#i hope you like this!! im exhausted ™️ and will fall asleep the minute i get this up and posted

[dearreader]

alright i’m going to vent in hopes that’ll get my body to fucking rest because i’ve been through several stressful situations and now that they’re over my bodies letting me KNOW it’s tired but not doing anything to fix it. if you want to read my rant go ahead but be warned ITS A LOT

first my friend found a lump in their breast and had to get it screened to see if it was cancer and they couldn’t go in for a week which made me panic because that’s not only my friend who may have cancer but i’m now panicking over my friend dying and worrying about my dads death and that trauma. then i started telling my tragic backstory™️ to said friend and went into detail over the abuse i got in the sorority which then made me relive all that shit. then my sister comes home for christmas and things shift from my normal routine and i try to ignore it but it’s getting more and more annoying and slowly driving me crazy. then my grandpa dies but i’m not upset because my dad didn’t like his family and tried to keep us away as much as possible and also they’re just weird and didn’t like to get together but i am actually upset in some way that i can’t fully identify because i don’t really care about him and i didn’t react the same way i reacted to his death thst i did ti my fathers and grammys death so it’s not that i’m upset upset but i’m still upset over a death in my family and shit but then i feel kinda guilty because of how awful he was to my dad and grandmother which feels like a whole other can of worms that i can’t express to my mom or sister because my mom always hated my grandpa because of how he treated my dad and my sister flat out told me she said she no longer had any grandparents after my grammy died SO I GOTTA RIDE THESE FEELINFS OUT ALONE. then my sister and i get into a fight because schedule and conflict issues if she’s doing X and needs Y because of work but me doing Y is my normal routine and i can’t do my normal routine now because she’s invading my space and it’s been driving me crazy but it took us 30 minutes of yelling for me to finally get to the root with my sister telling me she won’t take my abuse and will cut me out if i don’t start treating her better because to be fair i do treat her badly and don’t realize it so that’s on me and she snapped at me. but then that whole thing sends me into spiral of my sister hates me and we get into a fight over money but she’s actually not mad at me just annoyed because i’m playing the victim because i send her a long message that i think is detailing what she’s not seeing but it’s more me not taking accountability. then i wake up today and find out my friend doesn’t have cancer and see my sister text me back and i then have to swallow my pride and beat back any part of my brain that’s trying to defend myself when i did over react and hurt her and was mostly playing the victim so we’re goodish. and now im trying to fall asleep but my body refuses to do it even though it’s EXHAUSTED

oh, also my period was over a week fucking late for no reason then to make me miserable during the new year :p

#kelly babels #kelly rants #tw rant #tw dead dad #tw death #tw cancer #pinky tag #sorority tag #tw mental health #tw menstruation #tw periods #tw personal #also i’m poorly explaining the fight with my sister cause of details #but i’m in the wrong for most of it #there’s things she’s in the wrong for she takes credit in but most of it is my undiagnosed mental illness #which is on me to fix no matter what but it’s hard #so it’s a lot of fighting between us which becomes ten times harder since i only see her a few times a year so i can’t work on it like i #did with my mom and stuff since we live together now #but like i just want to make it explicitly clear my sister is not a bad person #sleep escapades