#i think i know deep down maryknoll is also the source of the nightmares where i get groped or worse.

[mourningmaybells]

the thing is my reoccurring nightmares about maryknoll aren't even about the worst or most traumatic things over there (the pedophilia/child sexual assault case that happened to a student and busdriver, the "exorcism" lecture video, general bigotry and forcing myself not to react or argue during a class presentation lest i out myself, some personal events and traumas that i can't even overshare though i already tend to) but it's just usual "i'm late for school/ lost at school/ forgot to turn in an assignment thing" so it's not even what happened there but the fact that no matter where i go or what I do I'll always be there when I close my eyes. and it's not a matter of "if" I'll dream of being there again, but "when" I'll be there again. hopefully not soon.

#anyways. no dreams tonight this time. major w for me. #i think i know deep down maryknoll is also the source of the nightmares where i get groped or worse. #i think on a subconscious level even if time has eroded the memory itself and my parents say what happened to me wasnt that bad #i remember SOMETHING n it drives me a little crazy that maybe i had just misremembered by exaggerating how bad it was. #because of mental illness. idk childhood is weird. i dont really remember tbh. but i /feel/ enough of it. or i think i do #Oh Pelafina Lievre we're really in it Now.