#because of mental illness. idk childhood is weird. i dont really remember tbh. but i /feel/ enough of it. or i think i do | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

karak9 · 5 years

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Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

#Trans #nonbinary #nb #genderqueer #gender questioning #transmed #pls help me lmao I hate my brain sm #also im so sorry if this post is scuffed af #im on mobile #its 4 am I cba

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ratbone · 7 years

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ALL of the questions

im putting a read more for this you heathen

Sunrise or sunset? sunrise!!

Are you mentally ill? yea p much

Are you physically ill? think so

What is the most expensive thing you have bought? my pc!! fuk!!

Do you have a job? i do not. im gonna sound like a bum.

Are you in school? nope

Are you a dropout? nope

Are you in college? not for the moment

Introvert or extrovert? i think myself an introvert

What do you think when you look at your body? pls dont look at my body unless u want me to cry

What have others said when they look at your body? oh boy idk if u wanna know this one, let that suffice as an answer

Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply? yeah!! it changes sometimes, but atm its this song: pvris - seperate

Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? i hope this doesnt sound cliche or anything but i honestly dont remember.

Are you confident wearing a bikini? hell no

Can you look people in the eyes while talking? sometimes

Has anything terrible happened to you? lmao yeah you bet

Has anything wonderful happened to you? my friends

Favorite part of your personality? ive been told im empathetic

Least favorite part of your personality? most of everything yeah

Favorite part of your body? eyelashes

Least favorite part of your body? all of it

Favorite quote? sure. “I aim to be lionhearted, but my hands still shake and my voice isn’t quite loud enough.”Michelle K., Earning Your Roar

Do you have friendships with all genders? hell yea

Do you have a good relationship with your father? i guess, im distant from most of my family though.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother? as good as it can be until she’s pissed off.

Do you have a good relationship with your siblings? nah, they hate me and keep trying to convince me im adopted.

Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member? looks at parents.

Have you ever had a near death experience? ive almost drowned twice in my life time, when i was much younger.

Do you know anyone who has taken their own life? yeah, i do.

Have you ever tried to take your own life? no.

Biggest lie you have told? ill do better.

Do you follow any conspiracies? not really

Do you believe in a New World Order? eh?

Do you respect your government and the way your country is run? oh boy i have a lot of issues with this bullshit im not gonna dive into

Is there currently any strife in your country? a lot???

Have you ever been displaced within your country? ehhh

Are your friendships healthy? id like to hope so.

Are you currently fighting with a friend? no, i am not.

Are you jealous of a friend? Why? most friends, but its because they are happy, but its not like i dont want them to be or anything, i just wish i could be too.

Do you believe in the Illuminati? ahhhh!!!

Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who? me. yes its me.

How can people tell you are nervous? Visibly tense, unable to make much eye contact, shaky voice, fidgeting my fingers.

How can people tell you are sad? i cry. lmao. or i distance myself for long periods without wanting to talk to people. but uh, i do this when i need to take a break from being social too.

Do you ever express your true feelings? no i shove them inside a paper bag and stomp all over them. i try to avoid most human emotions.

Regrets in your life? a lot, no joke.

Achievements in your life? i graduated highschool lmao.

What did people say about you in school? OHHH BBBBOY. i was weird or a freak, made up random shitty stories about me to a point where i just didnt talk to anybody my last year.

What did you say about people in school? i dont have anything to say about them. idk. fuck that school.

Is there something you have never told anyone? ya probably.

Have you committed an illegal act? my uncle let me puff a cig once when i was 5. i never did that again.

If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it? PAY OFF BILLS!!!! GET NEW THINGS!!!

What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18? to answer all of them: to be a dragon. k? ok.

Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined? it was gross, and no it was not.

Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household? i think my family started out with low average but once dad lost his job we became low income, etc.

Are you from a broken marriage? my parents are still together

Have you been raised by a solo parent? no

Do you know both your parents? yes

What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have? blue eyes, brown hair, vampire skin

Have you abused drugs or alcohol? no i have not.

What languages can you speak? english. AND VERY POORLY: german, spanish. idk if i can really count those yet.

Do you conform to your societies standards? i gotta if i wanna stay alive i guess

Do you cry often? a lot, actually.

Do you tell people what you think of them? yeah, i certainly try to let people know how i feel.

Are you comfortable accepting compliments? no, i have a very poor self image and im used to thinking the worst about myself.

Are you comfortable giving compliments? yes!!! i try to give my friends compliments

Is any mental illness hindering your life? depression. could be more, but im not sure in all honesty.

Is any physical illness hindering your life? i need to see a doctor lmao

Do you keep up with current events? not really, i kinda drift along time and space and hope for the best.

What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read? the hurricanes and the fires, flooding in other countries, and the possibility the bees are making a comeback.

What have you done today? I ATE, SLEPT, AND SAT AT THIS COMPUTER. i am totally productive.

Do you sleep well? lmao no

Do you sleep badly? yes

Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting? i think that depends on the situation. i can lash out at people sometimes if i felt they’ve really struck a low cord with me, but you really have to be trying tbh.

Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting? god, probably, i dont remember. i guess my mom counts. she takes out her emotions on everyone.

Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why? yeah. idk for various reasons? like it didnt work out, there wasnt really anything there, or i was too boring, we stopped talking, we kept arguing, or i just didnt feel strongly towards them anymore and vice versa.

Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves? ive tried.

Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself? they’ve tried.

Do you like your laugh? its a pretty random laugh, but its ok i guess.

Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind? no. but im waiting for nuclear winter.

Do you have any funny family stories? most of them are my dad going into a store and making cat noises, so people end up looking in the vents and shit.

Are you religious? no

Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies? not really

Are you interested in cults? no thnx

Would you like to raise a family in your country? uhhhh i dont wanna have to raise any child ever. and idc about the location where i try to be happy at.

List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got? to be a dragon. seriously isnt that fucked up??? realism is fucking rude.

Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling? im 24 while most of my siblings are well along into their 40s, so yea.

Are you from a blended family? no

Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not? idc. get married or dont it really doesnt make a difference to me.

What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you? literally any little compliment.

Do you keep a journal? nah, i dont write down shit at all.

Would anyone be hurt by reading it? if i wrote things down in it? probably.

Do you have children? HELL NAH

Have you been pregnant? FUK NAH

List your favorite movies? Lord of the Rings, Interstellar, Arrival, The Fountain, and most Disney movies.

List your favorite people? MY FRIENDS.

Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body? my biggest scar is no more, i got it when i was 11 from falling off a tree i was climbing, but its near impossible to see now. ive got stretch marks.

Do you look after yourself? lmao no tbh

Do you put yourself or others first? i always try to do things for everyone else.

Are you happy today? im alright.

Are you loved? i try to tell myself that i am. it keeps me going.

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goodgodno · 7 years

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1. What’s your middle name, and do you like it? - not telling, and no 2. are you artistic? -i guess 3. Have you had your first kiss? -Ofc not im aidan fucking casey (anyone hmu im lonely) 4. What is your life goal? -to influence people 5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person? -i once tweeted at casey neistat and he didnt respond 6. Do you play any sports? -not any more 7. What’s your worst fear? -failure 8. Who’s your biggest inspiration? -probably casey neistat 9. Do you have any cool talents? -i can freak people out by looking at them 10. are you a morning person? -yeah if im not woken up early 11. How do you feel about pet names? -the closest i get to that is calling someone B 12. Do you like to read? -yeah but i dont read as much as id like to 13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life.- does casey neistats vlog count? (Ill shut up with the casey neistat) 14. Do you care about your follower count?- i do on my rinsta, but it bothers me that people feel validated based off of numbers like that (likes etc) 15. What’s the best dream you’ve had? -i dont remember my dreams- the weirdest dream i had was that everyone i knew was trans 16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender? -by accident once (does that count?) 17. Do you have any pets?- I have a kitten named Rocket and a full grown cat named Oreo (who is dying of multiple cases of cancer) 18. Are you religious? - Im pretty agnostic, and the catholic church disgusts me 19. Are you a people person?- definitely 20. Are you considered popular?- i try not to think in terms like that, but i guess i have a lot of friends? 21. What is one of your bad habits?- procrastination 22. What’s something that makes you feel vulnerable?- depression 23. What would you name your children? - ill name one of em’ Casey to fuck with them 24. Who’s your celebrity crush? - Emma Watson? 25. What’s your best subject?- Best- French, Favorite- Art 26. Dogs or cats? Doggos 27. most used social media besides tumblr?- Snapchat/INstagram 28. best friends name? I dont categorize people as best friends, but matt and sara are my oldest friends 29. who does your main family consist of? mostly my grandmother and grandfather tbh 30. Chocolate or sugar? SUGAR 31. have you ever been on a date? no 32. Do you like roller coasters? n0 33. Can you swim? n.O 34. What would you do in the event of an apocalypse? hide in a school with a weapon 35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder? self-diagnosed depression? (dont worry i too am rolling my eyes) 36. Are your parents together? barely 37. What’s your favorite color? anything 38. What country are you from/do you live in? ‘MURCA (fuck yeah) 39. Favorite singer? whatever’s on 40. Do you see yourself being famous some day? i wish 41. Do you like dresses? no 42. Favorite song right now? All Night- Parov Stelar 43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? im fine with it ironically, or as a joke, but if people are talking about it literallt shit gets weird 44. How old were you when you first got your period? did you just assume my gender? 45. Have you ever shot a gun? yep 46. Have you ever done yoga? nope 47. Are you a horror girl? did you just assume my gender? 48. Are you good at giving advice? i like to think that I am, but like i dont take my own advice 49. Tell us a story about your childhood. no fuck off 50. How are you doing today? meh 51. Were you a cute kid? i was thicc af 52. Can you dance? when nobody is looking im good 53. Is there anything you do that you can’t remember ever not doing? twirling pens 54. Have you ever dyed your hair? yea and im still recoiling from all of the people that called me a fag 55. What color are your eyes? BLUE 56. What’s your favorite animal? squirrels? 57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself? hell yeah man i do it like 3x a day 58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? not really 59. Do you have good friends? most of them are 8/8 m8 60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group? sure 61. What’s your favorite class? Studio Art? I put the most effort into it, and its where i get my lowest grades 62. List all the tv shows you are watching. not watching any atm 63. Are you organized? I try to be but i evenually get lazy and shit collapses 64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion? Inside Out- I’m still super sh00k 65. Which tv character do you relate to most?- bob ross i guess i dont watch that much tv 68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness?- reality 69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?- I’d like to think I’d do something super cool and revolutionary but to be real id probably buy a lot of expensive shit and never do anything 70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die? I’d be a little less afraid of failure, because I’d have more chances 71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you? I’d dye my hair and shit 72. If you could start over, what would you do differently?- a lot of shit that I wont write here 73. Would you break the law to save a loved one?- depends on the law/ who 74. When was the last time you traveled somewhere new?- I went to The Grand Canyon last summer 75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?- I think of my grandmother’s house 76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?- I’m stuck in thsi existential gridlock where i know what i want to be but i dont know what to do next 77. What did you want to be when you were a kid?- happy 78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?- most of the safety and stability of everything around me 79.When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?- no idea; i push that shit out of my head 80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence.- highschool, then college. 81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?- I wouldnt sleep, and that would be pretty shit 82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity?- trying to kill myself (I dont want to live forever) 83. How would you spend a billion dollars? on myself 84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future? past, but id want to go back 85. What motivates you to succeed?- nothing, and thats my problem 86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most? idk yet 87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why? City- i need to be around lots of people 88. Do you believe in life after death? No 89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they? So far, i guess Andrea Lee 90. What’s your fondest childhood memory? Gramma R’s house 91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why? My grampa dave, he seemed like a cool guy 92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy? Idk 93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life? Idk 94. What do you think happens after we die? We get buried/cremated 95. What would you do if you would be invisible? Walk around naked 96. What’s something you can’t do no matter how hard you try? Avoid awkwardness 97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring? Yeah i guess 98. How did your first crush develop? We were friends for a while and i guess it just evolved from there 99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it? Idk man 100. Do you live or do you just exist? You live

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