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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

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I feel like I could have practiced more patience today but at the same time I felt triggered. He keeps talking about the idea I came up with and saying its his. He asked what I thought about him possibly buying land like soon and we could put trailers on it in the mean time. He asked me to look up the best trees so he knew what to look for.

But like this is so haphazard poorly planned like 90% of his projects. If youtruly want to develop forested land for hospitality purposes, shit needs to be serious. You don't just throw cash on land and think yep good start. Like its an entire process and I am up for it but he's not because he won't commit. To anything. Even if I believed in this idea and wanted to-do it because I wanted it I couldn't because I'm wrapped up in his nonsense.

Still, I did what he asked to show my support and on going commitment and to give back to his thought of moving forward.

But he mentioned it again that he told yet another person and it's like the more u tell the less it's going to happen. You aren't even committed to the idea and ur telling ppl about it.

I jokingly mentioned finding a new prospective husband and he repeatedthe same ' you'll never find someone like me' and I just told him were here right now because of my love and dedication and hopefully he realizes in time that I make a great wife.

I jokingly called him a fuckboy which triggered his own shit and he said it was essentially my fault the dead girls mom called him a fuck boy.

Which is terrible to say to someone and really tarnished the single time he publically displayed any sort of affection towards me. So I immediately shut it down and I no longer care because I'm at the end of my investment period. I told him that the only fuckboy in the situation was this dead girl and from what I knew her family thought he was the ticket to her not being white trash but she was too trash to stick with him and just used him when she needed something. He has been too stupid to see this forever and there is no way I will entertain the idea that it's remotely anything to do with me when this is an ongoing problem with two sick individuals who would rather ruin each others lives than live happily with each other out of pure selfishness.

To me I've heard nothing but the most disgusting low life stories about her and out of respect I don't talk shit about her. I don't know her. But like its hard not to believe EVERYONE but one person telling u this person was unliked for several reasons. And I absolutely see the story told by a dozen ppl more than I see the story told by him. I believe he is infatuated with the idea of what they had that he created in his brain. What they had was not an open relationship - if I die and this guy doesn't show up may he rot in hell because I talk to him everyday. I supported him. She gave no fucks at all. At all. She continued to live her junkie ass life, angry that he wouldn't for money she owed him because their connection was more important than money but not important enough to visit the guy when he cuts off his finger.

But I'm putting up with this long term because I've had unrequited love I thought was real and defaulted to me. I thought they cared and loved me and would do anything for me and I was apart oftheir lives but instead they stole from me over and over again, they turned people against me and made me out to be someone I was not at all, tried to destroy my relationships, manipulated me into making decisions for the good of them and not myself, actively talked shit about me to other people and I just wanted them to love me. I just wanted a normal life but all I could do was live in this fucked up way for them, because of them.

And then she died. And I still wanted that normal life I never got. I wanted her to apologize and give me what I never got. Maybe I had to be a better person too. And I had to deal withthese little things about this honestly pretty shitty person for months and years later because this person was so toxic to my life. But I still wanted to love them. I couldn't in my soul but I wanted to and I had to come to a point like immediately when she died there was relief even though I was never getting anything I wanted it was like at least there's nothing to fight for. I don't have to keep looking for love here. It's time to put it at rest. And then eventually I forgave her even though I hated her alot. I speak more kindly about her now than 8 years ago because I've learned who she was, why she was and I understand that I wanted to be loved and that I loved a very complicated human being. They maybe weren't capable of loving me. But I forgive them because it wasn't their fault but if they were alive, I wouldn't continue to be around them. I know now that what they did was wrong. I deserved better. But the thing is no one will ever fill their shoes. They will always be that person and no one will ever replace them so no matter how I feel, I still have to know that this is that person to me in my life. And it took awhile to figure out how not to be defined by my mother. It's harder when it's a parent. I didn't want to carry her abuse but I didn't want to forget it either. She severely impacted my life that she built the character I was before being broken by the trauma later on. Not because I wanted to be her but I developed survival and communication skills based on dealing with her. Thanks to her I am mature, level headed, grounded, humble, logical, well tempered and I became stubborn and hard headed from fighting with her all the time. I was a fighter. Without fighting her and enduring the life I had I wouldn't have these qualities. I feel it's the same for him - through positive and negative reinforcement and manipulation, he developed this character and qualities which could be useful and good but in the aftermath of being essentially emotionally abused for many years, they're most defensive and aim to please someone who never even deserved it.

I know that he doesn't actually want an open relationship but he's been conditioned into it. I know this. And it could be 5 years before he knows it and I might not be here but dammit I'll be right where ever I am. He loves being loved and adored and has a sexual fetish for swinging. In no way does he want or live or promote an open relationship by any means and will become insecure and bratty if you make moves towards it. The other day he told me he would get a fleshligt like that's degrading to me when a year ago he was going to fuck all these women. He's making an active attempt to solidify his commitment sexually to me and I'm sure that's just as hard as any other but the easiest route to practice on - he can easily break the vow tomorrow; it's not easy to move out. And I appreciate it and that's why I wrote the letter to him and I wish I was inspired by some deep love to write more right now but I'm not because I'm frustrated and rightly so.

I didn't push the issue further with him because I need him to sit and think on these things and for the past week or so whenever I have stood my ground and expected no reply, I have gotten a moderate change. I want him to begin to think of what his conciously is telling him as real. Like he has no confidence in himself so I don't believe he thinks thatthese lingering thoughtsand feelings about her not actually loving him are like self esteem issues but they are and aren't. It's a reflection on a lack of confidence in believing he deserved better treatment; he doesn't believe he deserved better so he must be at fault and these thoughts are just paranoia.

And I don't need him to believe she didn't love him for my sake. I wish she loved him because not loving him in that scenario is pretty terrible and she really used him and took advantage of him and in no way do I believe she reflected on him with warm thoughts. She could've cared less, honestly. She cared to keep his attention and that's it. She wouldn't sleep with him, she cheated on him all the time, did his drugs, took his money while he wanted a normal life with her.

The proudest thing he has ever done was written in a journal. He described when she offered an open polyamorous relationship andthat he couldn't do it and just let her go. I think he hoped he could come to a place that he could accept it but he never quite did and he kept his distance from her for years. THATS the most commendable thing he's done for himself. That's gotta be super hard. But he did it.

And I am not jealous of a succubus. I am well wanted in my own life. I am called beautiful daily by strangers. I am offered marriage by old men regularly. Men wait for me through other relationships on a chance they can fuck with me. They admire me for months from afar. They will buy me literally anything I ask for. He is included with these men. I have continually pulled him away from her and I may not have completely overtaken but I've taken. And I did not ruin myself with drugs. I did not follow her on social media, she followed me not out of interest of his life but because she knew who her competition was and I had this going for me well into my late 20s while she was slowly falling to bleach blonde bar bimbo. I am a fine wine. So no, I am not jealous nor am I jealous of his love for her because I'd hate him if he did the same to me. I am a stoic and hard person - declarations of love and emotion would turn me off. The lack of it has been more comfortable for me. I don't need him to declare his love for me to know he's wrapped. He's away now to prove to himself that he's not but I keep telling him he's still coming back to me. You didn't leave. You couldn't even stop talking to me.

Tomorrow I'll send pictures and act cute - he can't logically be mad because he was illogical and I stood up for myself and I'm glad he didn't argue it. It wasn't like fuck you you don't know her because he's not mad. He knows I'm right but he can't say I'm right because then he might have to further explore this thing he's not ready to be true. But I have set a precedent that if you do not want to hear my opinion on things, do not bring me into it by blaming things on me or connecting an unrelated event about me to your drama.

I have to remember things don't change overnight. He said he wanted a big monkey boyfriend to get him in line and tell him things he needs to hear. Many of my friends cherish my honesty and character judgements and that I am blunt. I don't do this around him because I continued to build his fantasy version of me but I don't want to be that. I have alot of value in my opinions. I am a really mindful person and I am working on believing in what I know more because I have more often than not been right in what I thought. It is right and true to my character to speak freely on what I can see is wrong, otherwise I choose not to speak on it at allbecause the other person is unwilling to see anything but what is right or possibly not take any personal blame for what they're causing by believing in something so much.

I said nothing wrong. I asserted my opinion as my own opinion and supported the knowledge that he's been hurt and used and despite his lashing out at me about not respecting his sadness I believed this person hurt and used him and that he has to process complicated grief but I won't accept unhealthy behaviors. I would sit and listen to an hour about their time together and say nothing just for him to get it out but I will not be apart of any of it I am completely and utterly separate from this life and always would have been. I will deal with his personal emotions about it, not defend or promote their relationship that I believed to be unhealthy.

I also spent very little money today and decided to make food and did adult things and made future plans with friends. Tomorrow I'm going to the farmers market in the morning, maybe chores or a bike ride in the afternoon and then a movie in the evening. I reached out to 4 ppl I have been okay with who have been decent with me too and they seem like they might actually come so I'm kind of excited for this. I might even be able to video chat with him while we're out in free Wi-Fi. I just have to keep setting a good positive example and not allow him to antagonize me into petty distorted fights. I'm trying my best until he comes back and if nothing has changed I'm done. I'm not mentally ready to tease myself with a life I could have but in the next week I want to promote the idea of commiting to our idea for real. I want to look for properties and learn some information about identifying trees. I think if we can find a suitable property that we can brainstorm the bare bones of what could be done but it sucks investing time into something just thrown away.

My hope for tomorrow is not a focus on the dead girl but as a reminder to move forward and keep swimming to get out of the murky waters. Things can't even be answered anymore so it's best to keep chugging on. I hope he wakes up inspired by unconditional love and not distortions.

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