnt make eye contact bc im a lil bich haha. And i was tryna avoid him. He literally was staring at my friends. At me. Bc i was facing away from him (thank god) and everytime id look to the side to claire to talk i saw him there just watching me. I needed to refill my water so i waited till he wasnt leaning against the wall staring until i made a run to the water machine. So i run there fill my water and all of a sudden i hear his deep sexy voice. (Fuk i had missed it lmfao). He is like "i get out at 9 can we talk i want to explain it to you. Me and lola had a big falling out and i want to talk to you abt it" i was like fuk fuk. Amy was there and amy dont like alejandro no more bc she thinks he a cheater so i was scared at what she would do to me if i went bc she is very agaisnt him now. But either way i said yes bc i wanted closure and im adumb bich. So i kinda nodded and walked back to my seat. I had drinken regular milk at the coffee shop earlier and im lactosentolerant lols and since i was already hella nervous i had an awful stomach ache so i decided to go to my room. He literally ran after me and was like "yo can we please hang today like i missed you" (lol right) and i was like yes we can whatever blah blah blah. Amy ran after me to see if i was ok and i was like ya im fine. So i met with him later. He picked me up and we went to the bar and drank some. And smoked some. Then went to his appt. I told him from the begining no sex again. And tbh i thought he stopped talking to me after halloween bc i didnt wanna have sex with him. Even tho that thursday i texted him, i was literally planning on doing it but he didnt text me back. So. Anywayyy we went to his appt he explained his fuk up. We had a freaking great time. And i literally hate it bc he knows what to do to me and its amazing. We were supposed to hang out today too but he never called me. And i would have texted him but my number is still blocked in his phone. Either he is stupid and didnt undo it on accident ( which i think is more likely bc he said he wanted to see me again and how amazing i am and blah blah blah) or maybe he just dont want me anymore lmfao. Either way. I wanted to see him today and im big upset that he is a lil shit bc i want my mf fling and to get attention in that way. So yeah. He is still a great kisser. And he leaves for europe on the 16th and my surgery is on the 18th and i cant kiss no one or have sex for a long ass time after that how so i wanna fuk around while i can yanno. Esp with him. So idk what imma do. Uhm yeah. Also he literally shows up again in my life when im just over it or when im super horny. And idk why tf this happens. It makes me so mad bc its awful timing and im just pulled right back in. At least on the 16th im saying bye forever and thats great. Ok story over if i remember more i will update. :)))))

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

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thoughts on ice skating

supposed to be under read more, sorry if mobile is weird!

i mean ive missed multiple weeks and alll in all the society/ practice is quite weird like the beginners teacher dude keeps rambling off about like olympics skating or how higher levels have this and this move and look ive taught that advanced kid over there and heres how they do that technique rather than concretely helping us develop those basic skills that were apparently flawed at. like how do i do that correction youre just showing me bc clearly im about to fall over bc idk how to do it. and i tried being all professional and interested and make the most of it for myself, but cant help the frustration when it goes out of the easy shit into the stupid spins because apparently i just cant do it. be it my skates are too thin or too sharp blades or my ankle is not strong enough or enough support thats why its going bad? idk even but i cant spin. cant do it. idk i kinda know multiple things that are fucking up and its frustrating and annoying and its just not gonna work yknow i can kinda turn 180. no i cant do the multiple spin spin spin that seems so easy. is it my skates or is it my inadequacy? im not getting new skates tho, im only here because i have my own skates a while back, im clearly so shit that im not even gonna be a milkly good figure skater im not gonna get in on that. i might as well do fuckin ballet rather than this. im actually looking into that kinda now id love to try.

ice skating is dumb in the way that ive done it since im a child but never as a hobby, like ive done it with most the time my own owned skates since like 3-4 yrs old like young. but school only ever teaches forwards and basic backwards (apparently its cheating backwards) and basic stop and turns and idk things you learn somewhat naturally and my coolest tricks always been sausages (or bubbles as they call them here) and those are apparently baby level beginner stuff and im just :| yeah i can do those tho. and now ic an do them backwards which is kinda cool, and im more confident one foor skating/gliding. but like never as a hobby so i guess none of that matters, i did try to do intermediate and could keep up to an extent but i guess my basics are so shoddy i wasnt doing well enough for my own standards, and even now looking over tho the teacher is better and more encouraging, everyone seems to be doing crazy tricks and jumps and spins and one leg up fancy shit and im just... ya. guess i cant be over there. cant do it. lemme just stand with mr blabber mouth. it is frustrating bc yeah maybe i wanna be that intermediate level, maybe i wanna go skate with my family/old friends and show off bc look i can do like 3 4 cool things im almost a real skater. but fuck i guess my skates are limiting me and i should try use the rental skates? that are dull af but have better support? idk, ive got blisters from them the last i used them and i dont particularly wanna use shitty skates. but i dunno even what to do, i dont particularly wanna drop on some fancy skates just to find smths wrong again and im shit and cant do it. maybe id suddenly improve and feel a lot better about myself and take it as a proper hobby but realistically nah. im actually kinda frustrated i dont even know if i wanna continue. yes i have a friend that goes, yes i have skates and you only get better by spending time on ice and id like to be better bc only recently ive realised how shit i am, (trust me its confidence boosting to have skated with bambis on ice who are afraid of moving at all and then i can at least go kinda fast if i want) but i cant even turn properly, cant stop properly neither. its just ugh, i dont think im getting as much out of it as i should be, i dont know if its the teachers fault, my skates fault, or my own personality/inability.

no im not doing the dumb kinda competition theyre organising in a few weeks. the criteria for intermediate (that i havent participated in enough anyway recently) is fuckin hops and drags (my skates do not drag! to sharp? idk) and spins and fancy shit i havent even ever tried to. yeah sure i could for the fucks of it do the beginners bc its uh, bubbles forward and backwards that i can do, and i can kind of do the chassee thing kind of. but i cant do a god damn spin for the life of me apparently so i might as well save my 5 pound and ‘pride’. ugh. besides the fun part was that he was talking abt the higher levels leg up glide thing, and had us do it against the wall bc ‘afraid well just face plant’ and i guess i can bring my leg up decently high when supported by the wall which is fun, and otherwise im not the worst of the 5 beginners that showed up. but yeah im just frustrated with it over all. dunno how long the clubs even gonna continue for, theres only one friend there that i would continue for which isnt great considering means i dont consider the others easy to make friends with or ones i could be fond of enough to over look the struggle of the hobby.

i think my plan was to call my dad not only to ask if they had a preference for when my friend would fly down to visit so she could buy her tickets, but i guess also i was going to say about the skate apparently being too soft and too thin/too sharp and express this frustration that i still cant do shit, that maybe even using unsharpened (and uncomfortable) rental skates could be better for skating and just wonder what im even doing abt this all. clearly not competing but idk even if we could just come to observe/skate for fun during the competition etc or if i should just skip to catch up/pack and clean idk. also im kinda annoyed at myself otherwise bc i just tuesday saw with J and shes off for a few weeks and i made such a good verbal plan saying id do an email and a summary im weeeeeks behind on on tuesday evening and prep for class today (didnt prep but it went okay anyway) and today i would have gone to class and to skating with a healthy meal (check check check) and come home to sign up and send the other email thats been bugging me, and then do my report due midnight i havent even started on. said id work after midnight if it was taking so long so id have it done..... i had a nap instead. not even a god damn shower i was planning to have tuesday and now its 3 am on thursday. ayy. sure i could skip classes tomorrow to shower and clean my room and maybe complete a task before i drag myself to an archery arrow lesson and badminton after (no thatll be fun, but ill be back rly late) but ive skipped so many classes and i wana see and be with my friends i might as well go, and if i get abandoned work on work somewhere in between classes and maybe actually get something done? gasp. shock. and still get home and do smth like clean and do dishes to be productive while anticipating fun thing, do it and come home and actually sleep bc im fuckin that over eh. but fuck. its not just that i have 1 overdue summary from two weeks ago, i have another summary due thursday night. maybe, in between classes i could do both, miraculous i guess yes but would be cool. do two summaries, send off both and an apology email for the other, take the spare chance to book myself another experiment if theyre still running and if not send an apology email bc i missed one in class one and ask what now. and then maybe even since the calendar is out get my 3 planned viewings booked so that i can see them b4 going back home and dont get fucked. maybe even add the corrections i got yesterday to my other report. wow wouldnt that be great. i could do them now but i should get to sleep right now heres hoping ill remember the corrections then. and then id need to look at the video for the assignment that was due yesterday and bring up the files and find the debrief and begin filling it in and maybe email researcher if i need to, and do the easy part. so that maybe logical me in a clean room will fill in the ethics part between classes on friday or after class or gasp on saturday bc im not going to st andrews after all... its a lot.. i hate that two days are wasted already. ugh. uGH. well get by. lets just try stay positive, now im going to sleep and wake up to go to my 11 class prepared to do some easy work between classes. yes yes. its probably weird that who ever has read this far has read all this shit and maybe i should just keep my shit personal and not post on my main blog bc surprisingly its open to anyone who just slightly would wanna see it,and though you likely dont know me in person its a bit weird huh idk. maybe this is here so my cousin can read it if she happens to , maybe its so that you can read it and be like ya i do that and i think like that too pretty cool im not alone, maybe its for me to read back and not have to be exposed to my worst ugly vents on my plain vent blog and can remain positive thomaybe not. its under read more anyway. lets try bury it guys.

#and other things #really dont need to read this #though im aware and sorry i guess read more doesnt work on mobile and you might just read this in curiosity and i dont necessarily want #these are just my own thoughts and theyre here to clarify my head. ok

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