#i landed badly paragliding and was hypothermic in high high heat. i was my wound cleaned i was scared I'd die

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no there really was something about riding back from the volta region to accra in africa and like having hundreds of white-winged flying bugs flocking to the headlights of the van and shedding wings across the ground in the flickering dark and reflective rain. by the time we got back to accra the rain had lifted and there's a part up the hill where you can see the city sitting on rocks in front of you and how it stretches. it was beautiful.

#incoherents #i dont think i could feel a thing then or now i am always so scared. i spent that night. it was easter. at the hospital. #i landed badly paragliding and was hypothermic in high high heat. i was my wound cleaned i was scared I'd die #for no reason. i was having ocd issues. kept imagine getting infected. it was kind of nonsense #but i couldn't get any creams and i had to shower #(had to shower so methodically. in sevens. make sure no part of me could have covid covid covid) #i must have seemed insane. i didnt eat anything but a tiny bit of jollof and my friend helped me get some plantain chips but the night #market was nearly closed #its funny. how me now me then me at 19 how everything is a different lense #I'm through so much glass #i can't imagine being who i was a year ago I'm all hollowed out I'm dead I'm not real #there's a perspective shift. there's things if only i could not drown and be real that i could make so much out of #i want to exist in this world so badly. i want to feel it. i want to be real. but there's too much horror and grief and it consumes me #the beat of their wings was so empty whit #the best psychiatrist i ever had was the boss of the guy i saw that week cause i was scaring myself. but who referred me to him got me so #scared bc he thought i was manic and i freaked out and started crying and asked everyone including half a dozen professionals #if they thought i was because i was scared I'd end up paralysed (again. ocd.) #they took me to the hospital because they were afraid #god i was so much better then yet #and the surgeon guy was not appropriate enough but he liked me. he knew i wasn't a risk. it was all so useless. but you know. #another person to say I'm not manic. god i was so neurotic. well. #okay I'm rambling. it's just. nothing feels real nothing ever feels real #i want to exist have i really not existed this whole time? #i feel like there's so much i missed i grieve everything but not as much as i. #i got better on this med but maybe it wasnt the med. i was . talking to her more again wrapped up #and #hhhhh #nothing is real. i love her