#i really dony know if i can xome back fron this

[hearties-circus]

↖️ *guy that is having such a normal one right now* *guy that totally isn't fucking losing it* *guy that surely isn't about to explode into a million pieces with no idea how to put itself back together this time*

#gamer txt. #i cant i can do this i xant its too hard its too hard #zo yous know that post i made a bit ago? how o said i was fuvking desperate and hanging on by a thread? #well unsurprisingly as it turns out the sevonf ppl extended help i closed mysf back off and started lying again. who couldve daw that coming #ive vroken down plenty of times over the years but ibe always got back up ive bever had a 'i cant do it this time' moment #well i mean. until now #i just cant i cant do it it all hurts so much i cant enjoy anything i dread everutbing theres nothing theres fucking nkthing #it hurts all the time and i xant do anything about oy because no one in this house gives a shit #and i ca t do anything becayse eberyone online is do easy to ignore so easy to lie to #ive never veen this bad before ibe never dreaded life like this #i really dony know if i can xome back fron this #ya know on the 24th i would've been 3 years clean. i relapsed about a 2 months ago i wanna say? im really close to doing ot again #but i dont know if i wkuld stop. nor when i isuallu do anyeay i think i would keep going past what i know i could take #it would be stupid #no one gere would nhtive anything wrong until ot was too late id hust be making the worst mistake of my life #but despiye that. despite everything its so tempting. just for the chance that someone might notice #that someone might actuallu acknowledge theres sometjing wrong with and gove a fuck about me #i know this fanily. i know how they work. i know how they treated my xousin the last 2 tjmes she tried to off herself #but one of them would care right sureky? even just kne #i need someone yo see me to actually fucking see me and not all the walls ibe set up #someone to recognise that im in no state to take care of myself and never has been #something that will fight me when i obviously lie #but theres no way for me to get that #im not stupid enough to risk myself and um too much of a coward to call out in any other way #what the duck an i meant to do? #im a wreck thats too scared to tell anyone #ive been theoen into the middle of the ocean and the water is the strongest ots ever been #and there is the vague imsge of a life boat off in the distance but its too far and ny arm hurt too much to swim #even if i did make my arms hurt too much to climb aboard and theres no one on it to help me up either #so i just have to float here because at least drowning is less shameful than yaving made it to safety and been too weak to grasp it