#i wrote half of this on my phone whilst having a minor meltdown in a field

[silverstarfics]

It’s not midnight in the UK yet so technically I’m still on time. Also, I didn’t have access to my laptop until literally 10pm so I wrote this very quickly. Anyway!! It’s asexuality day so I was not going to miss it!

@thunder-pride

AO3 link

At age thirteen, everyone suddenly seemed to transfer from little kids into fledgling adults. In other words, their interests miraculously transformed overnight from dragons and mermaids and other such innocent games to… well, each other. Some experienced this change in focus early, others a little later, or, in Gordon’s case, not at all.

He blamed the fact that he’d been on swim teams for practically his entire life and so seeing semi-naked bodies wasn’t a novelty. He just didn’t care. While others were obsessing over who had kissed who and which upperclassman was the cutest, he was fixated on improving his turn during relays. He assumed that the feelings would magically arrive one day in the not-so-distant future. Like, say, his sixteenth birthday.

Only they never did.

Which wasn’t necessarily an issue until his girlfriend started putting her hands where he really did not want hands going and their subsequent messy breakup became the talk of the school. Daisy was determined to emerge with her reputation intact and so spread rumours regarding his lack of interest in anything below the waist. Unfortunately, there was little teenagers loved more than gossip. It spread like wildfire. And so, faced with the realisation that his non-existent feelings were not a commonplace experience, Gordon was hit with the terrifying possibility that there was something wrong with him.

The only blessing was that the story unravelled on a Friday, giving him an entire weekend to rest and recuperate in the darkness of his bedroom with his phone left on airplane mode. He hadn’t accounted for John’s presence, namely because John was supposed to be halfway across the country at Harvard but had chosen this week of all weeks to come home for a visit. So, if Gordon had hoped that his new status as a recluse would go unnoticed, he was very unlucky. John wasn’t the most socially adept guy, but he was pretty damn good at reading his brothers.

So, now they were here, tucked into a booth at a tiny roadside diner. John had given their father some excuse about getting Gordon some driving experience now that he finally had his learner’s permit and they had promptly fled before Jeff could question them further. It was approaching half-ten at night and so the place was mostly empty with the exception of a truck driver nursing a black coffee in the far corner.

Gordon kicked his sneakers under the table and drew his feet up to sit criss-cross. John took one look at his Finding Nemo socks and gave a fond sigh. Around them, lights flickered and glowed, filling the place with a low-level electrical hum. From the highway, the diner mimicked a beacon – packed to the brim with unusual lanterns, patterned lamps, fairy lights, neon signs and even rainbow LEDs around the rim of each table.

It was a mess of colour and Gordon loved it. He watched the reflection across the red-and-white tiles, curling into his corner of the booth to rest his head against the window while John scrolled through the holographic menu. The various sights and smells were almost enough to distract him from the issue at hand but then the memory of whispers and stares resurfaced in a nauseating wave. He curled his arms around his stomach and willed time to run in reverse.

“Okay, start talking.” John sent their order across to the kitchen and sat forward to give Gordon his full attention. His expectant look softened as he noticed Gordon’s nervous fidgeting. “Did something happen?”

“Um…” Gordon tugged the cuffs of his hoodie over his knuckles. “Maybe.” He yanked at a stray thread and tried to ignore the way his fingers were trembling. “It’s… Can you, uh… Promise you won’t tell anyone?”

“I can’t make that promise unless you swear that whatever’s bothering you isn’t a threat to your safety.”

“What?” He tore his gaze away from the tabletop to stare incredulously. “John, what the hell? What do you think I’ve been doing?”

“It’s you,” John pointed out wryly.

Gordon returned his focus to his frayed hoodie sleeves again.

“No, I’m not in trouble. Not like that, anyway. It’s…” He couldn’t get his hands to stay still. “So, um. Daisy and I broke up.” He looped a drawstring around his thumb and tugged absently. “Actually, she dumped me and then said a bunch of shi- stuff. She said a bunch of stuff. And now everyone else is saying stuff.”

John’s eyes narrowed slightly. His voice remained gentle but there was an undertone of protective fury which promised repercussions for anyone who had ever said a bad word about his younger brother.

“Can you elaborate on stuff?”

Gordon gave a loose shrug. “Just, um, I dunno. That I’m, um, weird because I don’t want to, like, uh, go further with her.”

“Okay,” John said simply. “So, you’re not ready for that yet. Not many are at your age. You’d be surprised by how many people lie about having relations.”

“Don’t say relations, jeez. How old are you? You sound like a fossil, Johnny.”

“Thanks,” John deadpanned. “You can pay for your own fries now. And hey, how many times do I have to remind you not to call me Johnny?”

Gordon shook his head with a faint grin which swiftly faded. “It’s not just about being ready.” His voice came out humiliatingly small. “I don’t think I want to do… that. Not with anyone. Ever.”

John shrugged. “Then don’t.”

“What- I- John. What’s that supposed to…? It’s not that easy!”

“It’s exactly that easy. If you don’t want to sleep with anyone, don’t.”

Gordon swiped a sleeve across his eyes angrily as his vision blurred. “But doesn’t that mean there’s something wrong with me?”

John drew a sharp breath. “Gordon. Hey, look at me for a second?” His gaze was searching, more earnest and softer than Gordon could ever recall John being with him. “There is nothing wrong with you. Okay? I promise you.”

“You swear?”

“I swear on Mom.”

Gordon found himself momentarily speechless. There was a brief pause as their milkshakes and fries arrived. He took great delight in the curly straw in his chocolate milkshake – and it was telling of just how worried John was when he made no comment about childish behaviour – and had inhaled almost an entire third of the fries before John ventured,

“Have you ever heard of the term asexuality?”

Gordon took another long slurp of milkshake and shook his head.

“Asexuality means you experience little or no sexual attraction. You’re not alone, Gords. An estimated one percent of the entire population are asexual.”

“That’s a really low percentage.”

John plucked a fry from the basket and chewed as he mentally calculated. “It sounds that way, but it’s actually a lot of people. The global population is approximately nine point eight billion. That makes ninety-eight million of them asexual. It doesn’t seem such a small proportion now, does it?”

Gordon ducked his head to hide his face and busied himself with the fries. “So… there’s nothing wrong with me? It’s okay to not want… that?”

“It’s perfectly normal.”

“Oh.” The rush of relief was so strong that Gordon nearly choked on it. He blinked furiously while John pretended not to notice and surreptitiously slid a tissue within reach. “That’s… huh. So, I’m… I’m asexual?”

John shot him a fond look. “I can’t tell you. That part’s up to you. But if you are, it’s nothing to be ashamed of and you’re not alone. There is an incredible community of people just like you.”

Gordon summoned a damp smile. “Thanks, Johnny.”

“Again with the Johnny? Really?”

“Oh my god, fine. Thanks… space-case.”

“Okay, c’mon. Let’s head out. Bedtime for squids.”

“John.”

“Nope. We’re leaving. I’ll even pay for your fries… on one condition.”

Gordon jogged to catch up with him. “Which is…?”

It could have been the lighting, but John’s smile seemed suspiciously evil. “I’d like a list of every kid who made fun of you.”

“Why?”

“No reason.”

“Johnny.”

“Oh, now I’m definitely not telling you.”

#i wrote half of this on my phone whilst having a minor meltdown in a field #so if it's completely terrible i'm very sorry #i tried #there are probably many errors but i'll fix them tomorrow #also i had to learn for this fic that the projected global population for the 2050s is 9.8 billion like?? what?? that seems insane to me #anyway #time to post this before it actually does hit midnight #thunderpride #thunderpride 2023 #thunderbirds are go