#its funny. how me now me then me at 19 how everything is a different lense

[suncaptor]

no there really was something about riding back from the volta region to accra in africa and like having hundreds of white-winged flying bugs flocking to the headlights of the van and shedding wings across the ground in the flickering dark and reflective rain. by the time we got back to accra the rain had lifted and there's a part up the hill where you can see the city sitting on rocks in front of you and how it stretches. it was beautiful.

#incoherents #i dont think i could feel a thing then or now i am always so scared. i spent that night. it was easter. at the hospital. #i landed badly paragliding and was hypothermic in high high heat. i was my wound cleaned i was scared I'd die #for no reason. i was having ocd issues. kept imagine getting infected. it was kind of nonsense #but i couldn't get any creams and i had to shower #(had to shower so methodically. in sevens. make sure no part of me could have covid covid covid) #i must have seemed insane. i didnt eat anything but a tiny bit of jollof and my friend helped me get some plantain chips but the night #market was nearly closed #its funny. how me now me then me at 19 how everything is a different lense #I'm through so much glass #i can't imagine being who i was a year ago I'm all hollowed out I'm dead I'm not real #there's a perspective shift. there's things if only i could not drown and be real that i could make so much out of #i want to exist in this world so badly. i want to feel it. i want to be real. but there's too much horror and grief and it consumes me #the beat of their wings was so empty whit #the best psychiatrist i ever had was the boss of the guy i saw that week cause i was scaring myself. but who referred me to him got me so #scared bc he thought i was manic and i freaked out and started crying and asked everyone including half a dozen professionals #if they thought i was because i was scared I'd end up paralysed (again. ocd.) #they took me to the hospital because they were afraid #god i was so much better then yet #and the surgeon guy was not appropriate enough but he liked me. he knew i wasn't a risk. it was all so useless. but you know. #another person to say I'm not manic. god i was so neurotic. well. #okay I'm rambling. it's just. nothing feels real nothing ever feels real #i want to exist have i really not existed this whole time? #i feel like there's so much i missed i grieve everything but not as much as i. #i got better on this med but maybe it wasnt the med. i was . talking to her more again wrapped up #and #hhhhh #nothing is real. i love her

[andhumanslovedstories]

I don’t know why it just occurred to me that a bunch of the people who joke “a second [x] has hit the towers” were not alive when 9/11 happened. Like to me that’s a transformative pivot point of my life, a before and after. And to some of you guys, it’s like. History. It’s a thing that happened to other people before you were born.

It's not that I think people shouldn't make 9/11 jokes. I don’t think that, also I'm not in charge of jokes on the internet from everyone in the world, and also some are very funny. Like with most things in the Venn diagram of tasteless and funny, the jokes in the overlap: 1) are pure art, and 2) vary wildly from person to person. But for some reason, I suddenly understood the passage of time and what September 11th being 22 years ago means, and I was like “oh. huh. HUH.” Because now jokes about 9/11 coming from someone with no memory of 9/11, who maybe wasn't even born yet? That is so weird to me. what do you mean you don't remember 9/11. what do you mean you're 19. when I was 19, I remembered 9/11.

I grew up in Bush's America, and Bush's America taught us there were only three eras in history: everything that led up to 9/11, the day of 9/11, and everything that happened because of 9/11. That's the land I'm from, that's how we were brought up back there. If you could study history like a map, then some dates would get to be the capital city. In a territory of a thousand different towns, here’s the town with the star next to its name. If you're zoomed out far enough, the only town with a name at all. It's the mandatory detail, the guaranteed example.

It’s really weird to suddenly feel moored in history, to feel yourself becoming a primary document in some future generation's history essay. I felt a magical chronal mindlink with some middle-aged New York ad man in 1965 listening to teens talk about Pearl Harbor. I felt exactly my age and exactly my nationality. I felt like a time capsule. I felt like my mother that time I asked her what it was like growing up in the 1960s, and she told me about the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr.

Anyway, comedy shows kept playing in New York City. I read an article once about one of the shows, a couple weeks after or a week after or maybe a day after, maybe it was September 12. When the comedian inevitably made a joke about the events of about that bad thing that had happened last Tuesday, the crowd reacted. But I don't remember how, and it's very frustrating that I can't find the article, because I remember that the crowd booed, but I cannot remember if they then laughed. Maybe it was a really good joke.

#this is i think an extremely American post from me #this is a post about a 30 yr old american who lives in america #anyway. i can't sleep. so i guess i'll do some. 9/11 blogging

[rayassecretlife]

Hold onto me

Pairing: Aged up!19 Year old Neteyam Sully x Fem!Human!Reader

Summary: You and Spider grew up like one another, left behind after the sky people perished in the war, but also like spider, you made a connection to the forest and the reef—very loved by its people. You get hurt doing something you shouldn’t have, and your mask breaks before you can react, but your best friend wouldn’t let you go.

Warning(s): Mature language, overprotective Neteyam, Mentions of death, Blood, mentions of drowning, etc (i suck at warnings)

Not proof read!!! Sorry for mistakes

Some might say that human’s don’t belong with the Na’vi, that they are alien to the clan and always will be—or how they’ll never learn the Na’vi ways. But to you, the Great War between your people and the Na’vi changed your life for the better. Unlike spider, you were loved amongst the clan—even by their Tsahìk, Neytiri. She treated you like her own, braiding your hair for you, making you new outfits to wear, offering her home to you, she was the sweetest woman you’d ever met.

Your mother was very close to the clan, kind of like grace in a way. You had many connections to the forest, but none to the reef. You also had an avatar body back in the forest, but you were always too scared to go through the transition with Eywa. You’d only been in that body once or twice, and Neytiri never pushed you, but she’d always tell you it would make things easier even though she was scared she’d lose you.

There was something about you. Something…different then spider. You were treated like one of them while he was the stray cat just walking around somewhere he shouldn’t be. When Neytiri and jake weren’t around, you had their children protecting you like their lives depended on it, never really letting you get so close to danger like spider. Along the many years of living on pandora, you befriended the oldest sully brother quickly, and he was now your best friend. You two went to each other for everything, he’d even find himself on his way to your small hut in the forest just to sit and talk during the night.

You fit in at the reef slowly but surely, seeing as Ronal didn’t know how to feel about you at first. Although she soon realized how useful you had been to the clan. You were a great healer to her surprise, better then most of the ones they had already. You were also very helpful in any aspect they needed you to be, an amazing swimmer too. You were so respected in both clans, the people would do anything for you. You were one of them.

“Y/N!” You ignored the voices behind you and jumped into the deep water, the few bodies following closely behind you. “I told you to wait for me!” You scoff at him and continue to swim, holding onto his Ilu.

“You worry too much, I’m a much better swimmer then you” you hum, tapping the mask that sat on your face before sinking underwater, letting his Ilu guide you to random spots along the floor. You could feel him watching you, ears still up with worry. It was funny, even being human you had still been a better swimmer then most of the sully family—except Kiri of course.

You soon swam back to the surface, laughing at the boys worried expression in front of you. “It’s not funny, you could drown!”

“And you can’t?” He glared at you but you didn’t care, only shrugging your shoulders with the click of your tongue. “Calm down, Forest boy. I can handle myself” The wave came at you fast causing you to sink under a little, water getting all over your mask in the process.

Before you could see the sky again, you felt strong arms pull you and you already knew it was him, practically pushing you above him and out of the water. “Ow, ow!” You whine at his tight grip and he instantly loosened up, still keeping a firm hold on your waist. He forgot how much bigger he was compared to you. “Neteyam, I was fine-“

“Fine? That’s not fine! You-“

“She’s fine, bro” You turned your head at the sound of Lo’ak’s voice, him and Tsireya approaching on their Ilu’s. “You guys wanna come see payakan?” Your face lit up but Neteyam instantly shook his head, dismissing his brother.

“No way. It’s too deep out there, what if-“

“Don’t be such a loser, Nete” His ears fall at your words while you climb onto his Ilu, running a hand along its back before smiling at the younger brother. “When are we going?”

“Y/N-“

“Right now” you nod and look over at Neteyam, his eyes staring you down with that same death stare they always gave. He didn’t want you to go but he knew you would anyway, even if he wasn’t there.

“Either come with me or I’ll go with them by myself” You always used this against him because he was way more protective over you then Lo’ak or spider. He grew up treating you how Neytiri did, respecting you and treating you like the fragile human you were.

But he was also your best friend, and he needed to protect you no matter what. With a groan, he hopped onto his Ilu behind you, connecting his queue with theirs as you giggled to yourself, one of his hands holding on and the other holding your waist firmly. He hated when you did that, when you used your life over any decision he had to make—because he knew he’d always choose you.

The water was surprisingly warm as you glided through the ocean, Neteyam refusing to go under the water because you weren’t too keen with holding onto the Ilu. You slowly approached the large animal after awhile of searching, stopping in the middle of the water as Lo’ak and Tsireya slowly sunk down into the waters.

You tried to follow but Neteyam wouldn’t let you, only making you glare at him. “Let go!” He shook his head and you groaned, trying to pry his hands from you but you knew you wouldn’t be able to. He was Na’vi, and jakes son after all. “Your such a scaredy-cat!”

“I don’t want you to get hurt” you scoff, rolling your eyes as you crossed your arms. You wanted to explore, to swim with Payakan and the others. This is why you never came out with Neteyam, you tried to hide from him most days for this exact reason. “Is that such a crime?”

“What the hell did we even come here for if you won’t let me go!” You complain and he sighs in defeat, still holding you against him. “Skxawng” you mumble and he couldn’t help but chuckle, the vibrations in his chest sending through your own. “What’s so funny!”

“You, Syulang” You look at him but he wouldn’t stop, only laughing harder once you smacked your teeth. “You trying to hurt my feelings makes me laugh”

“I can handle myself” He hums, nodding his head at your words. He knew you could, but the thought of you getting hurt scared him half to death. “I’m serious, Neteyam”

“I know you can, Trust me” He sighs, sliding off his Ilu with ease and dipping his head down into the water to check where Lo’ak and Tsireya were. He pulled his head back up to your pleading gaze, practically begging him to let go. “If I let you go, you have to stay close to me”

Your eyes lit up with excitement. He’d never let up that easy before. “Really?” He raises his eyebrows and you nod your head, his hands guiding you down into the water. “Oh my god, there they are!” You both look over watching Payakan surface, Lo’ak and Tsireya laughing from afar and waving you over. “Come on!”

“You said you’d wait!” Neteyam yelled as you swam away from the boy, making your way quickly to the younger brother. He pulled you to sit along Payakan’s fin, ruffling your hair with a laugh.

“He finally let up, huh?” You push his shoulder as he laughs, Neteyam holding onto payakan’s fin to get in front of you. “Oh come on, bro. She’s fine! She used to jump through the trees like it was nothing” He glared at the two of you, shaking his head at your laugh.

“Neteyam, it’s fine” You ran your hand along the animal’s skin, smiling as it looked at you. You signed to the beautiful tulkun, telling him how pretty he had been. You loved the reef and it’s animals, it was calming to you. “Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so scared to go through the transition” you sigh, turning to look at the people around you.

“I’d be scared too” Lo’ak agrees, shrugging his shoulders. “Do you know where spider is? I tried looking for him before we left but he was nowhere to be found” you shake your head at the boy along with the other two, but you weren’t really thinking about that. All you could think about was going underwater, wanting to swim so bad but you knew Neteyam wouldn’t let you. True, he couldn’t tell you what to do, but he was much stronger and definitely could stop you.

“Can we go under?” You ask slightly nervous and the two next to you instantly nod, already on their way back into the water. “Neteyam?” He sighs in defeat after looking at your expression, holding his hand out to help you back into the water. You smile huge, slipping back down while taking his hand. You almost instantly followed Lo’ak and Tsireya down, Neteyam being quick to follow your trail.

You followed Tsireya through the cracks and plants, signing to her here and there once you saw something new. Lo’ak stayed behind with his brother, watching him watch you.

You are so in love The youngest brother signs, watching Neteyam roll his eyes before he began to swim faster, Lo’ak following behind him with a smile. Neteyam watched you closely, admiring how happy you looked. Your smile made his creep but he held it back before Lo’ak could see,

More animals begin to come into view around you, Neteyam’s Ilu nudging your leg as it passed you. Eywa, it was so beautiful down there. Neteyam came behind you once you stopped, smiling at Tsireya who was talking to one of the animals. He could tell you were so jealous, feeling left out like you always did—but you also knew you couldn’t do things they could.

You turn to the boy, giving him a small smile. Thank you. You sign before heading up to the girl, leaving him by himself once again.

But something was wrong—very wrong. Neteyam could feel the growing pit in his stomach while he looked around, ears perking at the thudding sounds behind him. You and Tsireya looked back at the noise as well, your body carrying itself over to him before you could think.

Stay close he signs to you, fingers intertwining with your own. Sighs of relief leave your body when you see Lo’ak swimming toward you, but just before you could shake it off—the large shadow behind him catches your attention.

Neteyam quickly calls to his Ilu and your almost instantly scooped up, trying to track down Tsireya but she was nowhere to be found. You tugged at his arm but he shook his head, only worried about getting you out of there. You caught a glimpse of the animal as it swam past you, it was an Akula. One of the most dangerous animals in the sea. You needed to get out now, before you got hurt.

But it wasn’t until you felt the firm grip on your arm tear away, and Neteyam was no longer next to you. His Ilu swam away, and you were left alone in the open ocean, barely keeping your self afloat. You felt so scared, so lost without anyone around you. Everyone was gone, everyone was gone and you were left to fight for yourself against this huge animal.

When you thought it had been safe enough, you quickly tried to swim to the top, moving your arms and legs frantically not bothering to look behind you. You should have known it would’ve never been that easy, because In just seconds you were thrown halfway across the area you had came from, body colliding with one of the many rock structures.

You could barely open your eyes as water began to fill your mask, fear taking over your now bleeding body. Your mask is broken—on pandora.

Just as the huge animal was about to charge back at you, Payakan came clashing against it, your body getting swept up by a moving force under you. Originally, you thought it was Neteyam or Lo’ak, but to your surprise, the smaller creature under you was trying it’s best to keep you on its back, swimming with its queue wrapped around your arm.

Neteyam’s Ilu. You knew it was unusual for an animal to create a bond with anyone but their rider, but it felt like his was yours, always at your beck and call just like him. Once you reached the surface you could hear her cries as she approached a small rock island, Neteyam finally coming to view.

He was on his knees on the rock, one hand out for you to grab while his other held his side, small grunts of pain leaving his mouth. He had been wounded—he sent his Ilu to get you because he couldn’t.

After noticing your broken mask, his heart practically dropped from his chest. Lo’ak and Tsireya quickly reaching the two of you with calls of urgency to leave. “Come on! We have to go!” Lo’ak urged but soon realized your struggle to walk straight onto the rocks surface, struggling to breath the thick air they so easily did.

“Y/N!” Neteyam called loudly as you slowly felt your air cut off, your feet stopping almost instantly as you clawed at your throat. “Come on!”

“N-Nete!” You manage to choke out and look at him with the most fearful eyes he’d ever seen, Lo’ak and Tsireya now noticing at the same time. “M-my mask is broken!”

His head whipped back around to you, watching you fall to your knees with a gasp. He quickly caught you, pulling you into his arms while he tried to cover the hole in your mask, obviously not achieving much. “Shit! Lo’ak! We have to get her out of here, now!”

You couldn’t focus on anything as your vision became blurry, fear being the only thing you felt as Neteyam moved quickly with you onto Payakan, trying his hardest to calm you with the desperate words against your ear. You couldn’t breathe—God, you couldn’t breathe! You couldn’t cry, you couldn’t move, only suffer the loss of air making it to your lungs.

“I’m gonna get you help just hold your breath, Baby. I’ve got you—we’re almost there” His hands caressed your hair, voice becoming frantic while watching you struggle under him. “Great mother—fuck!” He watched as a single tear fell from your eye and he cupped your small face, tears threatening to fill his own. “Your okay. I won’t let anything happen to you”

His heart burned with fear—screaming for help as you approached the village. Even far away, the clan were able to notice you coming because of the large animal you’d been riding on. Neteyam’s wound hurt worse but he couldn’t pay attention to anything except you, trying his hardest to calm your fear.

“We’re here, we’re here—it’s gonna be okay” He takes your small hand into his own, but just as you look at him for the last time, your air had already ran out. “Y/N” Suddenly, everything felt blank. Everything felt silent. You stopped struggling, and your once loving eyes turned into nothing—that exact moment is when he lost it.

“Neteyam!” He couldn’t hear his fathers voice or anyone else’s behind him as he yelled your name, tears falling down his cheeks like waterfalls. Everything was static, nothing was there but you.

“Great mother! Please!” He begs, pulling your heavy head against his chest as the clan approached, Jake quick to run to his screaming sons aid. “No! No, no, no!” His cries were so loud, practically alerting all of the villages around the reef. He couldn’t let you go, he wouldn’t let you go.

Jake felt his heart tear into two at the sight in front of him, Neytiri coming up behind him to see what was going on. “Neteyam!” He had to hold her back once she realized what was going on, her own sobs still not enough to cover up her sons. “Get her something! We need the healer now!” Her voice was frantic but still nothing could be heard by Neteyam, his eyes and ears were only set on your lifeless body.

“It’s all my fault, I shouldn’t of let you out there—I shouldn’t have took you” He hugs your head, voice cracking at every word. The whole clan watched him fall apart, Neytiri desperately trying to get ahold of the healer.

“Brother, it will be alright” Kiri’s hand against his shoulder was enough for him to snap to reality, looking back at her with his eyes stained with tears. He felt your body lift up and he instantly turned back, watching as a few of the guys from the clan picked you up. “Neteyam!” He tried to follow you but his father stopped him, only to earn a single push against his chest.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” Jake stood there unable to respond as Neytiri sat crying for you, following the clan’s members to the healers pod. “She needs me! I need to go!”

“You know you can’t, it’s too crowded. Please, just wait-“

“Wait? She can’t breathe! And it’s all…it’s all my fault” His knees practically buckled under him, body sinking to the sand in front of the whole clan. It felt unreal—the pain in his heart was almost unbearable. Now, Jake noticed the blood pooling from his sons abdomen, falling to the ground to hold his sobbing mess of a son. “I’m supposed to protect her! I’m supposed to protect her, dad” his words stunt his chest like a thousand bees while his dad shushed him, Lo’ak now sunk to the ground as well only a few feet from them.

Guilt filled the youngest brother, tears brimming his eyes as he stared at the blood on his hands. He told you to go—he said it would be okay. His mother raised them to protect you and he couldn’t even do that. This was more then guilt and sadness, it was disappointment.

Lo’ak couldn’t watch his brother fall apart over you, not imagining the pain he was feeling. You and Neteyam were best friends but in everyone else’s eyes, you were so much more.

They needed you. The sully family needed you. But now, you’d never be able to experience the love he had for you—all because they didn’t listen.

There WILL be a part 2 to this! Stay tuned, this is just a small little thing to keep y’all occupied while I procrastinate the smut writings 💀

#avatar fanfiction #avatar the way of water #avatar #avatar 2 #avatar x you #neteyam #neteyam sully #neteyam sully x y/n #neteyam x reader #avatar james cameron #atwow neteyam #neteyam angst #neteyam gif #neteyam fluff #neteyam x human reader

[almightyrayzilla]

I promise you, this is the only time I will ever willingly post AI generated imagery on any of my pages...but G-Fest is DEAD to me. I first attended in 2006, then again in 2009. I got my start doing artist alley tables at this show in 2010, then branched out to other shows. I even did the promo art for the 2019 show. I cannot tell you how much of my life was shaped from meeting the folks I have met because of this convention.

I'm not even mad. I'm sitting here along with my fellow artists, laughing our asses off. Not because it's funny, but because NONE of us are deeply surprised.

Let's go back a bit.

In 2018, the artist alley (AA) was moved to the lower floor of the hotel. Now I let this slide - the Crowne Plaza had just replaced the area that was used previously with the Caddyshack restaurant. Duh, we couldn't use that area anymore. There was some pushback, that maybe something else could be moved downstairs, but there was refusal to budge. Whatever, us artists actually did pretty good that year, despite a rather sequestered and tight space.

Then for 2019 - we were told a Toho rep was coming, and we were hit with a 30% limitation, which essentially meant that for every ten pieces of art we had, only three of them were allowed to be Toho related. Gamera, Ultraman, Kamen Rider - fair game. I mean, let's put aside that no one could enforce that (and no one tried) - the person in question wasn't even tied to Toho. And even if they were...they'd be more concerned about, say, bootleg DVDs and such.

Personally speaking, my sales were even better, so even with the limitation, people still did alright. Gee, it's almost as if AA is a big attraction at a convention, especially one as niche as this.

Then 2020, when our good friend COVID-19 came about. Someone decided it'd be a good idea to spread misinformation about the pandemic with G-Fest's Twitter page. Among those who spoke up were the artists who regularly attended through its artist alley. A Facebook page that was specifically set up for AA members to share info and whatnot was then told to no longer associate with G-Fest.

And for the record, G-Fest didn't happen that year because of a statewide mandate. No no, the con wasn't canceled it because they recognized the severity of things, it's because Illinois shut everything down.

Well, here comes prep for 2021 (which ultimately became the 2022 show, since it was pushed back again). That's when G-Fest hit us with the AA contract. It forbade artists from selling prints of Toho fan art (originals/commissions were okay, but not reproductions), unless we held a license to sell prints of that work. We could not sell Godzilla fan art prints at this Godzilla convention. We tried to speak with them, to see if there could be some compromise...which there wasn't. They kept saying that the reason for it was to stay on good terms with Toho, even citing a big C&D sweep Toho was doing (they were after bootleggers, not fan artists). Heck, even one of my good friends actually did get a C&D (prior to said sweep), and they have legal word that they were allowed to sell prints of Godzilla art. But apparently, that wasn't good enough for G-Fest. HMMMMM...

I was actually willing to abide by these tighter rules, even planning on trolling them with a few pieces of Jirahs and Gomess (though Jirahs without the frill might have been a bit too risky, lol). We were trying to talk with the head of the vendor room, who was not exactly being clear and timely with responses. Well, someone went to the head of the show to ask if they were being compliant with the rules - I guess they gave a different answer, because that's when the showrunners started bickering about not seeing eye-to-eye on some things, ultimately telling the artist it's best they not come.

That's when I backed out. A few of us had paid for our table/badge for the 2020 show, which was rolled over; with the option available, I asked for the refund. The head of the vendor room said the request was put in. Almost two weeks go by. I go to the showrunner, and within 20 minutes, I get the refund. Look, I know G-Fest isn't a big corporate show, and I try not to be a snob, but I expect SOME professionalism. that's why I've backed out and refuse to ever attend G-Fest ever again. But that's not where things stopped.

During the 2022 show, I was told an artist said screw it and put Godzilla prints out on their table to sell. I laughed and said, "Yeah, and how much of that was playing favorites?" I mean, G-Fest kicking this person out? That would be glorious. But someone like me? I'm pretty sure they'd have banned me on the spot. And I'm not even going to get into the vendor who was selling bootleg DVDs, so...yeah. And from what I hear, the 2023 show forbade ALL fan art prints, not just Toho IPs. I can't imagine how hard they're gritting their teeth trying not tell artists to get lost outright.

*deep breath* And that brings us to today's nonsense. After all that, they pull this. And of course they've turned off comments on the Facebook posts for these...pictures. I mean, after my turn in 2019, we had the idea of giving each AA artist a shot to do the promo art each year before all this crap reared its ugly head.

Like I said, I'm not even mad, I'm actually having a good laugh over all this. If I'm shocked by anything, it's how quickly this convention pulled its 180. The point of this post is to just be informative of what has been going on the past couple years, and why the artists who usually go haven't come back.

But most of all, if/when people ask if I'm going to G-Fest next year, here's the TL;DR version: NO.

#g-fest

[justrainandcoffee]

Against all odds (Alfie Solomons x fem!oc) Part 1.

(Crossover Peaky Blinders - Hunger Games)

Series masterlist - Alfie x Rose masterlist

Summary: Six years ago, Alfie won his games and the ghosts of those years still haunts him. But he has not choice but go to the Capitol, once again, because that's his role as mentor. No one of those kids who went with him to the Capitol survived and probably this year it'll be the same. Fuck the Capitol and its citizens. They're all the same. The thing is... Not all of them are the same.

Series warnings: Mentions of sex (consent and non-con). Murders. Blood. PTSD. Cheating. Prostitution. || This is set in Panem universe. Topics as minors being sexual corrupted are also mentioned because it's CANON.

Words: 3.1k

Six years earlier.

District 8.

Rose woke up sighing. Last week she celebrated her 18th birthday. Already an adult and yet, once last time she had to prepare herself for the reaping day.

The last six years of her life were tortuous. Year after year, praying for a miracle. But for now, God or whoever was up there, listened to her.

Just one more time.

Her brother Samuel was already up when she went to the kitchen. He was 13, almost 14, and that was his second time facing that not so special day.

"Hi, Sam."

"Rosie…"

She tried to prevent him from asking for things so he couldn't get any extra tesserae but also, there was a time where she fell ill for almost a month and Samuel was the one who had to ask for medicine. His name was ten times on those damn papers. Rose's name was fifty-five.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"If by okay you mean that there's a chance I can be reaped and then die then, no, I'm not okay. But I'm still alive and these toasts are good, so yes, I'm okay."

"Everything will be fine, Sam."

"Except for one boy and one girl."

Rose nodded, "except for them."

.

The escort who always visited the district during the reaping day was an extravagant man called Alistair Pullman, who had half of his hair blue and half white. Perfectly combed. He also had a ridiculous moustache and talked in a funny way.

"Welcome to The 53th Hunger Games!" Alistair exclaimed. He was wearing a white hat and a brilliant green suit.

The introduction was always the same. Same words, same tone of voice.

"…as always, ladies first."

Her heart was pounding.

Please, help me one more time.

Alistair picked up a paper and opened it "Rose… Gregg."

Gregg. Not Coldwell. Not Coldwell. She couldn't help but cried. The odds were indeed on her favour. After all those years, after all those fucking tesserae, she did it. She was never reaped.

Rose Gregg was a thin ginger girl. She was also crying but for very different reasons. She was probably walking towards her death. Rose Coldwell felt sorry for her.

"And now the gentlemen…"

The boy, luckily, wasn't her brother but a boy called Martin Wallis.

When she had the chance, she ran towards her little brother and hugged him tightly.

It was indeed a good day. At least for the Coldwells.

Far away in district 9 a boy called Alfred had been reaped.

Now.

District 9.

"How old are you?" Alfie asked.

"19."

"You're fucking not. How old are you?"

"16."

"Fuck off. Go home, girl."

"Please, sir! My sister and I, we're hungry! Let me show you! Other men say I'm good… I can be good. Whatever you want, sir."

Alfie went to the kitchen and grabbed some canned food and bread and gave it to her. "I said fuck off."

He growled. Not infrequently women and sometimes men knocked on his door offering sexual services in exchange for food or medicine he now had. Since he won his games six years ago that was a every day routine. And not so infrequently, too, he accepted their offer. It was a good way to stop thinking. As long as the person was adult and never vaginal sex. The last thing that the world needed was more kids. Were his actions questionable? Who the fuck cared? That was Panem not a fucking monastery. You had to survive and every person chose their methods. At least he wasn't a fucking rapist.

Alfie tried not to think about it. It was only once but…

He knocked the rest of the cans out of his table. He was angry.

It was months after his victory. A woman in her 50s paid for a night with him. And he didn't have the option to say no. The lady had a fetish for young teenage boys who were like him. They forced him to take a pill so he could last longer during the sex encounter. Not only the woman was older than his own mother but also was incredibly annoying. He forced himself to close his eyes and just do his job. It was the longest and most unpleasant night of his life.

No one else wanted him. Too rude and not childish enough to them. He already had beard. People of the capitol preferred baby faces. Alfie never shaved again in his life, that kept the rest of the citizens away from him.

And that day was the beginning of a new nightmare. Once again, a new reaping day. Another year where probably he was going to lose another boy and another girl.

He watched the ceremony from the distance. Both girl and boy were 15 years old. The boy named Philip had only one hand.

Alfie knew it from the very beginning, Philip had his days numbered. Later he could study the girl. In the distance he heard the train already waiting for them.

.

The Capitol. Wealthy, big, colourful… full of hypocrisy and heartless bastards. Full of people cheering for the tributes and waiting for them to be slaughtered by other kids. He despised that place. Their escort, Alissa, was speaking but Alfie wasn't paying attention to her.

The training centre was full of people. From servants to guards. Alfie saw how other victors talked to the new tributes, introducing that place. Philip and the girl were at his side in silence listening to Alissa who was too enthusiastic about these new games.

A short woman approached them and greeted Alissa with a big smile and also the kids. She just nodded at him, probably reading his facial expression.

"I'm the new stylist," she introduced herself to him and the rest "I'm Rosebeth. And I'm glad to announce you're going to shine."

.

Another fucking year. Rose watched the different kids being selected on TV. Same old story. Happy and proud faces on those from district 1 and 2, resignation on the rest of them.

That was her first year working as stylist and they assigned district 9 to her. The previous stylist had problems with authorities and he had been incarcerated. Probably killed by now, she didn't know. And Rose learnt that it's better not to ask.

If you wanted an answer all you had to do was wait and listen. Sooner or later, people talked. Especially those wealthy bitches ready to spread gossips.

The train was already there. And Rose prepared herself. Time to be someone new.

When you're part of the Capitol, you had to act like one. You couldn't have a simple and mundane name as Rose. Because of that she merged her both names in one, Rose Elizabeth: Rosebeth. And voilà, she wasn't a simple girl anymore.

Not long time ago she was part of the districts too. She didn't born there. She hated the Capitol, the ideals, the way that those kids were treated. Rose wanted to burn that place from the ground and watch it explode in thousand of pieces. And was already working on it.

But for now she was the stupid, superficial and happy Rosebeth Evert, married to one of the richest men there. And one of the biggest piece of shit, too.

"What happened to André?" the mentor asked. She looked at him and smiled.

"André isn't here anymore. As I said, I'm the new stylist and for the next weeks we're a team. The five of us, isn't that great?"

Alissa clapped happily and Philip smiled. Alfie and the girl remained in silence.

.

While they entered the elevator to go to their floor, Alfie realised he was mad. No, in fact, he was disgusted. At least André was a man who he could talk with. The woman in front of him was nothing but the perfect example of a empty minded person who probably celebrate every death. The next few weeks were going to be a hell. He looked at her and Alissa talk like very good friends but said nothing.

Alfie knew the place but the kids not. The floor that the Capitol gave to district 9 was big, elegantly decorated and with enormous windows facing the city.

Alissa was jumping here and there expressing her gratitude for the food on the table, the soft music on the background and almost everything.

"You're Reah," said Rose looking at the girl. Contrary to Philip, Reah was shy and quiet. Not agressive at all, just timid. The girl girl nodded "I'm already thinking about your dress, Reah. But I need opinions, what do you like about your District? I'm against all traditional, sweetie. André was good, but too classic. Make them talk about you, Reah."

"Reah wants peace. Her life is about to change forever, last thing she needs is to talk about stupid costumes."

Rose looked at the mentor who just talked. She read his files. Alfred Solomons, winner of the 53th Hunger games. An impressive number of seven deaths, one of them by decapitation. Two sickles was all he needed to be a victor. But the grumpy man in front of her had nothing to do with the photo in the files she read.

"Well, Alfred, what about let the girl talk instead of speaking for her? My reputation depends on the parade and I'm not going to ruin it because you're against it."

"It's okay," Reah said shyly. "I'd like to talk about the costume."

Alfie huffed before turning around and go to his bedroom.

The fucking Capitol.

.

But Alfie had nothing to say when he finally saw the costumes. Over the years, he had seen his mentored kids dressed as corn or a wearing weath hats. That night, both Reah and Philip represented Ceres, the roman goddess of grains. Comparing the costumes to distract 1, for example, probably they weren't that extravagant. But if you looked closer you could see the little details like weath ears made of golden threads perfectly sewed to the fabric. Plus longer weath ears made of real gold outstanding over their shoulders and heads.

Alissa was fascinated and told Rose. Alfie remained in silence.

Apparently, people loved them too.

The only thing that Alfie thought was that maybe that could help him to get sponsors for them.

At that hour the building was almost empty except for guards and some night workers. No one asked her what she was doing at those hours. She's carrying a sewing machine in her arms and some clothes on her shoulders.

Rose was trying to ignore her heartbeat. You had to start with something, right?

"To spy my husband," she said to the seller who didn't ask much questions when she bought a microphone.

She gave two fucks her husband. He was probably now celebrating with some other men in a bar thinking about the tributes and who could win.

A guard stopped her when she tried to enter the control centre. She knew that was going to happen. She wore her fakest smile.

"You can't pass, ma'am."

Rose giggled stupidly "oh, I know, love. But Claudius is there and I have a message for him from my cutie husband Lawrie Evert. It's just five seconds."

The guard looked at her and used the communication device on his wrist to speak with other guard inside. After a short exchange of words he let her in.

The message was fake. Probably the man named Claudius will forget that, but it gave her the chance to be inside the most precious room in the whole Capitol. The fucking control centre. No one noticed that she put the tiny mic under the table. Especially because everyone was busy and because the clothes covered her arms. Long life battery. Probably it will last longer than this game edition.

Once she left the room and the hallway. That stupid smile she hated so much disappeared from her face.

"Be careful with her," an old victor warned Alfie once the training began.

Alfie had been watching Philip and he was extremely surprised by his ability to use spears despite having only one hand. It's not like district 9 had a lot of wild animals to hunt. Alfie promised himself to ask the boy about it later.

"With who?"

"Your stylist. Do you know her husband?"

"I don't know a shit about her except that she's annoying and she's laughing like an idiot all the time. Who the fuck is her husband?"

"Lawrence Evert."

Alfie stopped looking at the boy to look at the victor. It was the black woman known as Volcano Girl. Alfie was a little kid by the time she won, probably 4 or 5 years old, he barely remembered those games. But for a few years Aveline Young was quite popular. She was 34 years now, almost two decades passed from the moment she won.

"What?" Alfie asked looking at her.

Lawrence Evert was a bad word. It was an open secret the things he did to some victors. Even Alfie who was one of the youngest and hadn't heard everything, knew about him.

"Just telling you, Alfie. I couldn't trust her if I were you. Who the fuck can marry that bastard?"

His head were full of questions. Not only now he had to protect those kids from other tributes, but in case that any of them could win, he had to ptotect her o him from the husband of a woman who was pretending to be their friend.

.

The hostility towards her the following days only increased. Alissa tried to calm him, talked to him about other things but he didn't cooperate. Every time Alfie found her talking to Reah or Philip alone, he approached them.

Those bastards were everywhere. Every night when Alfie looked through the window and watched the lights he asked himself how many of them corrupted kids. The answer was probably: a lot.

Four nights before the beginning of the 60th Hunger Games, Alfie saw Rose dancing with Philip a tropical song. Both of them were laughing, but he wasn't. Not just he turned the music off, but warned the woman with his finger.

"It's nothing…" Philip tried to say.

"It's fucking a lot. Go to bed, now. You need to rest," the man ordered.

"But Alfie…"

"Go to the fucking bed, Philip!"

The boy nodded and left the dining room, leaving the two adults alone.

"Stay fucking away from them."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Rose frowned "the moment you put a feet here you treated me bad, but these last days were awful… as far as I know I did nothing! So tell me, Alfred, what the fuck is wrong with you!!"

"With me? I came forced here! And I'm doing my job! Part if it is protecting those kids from monsters like you!"

Alissa appeared that moment to tell them that they were yelling at each other. Rose open the balcony door violently. Alfie was behind her.

"What the fuck do you mean by monsters like me. Because I was giving the kid a moment to be a child again? Joking and dancing trying to make him forget about his fate?? I don't understand, so tell me!"

"You know nothing, don't you?" Alfie snorted. "Probably you spend your days thinking what ridiculous shoes to buy, what new fucking bag to wear. Meanwhile in your back your beloved husband is a pe…"

"A what?!"

"Pedophile."

Alfie saw the exactly moment where life escaped from her eyes. She was paralyzed.

"What?"

"You heard me. Why don't you ask victors what do they think about Lawrence Evert?"

"What the fuck are…oh God." Rose felt sick and ended up vomiting in a flowerpot that was there. Alfie didn't move.

It couldn't be. Those years she had heard those rumours and never doubted about it. But that was new information. Disgusting new information. Her marriage it was recent, she accepted because he promised to keep her brothers names out of the bowls and he fulfilled the promises. Now Samuel was safe from it, he was 19, but her little brother Louis was only 14.

"FUCCKKKK!!" she screamed in the wind, crying. She let him fucked her without knowing he touched kids. She felt dirty. It was disgusting. "How many…" she thought. She didn't want to know. When she calmed down, moments later, she faced Alfie who was still there.

"You too?"

"No. Not by him, at least."

"I didn't know. Please, believe me, I didn't know. This kid, Philip, he is barely older than my little brother. I miss him! For me he's nothing but like my brother Louis. I never… never!"

"Yeah. I can see you didn't know. I believe you. But I don't want you near them. I don't trust people like you. Capitol citizens enjoying the killing. You didn't touch them, but I bet my ass you enjoy the games. Born in a fucking golden crib..."

"Don't you dare to talk about me like you know me, Alfred. You know a shit about me! I'm from district 8! I put my fucking name 185 times during my adolescence. I was fucking lucky that I never been reaped. I suffer from the same misery than you or these kids. I was lucky that when I was 19 they accepted me to work here. I'm sorry your lucky was worst than mine. But don't you dare to judge me. You don't know me. You don't."

When she left the balcony, Alfie kicked the wall. Everything was a shit.

Reah and Philip the next days continue training. Alfie prepared them to face the judges. Rose was in her studio finishing the clothes for their interview on live TV. They barely talk to each other during those days. But they didn't yell at each other either.

At night, alone on her bedroom, Rose heard the conversation in the control centre and took notes: Specific words, times, names, codes… She also knew that the arena was a copy of a Grand Canyon. Beautiful but mortal. She couldn't tell Alfie, even if she wanted to. She didn't trust him. He could tell this secret to other victors and it could be the end.

.

Both kids ending their training with 7 points over 12 and the TV presentation was successful even for the shy Reah.

If kids could make it, was another story. That night, the last night, no one said a word but everyone knew that it was going to be the last supper for one of them. In the worst scenario, both of them.

Alfie found himself staring at the woman he knew as Rosebeth. She was quiet and she didn't look at all like the person of the previous days.

Next part

#alfie solomons #alfie x rose #alfie solomons x oc #alfie solomons x ofc #peaky blinders #hunger games au #crossover #alfie solomons imagine #alfie solomons fanfic

[averywiseanimatedcat]

I’ve yet to see anyone talk about this:

The verse on the matchbox being highlighted so obviously stuck out to me. Neil is clever. He did this for some reason. I looked into this a while ago but only just got round to writing it out because I’ve been sick and had the time to hyper fixate on researching something I didn’t need to…

So buckle up because Job 41 is a parallel of the minisode scene when God is talking to Job. But I think the whole of Job 41 relates heavily to Crowleys character and his storyline because it’s about a sea snake.

Full warning this post is long, but it’s all important I promise.

Disclaimer you have to read if you’re gonna comment about me being wrong in my interpretation of Job 41: I am someone who doesn’t believe it’s possible to perfectly understand the bible. I’m not presenting anything as fact because there’s looottts of different interpretations of literally everything in the bible. This is my interpretation of the chapter. I don’t care if you think I’m wrong cause you have a double degree in know it all religious studies. Disclaimer over.

So where does the verse come from?

Job 41:19

‘Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out’

This verse is part of Gods description of a leviathan that takes up most of the second part of chapter 41 in the book of Job. If you want to read the entire chapter before reading this I’ll paste it at the bottom of the post. It’s from the King James version. You can also just google it.

But what’s a leviathan? Glad you asked. I spent to long looking it up.

Leviathans. The general consensus is that the creature referred to in Job 41 is some kind of sea monster. The Hebrew word that translates to Leviathan (Livyatan) appears six times in the Old Testament. One of them is in Job 41. The word is derived from the root Iwy or ‘ twist, coil’ and means ‘the sinuous one.’ So I think we can establish that this creature is at least indicated to be snake-like. It could be a crocodile, a whale, a dragon, a snake, or just an indescribable monster. But we have no modern reference because this creature doesn’t exist in modern times if it ever existed at all. So for the purpose of relating it to the show, I think its important to note that one of the interpretations is that the leviathan is a snake like creature or a sea serpent Iike what’s shown in this beautiful piece of art.

The Destruction of Leviathan by Gustave Doré (1865)

Now, these two verses from the first part of Job 41 are important,

Job 41:10

None is so fierce that dare stir him up: who then is able to stand before me?

Job 41:4

Will he make a covenant with thee? Will thou take him for a servent forever?

Prior to chapter 41 Job, has been questioning God about the mysteries of creation. God responds by chastising Job for questioning him and describing how Job would not be able to subdue the great leviathan and make him his servant, so why does he think he has a right to question god?

And in our minisode Job comes back from talking to god and says:

“I think the point was, if you want answers, come back when you can make a whale.”

What’s happening when Azirpahale and Crowley come across God talking to Job is exactly what’s happening in Job 41. I also noted that in the minisode Job said God talked alot about whales. Which is funny, because it seemed random at the time, but one interpretation of the ‘leviathan’ is that it’s some kind of whale.

So that scene in the minsode is based off of Job 41! Amazing. But I don’t think the connections end there…

The more obvious potential reference to Crowley in Job 41 is how God describes the leviathan being able to spit fire. The verse on the matchbox comes from this part of the chapter.

Job 41:19

Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out

Job 41:20

Out of his nostrils goeth smoke, as out of a seething pot or caldron

Job 41:21

His breath kindleth coals, and flames goeth out of his mouth

We know Crowley has the ability to summon fire. He summoned that giant sun thing that shoots fireballs to smite goats at the start of the minisode, then he sets fire to the house before saving Job’s children. So leviathan/sea serpent spits fire, our fav snake from Eden can summon fire. Fire is also just quite central to his storyline with the bookshop fire, the road/his Bentley setting fire, Heaven trying to burn Aziraphale with fire and the bombing of the church when he saves Aziraphales books.

But there’s some less obvious connections in Job 41 to Crowley. There’sa few interesting verses here that seem to relate to Crowley

Job 41:4

Will he make a covenant with thee? wilt thou take him for a servant for ever?

God isn’t talking about killing the leviathan, he’s talking about enslaving it

Job 41:24

His heart is firm as a stone: yea, as hard as a piece of nether millstone

Nether millstones, according to my googling, are millstones obviously, but it’s also a phrase that indicates something that is tough and unyielding, unlikely to submit. It’s describing the leviathan being unyielding to negotiations. God also says this about the leviathan,

Job 41:29

Darts are counted as stubble: he laughter at the shaking of a spear

I couldn’t help but think all these verses are very Crowley sounding. He is stubborn and willfull, unable to be controlled and won’t submit to servitude. He (both actually and metaphorically) laughed in hell's face when he and Aziraphale were body doubling and the holy water didn’t destroy him.

Crowleys wilfulness and refusal to be subjugated is the reason he fell in the first place. It’s the reason he fell out with Hell as well, he refuses to fully go along with either side. He believes in autonomy and freedom. He said no to Aziraphale because he cannot return to a life he perceives as slavery, especially as Aziraphales ‘second in command’. He doesn’t want to be under anyones command or to command anyone. It’s so against his very nature to return that the suggestion was ridiculous to him. And this chapter of Job is a parallel in that God uses the leviathan as an example because it’s ridiculous to imagine a giant sea monster being enslaved by a human to do his bidding. Just like in the minisode how it’s ridiculous to tell Job to make whales before he can ask God anything.

But that’s the point. That’s the whole conflict of the show, Gods ridiculous answer to everything is that it’s ‘ineffable’ and therefore you can’t ask questions.

I also think it’s also fitting that the leviathan is perceived to be a monster that must be slain or enslaved.

And it makes me think of how Crowley has always been labelled as evil because he fell. I think of how, at heart, he is truly gentle and kind, he’s a starmaker. But his fall, his appearance, his desire to be autonomous and his grey moral campus make him feared and a target. He’s a boat rocker, he keeps asking questions even when he gets told ridiculous answers and that’s the problem for those in power. It makes me think of this quote

“Draw a monster. Why is it a monster?”

-Daughter by Janice Lee.

So in conclusion, not only is Job 41 the chapter that would’ve inspired the scene where Job is talking to god, I think Crowley represents the leviathan being discussed in Job 41.

So do I think this has any meaning/hint to season 3?

I don’t think there’s a direct hint. But it reminded me that Crowleys character is truly unrelenting. He’s a nether millstone. And he won’t give up that easily. He absolutely won’t submit to anyone, and he’s shown time and time again that his blustering about running away disappears as soon as someone or something he cares about is in danger (ie Aziraphale). And the second coming will also threaten his creation (the universe) so I’m really hoping we will see so much more of Crowleys power and history in S3.

I’m really happy I looked into this, because I could be completely off the deep end with this analysis but it actually wouldn’t even matter because this universe Terry and Neil’s created is built around it being transposable. You can put any lens you want on it. And I had fun deep diving into Job 41. I never thought I’d ever say I had fun reading the bible but Neil you did it. Sneaky buggar.

Full chapter of Job 41:

41 Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord which thou lettest down?

2 Canst thou put an hook into his nose? or bore his jaw through with a thorn?

3 Will he make many supplications unto thee? will he speak soft words unto thee?

4 Will he make a covenant with thee? wilt thou take him for a servant for ever?

5 Wilt thou play with him as with a bird? or wilt thou bind him for thy maidens?

6 Shall the companions make a banquet of him? shall they part him among the merchants?

7 Canst thou fill his skin with barbed irons? or his head with fish spears?

8 Lay thine hand upon him, remember the battle, do no more.

9 Behold, the hope of him is in vain: shall not one be cast down even at the sight of him?

10 None is so fierce that dare stir him up: who then is able to stand before me?

11 Who hath prevented me, that I should repay him? whatsoever is under the whole heaven is mine.

12 I will not conceal his parts, nor his power, nor his comely proportion.

13 Who can discover the face of his garment? or who can come to him with his double bridle?

14 Who can open the doors of his face? his teeth are terrible round about.

15 His scales are his pride, shut up together as with a close seal.

16 One is so near to another, that no air can come between them.

17 They are joined one to another, they stick together, that they cannot be sundered.

18 By his neesings a light doth shine, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning.

19 Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out.

20 Out of his nostrils goeth smoke, as out of a seething pot or caldron.

21 His breath kindleth coals, and a flame goeth out of his mouth.

22 In his neck remaineth strength, and sorrow is turned into joy before him.

23 The flakes of his flesh are joined together: they are firm in themselves; they cannot be moved.

24 His heart is as firm as a stone; yea, as hard as a piece of the nether millstone.

25 When he raiseth up himself, the mighty are afraid: by reason of breakings they purify themselves.

26 The sword of him that layeth at him cannot hold: the spear, the dart, nor the habergeon.

27 He esteemeth iron as straw, and brass as rotten wood.

28 The arrow cannot make him flee: slingstones are turned with him into stubble.

29 Darts are counted as stubble: he laugheth at the shaking of a spear.

30 Sharp stones are under him: he spreadeth sharp pointed things upon the mire.

31 He maketh the deep to boil like a pot: he maketh the sea like a pot of ointment.

32 He maketh a path to shine after him; one would think the deep to be hoary.

33 Upon earth there is not his like, who is made without fear.

34 He beholdeth all high things: he is a king over all the children of pride.

#good omens #crowley #good omens analysis #aziracrow #aziraphale #crowly x aziraphale #good omens s2 #good omens season 2 #ineffable husbands

[dumbslxtclub]

let me put my lips to something | e.m - part two

eddie munson x fem!reader

content warnings: fem!reader, adult language, adult themes, angst, hurt/comfort, some canon divergence/au, reader is 19, anxiety, ANGSTY angst, fluff, no use of y/n, mentions of cheating (eddie kisses reader while with chrissy)

word count: 2.1K+

a/n: big thank-you to @sidthedollface2 for this request! can't believe how many requests I received for a part two! and of course I'm gonna give you what you want, because I love ya x

taglist: @1paire2vans @spear-bearing-bi-witch @81rain @casmosmoon @eggo-segual @jazzycurls @bibieddiesgf

part one / part two

Guilt. 

It’s a funny thing, how cyclical it is in nature. 

A snowball effect, coming to terms with the ramifications of your actions, rendering you paralyzed with anxiety. Your friendship with the two people closest to you in the immediate blast zone, your guilt, a grenade without its pin. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Trapped by circumstance.

You know you should tell Chrissy, she has a right to know. If the roles were reversed, her pure heart couldn’t take harboring such a secret from her best friend, needing to make things right. But, unfortunately for you, you are not Chrissy. Selfishly, you don’t know how you’d cope with that. It’s almost unfathomable, the image of her Bambi-eyes widening, heart breaking in front of you as you confess the truth. Why couldn’t it be a different truth? Mistakes happen, and surely she could forgive an intoxicated kiss between long-time friends, unattached and purely platonic. But the truth is, you have feelings for Eddie and he feels something for you. Something he doesn’t feel for his girlfriend, a missing piece only you can give him. 

Eddie was right. This is so fucked up. 

As you bypass hoards of your peers in the school hallway, you feel as though you’re running on autopilot. Keeping up appearances, despite wanting nothing more than to seclude yourself and pray that this situation never happened. Sometimes, doing nothing is the best option. And that’s exactly what you’ve elected to do today. Keep your space from the both of them, withdraw and hope they can settle whatever differences lead to last night’s events. Distance yourself, at least for the moment. Let the wounds scab over before you pick at them again.

Successfully avoiding Chrissy for the first two periods, you’re thankful you don’t share every class together. You need time to rehearse your withdrawal. And withdrawal doesn’t have to just be physical, you pray you can get away with just nodding and smiling during your inevitable conversations. Her altruistic nature means she could see through any facade, and you need time to stabilize before hard questions are thrown your way.

Eddie, on the other hand, is nowhere to be found. His homeroom seat remains empty as it has countless times before, you deduce he must have skipped school today. You should feel relief. Instead, you feel a sense of longing. It’s terrible, you shouldn’t want to see him after everything. But last night, with the ebb and flow of your guilt complex, you experienced moments of clarity. A cruel irony, the sudden lack of guilt breeding more of the same. Recalling the plush lips brushing against yours, hitched breathing tickling the nerve endings of your cheeks, setting your skin alight. And then, cognisance around your apathy hits you like a freight train, a new wave of culpability causing you to double over. It’s useless denying how you feel about him now, it would barely make a dent in the whole situation.

You pass through the morning like a specter, there but not. Scribbling notes onto blank pages, hoping if you scratch hard enough it might alleviate the dread lingering in the pit of your stomach. Floating from class to class, cementing yourself to a quiet corner of the school for your morning break. Your apple tastes rotten, your muesli bar far too dry. Nothing digestible right now, it seems. Less than you desire, and more than you deserve.

Eddie remains unseen for the rest of the day, as does Chrissy. It’s not until you unlock your bike from the rack at the end of the day that you spot them. Or rather, the end of them.

Eddie’s van speeds away, leaving Chrissy in the dust, still in her cheer uniform. A striking image, something so perfect stock-still like a statue frozen in time, it doesn’t take much to deduce that what’s transpired isn’t good. Betraying legs carry you towards her before your mind can catch up. 

“Chrissy?” Words escape shakily, crossing the short distance between you. She doesn’t respond. You know a shell-shocked look when you see one. Like approaching a stray dog, you tread carefully and prepare for a bark or bite. 

“Chrissy-” 

She spins on her heel, the white’s of her beautiful eyes red with unshed tears. Anger. Heartbreak.

“Don’t come near me.”

Your stomach lurches, an ache penetrating your core, you feel as though you could collapse in on yourself. Willing that, at this exact moment, the earth beneath you might open and swallow you whole.

“I’m sorry-“ Is all you manage to get out before Chrissy retreats, beelining for the last school bus of the day. You’re smart enough to not follow her, knowing it won’t do any good right now. Teeth grinding together, your grasp on the handlebars tighten as you mount the bike and set off in a familiar direction.

Your knuckles rap against Eddie’s trailer door with such ferocity you’re sure it could break the fragile structure. Every inch of you is shaking, blood running cold with dread. You need answers, to start the Golithian task of fixing what you’ve broken.

The door swings open to reveal Eddie, standing in sweat pants and a very worn band tee. He looks like shit. 

“What did you say to her?”

“Good day to you, too.” His voice is weary, complimenting the dark circles beneath his eyes.

He always knew how to get under your skin. Shoving past him into the living room, the air is stale in the stuffy room.

“Don’t start with me. What happened?” Your tone is demanding, causing the taller boy to shrink into himself. His gaze shifts around the room, uncertainty rendering him speechless. “Eddie, what did you do?”

“I ended things. With Chrissy, after school.”

“Oh my god.” Running your hands along your flushed cheeks, you pace aimlessly around the room. “Why did you do that?”

“I just couldn't, anymore. The whole thing felt like a lie-“

“To you, it was real for her. Did you ever consider that?”

Eddie winches physically, bearing the brunt of your apathy towards him. Leaning on the kitchen bench, he needs all the support he can get right now.

“I never should have said yes to her in the first place.”

“Then why did you?!” Your emotions betray you, seeping into your words. You’ve played that day over and over in your head like a broken record, when Chrissy practically skipped towards you to announce her new Homecoming date. Relationships blindside you, rendering you incapable of seeing a world without your person. You knew things could have been messy, but never anticipated just how bad it could be. But it scared you even more to imagine a world in which everything went well. 

“I don’t know.” Eddie’s reply is mumbled, running his hands through his mess of curls. 

“Bullshit.”

Vulnerably, you are poking around for his truth. The silence that follows hangs thick, your gaze pressing on Eddie knowing you can crack him. 

“I thought if I couldn’t have what I wanted, I’d go for the next best thing.” His words are mumbled, shameful.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

For the first time since letting you in, Eddie’s sheepish gaze meets yours. He holds it, eyes softening with a sense of pleading. Communicating so much without uttering a word. And it hits you like a bullet to the head. It’s painful, the way you want to run and hold him, and the tension you experience from keeping yourself in place. You understand what he’s saying. And you refuse to accept it. You can’t.

“No…”

“Sweetheart-“

“Eddie, don’t-“

Surprisingly, Eddie chuckles, shaking his head. “Didn’t know it was possible to care about someone so much ‘til I met you.”

The pair of you remain perfectly distanced, neither daring to move a muscle. Two stars stuck in orbit, the only force keeping you together is the fact you’ve been doing it for so long. Biting the tender flesh of your cheek as you have so many times before, it offers little relief. You’d love to say something, anything, to stop what’s about to be disclosed. But you’re numb, quietly despondent.

“Thought you’d leave sooner. I mean, here’s this girl. Pretty as hell, loads of friends, treating me like a person? Felt too good to be true. Thought the day in the library was a one-off, was sure you’d never stick around. I mean, why would you? And then you did and- I just didn’t want to fuck that up. Didn’t want to lose you, even if that meant caring about you from afar. And then Chrissy-“ He signs, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “- I dunno, I guess I thought I could convince myself to care about someone else. But I just- I fucking couldn’t. I tried, I really did. But, It just never felt right. It never felt like you. I always wanted you, and it fucking killed me. You don’t know what that feels like.”

Eddie’s vulnerability dries up your mouth, leaving it incapable of formulating a response. But your expression betrays you in ways you were oblivious to. Eddie studies your expression, desperate for validation. Wide-eyed like a baby cow, big and helpless. And something shifts. A quiver in your lip, an exposing softness in your glossy eyes. He sees it. Finally.

“You feel the same way, don’t you?” There’s an air of finality to his statement that sets you on edge, backing you into an emotional corner.

“No.” You lie through your teeth, and Eddie doesn’t believe a second of it. It’s vile, the way guilt transforms to pining. Undeserving.

“You do.” Eddie takes a pace towards you, and you don’t move. You don’t think you could if you tried.

“Eddie-” Voice barely a whisper, Eddie closes the gap between the pair of you. Running a hand through your scalp, you can’t help but melt into his touch, electricity coursing through his fingertips. It’s embarrassing, really. The effect his touch has on you, rendering you drunk, right there for him to bear witness to. Wrapping you in his musky scent, the marriage of cigarette smoke and cologne. Deliciously Eddie. There’s no use lying, not now. Fingertips trace their way along the frame of your face, snaking around the crook of your jawline. It’s heavenly. Lips ghosting above yours, breath intermingling as a sigh betrays you, causing Eddie’s grip on your jawline to tighten slightly.

“Tell me you don’t want it, and I’ll stop.” His tone is firm yet sincere, the trust between you palpable. No inebriation to scapegoat your actions now, the burden of blame is purely on you. You say nothing. And your silence is a response in itself.

Agonizingly slowly, Eddie lowers his lips to yours. A suggestion of skin on skin, so many unseized moments to back out, to stop. But every fiber of your being, every screaming nerve ending on your sensitive lips, cries out for more. Muscles soften at his touch, sinking into him. His lips catch you, warm and soft, finding yours with tenderness. It’s different, without the haze of a high numbing your senses. You feel him fully. The brush of his hair, curls falling around your face, tickling receptive skin. How his exhale feels like a caress, nose bumping against yours as his lips embrace yours. The expertly subtle flick of his tongue exploring your parted mouth, an invitation of more. But what buckles you, causes a coil to tighten in your belly, is the groan. Subconsciously emitted from deep in his throat, an unintentional byproduct of mutual wanting. Laced with hunger. Relief. The sweetest sound you’ve ever heard.

And you know, right then, you need to stop. The temptation is beckoning, Eddie’s grip providing much needed comfort, solace between his lips. You could stay there eternally. Which is precisely the problem.

Before a moan can expose your neediness, you find the courage to mutter the only word flooding your mind.

“Eddie.” 

He breaks away, lips feeling suddenly entirely too empty, buzzing from his touch. He sighs, holding the minute distance between the pair of you.

“I know. You can’t have it all.”

As if to keep him locked in place, your hand wraps around his, relishing in the cool sensation and grooves of his rings. 

“Just- let me try to fix things with Chrissy first. She deserves that.”

Eddie nods, forehead pressed to yours. In another universe, the two of you could remain there, witnessing each other for an eternity. But you need to try to make things right, regardless of whether your guilt is absolved.

“Sure. You know where to find me.”

#eddie x fem!reader #eddie x y/n #eddie x you #eddie x reader #eddie munson x you #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson angst #eddie munson x reader #stranger things x you #stranger things fic #stranger things x reader #dumbslxtclub #eddie munson request #eddie munson drabble

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

My whole renewed dive into trying to save all the John Oliver files I can get my hands on, which within a week escalated to me buying a new 1TB hard drive just to see how big a John Oliver folder I can make, started when it was noticed that this video was taken off YouTube:

I was glad I’d saved a copy of it, because I don’t trust anything to stay anywhere on the internet, if there’s something I like I immediately put it on my hard drive so it can’t disappear. I'm making this post mainly for anyone else who might not have saved this before YouTube took it down, here's where you can download it. Because no one should be denied the really fucking weird 25 minutes with baby comedians from 1997.

A few years ago I read this quote from Richard Ayoade, which I annoyingly can't find now, where he said he doesn't like this documentary, that they were just students and obviously didn't know what they were doing and some film people came in and said they wouldn't look bad in it but of course they do look bad. It was something like that, I can't find the exact quote. But I remember finding it odd, because surely no one is judging these people's actual comedic skill based on a few clips from a 25-minute video of when they were students. People just share it because it's funny to adorable little baby versions of the comedians who are famous now. Obviously they weren't doing high-quality comedy, they were like 19, no one cares.

Since then, I have learned that this is not quite true, and Richard Ayoade did, in fact, have reason to object to his weird student sketches being out there. Because apparently, some people are judging their comedic skill based on the time in 1997 when he and John Oliver did a weird sketch on a fence. My deep rabbit hole dives of about 18 months ago led me through a lot of old comedy message board threads, including one from 2006 of people absolutely ripping that video apart as a sign that comedy is well past its peak and this newfangled crop of comedians are all shit and the once-great institution of Cambridge Footlights has fallen. By 2006.

I normally don't link to things things directly from a message board on here, seems too close to that horrible thing where you take screenshots from one social media and post it on a different social media to make fun of it (so instead, I just occasionally see something I disagree with on a message board, and then write a post on here refuting it without posting the original context, to people who don't know what I'm talking about), but it feels more acceptable if it was from 2006, I think. It's not like the person who posted that in 2006 is likely to still be hanging around Britcom social media seeing who's quoting them. So I think... I think I need to quote just a little bit of it, because there was this one really long aggressive rant from this one 2006 post that was the funniest fucking thing (I won't like but it's not hard to find on Google):

I mean, I can't really communicate how bad it was, to be honest. But it was just the fact that you saw the two cunts writing the thing, sitting in a daylight-filled bar, giggling into their lager. You got the picture? Ugh. And John Oliver, who is the spitting image of David Baddiel (intentionally of course), is there with his pencil and notepad suggesting the lines with a grandiose smugness that made me really ill, and his mate (the blandest man ever) is there, with his jumper and his shoes, salivating over the comic genius he sees before him. Cunt, cunt, CUNT! They also have three girl-ones with them, all of whom have no talent whatsoever. You see one of them auditioning, where she has to do some improv, and she's shit... but the president (who looks like a fifteen year-old John Lloyd) can be heard wheezily guffawing at everything she says. And this serves only to make her improv even worse. And John Oliver is the worst. Or the one that got to me the most. With his hair.

That is, in case anyone's wondering, why my current Tumblr bio ends with the line: "John Oliver is the worst. Or the one that got to me the most. With his hair." It's a quote from a guy in 2006 who was really really mad about a 25-minute Footlights documentary.

So I would like to state, for the record, that by sharing this video, I am not endorsing the actual quality of the comedy in the few little sketches we see. I am also not endorsing the class system, the hold that a few elite institutions have over entire industries, Richard Ayoade's views on transgender people, or trivia in pubs. I just think they're adorable baby comedians as well as an interesting snapshot of comedy history. I'm pretty sure that's all it's supposed to be.

I am also not endorsing the class-based dominance of elite institutions when I say I still want that sitcom between two student comedians, Kim Tey and Wark Atson, who have to band together to get through their year-long university comedy play while hiding from everyone but each other their respective secrets of not really being a student there, and not really being Welsh. Madcap farcical hi-jinks ensue. People would watch it. I do not endorse the class-based dominance of elite institutions but I do quite enjoy Footlights stories, so I'm glad they made a really weird documentary with some of them. Also when I go to the UK this summer I've booked off one entire day to take the train to Cambridge and run around feeling like I'm in Harry Potter (Disclaimer: I also do not endorse JK Rowling's views on trans people, or at this point, on most things. Why can't we have nice things?).

I do not endorse the class-based dominance of elite institutions, but also,

And that probably the only time you'll hear someone compare John Oliver to John Robins (very different comedians, really), especially on a post that started out just being a way to share a video that's been taken off YouTube. Download the Google Drive link if you want to keep it, everyone. That was supposed to be the point of this post. It's a good video. It features Richard Ayoade and Matthew Holness and either that woman from Peep Show or her sister, I get them mixed up. And also it features John Oliver with, to be fair for one moment to that guy in 2006, quite Baddiel-like hair.

[luvmagician]

Ok, I'll be the one, Fubuki!!

you didnt say which number so i answered all 30 of them

1. My first impression of them

me and GX really had an enemies to lovers arc i could barely sit through the first episode after finishing DM the guitar stings were too much. i did not care much for any of the characters. it grew on me though we are besties now obvs

2. When I think I truly started to like them (or dislike them, if you've sent me a character I don't like)

i think i realized how much i liked S1 nightshroud first bc i love campy and ostentatious femme villains and then my love spread to regular fubuki around the time i got to s4 and then he graduated to a proper Blorbo and well the rest is history…

3. A song that reminds me of them

go fish by cub (ask me no more questions / ill tell you no more lies / about my sweet little trip to the other side) also obligatory fubuki playlist link

4. How many people I ship them with

off the top of my head 4 (ryo yusuke reggie manga!jim) but my interpretations tend to stretch the definition of “ship”

5. My favorite ship of them

idols hehe ^_^ lh4wds couple (lighthouse 4 wine dark sea)

6. My least favorite ship of them

theres not any i particularly dislike to be honest. hes a charismatic guy.

7. A quote of them that you remember

WHEN STAGE LIGHT HITS YOU THAT WHICH IS BEHIND YOU IS SACRIFICED TO SHADOW ! 🌟

8. Your favorite outfit of them

first i have to come out as an turn 60 austin powers cosplay enjoyer so sue me the purple looks nice on him secondly HIS LADY OSCAR OUTFIT!!! I WISH I COULD PICK THE BRAIN OF THE ANIMATOR WHO PUT HIM IN HER OUTFIT SOOO BAD ITS EVERYTHING TO ME

9. Your least favorite outfit of them

nightshroud outift but only when its lit by cool lighting and looks gray thats when its ugly when its lit warm and looks brown its flattering!! see theres a stark difference here!!

10. Describe the character in one sentence

11. What's the first thing you think about when thinking about the character?

“BUKI!!! :)” <- too happy to formulate coherent thoughts

12. Sexuality hc!

little bisexual weirdo

13. Your favorite friendship they have

manjoume and him are so sweet and funny thats his little guy. thats the chihuahua to his valley girl

14. Best storyline they had

season 4 makes me screammm its about absence as a presence its about how running from something only gives it more power over you its about confronting the horrors and chosing to live with them instead of dying to escape them…

15. Worst storyline they had

the jokes around his treatment of asuka in the show proper arent Great but i have a thick enough skin to slough through it… that being said the flanderization he endures in the spinoff games especially cross duel SUUCCKKK the “trying to marry off my bitch sister” jokes werent funny in 2004 they arent funny now STOP TRYING TO BRING THEM BACK. even more of a bummer bc i think his love for love and romance are such endearing parts of his character seeing them flattened down into bad jokes makes me -___-

16. childhood headcanon

regularly held concerts for an audience of his stufffed animals drew flyers to hand out and everything it was a whole production.

17. What do you think their first word was?

he needs attention. something attention grabbing like “HI” or “HEY!” or “ME!” something like that

18. How do you think they were as a kid? (Like, were they shy, noisy, wild, etc)

he was just as outgoing and chipper but also.. yk he was an emotional feminine kid with long hair who didnt like conflict and kids are mean.. but i think asuka looked out for him a lot and beat up his bullies

19. The most random ship you've seen people have with them

fubuki/shoji (manjoumes older brother) is so funny. i love it btw i think its such a serve and there are interesting ways you can spin it like yess fubuki chase the childhood you barely got to live by hooking up with a man who looks eerily like your highschool protege and maybe gold dig while your at it

20. A weird headcanon

i think him and asuka grew up in the middle of bumfuck nowhere (nowhere near the ocean he just picked up surfing really fast his freshman year) and them and the marufujis have a lil country mouse city mouse thing going on. and i draw him with rubber bands on his fingers to help with his memory issues :)

21. When do you think they were at their happiest?

freshman year of duel academy he was on top of da world baby

22. When do you think they were at their lowest?

the almost two years he spent in the nihilism nightmare depression hell dimension or the day he found out Prince died

23. Future headcanon

he does acting and entertainment dueling and shows up on variety shows and keeps teasing his album but refuses to release it until he he can get asuka to feature on a song. if he did ever release music all his music videos concepts would have a rich interlocking story ala the loonaverse

24. What do you think is a secret they have that they never told anyone?

he dodges questions about the darkness BIG TIME and even lies about like the time he lies to judais face about how oh im fine :) the darkness isnt in me anymore :) he really doesnt want to worry people i think he goes to his grave with just how much his time there sucked and how he suffered afterward. i dont think he would ever tell ryo or asuka how bad it really was

25. When do you think they acted the most ooc

this is hard hes on screen like 4 times

26. When do you think they were being "themselves" the most?

fubuki is always himself even at the absolute height of his performance and apparent detachment from reality because the act of performance is so baked into his character he would not be truly “himself” without it. he is both the mask and the wearer.

27. If they could meet a character from another show/movie/etc, who would be the most fun for them to meet?

HE SHOULD MEET JOEYYY i think joey wheeler is his personal hero… also him and ryan akagi from infinity train book 4 could absolutely kick it. two dudes who want to become rock stars and were trapped in hell/purgatory for a while

28. The most unnecessary thing they ever did?

the pensive ukulele strumming to punctuate his revenge monologue to kagemaru

29. How do you think they would be as a parent? (and if they are a parent, how do you think they would be if they weren't?)

I THINK HED BE A GREAT PARENT !!! a bit overbearing and doting but only bc he loves so so much.. hed be so good with young kids until they grow into teens and realize hes cringe

30. The funniest scene they had?

gotta be dropping down from the ceiling to call gay people “taboo and thrilling” and his sister homophobic

if you made it this far.. thank you for indulging my craziness 💖

#fubuki tenjoin #atticus rhodes #ask meme

[lollytea]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Mar tagged me in this. Thank you Mar <333

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

22

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

358,837

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Owls....for now and the foreseeable future. Other things in the past but....owls. Owls and nothing else.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

There's Sunshine in Your Smile

Atlas and the Avid Reader

A Little Change

An Exercise in Understanding

Girl Talk

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I don't, I'm sorry!! When I first started posting on ao3, I answered every comment I got, but as more came in, I realized I was running out of ways to respond and it felt like I was just copy and pasting "thank you so much omg!!!" again and again and it felt awkward and disingenuous. (I meant it tho!! I did!!)

Also I never have any idea how to respond to long essay type comments that were picking the fic apart and highlighting everything they like about it. I ADORE those comments!!! They make me happier than anything else on earth but HOW can I respond to them?? A one liner thanks feels cheap and meaningless, but a long ramble about my own stuff feels arrogant.

So I just stopped replying to comments altogether. But listen please listen!!! I do read them!!! I read every single one of them and I love and appreciate them with all my heart!!! Thank you so so SO much to anybody who's ever left a comment on anything I've written!!!

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't really write angsty endings. I guess atlas and pages both ended on a bit of a bittersweet note? Maybe.

That one ducktales fic Fearless left off on a kinda angsty cliffhanger, only because I never finished it. So it's technically an ending

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Man I dunno most of them are kinda open ended (or unfinished) I suppose A Little Change ended on a sickeningly sweet note. Like disgustingly sweet (because I was 19 and stupid and had no concept of subtlety) Penniless Promises ended with a marriage proposal.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No the only hate comment I've ever gotten is this one

It kinda annoys me. I consider your first hate comment to be a special milestone in your fanfic writing history. I've been waiting years for this. And then I FINALLY get it but I have no fucking idea what it means.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I've written bits and pieces over the years but I don't post any of it. I think the last "smut" I posted was weird werewolf knotting shit in like 2017

What kind? Fuckin uhhhhh. It's always very fluffy. Usually there's nothing weird going on. Sometimes there's monsters involved but the monsters are usually massive sweethearts who just want love.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

No

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes. A few times. And it's always fucking wattpad. At one point, somebody put my fic through Google translate and reposted it in Spanish. I would have been completely unaware if somebody hadn't messaged me about it.

The process of getting them to take it down was a fucking circus. Their ability to use Google translate suddenly vanished the moment I contacted them.

I reported it and had to go back and forth with Wattpad support because the fic was IN SPANISH, so they just kinda glanced at it and were like "This is not the same thing that you wrote. These are different words. Spanish words." I was losing my MIND!!!!!!

They took it down eventually. Anyway...sorry I went on a tangent, I just think this is a funny story. Moral of the story is there are probably several stolen fics on wattpad and run through translators, and we have no idea. There might be more of mine on there but honestly I do not have the energy to be monitoring the stupid site. I hate wattpad so much its unreal.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

As we have just learned from the above story, yes :D!!

But also yeah, some people asked permission to translate my stuff and post it with credit. Sunshine has been translated into Spanish and Ukrainian!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No I can barely manage to write them myself

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Undocumented Events of March 23rd. I might update it at some point in the next five years. But I had so many chapters planned that it will probably never reach the ending at the pace I'm going with it. But I love the jungle book husbands. I get back to them at some point in time

16. What are your writing strengths?

Word disease is the worst fucking thing ever but it CAN be a good thing in some circumstances. A huge meaty chunk of a fic. Something to dig into. Having a lot to say can lead to a lot to write. And the more you write, the more likely you'll get some quality stuff in there.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I repeat. Word disease is the worst fucking thing ever. And when it's coupled with a complexity addiction, UGGH!!! It's a blight on my life. I can't just write a simple straightforward fic, without getting carried away and the ideas just get bigger and bigger. Suddenly I'm implementing more elaborate concepts, scenes that need to be handled delicately. Everything takes absolutely all of my brainpower because I'm a neurotic overthinker who can never just RELAX and write something fun. And I WANT all of it. I want to execute all the plans that exist in my head but then I get overwhelmed by how big and complicated everything has gotten and I get burned out. Which is why things so rarely get done.

I'm a perfectionist. A horrible terrible one. I struggle to write ANYTHING without carefully constructing every individual line of it. Which makes progress so slow and tedious. I get scared to even START fics because I'm afraid I'll make myself feel awful again if they don't turn out good.

My grammar is very imperfect but I'm working on that.

I can be very unnecessarily wordy and take forever to get to the point. I've reread my own stuff and even I have difficulty following it because the sentences just have so many bells and whistles for no good reason. I completely forget a huge chunk of vocab and don't realize they are simpler way to phrase things.

My attempts at executing believable emotional scenes often fall kinda flat. Writing drama is hard but I'm amazed by some people's capability to master it so I'm chipping away at it, hoping to get better.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I don't really have any thoughts at all about them. Literally none.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I'd like to say it was Trolls but it was actually Hetalia when I was like 14. But I do everything within my power to distance myself from Hetalia, so I like to say it doesn't count. But....need to be honest.

20. Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

Currently, at this point that I am at, the ones I used to be the most proud of now feel like they were a waste of time. I'm sure that will change again in a few months. How I feel about my own stuff is never consistent. The way that this question is phrased implies a forever favourite. Something I loved then, I love now and will love in future, and that is just never the case.

But also I don't wanna be an Eeyore about it, so I'll say a trance, a dance, a romance perchance?

I really do love my fairy Willow. She's so special to me :D!!

Tagging: after writing this whole post, I now feel very weird tagging people specifically and being like "HEY YOU! Look at this post I made <33" This is like a don't look at me post. BUT I do have lots of writer mutuals. And writer followers. If you're one of them and you see this....you!!!! Tag youre it!!!!

[dimonds456]

hi guys.

MASSIVE CW/TW for medical misconduct, strong language, disability, talk of Death and dying, transphobia / enbyphobia, and personal drama below the cut. I genuinely have no clue what to do anymore.

Also no, this isn't gonna be me asking for money or anything. I'm fine there. It's literally everything else that's the problem.

also long post.

Okay, I'm terrified and I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I keep forgetting to call my doctor, and I'm also actively trying to find a new, different doctor, but every single site to do that is either down or inaccessible as fuck. He won't answer me on the website that's supposed to let you get in touch with your doctor, and as far as I know there's no way to report him for anything he's doing to me.

I have a paper trail now and will be calling him Dr K, since he refers to himself like that in one of the screenshots I have.

For a bit of backstory, I have Graves Disease. Fucking love the name, great choice. Graves Disease is a sub-genre of hyperthyroidism, a typically genetic disease in which your thyroid- a butterfly-shaped gland located at the front of the throat that regulates your metabolism- starts over-producing hormones and doesn't stop. I've had it since middle school.

Here they are in all their glory. For context on how bad this shit can get, my RESTING heart rate BPM was around 100. When I started running around, it got up OVER 200. THAT'S ENOUGH TO GIVE SOMEONE A HEART ATTACK. I was in middle school at the time, so adjust for how much smaller my body was, but STILL. Still terrible numbers, and I was literally in grave danger by the time I got treated.

(wow i love that its called graves disease haha such a funny name WHO NAMED THIS DISEASE I JUST WANNA FUCKING TALK)

So, since I'm 20, it's safe to assume I have the lifelong/chronic variant at this point (it festered for at least 6 months before I started getting treatment, and though it has gotten a bit better with time, not by much).

I don't care if I have to be on meds forever, that's not the problem. The problem is everything else.

Enter my two doctors, Dr M and Dr K.

Dr M was first, he was my childhood doctor and he's the one who originally started treating me. I don't remember much about him, just that he frustrated me constantly because he never listened. I'd tell him that my symptoms got worse after he lowered my dosage, and instead of talking to me about that, he'd point at a chart full of numbers that I don't understand and say "well your numbers look good so." and then proceed to continue lowering my dosage again until it because obvious to him that I was telling the truth, in which he'd up my dosage.

Now, as a kid, I was very much not outspoken. I still am not. I've never been very pushy about anything and always let people walk all over me, so I only really ever got listened to when the "numbers" started to reflect what I was saying. And yeah, my self-confidence it a whole other conversation and I do need to work on that, but also... part of being a doctor is to listen to your patient, right? So no matter how quiet or afraid I was, I should still have been heard out and treated like a person and not a goddamn statistic.

Then, I turned 18. I had until I was 19 to find an "adult" doctor, and Dr M kept seeing me until that could happen. But I had no idea how the fuck to do that. And no one explained it to me. I needed to be sat down and shown exactly how to do it step-by-step, but that never happened. I never got the help I needed.

April 7th, 2022, I turned 19 years old. Time was up, and I still didn't have a different doctor. I had no clue where to start.

I was living on my own now. I had an apartment I'd been staying in for a little less than a year, had a terrible home life with my roommates, had a 3rd shift 10 and a half-hour job + college, and no new doctor. I got one last prescription refill from Dr M, and then that was it. I wasn't allowed to see him anymore.

I kept putting off finding a new doctor because I was preoccupied with The Horrors™, something else that traumatized me last year that lasted from November 2021 to late October 2022. It went on for a literal year and I still haven't recovered from it at all, but again, that's a whole other can of worms that I cannot open yet. But the point is that I was in the mental warzone at the time, and just... never thought about a new doctor.

July 2022.

My 3 months of prescription were over. I was on the wrong dosage, and my symptoms were flaring up. BAD. And I still didn't have a doctor. Time to panic. I don't remember what happened, but my dad was able to help me find a doctor named Dr K, and we set up an appointment- 3 days before the last of my meds would have run out.

I just had to make it til then, then everything would be okay, right? I wasn't going to die- I wasn't going to die. I had to hold onto that. i wasn't going to die.

I saw him, he was able to get me on proper meds, and my dosage was upped from half a pill twice a day to 2 pills twice a day. MUCH better, it helped a lot. Thank fuck, I'm not going to die.

I thought that, maybe, finally, I got a doctor who would listen. But he doesn't. He fucking doesn't. He does the exact same thing as Dr M and only looks at "the numbers" and doesn't listen to what I'm telling him.

Fast forward to now. I am still processing The Horrors™, have (C?)PTSD, I have a new eating disorder that not even the doctors are sure wtf it is (might be ARFID? But they genuinely have no idea, I'm in a weird grey area, so THAT'S comforting), I have new weakness in my legs and arms that they don't know how that got there, I've fallen 3 times, and Graves Disease gave me an eye disease that can make me go blind if untreated. Awesome.

...Dr K still isn't listening.

My most recent appointment with him was last month, when I went to get a normal follow-up. Apparently they forgot to do labs for his stuff and just did them for my eating disorder, so he doesn't really have much to go off of in terms of "the numbers" and I'm the one who takes the blame for it, not the labwork people who forgot to take my labs while I was there getting labs. Fine. Whatever.

I tell him about my symptoms flaring back up, and he continues going on about my "numbers". Points at a graph I can't read. "Your numbers look fine." What does that mean? Idk, he didn't tell me.

During that visit, he brought up with me that I want to have top surgery. I say yes, and then he starts going off about how I need to start HRT before they can do the surgery. I ask why, and he tells me that it's just how they do things. I have to be on HRT for at least 6 months before I can get the surgery I want.

Now, I am transmasc (nonbinary). I am not against HRT, but it's not something I'm sure I want yet. I tell him as such, and he then states that "well since you're still confused, you should talk to a therapist first and then we'll go from there." BITCH I'M NOT CONFUSED. I JUST DON'T WANT HRT RIGHT NOW. I have 50 other medical problems to worry about, I'm not in a good position to start it even IF I WANTED TO. WHICH I DO NOT. I just know I want the surgery! That's it!

I tell him as such, and he keeps insisting that I'm just confused in what I want and basically said that I'm not trans enough to warrant a surgery if I don't want HRT.

Great. Well, now I'm pissed.

Two days later, I hopped onto a Discord server and asked if I was right in thinking that what he said was wrong, and everyone agreed that yeah, what he told me was fucked up. I even brought this up with my parents, who- although they do support me as an individual- are mildly transphobic, and even THEY agreed that what he told me was fucked up. I should not be FORCED into anything like that because I'm "not trans enough," that's BULLSHIT.

Anyway. At the end of my original visit with him, he sent me to get the labwork done same-day and then told me he would update me with what we were going to do.

Last Thursday, August 3rd, I got a phone call saying that he was canceling my prescription altogether.

My meds, which- as a reminder- SAVED ME FROM DYING LAST YEAR, which I know for a FACT I need to live since I was on death's doorstep just for being on the wrong dosage of these meds- yeah fuck em. You don't need them. "Your numbers are good."

The goal has been to ween me off. Slowly but surely reduce my pills a little at a time to slowly ween my body off the medication. I'm taking 30 mg a day. THIS IS NOT WEENING.

Now, I do make a comment I'm not proud of in the following screenshot, but the context is that I had already asked what the numbers meant and got brushed aside for it, both as a kid AND a teenager. I am now 20. So, of course, the "I'm not a kid anymore" thing pops up here, like the fucking cliche that I am. But I have not edited these screenshots except to blot out my picture. I refuse to edit them, just so it's crystal clear the BULLSHIT I'm dealing with.

I went onto the website and sent my doctor some questions, because I was rightfully afraid of what would happen if I suddenly couldn't take medication that I need to live. And the answer I got? Well, look.

I just took these screenshots as I was making this post.

Yeah, so ignoring the "I'm not a kid anymore" comment (I knew I would regret writing that and I did it anyway, go me), I feel like I was professional and careful with my wording here, right? I asked each question and explained why I was asking in-depth in hope of answers. And, I numbered those questions to ensure all 4 got addressed. And all I got was MORE questions.

And he never answered. That was August 7th. It's the 10th now. And I'm suffering. My symptoms are coming back more and more each day, and I've been trying desperately to ween myself off of meds so it's not the literal sudden change that he wants for my body. And also like, I'm sorry but am I reading this right? WHAT THE FUCK DOES "NORMAL HYPERTHYROIDISM RANGE" MEAN?? DO YOU WANT ME TO GET WORSE? RESET ME BACK TO ZERO? UNDO ALL THE PROGRESS I'VE MADE? CUZ ITS WORKING.

Sitting here writing this, my thyroid hurts. I can feel the swelling going up. You can hold it between two fingers now. I'm in pain when you tug on it in a certain direction, which used to be a comforting motion of mine. My resting BPM is going back up fast, the swelling behind my eyes is getting worse (which, again, COULD MAKE ME GO BLIND), and I was super reliant on my cane for balance today, not just the weakness in my knee/hip region that I'd been using it for. I'm getting worse FAST.

I am no stranger to Death. Honestly, my relationship with Death has gone from fearful to almost friendly over time. I feel like we know each other well, they and I. After nearly drowning at age 7, I feel like we've built a pretty uncommonly close relationship with each other. I've looked into the void, it looked back, shook its head and told me to try again. Many times. Not many other people can say that.

Death has given me many chances. I keep getting lucky. But, y'know, after dancing with Death for the majority of my life and being visited by them at least twice a year at this point, you'd think I'd start to figure out the steps to keep up with them, right? Well, you underestimate my ability to dance, ever. All it takes is a touch, and Death will have me.

"Just get a new doctor!" I still don't know how, and when I want to try? The website was down (which isn't the same website as the one I use to talk to Dr K, it's a completely different site).

"Call the office and keep calling them until you get answers!" A) phone calls are scary, B) the nurses aren't going to have the answers I need, only the doctors will, and C) you can't just call your doctor, not in this fucking day and age. If I want an appointment, I gotta book it out by months.

This morning, all I had was a half a pill. I'm running low on meds, and I'm trying to take them only as needed, and with as little as possible, to preserve them for as long as I can. But with all this happening, I... I want to take another half, but that would do more harm in the end than good since I'd have less for later. My dad suggested a Tylenol, since my throat is inflamed and that might make the swelling go down (but it wouldn't address the issue in that my thyroid is making far more hormones than it should be). So now I have to choose.

I had a panic attack over this earlier. I looked up to pick up a box from a tall shelf and fell backwards- the same thing that finally convinced my parents that something might actually have been wrong with me and got me to see a doctor 6 months too late originally. Only difference is that there's no broken plate this time. All I did was look up and I stumbled backwards into the wall.

I don't want to die. Oh, stars, I don't want to die. But they're not going to refill my prescription, and I'm 86% sure my doctor is doing this on purpose because of the trans thing (you could hear it in his tone, but that's not really proof of anything). He won't explain himself, and then proceeded to ignore me when I asked for answers. I need a new doctor, but I don't know how to get one, and the website is STILL DOWN.

I'm fucked. I'm actually fucked.

Death has been kind to me before. I just have to trust that they'll be kind to me again. And I know personifying something like Death is fucking stupid but it's all I have left at this point.

I don't want to die, stars I don't. Been there done that. I just want to feel okay. I just want to feel safe. But in this body, I'll never feel safe. My Graves will never go away, and my throat is closing up what with the inflamation, and I'm in pain, and my eyes hurt, and my eating disorder keeps taking more and more away from me, and I could barely make it through fucking mini golf earlier, so how the fuck am I going to go back to work like this?! They're going to fire me, and then what? Do I just lay down and die?! Let it happen? Because if THIS is all my life is going to be, fighting just for the right to be alive from the people who are SUPPOSED to be helping me STAY alive, then what is the fucking point?!

I should clarify; I am not suicidal. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I just want to feel okay. Please, stars, that's all I want. I just want to feel safe. I just want to feel loved. I just want to feel happy. I just want to feel like it all meant something, that I can push through and use my own suffering to lift others up so they don't have to suffer like I did. The point is to ease other's suffering as much as I can. That's all I've ever wanted. But all I do is bring others down with me, because of things that are out of my control.

i'm tired. i'm hot. i'm hungry. i can't eat. i'm angry. i'm emotionless. i'm exhausted. i'm cold. i feel sick. i'm in pain. i'm numb. i just want it to be over. i want to push through. i want to give in. i want it all to stop. i want to feel safe.

...I'm gonna try the Tylenol. I can't afford to take any more of my meds.

hah, i'm like doug from portal. save em for the end times.

I just... what if my dad is right and this is all in my head? Like, it's fucking not, I can FEEL the inflamation getting bigger both on my skin and in my throat, but... what if? What if all of this is just anxiety? What if this is all just a result of my trauma from last year? fuck man, idk. i need help, and not even my therapist knows how to give it to me. i'm lost. i don't know who to talk to or who can help me.

im sorry. I'm still going to try to make as positive an impact as I can while I'm still here, but... stars, I just don't know how much time I have.

If you made it this far, take a second and count your blessings, okay? Take the time to wave to friendly faces of your past, remember things you did and people you've met. Remember your favorite childhood bookseries, or your favorite TV show. Appreciate the people closest to you. Hug your pet. Hug your siblings. Send your guardians a text appreciating them for the good memories they've given you, if you can.

Breathe. You're alive. Somehow, someway... you're alive. And isn't that wonderful? To defy the very nature of science that we still don't understand, to plant your feet on the ground and go "no, I'm here and I am alive and I live for myself"? That's incredible.

I'm alive, too. By stars I'm alive. And I'm not gonna go anywhere until I'm forced from this earth kicking and screaming. And I'm gonna try my goddamn best to make sure that every day is as good as it can be, for everyone around me. For myself.

Fuck it, we only have so much time. We gotta make the best of it, eh? Good memories. I want to go thinking about good memories. Laughter. Friends.

Maybe that could be enough.

#dimond speaks #vent #cw vent #vent post #personal vent #vent tw #cassie don't look #ask to tag #tw sui ment #sui ment #im not suicidal though dw- the opposite is true

[anti-endo-haven]

not exactly sure how to trigger tag this so tldr: venting about an ex friend who fakeclaimed me and a therapist i used to have who didnt really help me and kinda did the opposite (probably not on purpose, but it still kinds fucked some things up for me)

----

thinking about the times ive talked about the possibility of having did with an old online friend of mine (who was a singlet) and they never believed me. i did so much research and trying to open up about it but when they told me i should stop it felt like everything i knew had fallen apart and was different

back then i remember before i told him about it i actually had known about some alters i had, they had actual names and personalities and even innerworld features. i remember one of them was a little kid with blonde hair and a pink dress and a black cat hat (exactly like a hat i used to have irl) i havent seen her around anywhere in a couple years sadly, since my friend told me i was faking. i wish she was around longer because she seemed really sweet. i think she went dormant bc of the stress our friend had put us through

i remember i had what i assume was a full switch to her which is why i wanted to talk to someone about it but the online friend i had at the time would constantly fakeclaim me and say things like "you cant be a system if youre under the age of 20" (even though... systems usually develop before the age of 10) and "youre faking because your typing is weird" (this alter was a little, a fucking child, so of course her grammar wasnt gonna be perfect) i literally remember switching to her as me and this person were talking and they still thought i was faking because "you just learned about this disorder and now youre acting like you have it" (maybe because.. ive had it for so long that when i finally found the words that have helped me describe it im trying to embrace it and learn to heal. maybe because for most of my childhood i felt like something deep inside me was wrong and broken and when i found out about did things suddenly started clicking for me)

even my therapist at the time didnt even try to figure out why i thought i had such a serious disorder, she just immediately dismissed it when i brought it up with her. i find it a bit funny though because before i brought up did with her she had told me i probably have *some kind* of dissociative disorder (she never specified) and she even gave me meds for it (which honestly made it worse, i can only remember like one thing from that time period and it was someone telling me "my energy felt off") while i dont think a therapist should always immediately agree with their patient when it comes to trying to diagnose something i think they should try to help them figure out if what theyre suspecting is truly what they are dealing with or if its something else, ykwim?

----

im so sorry for this being so long :( i didnt mean for it to be but it still ended up being a whole essay .. anyway this is my first time posting to this blog so hi !

id like to claim an anon tag, would 🌌🕹️ or tsc/the stardust crusaders be okay?

That ex-friend is wild… You can absolutely be a system under the age of 20, I’ve seen 14 year olds get an official diagnosis and be able to get some help/support for it. Not a lot of people might know about it until they’re older especially in therapy because they have to cross bases and make sure it isn’t something else. And even if someone does months/years of research, they might not fully know or be questioning for a while.

Some people also accept it faster than others. That doesn’t make them fake either. For us, we had started questioning when we were around 19, doing research and everything to help out and going to different sources, we’re now 20 and a little bit past the “I’m fake” self-doubt (imposter syndrome) and doing what we can to function.

Your therapist should have absolutely made sure to cross bases. I’m not saying that in like a bad way. But the medication pushing just… isn’t it. That seems really strange to me to just agree, not ask questions on why, and just give medication out like that…

But you guys aren’t fake, that friend is gone, hopefully that therapist, too. I hope you all are doing better!

And, yep! You can claim all of those!

#🌌🕹️ #tsc sys #the stardust crusaders #anti endo #did system #system #osddid #traumagenic system #endos dni #endos not for you #actually did #actually traumagenic #did plural #did plurality #osdd plural #osdd plurality #tw fakeclaiming #tw fakeclaiming mention #tw medication #tw meds mention #tw medicine #tw medicine mention #anti-endo-haven-vents #anti-endo-haven-vent

[lieutenant-amuel]

7, 19 and 20 for your writer’s ask game please?

Sure! Thank you!

7. How do you choose which POV to write from?

Now that’s an interesting question because I recently read some articles about POVs just to find out I in fact never thought about which POV I write from XD

Of course I knew there were the first/second/third person POVs, but I sincerely had no idea the third person could be limited and omniscient. After reading I realized that all my fics are the mix of both third person POVs, but I never aimed for it. I just write the way it’s most comfortable to me.

I never considered first and second person POVs, because I’m not sure how to write them and I think I can tell more by using the third person (how does even the narrative from the second person look like I know the used pronoun is you but just how I never read any books from this point of view)

Whether I prefer limited or omniscient POV, I think it depends on the scene I write. Sometimes it’s better to use limited so the readers know as much as the character from whose POV I write so I won’t spoil everything. Sometimes it’s better to use omniscient when I write some descriptive scenes (of weather or whatever) because in that case I don’t focus on the character’s feelings and thoughts.

As I said, for all my fics I use third person, both limited and omniscient. It depends on the scene I write.

For WBTL I also use both limited and omniscient. It’s mostly written from Gabe and Valerio’s POV, but I’ve also written some scenes from Ángel, Frida, Emilio, and some other characters’ POV, too. It’s called third person multiple, I think.

Ajhsbdjjf I also read somewhere that it’s better to use just one POV for your story, and if it’s third person limited, it’s better to tell the story from one character’s POV, but as you can see, I elect to ignore it :’D

Anyway, to answer the question without my ramblings, I don’t choose the POV - the POV chooses me.

19. What is the most-used tag on your ao3?

I’m not lying by saying I’m funny, I guess XD

It could look more interesting if I’ve written more fics but alas.

20. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

Alright, this question is also interesting and quite difficult as well.

If we count ALL my fics, I think the only thing we can consider a repeated pattern is symbolic elements. In Always With You, Isla de Sueños, and Home for Navidad those symbolic elements are the weather.

When things are bad~, the weather is also bad (in both Always With You and Isla de Sueños this bad weather is a strong wind, whereas in Home for Navidad this is a snow storm). In all cases it connects with the characters’ emotional state, so when they calm down, the weather also calms down (alright, in Home for Navidad it doesn’t really work, because the weather calms down after Mateo casts a spell but shhh)

In Blooming Rose this symbolic element is the rose that can’t spread its petals because it’s overshadowed by other roses but blooms eventually when given enough space to grow - this is a metaphor of Gabe in the guard.

WBTL is also full of symbolism, whether this is:

Weather again - Gabe and Max watch the clear starry sky in the latest chapter - Gabe is free from solving the hideout mystery, the downpour ends after Gabe tells the nameless girl about his feelings about Frida.

Dream sequences - Valerio’s dream in the 12th chapter and Gabe’s dream in the 20th chapter. They’re just full of different symbols, I could talk about them for hours if it wasn’t spoilery.

A quick digression: I once read an article called something like Top-5 things you should never include in your book, and one of them was a dream sequence. I swear after I read it something broke in me because this is literally my FAVOURITE thing to write :’DDDD

Stories - The Man in the Cloak - this story is a metaphor in essence there’s even a metaphor! And a clever one if you ask me!; The Eagle and The Crow - this is a metaphor of Valerio and Emilio; Tales of the Dragon Slayer - the first story is not really a metaphor, but the second one in the 11th chapter, the one Ángel tells via the puppet show, is.

Objects - the three-masted ship Valerio floats in the 13th chapter has three masts for reason.

Characters’ names - almost every character’s name has a meaning that fits them (the best one is Emilio - rival).

(the funny thing is that I’m currently writing a new one-shot, and for now it has no symbolic elements, so this is not a repeated pattern of all my fics after all :’D)

Either way it’s really the only thing I can catch in all my current works.

If we’re talking about repeated patterns in general, I think I could also mention timid love confessions because I like the friends-to-lovers trope? Since in both my romantic fics Gabe was afraid to confess his feelings whether it was Elena or Naomi, depending on the ship. And if I had a love storyline in WBTL, I think I could write something similar (at least Emilio definitely was timid when he told Verónica he loved her).

I also often write hurt/comfort scenes? All my fics, excluding Isla de Sueños and Blooming Rose (although I think it’s still possible to interpret Francisco and Gabe’s conversation as comforting since Francisco actively praised Gabe even if it was rather subtle), are about one character comforting another (in WBTL it also happens often).

I think I also often make characters recall the past, whether it’s sharing the memories with someone, taking past experience into account, or just thinking about the past like in case of Home for Navidad when Blanca recalls the memories of her and little Gabe baking together.

And now it’s really all I can think about XD

Thank you so much for the ask again!

Writer Ask Game

#Aks me anything #Ask game #I just noticed most of my answers to those ask game questions are so long #I can’t believe I actually like talking #Sorry for that ajhsbdjfj

[old-scalebag]

How big is he? (dragon form)

We know that Tellius dragons are huge but how big is the old man? Canon Answer? fuck if i know man, its complicated... under read more as to not eat the dash. RD spoilers Short answer for those who don't want to look: 19 ft (for now)

This has been keeping me up at night. Apologies if nothing makes sense as its 3 am rn. SO, if i were just to grab the art from the art book between him and his son.

He's not that big! Kinda funny that in this, the old man is almost as tall as his son's dragon form. This also fits with their size difference within feh which is neat:D

Buuuut nothing is simple in Tellius. Not heights, not timelines. When you battle Dheginsea with Kurthnaga in the tower, Kurth reaches around Dheginsea's mid section in his dragon form.

Now, in-game Nasir and Gareth' dragon form are close to Dheginsea's size. Gareth being bigger than the average npc dragons, and much meatier than the old man, is the one closer to his height. Ena also dwarfs Kurthnaga within battle animations. Which doesnt make much sense when you put her and her dragon form art next to kurths. Even when you scale her to be the same size as him. But whatever, lets just see how tall the old man would be.

However, there's a CG where we have kurthnaga with ena, elincia and her pegasus. So, grabbing ena and disregarding the distance between where she is in 3d space and kurth... Well, he comes out as being 4 ena tall! Now why is he tall here when in game he's a horse and a half tall? Dont know! Moving on!

Then grabbing this rough eyeballing and applying it to the art kurth becomes much bigger.

So does Dheginsea if we use the in-game height difference between his son.

Mind you within toa i have him as 7'1.4 in his human form, so if we take the tallest of his forms here he's fucking massive. 30 ish feet. If its to art book height, Dheginsea would be 5 Enas tall roughly. So about 21 feet and 3.2 inches ish. Maybe even a foot or two less.

Now despite the inconsistencies all i gotta do is simply choose a size for his dragon form right? No.. i haven't even calculated how tall he is in the 3 heroes art that appears in game...

I was gonna use perspective between where he stands and where Soan and by proxy where Altina is. However, we dont see where exactly he stands on the ground... BUT i used the next best thing! some random dudes head!

Now this is a mess but what's important is Altina and the magenta box. If there was a process sketches of this drawing i would have used it in a heart beat. Since there isn't one i had to make do with trying to decipher which soldier was closest to where Dheginsea stood. I could have used the guys in the air by dheginsea to the left however i don't then wanna measure everything via feet pics...

so grabbing the dudes head i started stacking.

Now, we kinda ish know how tall Altina thanks to an feh alt but I'm using her here that way we have a human to compare Dheginseas dragon form too. A fun tid bit, holy fuck Soan you're big.

The cyan line is aligned to be at the same angle as the old mans hips. Now lets see how big he is in this drawing.

Neat! soo what does this mean? conceptually this measurement puts his height (dragon form) closer to the third image of this post. I see his height in dragon form being roughly around 19ft. This can and could change depending on if or not someone picks up his youngest son or Gareth. Here's an image of it for those like me who cannot visualize height through numbers

#ooc #ooc: headcanons and meta #this has been eating at me and i needed to solve this now or else i'd erode #i do not know why the images are so fuzzy

[taee]

All power to you for loving it but I fucking hate it. What are they even trying to say in the chorus? For real please explain.

Oh wow. I've never had someone demand something in such a rude way before but today's your good day, I'll humor you.

Funny how you decided to only focus and pick on the english lyrics in the chorus among the other korean lyrics in the entire song by a korean singer but you do you I guess. I'm not saying you can't have your own opinion, you can. And I know it reads awkwardly in english but I believe its fair to look at the entire song and the message it is trying to put across carefully before making your judgement and sending this in literally right after listening to the song.

Before I start, please know that these are just MY own interpretation of the song, from MY own perspective. More under the cut.

Yoongi said the song conveys the message he wanted to tell himself, and that it was written when he couldn't do anything during Covid-19, when he thought he 'lost' everything.

"So time is yet now Right here to go"

I'd assume what he meant here is that the sense of time is lost. Time is flowing by so readily that now doesn't feel like now anymore. Notice how so many of the scenes in the mv have different lightings to show different times of the day? In a blink of an eye its sunset, another sip of his coffee and its day time again. I'm sure I don't need to talk about how the pandemic has distorted the sense of time for some of us.

"I know you know Anything does know"

I believe this refers to the fact that he knows he needs to face up to something or to break out from a certain cycle. Perhaps regarding coming to terms with the fact that something is lost or gone? Since he does also sing: "So far away, you’re gone Getting far away Too far away, you’re gone I know I have to know"

And then in the next one:

"Nobody doesn't know anymore"

Its a double negative so it basically means everyone knows now. Maybe at the end of everything he does come to a conclusion. On why he is feeling a certain way or why things turn out to be what they are.

Again I need to stress that these are just MY own views. They may or may not reflect Yoongi's own thoughts. I only said so much because you asked me to explain, and so I did. If you still hate the song, that's okay! I love it and I will continue to rave about it, just so you know you can block me if you're following me so you won't have to witness me filling your dash with content about the song you hate. Have a great day ahead!

#answered #anon

[jovenshires]

💛Smoshblr December Asks Day 19💙

What are your top 3 fave/dream cast constellations for smosh vids? (so typically 4-6 people each)

Bonus: What are your top 3 smosh ships?

ohhhh boy.... its like picking between my kids......

arasha-courtney-spencer-tommy: everything to me. think about this. arasha and courtney is everything. arasha and spencer are sibs (to me). arasha and tommy are SO funny. and of course spourtommy is Everything so like there is no loss here there is only fun and silliness. anyone else is just bonus <3

amanda-angela-chanse-damien-shayne: thats damn right! the sword af crew! i honestly don't even think i need to explain this one bc every combination here contains gut-busting laughter.

anthony-ian-angela-chanse-arasha: just two dads and their kids. once again every combo here is more elite than the last, so i don't think i Really need to explain, but im truly obsessed with the way anthony interacts with the new cast. they are all unhinged all the time and he is a bemused, exhausted father of three who works three jobs and doesn't understand a Single word they say but supports them anyway.

and ships...... that one is SO much harder.

spommy: i mean. obviously. im sorry they're everything to me. silly lil guys. what would i be without their homoerotic friendship and the consequential birth of spommy nation

shaymien: i mean. the ogs. i was living in this fandom when they were THE ship and rightfully so. they will always have an incredibly special place in my heart <3

now.......... this is so tough. bc tbh there's only two options but the question is Which One. now im gonna put them both here bc they honestly tie BUT i will give you a definitive answer bc i have one. the two are shackie (they will ALWAYS be famous to me.........) and amangela (oh my god. im ill just thinking about it.). both of them are everything to me for different reasons and i truly love them equally BUT. im gonna go with amangela on a technicality bc. is shackie technically a smosh ship if jackie doesn't work there anymore :') (it is to me and i love them ravenously okay. if shackie has no fans i am dead. you know how it goes.)

i wanna give a bonus shoutout to honorable mentions shaynse, kimney, courtivia, courtrasha, triple a (altogether AND in every combo), spourtney, jamien, ianthony, and definitely some others that im missing bc truly this was such a tough question for my multi-shipping ass

#smoshblr december asks #stella #shipping #ask #asks #wallpaper inside my heart