#i feel like a zombie every single day just barely going thru the motions

[frecklystars]

I took a super strong sleeping pill that was supposed to knock me out last night, but I still ended up jolting awake shaking after 4 hours. I really don't know how to fix this.

My bad memories and all of my rage is always in my brain 24/7 and I just wish I knew how to make the anxiety go away. I know this is how ptsd works but I hate it so much. And what scares me is the fact that I could possibly be stuck with this for years. I am praying it gets easier within months of using my tools to get better but I just don't know, I feel as if I make little to no progress because i'm doing... so fucking bad.

I don't know how to explain it, it's like, you know those spiky little sticker ball things in the grass that stick to your shoes and socks?? Well it's like I have one of those stuck to my brain at all times, it holds all of my flashbacks, my anger, my hurt, and it keeps me on high alert for seeing my abuser's S/I somewhere online. And some people really are able to "just stop thinking about it" but my neurospicy brain is like "hi I cannot get this sticker off. wow this sucks. guess I'm just gonna focus on it whether you like it or not <3"

Like I would feel so much better if it wasn't in my head every single second I was alive. I don't want to have bad memories in my head. I don't want to have multiple triggers choking me. I want my comfort characters back without me crying and flinching at them anymore. I know this is a part of ptsd but literally if I just had my hyperfixation back to help me through all of this, then this wouldn't be as crippling

#vent #like. if i JUST had f/os again. my transformers f/os. i would feel better #even if it was just one single character. it used to be all of them but #even if i had just one!!! that i felt safe with !!!! i would have SOMETHING to hold onto #i feel so aimless without a passion #i feel so uninspired to create. i am never motivated to draw anymore #because i only ever draw self ship. i am never interested in fanart #but i cant bring myself to draw any ships #and i love other things besides tf like i love the sb musical obviously but #i am so. numb. to EVERYTHING that used to bring me joy. EVERY single thing #its as if i have this super strong steel wall surrounding me #and its keeping out anything that brings me happiness #and its trapping all of the fear/anxiety/anger/hurt inside of me #i really dont know what to do. im so scared it wont go away #im so scared that this will haunt me for the rest of my life #it took me 4 years to heal from my first abusive ex #and even she didn't ruin my f/os. but this ex-friend ruined EVERYTHING for me #what if it doesnt go away???? ive never lost f/os before i've never had Absolutely Nothing #i feel like a zombie every single day just barely going thru the motions