#i dont think they show up when i dont smile candidly either? unless im forced-smiling really hard

[britneyshakespeare]

you know at the end of the day today i was chatting w some other paras. i was a special ed para for a seventh grader today that's what i did. and the last block for them is just learning center and it's chill and it's friday and some of the kids were making pizza and no one was really doing anything or stressed or bothered so the kids and the adults just have various little shooting-the-breeze sessions although im usually not that active in these bc Im Shy, And A Substitute so i feel very out of place a lot of the time. but anyway i had never really talked much w either of the paras i was with today and we struck up a conversation about some stuff and one of them says to me "you know just so you know i LOVE your hair" and she turns to the other para and she's like "isnt it gorgeous? dont you love her hair?"

and i kinda blushed and said thank you a couple of times and looked down bc that's what i do when i receive a sincere-sounding compliment unexpectedly. and then i chatted a little more before i kinda drifted out of the conversation and opened my book and after a page or two one of them asked me about what i was reading (it's Song of the Cell: An Exploration of Medicine and the New Human by Siddhartha Mukherjee if you were wondering and i started it a few days ago). so i told them a bit about it and started chatting again on the topic of reading and i guess i was just naturally smiling and the same one who complimented my hair said "look at those dimples. i just can't w you"

#made me wanna cry a little. i was like thank u mom #felt beautiful at work. who do i tell this to? #tales from diana #i have never had my dimples complimented not to my memory at least #i kinda forget i have them bc i don't. i don't like. smile naturally and get a good view of them when i look in the mirror #i dont think they show up when i dont smile candidly either? unless im forced-smiling really hard #yeah idrk what they look like i guess #i received both of these compliments with a little bit of an 'oh shucks' (blushes) attitude #i have to say. it's not that i don't get complimented on my appearance. but most of the time it doesn't sound... don't wanna say 'sincere' #it doesn't feel like. FELT. as a compliment. a lot of the time #like sometimes it feels like courtesy. and other times. it feels like #someone will mention to me that im like young and pretty but theyll say it in a 'but im not impressed' tone which is really #odd bc. it's not like i asked? #it's like in a small way it's to 'put me in my place' or address some elephant in the room #like it's an annoyance to them rather than an expression of. you know. admiration #not that i need to be admired for my appearance but that's what i mean. like it felt nice #like a lot of the time ppl will tell me im pretty it sounds either like flattery or like some kind of weird anti-flattery #they're trying to give me a big head or they assume it's already big and they wanna deflate it #yeah that was nice tho. i talked w one of those paras for a pretty long time abt art and photography #she has a children's book coming out soon too and it sounded so interesting. i liked her a lot #i also like the kid i worked w today. i had been w her before but not in like 6 months. she's a sweetie