#i need to push myself like that more so i dont get complacent w my art and shit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sucktacular · 8 months

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cw weight loss mention.

today.... is a good readmore!! good news!! a lil bit of a vent here and there cuz my brain is a mine field, but over all im feeling kind of good?

not to like.... pat my own lil head about it or anything but i went outside today. AND i went on a WALK on my OWN around the neighbourhood.... I've never walked around here on my own, and i think the last time I went out for a walk on my own was a year and a half ago when i had to come out here to check out the room for rent (current room). so its really been a hot fuckin minute. i was honestly feeling super anxious. but i put in my head phones and listened to my music and text-talked to some friends and it made it a lil easier. ; w;

I've been working out a lot too for the past few days!!!! My lil weights and lots of other exercises.... I feel really good about it so far honestly and I really hope maybe I can keep this up. especially through winter.

honestly im terrified of winter coming. i really dont want to feel stuck inside again and things get worse? I want so badly to go outside on my own. Be able to do shopping when I need. Go get little treats! Take care of myself and my needs. I'd really really like to work on getting a job or some sort of money source.because disability denied me over and over despite having even a therapist letter confirming like. heyyy theyre fucked up!!!, but like.... i want so badly to have money again. and i want to save and i want to put it away and also... being on social assistance im not allowed to leave canada for more than 7 days in a row and that is straining the FUCK out of my relationship and like my life moving forward at all in general. we cant go on a trip to the Adirondacks for the seasonal change and im super fucking bummed out about it honestly. and its literally just cuz of social assistance keeping me at home. its literally so fucked.

but anyway. im trying my fucking damnedest and im trying soooooo hard to keep upright and now sink and slip back down. Ive got some friends in my corner. and thats great. but its all on me at the end of the day. and if im being frank i fucking HATE HOW IM LIVING!!!!!!!! I DONT WANT!!!! TO BE DEPENDANT!!!! ON PEOPLE!!!!! i dont want to be stuck at home, the summer is fucking gone and i barely did anything.... i want to go out! i want to go to concerts! i want to go to festivals!! i want to go to meet ups and visit friends and i want to do so many fucking things!!! i want to explore, i want to see the world, i want to eat food and meet ppl and experience. i want so much out of my life. but im absolutely holding myself back. and i know its not entirely on me to just push myself out of that because i also dont want to burn out. and i know mental illness and i know i know i know.

but

im so tired of this. im literally clawing in my cage here and i dont feel like anyone really GETS that? idk idk maybe ppl do im just out of my mind and this ISNT ME. this isnt who i want to be, and i know i dont really get much of an option in that? cuz my brain is going to fucking keep doing what it is doing. but i AM getting therapy. I AM talking about the hard hard fucking shit. the shit that makes me want to kms the shit that makes me want to peel my skin off or just disappear entirely. im trying. and i dont want to crash and i dont want to burn and go back to this again. but like... idk man if i dont fucking push myself up im NOT gonna get back up. im complacent in the comfort of hiding away from life. when i want nothing more than to love everyone and kiss my friends faces and hold their hands and go to places and see things and eat things and do stuff blah blah blah

im strong.. im smart.. im creative... I CAN dance the dance. but im terrorized by the thought of existing enough to not be wanted around by even just one person LMAO;;;;;;

anyway this is getting a bit venty but

I WENT OUT!!! I WALKED FOR LIKE 30MIN. I GOT SWEATY. I CAME HOME. I WORKED A LITTLE. I DID MY DISHES YESTERDAY. I WORKED UP A HUGE SWEAT LAST NIGHT. I MAKE MY BED EVERY DAY. THE WEATHER IS CHILLING. I LOST 20LBS SINCE APRIL!!!! I HAVE A BETTER SLEEP SCHEDULE AND IM TRYING MY DAMNEST TO KEEP BRING IT BACK A BIT MORE (4/6am - 3/4pm right now. I'd love to wake up by 10am at minimum honestly). IM MOTIVATED IM TRYING SO FUCKING HARD.

i need to remember im independent. and i fucking adore my independence. and i need to stop being so complacent to allow ppl to care for me. like obv my heart is open to it and i let people in and i dont shy away. to be a human is to care and receive care. but my independence is a deeply deeply personal thing for me and without it im... just not myself. im just not me. im just not at my full potential. and i reallllly need to work it out.

#sucktacular sucks

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shortywiththebuttons · 6 years

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This bouta be one long ass typo filled vent.

First and and foremost I just added HELLA people specifically People from my African diaspora on this. I’ve had it since high school so 2010 I’m in University now . nice to meet you all 🤷🏿‍♀️✊🏿😝 my name is Ro . I’m super open to conversation questions whatever.

I added mad people because I organize ,politically im no pro or anything,I don’t even know what I’m doing 1/2 the time I just do what’s in my heart and he’ll I guess every small step I make makes a difference.

I’m currently in the process of getting a sexual assault resource center built in Isla Vista California which is an unincorporated area behind the University of California Santa Barbara ...I want all contractors to be from marganilized backgrounds and ultimately I’m gonna have this project be a community collective.itll be a long term project and it’s currently in the beginning stages and the meetings are going well but given I attend a PWI I’d like outside support and more energy from my people to continuously push for this to be created . Scrolling my page you’ll kinda see the shit I’ve been dealing with and where this comes from. However I’m currently slowing down THIS video BELOW ...making it onger and more detailed

https://youtu.be/c-yKepzDwzY

But editing is depressing triggering and frustrating and I’m on some Kevin gates Aint shit gone make me sad today type stuff so it’s not going well. I currently just need to add audio to the lengthened version and I’ll be fine to share it.. But audio means watching it and choosing a song and perfect timing so yeah...I hate reliving the stuff .but eh I hope you like the video I’ll post the update ASAP . I actually move out of CA soon APRIL so it’ll be before I leave to embark on this random traveling experience I have planned 👌🏿🙆🏿‍♀️

My main goal socially is to be as real and open as possible up until around May 2017 I was mad timid to speak up but once the shit happened it just did .

(I was drugged and raped by someone who knew me and was invited over and nah he wasn’t white he was in our diaspora. Despite being on video drugging me ,admitting I wasn’t conscious during his acts and all this other sick shit that is in the video posted as well as the slowed down version...Santa Barbara did not TOUCH THIS SICK FUCK . Specifically he lived on the same street as the foot patrol and they never even went to question him . Never went over evidence so never caught the drugging I had to analyze my own evidence see my drugging send it in turn in all physical evidence myself because she never went to the crime scene and some more dumb shot . He’s on surveillance pushing me into my house because I can’t move and he’s also on surveillance attempting to touch me and I fight back . He admits I bit him in resistance and bleh I’m getting trigger ...well look they had all of this PLUS WAY MORE evidence and nothing 🤷🏿‍♀️ .. the gag is until I had a sit in months after my rape we FINALLY got a sexual assault detective on Isla Vista ..THIS MEANS WE NEVER HAD ONE THEREFORE THE PERSON WHO WAS ON MY CASE WAS NOT A DETECTIVE TRAINED IN SEXUAL ASSAULTS. That’s why he did shit ass backwards and didn’t get evidence or blah blah . He did a pretext for a confession and still didn’t make an arrest or attempt to question this rapist . So I had to go public . 😒

The system did me even grimier and in addition so did the African men I spent a lot of my time around before this incident who just happened to be the idiot rapists housemates . The story is actually pretty sick.

Like niggas was like” we weren’t really friends like that “ “you just met is” and some more shit ,but drove or rode in my car got they hair done by me niggas cooked together went wherever niggas dead ass all ran together the only difference was I’m a female and I was the one who was drugged and raped . Lol I knew that house a good 5 months . And when you serving 4 years in college that’s a long time especially when y’all all seeing one another tops 5 days a week . But it’s cool lol I swear that shit happened and fucked my mind up for a while . Until I got over the fact that Im a protector , I’m used to protecting people . Even after being raped I tried to protect this individual from the system but seeing myself be drugged in my house as someone sickly plots and has all the sickest reasons as to why ..

I had Inglewood out there and we ain’t lay a finger on ANYONE and EVERYONE WAS HOME and available but I wasn’t trying to see anything happen .protector ...some call it dumb ... but honestly any reaction that would’ve deviated from what I did up to now would chance my current circumstance ...and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t fine RN. 🤷🏿‍♀️ ptsd depression here and there but honestly IVE BEEN KICKINGASS , saving and changing lives as well as I don’t have any fuck people around me . It’s so easy for me to cut people off now and keep people I feel ANY KINDOF way about away from me ...and I’m more open basically I PROTECT ME MORE AND ...that’s what’s great for me ...so I needed it all to get where I am so eh.

A: I don’t forgive or have any care for the person who drugged and raped me . That’s the only place I didn’t grow . People say I should work on that ...I literally have dreams of killing him though so eh🤷🏿‍♀️ it’s the whole premeditated buying a drug putting it in a drink and handing it to me at the specific time I was distracted and the entire plot really . Walking me in public drugged to make you seem like a saviors and saying you noticed it hit 😒 staying after raping me , like moving my body from a living room to my room like dragging me or whatever the fuck you dieting afterward and only moving after I post the video publicly like you really wanted to live your life regular as a rapist after attempting to ruin mine . In all honesty as you said your first thought was you thought the drug was going to alter my feeling for you and make me like you ..it only knocked me unconscious and inhabited my brain from having any memory and you stilllllll decided to be sick . .

-the best thing for me is I have no memory of being raped , I don’t even have a memory of me leaving the house only waking up and asking all the questions I had getting the answers I needed and reporting so that’s why I’m so open about it ....it hits a sensitive spot as far as anger and disgust but I would literally be dead if I was conscious or aware of the encounter .

Alll of that I added in the end it was the vent I guess .)

and yeah . Whatever so socially I’m tryna educate Africans not to feel obligated to be a savior but to look out when shit like this happens. Because not reacting not doing anything and really any thing else

I never asked anyone to pick sides , never asked anyone for help. But acting like you ain’t know someone you seen on a daily and being fearful or whatever it’s not and never was that deep. I don’t see how anyone has a mother and can let or be aiight with shit like this happeneing and not be proactive .

But I’m alive you’ll see from my blog that worse shit has happened since then and even before . so I focus my pain elsewhere and my energy into activism and advocacy. Shit no one handed to me when I needed t most ✊🏿☝🏿

http://endrapeoncampus.org/centering-the-margins

Here’s my story

http://www.theburningspear.com/2017/12/RoShawndra-VS-the-University-of-California-Santa-Barbara

It’s also more stories about whatever white people wanna say about me in Santa Barbara newspapers and my case and what I’m doing , but this is the one I approve of because it was written in the Burning spear and this is such a monumental and important news paper in our community so yeah.✊🏿❤️ I really love US.

Periodically I post videos call campaigns calls to join political organizations (that are grassroot orgs and funded by our people) and yeah that’s basically my public professional appeal. I use a lot of profanity idk why but yeah I curse like a sailor I was introduced to grown folk conversations at a young age cursing was apart of my male dominated upbringing so 🤷🏿‍♀️ shiiiit I just curse a lot from time to time .

I’m a member of the African National Women’s org. Or ANWO and we’re an organization that was created by request less than half a decade ago to bring African women into the political atmosphere. Our one goal is FREEDOM . UHURU to any comrades or future comrades reading this , I hope in your daily struggles you see the symptoms of colonialism and mobilize to dismantle this colonial system .

I have NOT AND DONT PLAN on watching black panther . It’s not apart of my agenda rn but If my job requires me to take my residents to the movies it’ll probably happen ...I’ll get to the job stuff later. . Basically from my current understanding the villain in the film had “political views” similar to Malcolm or Huey or Marcus Garvey and it should be known by us ALL THAT THESE MEN WERE ONLY AEEN AS VILLIANS HISTORICALLY BY WHITE SUPREMACIST AND COLONIZERS AS WELL AS THOSE COLONIZED PEOPLE WHO REFUSED TO RESIST ...so I’m not spending a dry penny or sitting in a theatre to watch some bull shit . Wakanda must fall dear . THERE is no freedom in a colonial system and we can’t move with our colonizers PERIOD. We have been tricked throughout history into being complacent and waiting on an European created GOD to come save us and give us our Paradise in death. Therefore we accept what we shouldn’t and given I’m not about to be apart of that complacent movement ...(ps I’m a religious studies major) I decide I’m going to struggle and win. Period ✊🏿

https://youtu.be/LIQioGRD1Sw

White folks need to pay reparations so yeah share this link also if you don’t mind

https://www.uhurusolidarity.org/

White solidarity with black power 💕

Some talks/events I’ve participated in or held

https://www.pscp.tv/w/bVfPFDFQWEVkbWVCWU9iUWV8MWRqeFhkZ2RiUEx4WpjQiVNCw8SGGbKJP7IkRiwM1SuoQnT-Oar94sFnraqo

https://www.pscp.tv/w/bVfPjzFQWEVkbWVCWU9iUWV8MVJER2xuVkVhbWd4TBAgTafg3086N-ST4efXtgBbzFU6VOSI9yuHJ4V1dmE8

https://www.pscp.tv/w/bVfPzTFQWEVkbWVCWU9iUWV8MW5BS0VXblZNUmxKTClihPl8eVewKBG7TwSC2FcIZkc0BiJcYgkAkLrQX_7Z

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