#i want to be perfect. healthy and unblemished and sophisticated and kind and intelligent

[lepidopterium]

+.

#ed ment in tags #triggering tags ahead -> #***************************that should do it #i keep telling myself im too smart for an ED as if ppl with EDs wouldn't be sick if they knew better #i tell myself that dieting is evil and that this is a product of capitalism #that food is a gift that i need to be grateful for and that i can get joy out of food if i try #i remind myself of how bad i flare up when i dont properly eat #and that the body is a time capsule. it changes and reflects what im going through. its normal #that not eating isnt being mindful. that i need to eat to exercise and be physically strong #and to maintain my mental clarity and emotional well being #and that im being vain by fretting over my appearance so much #that an ed isnt self control. its a loss of control to destructive thoughts and anxiety #and yet im still struggling. im still one step away from throwing the money i dont have into makeup to make myself look perfect #i want to be perfect. healthy and unblemished and sophisticated and kind and intelligent #and that way I'll be loved for real. i wont have to ask or beg bc I'll always feel loved without doing a thing myself #but i know thats all a lie. i know im already loved even if those who love me dont show it enough (for me) #i know i can live a life outside of extremes and that this anxiety doesnt own me #which is why i think im too smart for an ed. but thats not how it works #i went out everyday of the week doing physically strenuous things till i could barely walk and i felt like god #i don't know if im eating enough. i think somedays i do other days i dont #im trying to familiarize myself with what groceries we have so i can start making food for myself #if i can make enough food while my mom is asleep ill be set for the day. but how do i maintain that. ugh #its so many things messing with my ability to eat #but it mostly feels manageable. except when i look at the mirror or the scale. ive never weighed this much before #suddenly theres more of me than i know how to handle