#i keep cycling through ''i am literally so chill i am vibing'' - ''ok i'm kinda sad but thats ok'' n ''throbbing chest pain why why why''

[angeltism]

this doesn't feel fair

#➳ valentin vents #so much i could say. not that there's a point in saying anything. but also not that that's ever stopped me. #i knew it'd end. i knew i wouldn't be able to handle staying friends. but it still feels unfair. #i keep cycling through ''i am literally so chill i am vibing'' - ''ok i'm kinda sad but thats ok'' n ''throbbing chest pain why why why'' #i don't know what i want. i can't think of a solution to feeling this way. all i can do is wait but i want to feel better now. #there was no way to fix things as there was nothing to be fixed. #but it still hurts. i'm still jealous. that's all i'm good at being. #i'm sad but i don't know why i'm sad. if i stop and really think i should only be a little sad. #i want to be angry but there's nobody to reasonably be angry at. nobody's done anything wrong. #i can only imagine how i'm the only one feeling this way lmao #maybe that's another of my ''source my anxiety told me'' thoughts but #i also just can't imagine why someone would actually be upset no longer having me in their life? #especially when there's other beings. there's someone else. there always has been. #i don't even know what i wantttt #i don't want to date again. bad idea. i'm too scared. i need to recover. i should focus on myself. #but i don't want to be alone. it's terrible. #i don't regret anything. i think. it's not like with my abuser where i regret each and every thing. #it was a good thing. if nothing else i know more about my needs. i know how to have courage to bring up issues. #i know when it's time to stop trying and to let go. i guess. #idk oh my god this is a fucking novel #again heyy could be worse. if uu think this is annoying ya'll should've seen me while i was w my abuser JDJFKJDNJD #i'd literally vent like every day abt him. which honestly fair he gave me a lot of trust issues. but rip to everybun who knew me in 2022 fr #* ok i have realized it's like. the exact same so far bc i've kept venting abt this LMFAOOO but uhh. #the venting back then was MUCH more colorfully worded and often. and less somber more ''i fucking hate c's guts i want that [insults] DEAD' #and like every 30 minutes. at least ya'll r getting pauses between my annoying ass posts HJDHJFH