#i'm overwhelmed. i'm tired. i feel like i'm pushing a massive boulder up the worlds steepest hill

[powderedwhiteviolets]

some vents abt recovery that i'm gonna place under the cut, feel free to scroll past

i wish i was one of those girls with a regular appetite. the kind who leave a bite or two on their plate because they're just "so full!". the kind who only eat a few meals a day and never snack. the kind who always make the right food choices and only have a brownie twice a month. the kind who don't think about food until it's time to eat. the kind who doesn't have to actively compensate for bigger meals because they automatically do it by nature. everyone around me keeps urging me to "trust my body" in recovery but how can i trust my body when it feels like it actively wants to make me obese? my body supposedly wants to keep me alive and healthy and yet at the same time it feels like it doesn't know what's good for it. my extreme hunger phase of recovery has passed since i'm able to be satiated by meals and snacks but i still eat so much...i've abandoned my tracking apps but the numbers still tally automatically in my head. i'm hitting close to 3k calories most days. the recommended govt intake for women is 2k. i have an active job and average 15k steps a day in the span of a week but i feel like that barely justifies anything. i try to exercise at the gym even though my history with it is disordered and while i love the rush of serotonin doing it gives me that voice telling me i'm not doing enough and should be pushing myself harder are starting to creep back in.

i'm weight restored, i don't want to keep gaining weight. i know it takes longer than 3 months to learn regular healthy eating patterns after coming from both 2 years of a restrictive eating disorder and whatever the fuck i was doing with food in my late teens, but...i'm still so scared. i know i can't even go back to restricting. i don't want to go back to being sick and miserable and weak and on the verge of fainting multiple times a day. i don't want to go back to self imposed isolation for the sake of arbitrary calorie limits.

it's just so hard.

#why wasn't i one of the lucky ones #i'm overwhelmed. i'm tired. i feel like i'm pushing a massive boulder up the worlds steepest hill #and it never goddamn ends #every day i wake up and i fucking eat (regrettably) #tw ed #personal