#i just wish it didn't come on behalf of me experiencing ableism

[annieisyourfavourite]

today might be the day i've been the most uncomfortable and upset at treatment from the trainees, even tho it's not even by far the worst stuff they've said

a man was cutting me off and acting in an accusatory fashion because i was acting tired and "your eyes look droopy". Which, people sometimes question my tired demeanor, but not usually so insultingly and aggressively. And then in the notes after, he said if he was in charge, he would have ordered a urinary test for drugs or medication by the end of the day. Based on meeting me for 15 minutes. And because I was tired at 8:30 in the morning.

Like. Not even close to the most egregious shit someone has said to me in character. But to have him in the debrief be even LESS compassionate and more suspicious of my "abnormalities", even taking into account that I got annoyed at him for asking. Like I'm playing a traumatized person for the scenario. And I, the actor, have many different disabilities related around fatigue. So the fact that he wasn't even listening to me, and couldn't FATHOM any reason why the human being in front of him would be tired and a little slow in the morning.

And then even after explaining that, another woman noted that I had both a coffee cup and a water bottle, and was suspicious as to why I had both, or why I coughed a couple times. And that made me mad enough to log off. I left for lunch after reminding them that the actress in front of them was obviously also a human being with needs, who had been having interviews for almost an hour straight. So I just needed water. Like not everything that someone in CPS does is suspicious!!!!!!

And it's hard, normally I wouldn't log off bc I was mad. But like. I just simply couldn't take it anymore. Like the disrespect of me, the actress, as a person, was so gross. And the inherent suspicion that someone who is tired or speaking slowly or drinking different beverages MUST be hiding something Bad is just. Blech. Usually the interviewers aren't like this but it just felt very ableist and personally dehumanizing

#mine #professional theatre life #fuck work #idk they might talk to me about it later #but i mentioned i was personally insulted by these degrading comments #bc i AM a disabled person #like the charatcer is supposed to be 'normal' so anything I do that isn't 'normal' #is suspicious and looked down on and insulted #idk. ableist and gross and i kinda wanna cry #but i have 2 take a nap and go back for the afternoon :( #fyi i work as a simulation actor for training CPS workers #so they practice interview me so they can get notes and work on their stuff #before they get in front of an actual person #so i know this is a good learning experience #i just wish it didn't come on behalf of me experiencing ableism #whatever this is a rant i just had 2 get my feelings out