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greydiminishing · 3 months

Text

Jan 20, 2024

Since my last writing about two and a half weeks ago, I've packed up, moved 6 hours away to school, unpacked and moved in, and had a whole week of classes! Well almost whole, it was a 4 day week.

I am doing,, just okay. I am so excited to be back on campus and in school. But I feel super behind since I've failed so many classes previously, and took basically 3 semesters off. I'm essentially a 22 year old 3rd year. I've been a student in this school for five years. I was supposed to graduate this year, but I have two more years left, at minimum. Some of the kids I have classes with were highschool freshmen when I was a college freshman. I feel self consious and ashamed about that.

I also feel like i'm already behind in some classes after only two actual class sessions (tues/thurs and wed/fri classes). I didnt get as much studying done as I would've liked in those five weeks that i time blocked (But getting into time blocking was definitely worth it, thats helping me so much).

I haven't had to do any actual math in TWO YEARS. I celebrated taking the "last math class of my life", completely forgetting that I need to take a calc-based physics class. Now im struggling in class to find the sides of a triangle with sohcahtoa 😭 If i don't glue my eyeballs to khan academy i'm gonna be a wreck trying to integrate and find derivatives.

And one class has an "Assignment 0" which is just downloading and setting up all the software we're gonna be using, and just trying to clone my gitlab repository took me several hours to figure out.

All the deadlines and assignments and quizzes and project dates has my head spinning. One class requires you to upload your notes to the lecture video before every single class (m/w/f class, so 3 times a week), and its something like 10% of your final grade. Idk i just think thats stupid lol. And I can't help but write notes differently when i'm concious of the fact that someone else will be reading them :/

But I will be studying hard, and getting stuff done early as to not fall behind.

That was academics, now onto my roommates.

I was placed in a random campus apartment with 3 other roommates. We each have our own room, but share the living room and kitchen. They're nice and i want to be their friend so bad, but I'm so socially awkward and i don't know how to make friends 😭. The thing is, I'm coming into "their" apartment mid-academic year, and thats only because their other friend moved out for an internship or something, so I got put in the vacant room. They're already a little friendgroup, the three of them plus the friend that moved out which they're still in group chats with. They might've even know each other before living here, they seem pretty close.

They're not intentionally excluding me or anything, but everytime i'm chatting with them it feels so awkward, and when I go back to my room and I can hear their fun conversations finally ignite. They talk about their mutual friends, and their parents, and plans to roadtrip. Then I go back out to fill my water bottle or make tea or something, mostly an excuse to join their conversation, and the conversation goes back to quiet and polite. I know I act the same way around new people as well, so its not their fault, but I dont know what to do, how to get around this. I heard them from my room talking about anime, and I so badly wanted to join them, but I didn't know how to do so naturally without creeping them out like I was eavesdropping their convo the whole time. You can only go fill your waterbottle so many times.

Its already the end of week 1 and i've barely talked to them. I'm afraid if we don't get more friendly soon, as time progresses, we'll get more stuck in the same routine and we'll only be able to be awkward and quiet around each other for the rest of the semester. I want to suggest we order some food tonight and maybe watch a movie, but idk is that weird? To suggest out of nowhere and not really knowing them? And theres no TV so we'd have to watch on someones laptop. Aughhhh idk. Plus I really need to get started on all this work i already have. Maybe i'll suggest it next weekend.

I'm already planning on making cookies for everyone tomorrow. A freshly baked cookie is the way to friendship, surely?

#journal

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itsjusta · 3 years

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Feb. 1 (Mon)

no school but a productive dayyy becos i finished 1 task of mine and 2 tasks of yours!!! heheh

Feb. 2 (Tues)

woke up at 9 again aishhh why can’t i wake up at 10 na huuuh grrr

nag listen nalang kos lecture sa isa ka subject doeee and i sold na my DITO after weeks of holding hhah i gained 1300!! hehe nag buy ko another but issa time to hold napddd until mutaas2 ang priceee hehe

also felt productive today doe i finished 1 forum of mine and then yours hahah but in the hapon and gabii issa idk doeee i felt like crying doe and my heart hurts idk aishhh i feel lonely doe and it made me cry >:(

thank u for da milktea doeee heheh i felt better na but idk issa tonight i just feel a little empty and sad hehhe craving for love sguro ko pero la ko mapangayoan 🥲 hahahah char!!! kakapoy ma singgol uyyy gusto ko lang naman ng tender loving care HAHAHAH

Feb. 3 (Wed)

i slept na at 3 or 4 gabii doe 🙄🙄🙄 i started to piyong2 at 1 but di jd ko makatulooog idjooot grrr hahah my damgo was also so funny doe cos i was at medina wid my friends tas kalag2 ata to doe and gabaklay mi pauli tas ang pakulo daw ato kay naay gi hire nga mga people nga murag balbal baaa tas kamulo mi uli ka naa jd mga balbal nga naay mga kutsilyo tas gina lakag mi and grabe nakong dagan doe i was so scareeed and nag bulag2 mi HUHUHU and we found out na they were not hired na by the mayor doeee they were just crazy people who want 2 kill us 😤 grabe ako struggle pag uli kay gilakag kog isa ka babae doeee and ako nalang isa kay nag buwag2 na lagi mi but nakauli rajd ko and nahuman na ako damgo thank God!!! HAHAHAHHA mura nakog mamatay didto!!

also really really unmotivated todaaaay issa idk my body feels kapoy cos i woke up dugay na doe and my heart feels uneasy and bothered doeee hmpfff nag try ko do sa isa ka task for u but i’m so confused on what to answer doeee :(( kahilakon nako kay gusto rko mag maoy2 karon but issa wala man tears HAHAHAH so nag watch nalang ko the movie so boring hups!!!

also aish when i think or talk about our break up doe issa maka cry gihapon kooo idiot man ko uyyy so dugay naman unta to 😤

Feb. 4 (Thurs)

my damgo was nice doeee hhahah i was a princess daw of a nation but i also skwela in XU tas naa man to gathering doeee and naa ka uban mo jap and bbert nag inom daw mo gikan tas tipsy naka doeee hahaha nag kita man ta ato sa event but buwag na jpon ta ato and imo daw bag o kay si bloden 🤦🏻‍♀️ but then we talked saimo car daw doe and nag drive around ta and we s3ks HAHAHHA why i always damgo of u and i having s3ggs huh maybe i am tigang na gyd HAHHAHAHAH

also missed a class doe cos i forgot i have a class at 8 am hahah i tot my class was still at 10 🤣 i did some acads stuff today and finished my task goals yeheyy

Feb. 5 (Fri)

a boring day doeee ahhah also did some acadsss and aish issa just watched bsag unsa doee i’m sad becos i’m sad and i can’t distract myself bsag ga watch ko movies doeeee aish issa i dont like when i cant distract myself from my thoughts doe cos it always bother me and i feel uneasy ://

Feb. 6 (Sat)

For the first time in weeks or months (??) I FELT SO NORMAL!!!!! 🥺 like hahahah i like this day cos i feel so calm doe and its like i have no problems btaaaaw it was just like b4 the break up inana nga feeling and ughhh sana always :((( but yeaaaah in the night i cried a lot cos tiktok showing me break up vids and relate au ko and naremind ko nga heartbroken man gyd diay ko :( HAHHAHAHAHAH and thank u doeee for always answering my questions :((( issa i appreciate it dat u dont get annoyed when i randomly ask questions doeee 🥺

Feb. 7 (Sun)

my damgo gabii was fun napd doe cos i was a girl scout and naa mga boy scouts also and naa pd ako family doe nag travel daw and nangaligo sa pantalan tas muambak na unta ko but panguli time na aissshhh

an okay day doeee hehe the weather was niceee so i just stayed in beeed and watched kdrama hehehhe rest from acads!! (but i did man gyapon acads today like for an hour hehe) also i ate a lot today doeee but das fine!!! ehhehe

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mddlpth · 7 years

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Vikas Jha, the human dung.

If you are acquainted with this excrement called Vikas Jha, I think, unknown to you, your life is a little tarnished. This bastard has been relentlessly pursuing my wife of a decade, with whom I have a child, for many years now. Read on.

2009 (Second year of marriage)

It started right at the time of my marriage, when my newly wedded wife and this garbage were preparing for their MBA entrance exams together. The garbage was apparently a “mentor”, and they both gave away very little to arouse any suspicion. At this time, I was in the US, and my wife was in India. Maybe that helped too.

Here is a filthy, flirty conversation from 2009, where my wife is planning to visit him in Delhi, on her way to a “pilgrimage”, while intentionally keeping me completely in the dark.

From: [email protected] <[email protected]> Date: Saturday, March 28, 2009 10:33 AM me: havent slept VJ: u or me? am here … 10:35 AM VJ: dont sleep so soon me: y? what do i do VJ: aise hi. who will talk to me late nite then? me: god stop it yaar VJ: haha, isme stop it kya hua? matlab hum ab sirf serious rahe tumse :P:P … VJ: arreeeeeeee ruko btw my sister is awaiting u me: all preparation for me to come kya VJ: haha

They even had plans to visit the Taj Mahal together! A newlywed and her paramour.

Date: Wednesday, April 1, 2009

me: both my tickets are booked. to and fro VJ: i think u will be too tired to roam in delhi. maybe we can just have dinner…and sleep me: i dunno. lets see if I am alive. agra plans tho cancelled only VJ: yes. u cancelled it. u dont trust me and trust urself toooooooooo. so i dont want to force 2:00 AM me: ok

Barely a year into our marriage, they hatched plans together on how to discourage me from asking her any “personal” questions, so she could continue on guilt free.

Date: Thursday, April 2, 2009

VJ: xxxx (husband's nickname) ok with ur trip now? me: haan VJ: how do u do that? me: does he have a choice;) VJ: haha VJ: no as in happy happy or sad happy? me: as in ok ok. neither happy nor sad as if it makes a difference to him. but he is fine with me now i advised him ;) like that way u did. thanks for ur advice …it helped control my temper VJ: :) what did u advise him? me: to be patient n make the reln work VJ: jajaja see who is ur best friend? ME ME ME ME ME ME me: hmm

The dung started entering into more aspects of our marriage. After almost 2 years living separately, I was trying to convince my wife to pick a nearby college for her MBA in the US so we could finally be together. In reality, she had applied to, and had an admit at a slightly higher ranked school far away, meaning two more years of long distance for us. She and the dung were scheming behind my back for the best way to break this great news to me, while also forcefully convince me to accept their choice.

I was doing everything I could to reason with her on the importance of this decision, how living away was taking its toll and why she refused to see my viewpoint. In return, she and her family accused me of being narrow minded, jealous, anti feminist, working against her bright career and acting under the decree of my extended family, abusing everybody from my parents to siblings to grandparents with the choicest of words. I weathered through all those, but what broke my heart was when I realized she was working with the muck, the “mentor”, to force me to bend to their decision. Though at the time I had no clue about their affair, learning your wife was taking the help of some random guy to get her way was so painful that I immediately gave up and agreed to whatever she said. Looking back, this might have been a turning point in our relationship.

Here’s a chat of the two, joyously celebrating their surprisingly easy “victory” over me.

Date: Thursday, April 9, 2009

me: hey u know what ? i told xxxx (husband's nickname) VJ: and he is ready? me: yes! VJ: hahahahaha hahahaha me: i cant blv it me: his first reaction was “wow..superb!”: VJ: congrats me: he said i must take this opportunity VJ: hahaha me: he is even ready to pay enrollment deposit VJ: what has happened to him? hahaha hahaha me: i dunno :( i m quite shocked. i thot he will fight VJ: so am I me: he said i can come over weekends, also later he might shift, he might hunt for another job, or try for transfer VJ: HAHAHAHA achanak? me: !!! yaaa. i cant blv it actually. cant expect such reactions from him VJ: dont wait for a moment. pay the deposit today. and cancel davis immediately. me: haha VJ: okies. will be back. 2 min. going to loo me: very happy! :D VJ: :) i can make out :) me: i still cant blv he said that. i dunno what made him change so much VJ: yes. im shocked. :P:P me: haan i thought he will fight a lot. u know what. from yesterday i m making sad face. he kept asking me y u r sad. i dint tell. finally told :) me: i want to re-confirm. not sure if he really said it VJ: haha me: he told me to use this credit card to pay VJ: haha!!! this is toooo much. too many goodies in one day.haaha me: now i m ready to cook anything on that show. anything MIL says i am ready. VJ: jaja me: haha

Meanwhile, they happily continued their shameless late night flirting, while also planning their date in Delhi.

VJ: hola whats up. i was just planning for ur delhi trip do u want to do shopping? me: oh. i will do it the day i reach. whole day i have time VJ: do u like street food ? we will go to chandni chowk thne me: then what else ? agra dropped lol VJ: haha. im still ready. if u r :) me: after tht converstaion?!! VJ: okies that conversation was not good. but we learnt few things na ... 2:23 AM VJ: itna neend aata hai to kaun bolta hai mera saath flirt karo raat me :P:P me: hmm VJ: i thought ur response : GO I WONT FLIRT. u r unpredictable me: ;) VJ: go u r bsy. i wont talk. me: thats my speciality na VJ: haha. manao bhai humko :P:P u r like a guy. am like a girl me: hmm karo na VJ: kya? me: manao mujhe VJ: hahaha. saamne ne manuanga na. when u come :) me: ahaa flirt flirt VJ: who me or u? or both. to ab mere flirting se bhi bored? me: no i sometimes wonder where my life is going. i m so confused yaar ... VJ: hi me: wassup VJ: waitiing 4 u ::) me: aha VJ: just because i give u bhav u never give me bhav :( me: sleeping VJ: :( buuuuuuuuuuuuu me: dint sleep na yesterday. idiot (husband) kept bothering me VJ: addicted to ur calls now :( VJ: i devote so much time to u me: u dont have to VJ: haha ... VJ: i will be so embarassed to meet u. after the stupid talk we had day before :( me: hmm. i wud have anyways felt even otherwise

And meet they did, after all!

No guilt, no shame, no fear.

What all happened ? I will tell you in a little while, in their own words.

Meanwhile, read on.

This scumbag was also in a relationship with another “girl friend”, at the same time.

Who knows how many more were there.

My wife finally shifted to the US, to the school of her choice. But the illicit sewage followed. Now she would handle not one, but two long distances. In the name of innocent words like career development, MBA, entrepreneurship, mentorship, professional networking and many others, they carried on their merriment. Here is a sample of how they addressed each other, in an email about “Job Opportunities”.

From: Vikas Jha <[email protected]> Date: Wednesday, November 11, 2009 Subject: Job Oppurtunities

Hey dear,

Check attachements. let me know if its helpfull

As ever, Vikki

2010

Tue, Feb 23, 2010 at 11:32 PM

Even though you have background in XXX, I would suggest you to take these two things. … Lots of Love, Vikki

They freely exchanged pictures, emails, texts, messages and phone calls.

Date: Tuesday, December 15, 2009 Subject: NEW ME :)

TAKE A LOOK ------------------

Date: Wednesday, January 27, 2010 Subject: hey To: VJ

hey..saw ur snaps on orkut..awesome snaps! u look smart ;) rest later..call me when free (xxx)xxx xxxx

Date: Tuesday, June 26, 2012 Subject: Fwd: Look I have lost more weight :)

They exchanged their legal “couple” pics too, as though proud of the fact that they were doing all this so successfully behind their partners’ backs.

From: Vikas Jha Date: 2008/12/30 Subject: From Vikki

I am sure when u look at this pic, you will say how bfull couple we are. U never asked but i cudnt stop from sending u Lots of Love Viki

Not just emails, they also made plans to meet in the US. Alone.

On 24-Feb-2010, at 8:34 AM, XXX XXX wrote:

Cool. when are u coming btw? whats happening with you? I get a week off (spring break) in March. Will enjoy then.

---------------------------------------- From: Vikas Jha <[email protected]> Date: Tuesday, February 24, 2010 Subject: Good news!

I will come in April. Lots of things happening. Going to London Business School 2mrw. Arranging big business Plan competition in June. ... thats for now…getting late for school. will mail u more from class

2011

If the urge didn’t come from there, it went from here.

Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2011 14:11:15 -0700 To: Vikas Jha<[email protected]> Subject: Re: Viki..pls do this survey for me..where ru btw?

thanks Viki. when r u free? i want to talk to u ..it has been so long..u have forgotten me. ---------------------

<[email protected]> wrote: See u went gayab yday again N then u say I have for gotten u !! ---------------------

online aana ab im free now..u dont care for me!!!!! call kar na aaj..baat karna hai tujse ---------------------

<[email protected]> wrote: Ok. Give me some time and stop saying that. I care a lot !! Comeover !! U r safe don't worry !!!!!!!

2012

Of course they met in India too, whenever she was on vacation.

On Mon, Dec 10, 2012 at 12:32 PM, Vikas Jha <[email protected]> wrote: Cant reach u on chat ! call me on 09693255535 V

---------------------- On Tue, Dec 11, 2012 at 8:43 AM:

Hey Vikas..I tried calling you today. Landed in XXXX yesterday. I will get a phone number in couple of days - will send it over then. Wassup with you? What times are you usually available? Look forward to our chat :)

-X

Conversations like these preceding the trip.

VJ: For all this advise i need to be paid me: Haha ok. Talk tonight VJ: Wht will i b paid ? me: Gosh, Seriously??? me: No $ only kind :p VJ: Ooh, That makes it even more interesting :) me: Sigh VJ: Miss our kiss! Damn it ! me: Despo, U were prim n proper when we met. Rather u were forced to VJ: :). Next time u come. I wont let u go !

This is him wooing her to his place over a weekend, so he can cook dinner and talk long into the night about “career n business”.

me: Ok let’s talk more while I am therr me: Need to pack for my flight that is in few hours VJ: Will come bk on 6th. So after that only we can meet VJ: Btw dinner date ? I can cook for u ! me: Sure VJ: :) Look forward ! me: I am in bangalore VJ: ;) Am bk in town today. Want to catch up ? me: Hmm..probably 6 7 ish. Mg road ? VJ: I thought we cud meet at my place VJ: Weekdays are tight. Wont b able to spend time n talk long. Want to talk abt career n business

Among other things, they got a kick out of fantasizing themselves in movies they could relate to. One was about a marriage between 2 different cultures, “north vs. south”, much like how it would have been if she had married the scum.

2 States (2014) Directed by Abhishek Varman. With Arjun Kapoor, Alia Bhatt, Amrita Singh, Revathy. How Chetan met his wife and the…www.imdb.com

The other was about a man and a woman, both unhappily married to others, having a life long secret affair with each other, meeting on the same weekend each year.

Same Time, Next Year (1978) Directed by Robert Mulligan. With Alan Alda, Ellen Burstyn, Ivan Bonar, Bernie Kuby. A man and woman meet by chance at…www.imdb.com

At first, my wife branded the filth a career “mentor”. The moment the mentorship extends beyond very clear cut boundaries, that title is stripped and replaced with something far lower on the moral ladder. As my wife continued to discuss all things, career, marital, business etc. with it, filth found more ways to drive a wedge between them. Here is a conversation where the filth asks her to quit her marriage and settle back in India. Of course, it does not have the will or the guts to take her hand, especially with a child.

... me: I am very lonely here me: I want to get out of this marriage. Affecting my health Body n mind VJ: I can imagine. Everything gets affected. Becomes so difficult me: Marital life sucks too VJ: U shud think abt it. Moving back. Atleast hv parents n family around. There u r all alone. ...

Here is another conversation where the wife is “battered” that she cannot choose the scum for “life, or work”, because of her husband.

Very often, the conversations toyed around sex. Here’s one, for a New Year’s wish! When I saw this the first time, I went numb.

Here’s a plan for a “weekend of love making”.

Below is my wife, chatting in the middle of the night, making it abundantly clear the only reason she is hanging on to the marriage is for the sake of our kid, and for all the love, lust and affection, she will be leaning on the filth for fulfillment. In fact, this seemed like a great arrangement for both, since neither wanted to make their relationship official, nor did they want to break it off, but lead two separate lives, public and private.

They threw sweet somethings at each other all the time. Of course no topic was taboo to discuss, including eating pussy and getting wet in bed. The filth is absolutely certain that he should have replaced me in her life, and my wife is only too happy to provide compelling justifications for it!

And finally, here they are indulging in an enjoyable recollection of their drunken tryst in Delhi almost a decade ago! As promised, I will tell you what happened, in their own words.

Which red salwar suit, you ask ?

Not just the filth, but his entire family seems to want to jump on my wife! Here is a disgustingly similar flirt with his brother, whose only purpose in life seems to be to keep my wife laughing ! Late nights or early mornings, his eyes and ears are always at her disposal. And of course, my wife is only too happy to bash not just her work, but also her marriage with this manure.

If only this scum would show such eagerness to his own wife and kids, and stop right there.

Given all this, the question comes around to my response. Initially, for a very long time, I had no clue something was wrong. Even though my wife refused to make our marriage a priority, she continued to express her strong, unwavering love and affection towards me, and the difficulty of staying apart bearing down on her. They were so good at covering up, that even when I met the scum one time, they gave nothing away. But one day, I came across something that made me shudder. Suddenly, all her odd behaviors of secretively chatting on the phone late into the night, never picking up calls when I was around, and securing everything with multiple levels of passwords, that I had dismissed as quite harmless to me, seemed extremely suspicious. With only scraps of information from here and there, I painfully put the pieces of the puzzle together.

When I confronted her, her response was expectedly total denial. In return, she accused me of spying, “breaking trust”, and exhibiting my “narrow mindedness” and “insecurity” at her success. She in fact said I was “acting like a woman”. From there, she diverted the fights to unrelated topics, giving her familiar fodder to abuse me and my family. While this was going on, she obviously got way more careful with her trail, deleting chat records, changing passwords, clearing call logs, erasing emails and completely resetting devices to remove any trace.

When I was sufficiently convinced something was up, I even took the matter to her family, who were the only people she listened to. Of course they stood solidly behind her, without an iota of doubt about her character. More disappointedly, her mother sermoned there was nothing wrong in having a close knit relationship with anyone one was comfortable with, even the opposite gender. I don’t know in what context it was stated, but it seemed she was virtually giving her stamp of approval for her daughter’s behavior.

At first, it made my head reel in shock. I spent several weeks in confusion, pain and denial. I tried to stop myself from probing further, and really wished all this was not happening. As one more instance after another came to light and tore me apart, the agony and depression became unbearable. As I stumbled upon them, my hands would tremble, stomach would crunch and my head would feel dizzy. My heart would skip a beat every time I re-read the messages, trying to make sure I didn’t get them wrong. I have cried my eyes out in private, and consoled myself with pretty much nothing. Thinking about it, I have dangerously changed lanes on freeways, and lost track of what I was doing more than once, just because the pain was so terrible I would lose my senses for a while. On the one hand, I wanted to end it right there based on what I knew so far, and on the other, I wanted to find out the complete story, however hard or long it might take, before quitting. Our relationship strained lower, arguments got longer, fights got uglier, to the point where it was extremely difficult even to cohabit.

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