#i just sgagshshshbsjssj

[willowfey]

(ignore this it’s basically just a mopey diary entry that for some reason i like whispering into the void of the internet instead but i’m fine)

#i know life is rly difficult for everyone ok i know it’s not just me. and i know i have a lot of things to be grateful for — and i AM. #i am always consciously grateful every day. i am always doing everything i can to see the light in everything and everyone #& to see the meaning in darkness & to remember that not everything makes sense & life is just a collection of moments all quilted together #i know all of my feelings have been felt before and that i will get through them and that the sun will rise each day regardless #i know every single word of comfort someone else might give me bc i’ve given them all myself before. #still. i am just a girl who fell asleep on the sofa on a summer evening and woke up in the body of an adult #& everything is rly scary & tiring & frustrating and i’m sad and i want a nap and for someone else to take the reigns for a little while #even tho i know they can’t. even tho i know i’ll just keep going and enduring and living my life and trying to make it all easier #but i just. so much isn’t fair and i don’t know how to deal with unfair. #there’s such massive injustice in the world and i feel selfish for even having my own measly little problems. but i do #i just sgagshshshbsjssj #i wish i was pretty like other girls. i wish i was cool and sociable. i wish i was successful and smarter and funnier and had friends near #i wish i was rly good at an instrument or a sport. or that i had a job. or a brain that worked like other ppl’s. #i wish i lived somewhere i liked and i wish ppl liked me more and i wish i looked different #i wanna know what it’s like to feel that way. i wanna know what it’s like to be flirted with and kissed and invited out to do things #i wanna feel accomplished and satisfied. i wanna be less lonely. i wanna be less weird. #i wish i could talk to people without them giving each other that look that makes me feel like i’m the weird kid in middle school again. #i wish i didn’t feel invisible or stared at and nothing in between. #i wish i didn’t feel so isolated being 25 and never having kissed anyone #i wish i didn’t feel like an ugly weirdo freak that nobody would ever want to kiss #i wish i didn’t feel so annoying. so awkward. so different. #i know logically that what i’m feeling isn’t new. and that i’m allowed to exist. and that there aren’t any time limits for anything #i know i can get better at instruments and meet people irl one day and that things can change #fuck i still sing in public. i dress how i want. i compliment strangers even tho my hands shake after. i try to live the way i want to live #but why! can’t! i! feel! normal! #why can’t i feel accepted and wanted and stable and safe #why do i always always have to feel like the odd one out. the one at the back of the sidewalk. the one paired up with the teacher #WHY when i try so hard to follow all the rules and break all the rules and not try at all #i know the answer. bc i am autistic bc i am a girl bc i am a human in this world who is very sensitive #i know i’m not the only one in the world with such typical problems such as isolation. but i am so lonely